SAHMs - what made you decide to SAH? Question from new SAHM

[Anonymous]

I recently left my job to SAH with my baby because I felt like I was so exhausted and stressed from work all the time that I was not able to be the kind of mother I want to be. I don't know how other working moms do it and my hat is off to them. So for me deciding to SAH was about having time and energy for my baby, and transforming myself into a patient, loving, caring mom. I wish I could have done that while keeping my job, but I did not find a way to make it work. But I have a secret fear that, now that the job stress is gone, I will just find other things to stress about and nothing will really change.

This got me thinking - I am curious what made other SAHMs decide to stay at home with their child(ren)? What did you hope would come of it? Have things have turned out as you expected? Any advice for a new SAHM?

Please, let's keep this civil and on topic. I hesitated to post this because it seems like every post about SAHMs turns ugly, but I really want some SAHM perspectives here.

[Anonymous]

I decided to stay home because DH thinks his contribution is his high income and he needs time to "recover" when he is not at work. It was a difficult decision but at the end of the day it works for us. I spend lots of time with DD, we are rarely rushing to get out of the house/get dinner on the table,I get all the errands done during the week, but I am hardly Mary Poppins. I find it somewhat dreary and I very much miss working but I can't imagine our lifestyle if I was working ft.

[Anonymous]

Why do you can about what a bunch of cyberstrangers think?

[Anonymous]

I always knew I'd be a SAH mom. We talked about it pre-kids and even pre-marriage and planned our lives accordingly. I have 2 degrees and 5 years experience as a teacher, and can always go back to that, although I'll most likely choose something else when the time comes. I'm also have a trust to fall back on if my husband lost his mind and took of or something. To me, the thought of leaving my kids in someone else's care all day makes me very unhappy and anxious. I will admit, it isn't all sunshine and rainbows. I have hard, hard days where I'm not sure if I'm cut out for this, but I try to remember my friends who have a hurried hour or 2 a day to spend with their babies, and have to clean, cook and all the rest of it. I could not be a good mom under those circumstances. I think you made the right choice for your family. There are other stressors, which can become heightened if you don't take time for yourself, pursue outside interests, or allow yourself to get bored. Get dressed every morning so you can leave the house on a moments notice, and leave the house, every day. Do as many "activities" as you can afford. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

To me, it is my own experience as a child that made me want to be a SAHM. My parents were never home when I was growing up, they were too busy with their careers and I was basically raised by a full-time nanny who lived with us. Although the nanny was very nice, I very much missed my parents and I was very hurt that they did not make any efforts to spend more time to me. As a kid, you don't understand what it means to have a job and/or to have to support a family, all you see is that your parents are not there for you. I went through tough times where I thought my parents did not love me at all. Early on, I knew that if I had kids myself, I would not make the mistake my parents made and I would be there for my kids and be a SAHM.

[Anonymous]

"Early on, I knew that if I had kids myself, I would not make the mistake my parents made and I would be there for my kids and be a SAHM. "

Is it OK for your DH to make the same "mistake"? Is he there for the kids?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I didn't want to feel like this:

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/136344.page

and this

http://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/136113.page

Also, we realized my salary as a teacher wouldn't pay for the type of child care we thought was appropriate for our kids. So I stayed home with them. I do appreciate never having to feel really overwhelemed, and never having to decide between job responsibilities versus what my child needed. Now that I'm going back to work it has been pretty rough at time, having to sometimes put the job ahead of the kid, but it's getting easier, and the kids are older now, of course, and I feel they can handle it more.

I didn't appreciate my career and earing potential taking the hit that it did, but of course that is no surprise and we knew that would happen.

[Anonymous]

I did it to avoid anger and resentment for me having to do it all with little help from DH. It's not ideal, as I gave up a great career, but our marriage has survived, and our kids are turing out great.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the responses. 8:12, that is pretty much where I am coming from too. I felt like my life was turning into something like those posts, and it was taking so much out of me that I didn't have enough left for my DC. Even though I have a husband who does a ton.

Anonymous wrote:Why do you can about what a bunch of cyberstrangers think?

My post must not have been clear. It's not that I care what others think, it's that I am wondering if anyone else made the decision to SAH for the same reasons as me, and how it has worked out for them, what sort of issues they have had, etc.

[Anonymous]

oops *took off

[Anonymous]

I planned on going back to work when #1 was about 6 months old. (Non-tenured professor) As the time came DH and I realized my salary would BARELY cover the cost of childcare (for the times I was only physically on campus...not the extra hours I would work from home). It just didn't make any financial sense because he's by far the main breadwinner, and always will be. I still struggle sometimes with the choice to SAH because I never intended to and it really was a very last minute decision. I miss my job but I don't miss the stress I would imagine comes with simply "having a job" if that makes sense. I'm now waiting on #3 and have absolutely no plans to return to work. As the kids get older there is even more running around and I feel that they need one of us home even more than when they were little. And, I'm happy at home with them. I'm lucky though, my DH may work long, hard hours but he's 100% partner here at home when he's here, and even sometimes when he's not.

[Anonymous]

I decided to SAH because that's what my mom did and my DH could financially support all of us. I assumed I'd love spending my days with the kids. TBH, I hated it. Tedious and repetitive. My kids took naps for 2.5 to 3 hours every afternoon, so our schedule worked around that and limited our activities.

I'm not the domestic type and I resented doing 99% of the housework and 90% of the childcare. Also, to be frank, I was worried about what I'd do once they were all in school 6 + hours a day. If I SAH, I didn't think I'd be marketable with a 7 year gap in my resume.

It was startling to me how much I missed the identity my work gave me. For me, and our family, it made much more sense to have dual working parents and hire out a lot of stuff, so we can spend our evenings and weekends with the children. I made it less than a year as a SAHM.

Some questions I recommend you ask yourself:

1) What do you see your life like when you are 35? 45? 55?

2) Do you truly enjoy spending time with children and on children's activities, at some times to the virtual exclusion of any adult activities?

3) Are you truly honestly okay depending 100% financially on your DH?

4) Do you have a good support network of friends and neighbors to stave off isolation and give you a break when your DH can't?

Highly recommend you look at the long term picture and not just the infant months. I hope this helps, whatever you decide.

HTH.

[Anonymous]

I decided to be a stay at home mom for pretty much all the reasons everyone else gave, but what sealed the deal for me was that as an elementary school teacher I noticed that pretty much all of my really "top" kids had stay at home moms. I know many working moms are going to slam me for saying that. Of course there are well-behaved, high achieving students who also have full-time working moms. But based on what I saw from teaching for 10 years at three different schools the "better" students seemed to disproportionately come from families with involved stay at home moms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I decided to be a stay at home mom for pretty much all the reasons everyone else gave, but what sealed the deal for me was that as an elementary school teacher I noticed that pretty much all of my really "top" kids had stay at home moms. I know many working moms are going to slam me for saying that. Of course there are well-behaved, high achieving students who also have full-time working moms. But based on what I saw from teaching for 10 years at three different schools the "better" students seemed to disproportionately come from families with involved stay at home moms.

A nice anecdote, but the studies don't support this.

[Anonymous]

I feel blessed that I have been able to be a SAHM for the past 9years.

My husband's job provides enough for our needs, which was, of course, a contributing factor as well as we both felt it very important that our children have the kind of start in life that comes with having Mommy home with them.

My kids are all in school full time now and I am still a SAHM which they still benefit from as well as I do. I truly enjoy my role, especially after having worked from a very young age (16) until I had my son (32). So I treasure this life as a SAHM.