Should grandma go to birthday party or visit with newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Maybe there is hope for this family after all.

I don’t understand how you’re reading this as a hopeful update. Mom of birthday child is so upset that she posted on DCUM. She also thinks grandma is wrong to have not rescheduled the visit with birthday child already, and she’s mad at the mom of the newborn for texting baby pictures after being icy in the previous months. This family is doomed.

I agree it’s clear OP is birthday mom hoping for validation, but where Grandma has a sensible head, there is always room for hope.

OP’s language about the texting is of course silly, and I suspect the rest of the family is rolling their eyes at birthday mom quietly, but there is hope when Grandma is sensible.

Everyone is rolling their eyes at the sister who iced them out. And then expects a thaw on her terms. There she goes again.

This thread is fascinating because it helps me understand so many comments on this forum. Lots of you condone manipulative behavior. Maybe you do it yourself.

At this point, I don’t think I believe birthday mom’s narrative about the estrangement. It seems pretty clear birthday mom is the drama queen.

Having a baby three weeks early and wanting your mom is not “manipulation” to any normal person.

[Anonymous]

So, OP, are we right? Are you birthday mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Maybe there is hope for this family after all.

I don’t understand how you’re reading this as a hopeful update. Mom of birthday child is so upset that she posted on DCUM. She also thinks grandma is wrong to have not rescheduled the visit with birthday child already, and she’s mad at the mom of the newborn for texting baby pictures after being icy in the previous months. This family is doomed.

I agree it’s clear OP is birthday mom hoping for validation, but where Grandma has a sensible head, there is always room for hope.

OP’s language about the texting is of course silly, and I suspect the rest of the family is rolling their eyes at birthday mom quietly, but there is hope when Grandma is sensible.

Everyone is rolling their eyes at the sister who iced them out. And then expects a thaw on her terms. There she goes again.

This thread is fascinating because it helps me understand so many comments on this forum. Lots of you condone manipulative behavior. Maybe you do it yourself.

Thanks, OP! Sorry a third birthday isn’t as important as a new baby, or a mom who just gave birth!

[Anonymous]

Planned Party first then the newborn. 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Newborn will still be there the next day. Unless there's an actual emergency, I tend to keep my pre-existing plans - I find that this feels the most fair and is the least likely to upset anyone.

Also, I may be reading into things too much, but the child calling and asking you to come on the day of the other grandchild's birthday after being on bad terms for months seems manipulative. Is there any reason you can't see the newborn the following day?

This.

You stick to your commitments or you run the risk of alienating both kids.

"Larla, I'm so exited for the borth of Jane and I just cannot wait to meet her. I will come as soon as I can. It's John's birthday today and Patty already planned a small party. I'll leave a bit early to see you as soon as possible." If Larla cannot handle a person with integrity doing what they said they would do, that's on her. Now if Larla had a difficult birth or some complications or the baby does - pack it up Grandma, John can wait.

+100

[Anonymous]

My mom didn't come immediately for any of my births and I was perfectly ok. Not sure why that is urgent. I especially would not have wanted her to cancel on my sibling/nephews to come sit around with my newly given birth self. I had plenty of support in the hospital.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom didn't come immediately for any of my births and I was perfectly ok. Not sure why that is urgent. I especially would not have wanted her to cancel on my sibling/nephews to come sit around with my newly given birth self. I had plenty of support in the hospital.

Thanks! We’ve noted your experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP will cop to the fact that she is the mother of the birthday kid? It is so obvious.

That is what I have thought from the beginning

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

There is an insane PP who believes telling a four-year-old that Grandma cannot come to his birthday party constitutes “emotional abuse.” I think that’s the person you are responding to.

Look at you displaying that maturity you claim is abundant in your family. I'm inclined to believe you don't have children because you don't realize a 4 year old will will be impacted by their grandmother breaking a promise. I; 'm also inclined to believe that baby you are currently pregnant with your first and fully believe that the entire family's plans should revolve around you and your newborn.

The emotionally abusive part comes with the adults not allowing the child to feel disappointed by grandma breaking her promise by shaming them for feeling sad by saying grandma had to do something important etc.

Yeah, you are crazy. You are also clearly raising entitled nightmare children.

You keep displaying your maturity. You are raising children to accept emotional abuse.

Lady, there is not another way to describe your position. I’m sorry, but there just isn’t.

My children are well-adjusted and successful young adults and teens who aren’t narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.

How do you all do with hyperbole and exaggeration? Seems like it might be a strong suit in your family.

Where’s the hyperbole? You are the one saying it’s emotionally abusive for a four-year-old to hear that Grandma can’t come to his birthday party because his cousin was born and she is going to go help his aunt and visit the newborn cousin.

That’s a plainly insane take, and that’s not exaggeration. It’s simply factual. It’s insane, like the sky is blue.

I’m not the one who says it’s emotional
abusive. I just think it’s plain sh*tty to do to a little kid.

The poster didn’t say the language was abusive but not letting the little kid feel upset to spare the feelings of adults would be abusive.

The language suggested is above. Please quote specifically where that language does not allow the child to feel upset. Be precise, please.

This is what PP said: “ narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.”

No, I don’t people a person like that allows room for a little to kid to be upset about their birthday.

Literally nothing in that quote says anything about the child not being allowed to be upset. You are bringing your own baggage to a position that is eminently reasonable.

To call that “emotionally abusive” suggests someone who is seriously emotionally unregulated.

I said it’s sh*tty not abusive. When using the extreme language she did (narcissist? Akin to national holidays? Really?), no I don’t believe for a second she lets a little kid have feelings.

Oh come on. Surely you recognize that this is just a cultural reference to a talked-about issue going on now (unreasonably high expectations for personal birthday parties). The language she used for the conversation with the child was completely rational and normal, and there was literally nothing about not letting a child be sad. You are making things up at this point and being downright silly.

Nobody is going to come on here and explicitly admit that they wouldn’t let a little kid be sad. That you are looking those literal words makes you seem silly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

There is an insane PP who believes telling a four-year-old that Grandma cannot come to his birthday party constitutes “emotional abuse.” I think that’s the person you are responding to.

Look at you displaying that maturity you claim is abundant in your family. I'm inclined to believe you don't have children because you don't realize a 4 year old will will be impacted by their grandmother breaking a promise. I; 'm also inclined to believe that baby you are currently pregnant with your first and fully believe that the entire family's plans should revolve around you and your newborn.

The emotionally abusive part comes with the adults not allowing the child to feel disappointed by grandma breaking her promise by shaming them for feeling sad by saying grandma had to do something important etc.

Yeah, you are crazy. You are also clearly raising entitled nightmare children.

You keep displaying your maturity. You are raising children to accept emotional abuse.

Lady, there is not another way to describe your position. I’m sorry, but there just isn’t.

My children are well-adjusted and successful young adults and teens who aren’t narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.

How do you all do with hyperbole and exaggeration? Seems like it might be a strong suit in your family.

Where’s the hyperbole? You are the one saying it’s emotionally abusive for a four-year-old to hear that Grandma can’t come to his birthday party because his cousin was born and she is going to go help his aunt and visit the newborn cousin.

That’s a plainly insane take, and that’s not exaggeration. It’s simply factual. It’s insane, like the sky is blue.

I’m not the one who says it’s emotional
abusive. I just think it’s plain sh*tty to do to a little kid.

The poster didn’t say the language was abusive but not letting the little kid feel upset to spare the feelings of adults would be abusive.

The language suggested is above. Please quote specifically where that language does not allow the child to feel upset. Be precise, please.

This is what PP said: “ narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.”

No, I don’t people a person like that allows room for a little to kid to be upset about their birthday.

Literally nothing in that quote says anything about the child not being allowed to be upset. You are bringing your own baggage to a position that is eminently reasonable.

To call that “emotionally abusive” suggests someone who is seriously emotionally unregulated.

I said it’s sh*tty not abusive. When using the extreme language she did (narcissist? Akin to national holidays? Really?), no I don’t believe for a second she lets a little kid have feelings.

Oh come on. Surely you recognize that this is just a cultural reference to a talked-about issue going on now (unreasonably high expectations for personal birthday parties). The language she used for the conversation with the child was completely rational and normal, and there was literally nothing about not letting a child be sad. You are making things up at this point and being downright silly.

Nobody is going to come on here and explicitly admit that they wouldn’t let a little kid be sad. That you are looking those literal words makes you seem silly.

No, it makes me normal. I trust people mean what they say. You are reading an entire fantasy into something that simply isn’t there, and that is flatly weird at best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder if OP will cop to the fact that she is the mother of the birthday kid? It is so obvious.

That is what I have thought from the beginning

I think it’s pretty clear too, particularly given that OP won’t say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know why the newborn visit was requested for that particular day.

OP here - no specific reason, just made sense to have the visit as soon as things have settled down at the hospital. The day of the birth is always chaotic and it wouldn't be helpful to have the grandparent there that day.

Of course grandma should visit the newborn in the hospital (or, the first day at home). Absolutely! This is a once in a lifetime.

OP here - How upset would you be if grandma asked whether it's ok to visit after the birthday party or the following day? You said she'd rather not come after the party due to concern about infectious risk.
Upset enough you would tell them not to bother coming if it's not that day/time?
Just trying to gage what people think is a "reasonable" reaction, everyone is welcome to answer.

A mom who is 24hr post partum isn't going to be "reasonable". And having someone come visit my 24 hour old baby after being at a toddler's birthday party would make me anxious too, if I were that sister. I would be really hurt if I called my mom to say, "the baby just arrived today! Can you come visit us in the hospital tomorrow??" and she said "sorry, I plan to attend Grandson's birthday party, I can come 6 hours later that day after getting coughed on"

You might be hurt but that’s on you. You want to be prioritized (after being estranged at your choice) over your niece or nephew. It funny when everyone is talking about the grandson being spoiled but if you are so hurt to see your mom less than 24 hours after you wanted, that’s on you.

This other grandchild is likely not even old enough to recognize grandma isn’t there, according to OP. You’re being over the top here.

There is an insane PP who believes telling a four-year-old that Grandma cannot come to his birthday party constitutes “emotional abuse.” I think that’s the person you are responding to.

Look at you displaying that maturity you claim is abundant in your family. I'm inclined to believe you don't have children because you don't realize a 4 year old will will be impacted by their grandmother breaking a promise. I; 'm also inclined to believe that baby you are currently pregnant with your first and fully believe that the entire family's plans should revolve around you and your newborn.

The emotionally abusive part comes with the adults not allowing the child to feel disappointed by grandma breaking her promise by shaming them for feeling sad by saying grandma had to do something important etc.

Yeah, you are crazy. You are also clearly raising entitled nightmare children.

You keep displaying your maturity. You are raising children to accept emotional abuse.

Lady, there is not another way to describe your position. I’m sorry, but there just isn’t.

My children are well-adjusted and successful young adults and teens who aren’t narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.

How do you all do with hyperbole and exaggeration? Seems like it might be a strong suit in your family.

Where’s the hyperbole? You are the one saying it’s emotionally abusive for a four-year-old to hear that Grandma can’t come to his birthday party because his cousin was born and she is going to go help his aunt and visit the newborn cousin.

That’s a plainly insane take, and that’s not exaggeration. It’s simply factual. It’s insane, like the sky is blue.

I’m not the one who says it’s emotional
abusive. I just think it’s plain sh*tty to do to a little kid.

The poster didn’t say the language was abusive but not letting the little kid feel upset to spare the feelings of adults would be abusive.

The language suggested is above. Please quote specifically where that language does not allow the child to feel upset. Be precise, please.

This is what PP said: “ narcissists who expect the world to stop every year on their birthdays. We are a close extended family that would never get up to OPs shenanigans because everyone is reasonable and nobody teaches four-year-olds that their birthdays are akin to national holidays in terms of importance.”

No, I don’t people a person like that allows room for a little to kid to be upset about their birthday.

Literally nothing in that quote says anything about the child not being allowed to be upset. You are bringing your own baggage to a position that is eminently reasonable.

To call that “emotionally abusive” suggests someone who is seriously emotionally unregulated.

I said it’s sh*tty not abusive. When using the extreme language she did (narcissist? Akin to national holidays? Really?), no I don’t believe for a second she lets a little kid have feelings.

Oh come on. Surely you recognize that this is just a cultural reference to a talked-about issue going on now (unreasonably high expectations for personal birthday parties). The language she used for the conversation with the child was completely rational and normal, and there was literally nothing about not letting a child be sad. You are making things up at this point and being downright silly.

Nobody is going to come on here and explicitly admit that they wouldn’t let a little kid be sad. That you are looking those literal words makes you seem silly.

No, it makes me normal. I trust people mean what they say. You are reading an entire fantasy into something that simply isn’t there, and that is flatly weird at best.

Not a fantasy. If someone starts talking about narcissists in connection with grandma going to a planned birthday event, they are out to lunch.

By the way if you trust people mean what they say, you don’t read the internet (or DCUM) very critically. Frequently, people don’t post their true intent clearly until a few follow ups later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - for those asking for an update. Grandma went to see the newborn. Nothing was said by birthday child’s family. No plans to reschedule the visit from either end. Sister with the baby has texted multiple pictures of the baby and updates to everyone after icing everyone out for months. People responded with congratulations.

Maybe there is hope for this family after all.

I don’t understand how you’re reading this as a hopeful update. Mom of birthday child is so upset that she posted on DCUM. She also thinks grandma is wrong to have not rescheduled the visit with birthday child already, and she’s mad at the mom of the newborn for texting baby pictures after being icy in the previous months. This family is doomed.

I agree it’s clear OP is birthday mom hoping for validation, but where Grandma has a sensible head, there is always room for hope.

OP’s language about the texting is of course silly, and I suspect the rest of the family is rolling their eyes at birthday mom quietly, but there is hope when Grandma is sensible.

Everyone is rolling their eyes at the sister who iced them out. And then expects a thaw on her terms. There she goes again.

This thread is fascinating because it helps me understand so many comments on this forum. Lots of you condone manipulative behavior. Maybe you do it yourself.

At this point, I don’t think I believe birthday mom’s narrative about the estrangement. It seems pretty clear birthday mom is the drama queen.

Having a baby three weeks early and wanting your mom is not “manipulation” to any normal person.

If you are going to ice out your family months in advance, yes, it is. Funny, some poster just told me we should assume a poster means what they say. I guess that only applies when it’s supports your position I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom didn't come immediately for any of my births and I was perfectly ok. Not sure why that is urgent. I especially would not have wanted her to cancel on my sibling/nephews to come sit around with my newly given birth self. I had plenty of support in the hospital.

Congrats on being normal! Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Newborn will still be there the next day. Unless there's an actual emergency, I tend to keep my pre-existing plans - I find that this feels the most fair and is the least likely to upset anyone.

Also, I may be reading into things too much, but the child calling and asking you to come on the day of the other grandchild's birthday after being on bad terms for months seems manipulative. Is there any reason you can't see the newborn the following day?

This.

You stick to your commitments or you run the risk of alienating both kids.

"Larla, I'm so exited for the borth of Jane and I just cannot wait to meet her. I will come as soon as I can. It's John's birthday today and Patty already planned a small party. I'll leave a bit early to see you as soon as possible." If Larla cannot handle a person with integrity doing what they said they would do, that's on her. Now if Larla had a difficult birth or some complications or the baby does - pack it up Grandma, John can wait.

+100

Absolutely this. This is the only correct response. Anyone who disagrees has problems.