Civilizing details that you missed during childhood- share here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with a modicum of manners and kindness knows that it's appropriate to leave a cash tip for the hotel/motel maid. If you didn't know before, you know now.

What is the proper amount of $ to leave?

I don't know. But I can tell you what I try to do.

When I have the cash on me (which is not always these days), I try to leave $5 per day. And I try to leave it each day rather than all on the day I leave because I don't know that the tips will get pooled and I want whomever is working on my room to get it. I write "for housekeeping" on a sheet of the hotel notepaper and leave it on the bed.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:As I’ve gone through adulthood, I seem to encounter ways of doing things that aren’t even polite or fancy but just the basics that no one in my family of origin seemed to know about. Now I’m wondering what I might be missing as I raise my own child. What did you only find out about as an adult? (And thank you to all of my roommates over the years who helped raise me)

Some of my gaps:

-didn’t grow up using washcloths. We owned them but only because they came in sets of towels. I guess we just smeared soap around. I used to break out a lot and even developed cysts on the back of my thighs from clogged pores until I realized all of my roommates used them but me.

-not washing hands in the kitchen. We washed our hands after the bathroom or after coming in from outside in the laundry room sink. My mom doesn’t even have hand soap in her kitchen. She might rinse meat juices and stuff off her hands but otherwise she doesn’t wash her hands before prepping food. I only learned it was a thing from working at restaurants in high school.

DH’s gaps:

-didn’t grow up using napkins at the table. When I asked what he did if someone ate something messy, he said you’d grab a dish towel and then put it back!

-grew up washing everything all together in one load. Eventually everything looked pilled and gray regardless of original color or fabric. I intervened when we met in grad school because I couldn’t handle watching nice work pants get tossed in with linty towels and cleaning rags.

-didn’t know about mattress pads or pillow covers, so they get sweat-stained and grimy. Changing the sheets at his parents’ is a scary experience.

Washing hands in the kitchen is highly personal preference. Personally I strongly emphasize hand washing and sanitizing and am overall a germaphobe, but **despise** people washing hands in my kitchen sink and do not permit it in my house. The kitchen sink is for food preparation and meal clean-up; hand washing should be done in the powder room or other bathrooms. Why would I want people's hand germs introduced into the kitchen? Also, hand washing splashes water all over the kitchen counter which then needs to be cleaned.

How on earth do you cook? Like you cut up raw meat and then go to the powder room to wash your hands before touching other stuff?

I think this poster means you only wash hands in kitchen sink if you actively are making food in the kitchen or cleaning the kitchen. And I totally agree! It drives me crazy when kids or dh use it to wash hands for no purpose.

Obviously, the purpose is to clean their hands.

Then it should happen in a bathroom, the place for body/hand/face cleaning.

Where do I wash my feet? What room is that?

For that your a$$ should be firmly planted on the kitchen counter and toes fully splayed in the sink so water bounces off everywhere.

I would never discourage hand washing by having illogical rules about which sinks can be used when.

Then you've never met my husband's family who will try to wash their greasy, working on cars all day hands right in my kitchen sink. Sometimes while I'm in the middle of cooking.

Note we have a sink in the garage, and a bathroom down the hall. It's not a big house. Bodies should be washed in the bathroom. Only cooks should use the kitchen sink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember when elbows off the table was a trend. It was the 70s maybe from this jingle? We had to learn about it from a jingle, y'all.

Yeah, this no-elbows-on-the-table thing was taken to a bizarre extreme. And it was never a real rule of etiquette. It's rude to eat while your elbows are on the table -- you don't want to be shoving food in your mouth in that posture. But to put them on the table before eating, between courses, after, or whatever, is perfectly acceptable etiquette.

In a pub, perhaps.

But nothing but your hands and wrists should touch the table in an upscale restaurant or as a guest at someone’s house, particularly if it is a formal meal in their dining room. Lounging with your elbows or arms on the table just isn’t done. It is slovenly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve gone through adulthood, I seem to encounter ways of doing things that aren’t even polite or fancy but just the basics that no one in my family of origin seemed to know about. Now I’m wondering what I might be missing as I raise my own child. What did you only find out about as an adult? (And thank you to all of my roommates over the years who helped raise me)

Some of my gaps:

-didn’t grow up using washcloths. We owned them but only because they came in sets of towels. I guess we just smeared soap around. I used to break out a lot and even developed cysts on the back of my thighs from clogged pores until I realized all of my roommates used them but me.

-not washing hands in the kitchen. We washed our hands after the bathroom or after coming in from outside in the laundry room sink. My mom doesn’t even have hand soap in her kitchen. She might rinse meat juices and stuff off her hands but otherwise she doesn’t wash her hands before prepping food. I only learned it was a thing from working at restaurants in high school.

DH’s gaps:

-didn’t grow up using napkins at the table. When I asked what he did if someone ate something messy, he said you’d grab a dish towel and then put it back!

-grew up washing everything all together in one load. Eventually everything looked pilled and gray regardless of original color or fabric. I intervened when we met in grad school because I couldn’t handle watching nice work pants get tossed in with linty towels and cleaning rags.

-didn’t know about mattress pads or pillow covers, so they get sweat-stained and grimy. Changing the sheets at his parents’ is a scary experience.

Washing hands in the kitchen is highly personal preference. Personally I strongly emphasize hand washing and sanitizing and am overall a germaphobe, but **despise** people washing hands in my kitchen sink and do not permit it in my house. The kitchen sink is for food preparation and meal clean-up; hand washing should be done in the powder room or other bathrooms. Why would I want people's hand germs introduced into the kitchen? Also, hand washing splashes water all over the kitchen counter which then needs to be cleaned.

I get you and that is ok that that is your thing. I have far worse neuroses about other things I consider dirty and how they should be done (flossing). As long as your kids don't go to someone else's house and clutch their pearls over someone washing THEIR hands in the kitchen sink, you are fine.

I'm of the school that germs are germs and washing is washing. I'll wash anything in my kitchen sink because then it's ... clean! Dog bowls, a garden spade, I'd even wash my hair there if it was my only alternative (oh we washed our hair sometimes in the kitchen sink as a kid! Chew on that one folks!).

Hell, I've washed my 8lb toy poodle in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

Books in the living room is tacky? What alternate universe is this from?

The universe where they belong in the library.

Do they make houses without libraries?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

Books in the living room is tacky? What alternate universe is this from?

The universe where they belong in the library.

I have a library and I still have books in my living room… though it’s called a drawing room.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with no holidays or birthdays due to my mom's religious beliefs. When I stopped believing in that religion as an adult, I had no idea about the traditions around birthday parties for my kids or how to do Thanksgiving/Christmas. I'd never been to a birthday party or holiday celebration.

My in-laws, Google, and social media were awesome at helping me put together parties and celebrations.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one in my family ever used a fork and knife to eat (fork in the left hand, knife in the right). We just ate with forks in our dominant hand, and eating Euro-style is very unnatural and fancy to me.

I didn’t know we’re supposed to send a thank you note after receiving a gift.

I thought meat should always be very, very well done.

This one is me. I work internationally and I always feel very awkward, but I'm too uncoordinated to shift to Euro-style on cutlery.

I grew up using cutlery American style as well. I've always had the sense that European style is more refined, but it feels awkward to me so I don't bother with it. How many people here use American vs. European style?

We use American, like most people do here, but I actually don't think the European style looks more refined. It looks (to me) like you're in too much of a hurry to put your knife down.

I think people are mixing up American vs Continental style cutlery usage. In the American style you cut with the fork in your left hand and then put the knife down, transfer the fork over to your right eat tines up. The Europeans don’t do the fork switch and bring food to mouth tines down, with the knife to assist as necessary.

I think either looks fine; what I notice is how people hold the fork. To me it’s such a tell when people grip their fork with their entire hand and hack at their food. No matter where you work or live, what you drive, or where you went to school, I assume of you hold your fork like that and stab at your food, you probably didn’t grow up a particularly refined household. It’s not that I judge, but I can’t help but notice.

I have a son who does this. He’s been corrected at least 1000 times, he just doesn’t care. He absolutely grew up in a refined household. He has great manners other than at the table. I tried!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve gone through adulthood, I seem to encounter ways of doing things that aren’t even polite or fancy but just the basics that no one in my family of origin seemed to know about. Now I’m wondering what I might be missing as I raise my own child. What did you only find out about as an adult? (And thank you to all of my roommates over the years who helped raise me)

Some of my gaps:

-didn’t grow up using washcloths. We owned them but only because they came in sets of towels. I guess we just smeared soap around. I used to break out a lot and even developed cysts on the back of my thighs from clogged pores until I realized all of my roommates used them but me.

-not washing hands in the kitchen. We washed our hands after the bathroom or after coming in from outside in the laundry room sink. My mom doesn’t even have hand soap in her kitchen. She might rinse meat juices and stuff off her hands but otherwise she doesn’t wash her hands before prepping food. I only learned it was a thing from working at restaurants in high school.

DH’s gaps:

-didn’t grow up using napkins at the table. When I asked what he did if someone ate something messy, he said you’d grab a dish towel and then put it back!

-grew up washing everything all together in one load. Eventually everything looked pilled and gray regardless of original color or fabric. I intervened when we met in grad school because I couldn’t handle watching nice work pants get tossed in with linty towels and cleaning rags.

-didn’t know about mattress pads or pillow covers, so they get sweat-stained and grimy. Changing the sheets at his parents’ is a scary experience.

Washing hands in the kitchen is highly personal preference. Personally I strongly emphasize hand washing and sanitizing and am overall a germaphobe, but **despise** people washing hands in my kitchen sink and do not permit it in my house. The kitchen sink is for food preparation and meal clean-up; hand washing should be done in the powder room or other bathrooms. Why would I want people's hand germs introduced into the kitchen? Also, hand washing splashes water all over the kitchen counter which then needs to be cleaned.

How on earth do you cook? Like you cut up raw meat and then go to the powder room to wash your hands before touching other stuff?

I think this poster means you only wash hands in kitchen sink if you actively are making food in the kitchen or cleaning the kitchen. And I totally agree! It drives me crazy when kids or dh use it to wash hands for no purpose.

Obviously, the purpose is to clean their hands.

Then it should happen in a bathroom, the place for body/hand/face cleaning.

Where do I wash my feet? What room is that?

For that your a$$ should be firmly planted on the kitchen counter and toes fully splayed in the sink so water bounces off everywhere.

OMG, thank you PP. Hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I grew up with no holidays or birthdays due to my mom's religious beliefs. When I stopped believing in that religion as an adult, I had no idea about the traditions around birthday parties for my kids or how to do Thanksgiving/Christmas. I'd never been to a birthday party or holiday celebration.

My in-laws, Google, and social media were awesome at helping me put together parties and celebrations.

I'm guessing you grew up as a Jevovahs Witness.
Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

Yikes, I use overhead lights (at times - I do prefer a softer light) and don’t always raise the blinds. I also will keep good in their containers if it’s just us. I guess I’m base and crude and never knew it!

This is the second time someone has mentioned overhead lights. Will someone explain this to me? What is the issue with using overhead lights?

It's a convenience when you don't have servants to prepare rooms for your entry.

Yep. This is actually the answer. If you have no one to prepare the room for you -- turn on the lamps in the den where you always relax when coming home late at night after going out --you stumble in the dark to find the lamp across the room when you get home. A switch at the doorway that turns on an overhead light fixes that problem. You don't need those overhead lights if you have help. None of this has been a thing for a couple of generations now. But this "overhead lights are tacky" thing likely arose from this.

1. Overhead lights aren’t tacky and literally no one but strivers think this.
2. A switch that turns on a lamp also fixes that problem.

What? The strivers don't even know this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember when elbows off the table was a trend. It was the 70s maybe from this jingle? We had to learn about it from a jingle, y'all.

Yeah, this no-elbows-on-the-table thing was taken to a bizarre extreme. And it was never a real rule of etiquette. It's rude to eat while your elbows are on the table -- you don't want to be shoving food in your mouth in that posture. But to put them on the table before eating, between courses, after, or whatever, is perfectly acceptable etiquette.

In a pub, perhaps.

But nothing but your hands and wrists should touch the table in an upscale restaurant or as a guest at someone’s house, particularly if it is a formal meal in their dining room. Lounging with your elbows or arms on the table just isn’t done. It is slovenly.

You know a lot less about etiquette than you think you do. Elbows on the table are fine in an "upscale restaurant" when there is no food on the table. Same with regard to "a formal meal in [a] dining room." Nothing inherently "slovenly" about it until you start eating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

Books in the living room is tacky? What alternate universe is this from?

The universe where they belong in the library.

I have a library and I still have books in my living room… though it’s called a drawing room.

Well then stop reading in there when you know perfectly well that you should be drawing instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

Books in the living room is tacky? What alternate universe is this from?

The universe where they belong in the library.

Do they make houses without libraries?

It's a viscous cycle really. The poors can't afford to have a room solely dedicated to a library, nor do they have adequate time for reading (see thread https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1248311.page), hence they produce less educated offspring, leading to downward mobility, for which they are inadequately prepared (https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1248224.page).

Dreadful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

Books in the living room is tacky? What alternate universe is this from?

The universe where they belong in the library.

I have a library and I still have books in my living room… though it’s called a drawing room.

Well then stop reading in there when you know perfectly well that you should be drawing instead.

Drawing is for dreamers and housewives. At least learn to properly entertain in a music room.