Civilizing details that you missed during childhood- share here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Anyone with a modicum of manners and kindness knows that it's appropriate to leave a cash tip for the hotel/motel maid. If you didn't know before, you know now.

What is the proper amount of $ to leave?

No one carries cash anymore. Cest la vie

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve gone through adulthood, I seem to encounter ways of doing things that aren’t even polite or fancy but just the basics that no one in my family of origin seemed to know about. Now I’m wondering what I might be missing as I raise my own child. What did you only find out about as an adult? (And thank you to all of my roommates over the years who helped raise me)

Some of my gaps:

-didn’t grow up using washcloths. We owned them but only because they came in sets of towels. I guess we just smeared soap around. I used to break out a lot and even developed cysts on the back of my thighs from clogged pores until I realized all of my roommates used them but me.

-not washing hands in the kitchen. We washed our hands after the bathroom or after coming in from outside in the laundry room sink. My mom doesn’t even have hand soap in her kitchen. She might rinse meat juices and stuff off her hands but otherwise she doesn’t wash her hands before prepping food. I only learned it was a thing from working at restaurants in high school.

DH’s gaps:

-didn’t grow up using napkins at the table. When I asked what he did if someone ate something messy, he said you’d grab a dish towel and then put it back!

-grew up washing everything all together in one load. Eventually everything looked pilled and gray regardless of original color or fabric. I intervened when we met in grad school because I couldn’t handle watching nice work pants get tossed in with linty towels and cleaning rags.

-didn’t know about mattress pads or pillow covers, so they get sweat-stained and grimy. Changing the sheets at his parents’ is a scary experience.

Washing hands in the kitchen is highly personal preference. Personally I strongly emphasize hand washing and sanitizing and am overall a germaphobe, but **despise** people washing hands in my kitchen sink and do not permit it in my house. The kitchen sink is for food preparation and meal clean-up; hand washing should be done in the powder room or other bathrooms. Why would I want people's hand germs introduced into the kitchen? Also, hand washing splashes water all over the kitchen counter which then needs to be cleaned.

Well then. Hope you have a sign up saying all that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in Soviet Union. Half the things you all name here didn't even exist there nor do we have a word for those things. Wash cloth, staying in a hotel was for foreigner and eating in a sit down restaurant was for few foreigner or some high ranking people only. Those things never came up every day as you walk in the city. I only knew they existed years later.
I didn't know what allergies, diabetes or diet were growing up in SU. There was a rumor that one kid in our village had diabetes, but nobody knew what it was besides some kind of illness.

But didn't you have things at home that your mom did to make you feel fancier than other soviet families? Or you went to someone's house and they had a picture of the premier and thought it was weird that you didn't? Things you would do the respect elders that nobody does today or thinks is weird? What about going out without a full face of makeup? Did anyone do that? Inquiring minds want to know.

DP who grew up in the USSR. We had a saying “toilet is the hostess’s face” - “Unitaz - lico xozyajki”. People were obsessed with cleanliness, and surfaces were supposed to be clean even when worn out. And not just clean but super clean when people visited. Took me a while to get used to visiting my American friends and seeing clothing lying around. Or hearing that their parents don’t clean - the cleaning lady does, every other week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve gone through adulthood, I seem to encounter ways of doing things that aren’t even polite or fancy but just the basics that no one in my family of origin seemed to know about. Now I’m wondering what I might be missing as I raise my own child. What did you only find out about as an adult? (And thank you to all of my roommates over the years who helped raise me)

Some of my gaps:

-didn’t grow up using washcloths. We owned them but only because they came in sets of towels. I guess we just smeared soap around. I used to break out a lot and even developed cysts on the back of my thighs from clogged pores until I realized all of my roommates used them but me.

-not washing hands in the kitchen. We washed our hands after the bathroom or after coming in from outside in the laundry room sink. My mom doesn’t even have hand soap in her kitchen. She might rinse meat juices and stuff off her hands but otherwise she doesn’t wash her hands before prepping food. I only learned it was a thing from working at restaurants in high school.

DH’s gaps:

-didn’t grow up using napkins at the table. When I asked what he did if someone ate something messy, he said you’d grab a dish towel and then put it back!

-grew up washing everything all together in one load. Eventually everything looked pilled and gray regardless of original color or fabric. I intervened when we met in grad school because I couldn’t handle watching nice work pants get tossed in with linty towels and cleaning rags.

-didn’t know about mattress pads or pillow covers, so they get sweat-stained and grimy. Changing the sheets at his parents’ is a scary experience.

Washing hands in the kitchen is highly personal preference. Personally I strongly emphasize hand washing and sanitizing and am overall a germaphobe, but **despise** people washing hands in my kitchen sink and do not permit it in my house. The kitchen sink is for food preparation and meal clean-up; hand washing should be done in the powder room or other bathrooms. Why would I want people's hand germs introduced into the kitchen? Also, hand washing splashes water all over the kitchen counter which then needs to be cleaned.

How on earth do you cook? Like you cut up raw meat and then go to the powder room to wash your hands before touching other stuff?

I think this poster means you only wash hands in kitchen sink if you actively are making food in the kitchen or cleaning the kitchen. And I totally agree! It drives me crazy when kids or dh use it to wash hands for no purpose.

Obviously, the purpose is to clean their hands.

Then it should happen in a bathroom, the place for body/hand/face cleaning.

Where do I wash my feet? What room is that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve gone through adulthood, I seem to encounter ways of doing things that aren’t even polite or fancy but just the basics that no one in my family of origin seemed to know about. Now I’m wondering what I might be missing as I raise my own child. What did you only find out about as an adult? (And thank you to all of my roommates over the years who helped raise me)

Some of my gaps:

-didn’t grow up using washcloths. We owned them but only because they came in sets of towels. I guess we just smeared soap around. I used to break out a lot and even developed cysts on the back of my thighs from clogged pores until I realized all of my roommates used them but me.

-not washing hands in the kitchen. We washed our hands after the bathroom or after coming in from outside in the laundry room sink. My mom doesn’t even have hand soap in her kitchen. She might rinse meat juices and stuff off her hands but otherwise she doesn’t wash her hands before prepping food. I only learned it was a thing from working at restaurants in high school.

DH’s gaps:

-didn’t grow up using napkins at the table. When I asked what he did if someone ate something messy, he said you’d grab a dish towel and then put it back!

-grew up washing everything all together in one load. Eventually everything looked pilled and gray regardless of original color or fabric. I intervened when we met in grad school because I couldn’t handle watching nice work pants get tossed in with linty towels and cleaning rags.

-didn’t know about mattress pads or pillow covers, so they get sweat-stained and grimy. Changing the sheets at his parents’ is a scary experience.

Washing hands in the kitchen is highly personal preference. Personally I strongly emphasize hand washing and sanitizing and am overall a germaphobe, but **despise** people washing hands in my kitchen sink and do not permit it in my house. The kitchen sink is for food preparation and meal clean-up; hand washing should be done in the powder room or other bathrooms. Why would I want people's hand germs introduced into the kitchen? Also, hand washing splashes water all over the kitchen counter which then needs to be cleaned.

How on earth do you cook? Like you cut up raw meat and then go to the powder room to wash your hands before touching other stuff?

I think this poster means you only wash hands in kitchen sink if you actively are making food in the kitchen or cleaning the kitchen. And I totally agree! It drives me crazy when kids or dh use it to wash hands for no purpose.

Obviously, the purpose is to clean their hands.

Then it should happen in a bathroom, the place for body/hand/face cleaning.

Where do I wash my feet? What room is that?

For that your a$$ should be firmly planted on the kitchen counter and toes fully splayed in the sink so water bounces off everywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As I’ve gone through adulthood, I seem to encounter ways of doing things that aren’t even polite or fancy but just the basics that no one in my family of origin seemed to know about. Now I’m wondering what I might be missing as I raise my own child. What did you only find out about as an adult? (And thank you to all of my roommates over the years who helped raise me)

Some of my gaps:

-didn’t grow up using washcloths. We owned them but only because they came in sets of towels. I guess we just smeared soap around. I used to break out a lot and even developed cysts on the back of my thighs from clogged pores until I realized all of my roommates used them but me.

-not washing hands in the kitchen. We washed our hands after the bathroom or after coming in from outside in the laundry room sink. My mom doesn’t even have hand soap in her kitchen. She might rinse meat juices and stuff off her hands but otherwise she doesn’t wash her hands before prepping food. I only learned it was a thing from working at restaurants in high school.

DH’s gaps:

-didn’t grow up using napkins at the table. When I asked what he did if someone ate something messy, he said you’d grab a dish towel and then put it back!

-grew up washing everything all together in one load. Eventually everything looked pilled and gray regardless of original color or fabric. I intervened when we met in grad school because I couldn’t handle watching nice work pants get tossed in with linty towels and cleaning rags.

-didn’t know about mattress pads or pillow covers, so they get sweat-stained and grimy. Changing the sheets at his parents’ is a scary experience.

Washing hands in the kitchen is highly personal preference. Personally I strongly emphasize hand washing and sanitizing and am overall a germaphobe, but **despise** people washing hands in my kitchen sink and do not permit it in my house. The kitchen sink is for food preparation and meal clean-up; hand washing should be done in the powder room or other bathrooms. Why would I want people's hand germs introduced into the kitchen? Also, hand washing splashes water all over the kitchen counter which then needs to be cleaned.

How on earth do you cook? Like you cut up raw meat and then go to the powder room to wash your hands before touching other stuff?

I think this poster means you only wash hands in kitchen sink if you actively are making food in the kitchen or cleaning the kitchen. And I totally agree! It drives me crazy when kids or dh use it to wash hands for no purpose.

Obviously, the purpose is to clean their hands.

Then it should happen in a bathroom, the place for body/hand/face cleaning.

Where do I wash my feet? What room is that?

For that your a$$ should be firmly planted on the kitchen counter and toes fully splayed in the sink so water bounces off everywhere.

I would never discourage hand washing by having illogical rules about which sinks can be used when.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

Yikes, I use overhead lights (at times - I do prefer a softer light) and don’t always raise the blinds. I also will keep good in their containers if it’s just us. I guess I’m base and crude and never knew it!

This is the second time someone has mentioned overhead lights. Will someone explain this to me? What is the issue with using overhead lights?

It's a convenience when you don't have servants to prepare rooms for your entry.

Yep. This is actually the answer. If you have no one to prepare the room for you -- turn on the lamps in the den where you always relax when coming home late at night after going out --you stumble in the dark to find the lamp across the room when you get home. A switch at the doorway that turns on an overhead light fixes that problem. You don't need those overhead lights if you have help. None of this has been a thing for a couple of generations now. But this "overhead lights are tacky" thing likely arose from this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I grew up in Soviet Union. Half the things you all name here didn't even exist there nor do we have a word for those things. Wash cloth, staying in a hotel was for foreigner and eating in a sit down restaurant was for few foreigner or some high ranking people only. Those things never came up every day as you walk in the city. I only knew they existed years later.
I didn't know what allergies, diabetes or diet were growing up in SU. There was a rumor that one kid in our village had diabetes, but nobody knew what it was besides some kind of illness.

But didn't you have things at home that your mom did to make you feel fancier than other soviet families? Or you went to someone's house and they had a picture of the premier and thought it was weird that you didn't? Things you would do the respect elders that nobody does today or thinks is weird? What about going out without a full face of makeup? Did anyone do that? Inquiring minds want to know.

DP who grew up in the USSR. We had a saying “toilet is the hostess’s face” - “Unitaz - lico xozyajki”. People were obsessed with cleanliness, and surfaces were supposed to be clean even when worn out. And not just clean but super clean when people visited. Took me a while to get used to visiting my American friends and seeing clothing lying around. Or hearing that their parents don’t clean - the cleaning lady does, every other week.

Interesting! Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

Books in the living room is tacky? What alternate universe is this from?

The universe where they belong in the library.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all illustrates lack of socialization. The parents’ and thus the kids’.

Imagine how many kids continued to. It socialize or realize there were “other ways of doing things” and just continue on.

Sort of. I know that my mother was very well socialized by her parents. But she was a horrible raving lunatic — and that seemed to have prevented her from picking any of it up permanently and definitely prevented her from teaching any of it to us.

Socialized means beyond manners and etiquette and cultural normals; it means you went out weekly and interacted with other families and ages groups. At temple, at restaurants, when traveling, had/at parties, went to sports games or arts, wandered museums, visited friends and family in person.

You socialized with other humans. Not the tv. Not only your parents.

I feel like cultural norms vary though. You can't know manners in every setting and culture even with the "best upbringing".

Well read people or people who socialize across various circles or many circles do. Besides reading or picking up on others’ cultural nuances, you can first hand just follow their lead.

Ex. when I lived in Asia I did not pee down the storm drains nor hack up phlegm out in public or my house multiple times a day. But totally acceptable there!

Right, but you don't know at first. That's my point. You would at first seem really inept if dropped in other countries. It's okay. You learn.

+1

You don't know what you don't know. And it takes awhile to figure stuff out just by looking around the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember when elbows off the table was a trend. It was the 70s maybe from this jingle? We had to learn about it from a jingle, y'all.

Yeah, this no-elbows-on-the-table thing was taken to a bizarre extreme. And it was never a real rule of etiquette. It's rude to eat while your elbows are on the table -- you don't want to be shoving food in your mouth in that posture. But to put them on the table before eating, between courses, after, or whatever, is perfectly acceptable etiquette.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, will someone please make a post about how books in the living room or family photos are tacky? I remember these being inexplicably controversial items.

Books in the living room is tacky? What alternate universe is this from?

The universe where they belong in the library.

Most houses aren't big enough to have a "library." The family room / living room is the "library."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all illustrates lack of socialization. The parents’ and thus the kids’.

Imagine how many kids continued to. It socialize or realize there were “other ways of doing things” and just continue on.

Sort of. I know that my mother was very well socialized by her parents. But she was a horrible raving lunatic — and that seemed to have prevented her from picking any of it up permanently and definitely prevented her from teaching any of it to us.

Socialized means beyond manners and etiquette and cultural normals; it means you went out weekly and interacted with other families and ages groups. At temple, at restaurants, when traveling, had/at parties, went to sports games or arts, wandered museums, visited friends and family in person.

You socialized with other humans. Not the tv. Not only your parents.

I feel like cultural norms vary though. You can't know manners in every setting and culture even with the "best upbringing".

Well read people or people who socialize across various circles or many circles do. Besides reading or picking up on others’ cultural nuances, you can first hand just follow their lead.

Ex. when I lived in Asia I did not pee down the storm drains nor hack up phlegm out in public or my house multiple times a day. But totally acceptable there!

I highly doubt peeing down the drain is normal in any country. Or was it a slum you visited?
Kind of like a visitor will think drug dealing is totally acceptable in the US if they just visited Skid row.

Clearly has not traveled very widely ^^.

DP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents somehow knew all these things even though they grew up poor. But one thing that stood out to me- I was taught that if you thank someone in person, you do not have to write a thank you note. I’ve recently gotten the impression this is not universal, and I may have come off as rude by not writing a note too.

You were taught correctly.

A thank you note is redundant if you have thanked the giver in person. A thank you note a) lets the person know you received the gift, and 2) thanks them. You don't need the note for either if they handed it to you and you thanked them.

A lot of people do not understand this because they haven't thought hard enough about it or did not have someone who knew the actual etiquette teaching them about thank you notes. These are the people who think it is rude not to get one in writing even when the person has thanked them in person. They don't know what the f%^* they are talking about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the opposite, my mom taught me all these stupid little civilizing details such as “never pull up vertical blinds” and “no overhead lights” and how to fold towels on the hanging towel rack and use a nice pewter dish or towel-lined basket to set out things like bread at dinner , all while modeling horrific money habits and financial strain and moving us to a new apartment every 10-12 months and marrying and divorcing 3 times and not caring for the animals we adopted and on and on. All about silly stupid appearances and minor details while being an absolute mess.

My mom is a non-hand washer but ingrained all of the above in me. Add never, ever put a container on the dining table even if it’s just a family lunch. Also, pull the shades up as soon as you wake up or else people will think you are rude or lazy.

Once in a while DH turns on an overhead light in his office and I have to restrain myself from yelling at him. Our hands might be covered in germs but we can’t have people seeing that from the street and and thinking we are poor heathens!

I'm so confused. What is wrong with overhead lights? I thought I was raised with all the etiquette, but my parents missed this one.

Yikes, I use overhead lights (at times - I do prefer a softer light) and don’t always raise the blinds. I also will keep good in their containers if it’s just us. I guess I’m base and crude and never knew it!

This is the second time someone has mentioned overhead lights. Will someone explain this to me? What is the issue with using overhead lights?

It's a convenience when you don't have servants to prepare rooms for your entry.

Yep. This is actually the answer. If you have no one to prepare the room for you -- turn on the lamps in the den where you always relax when coming home late at night after going out --you stumble in the dark to find the lamp across the room when you get home. A switch at the doorway that turns on an overhead light fixes that problem. You don't need those overhead lights if you have help. None of this has been a thing for a couple of generations now. But this "overhead lights are tacky" thing likely arose from this.

1. Overhead lights aren’t tacky and literally no one but strivers think this.
2. A switch that turns on a lamp also fixes that problem.