Vent: My son unintentionally shamed my brother, who then "told on me" to our parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I had something SO similar to this, except that my 42 yo brother lives in a single family home paid for by my parents (he has never had a job). My 10 yo DD asked where he lives, what his job is, how he pays rent if he doesn't have a job. She asked ME though when no one else was around. I was so bummed she didn't ask in front of my brother and parents. Sometimes people are ashamed because their actions are shameful.

Yes, much more virtuous to be an angry, hateful, judgemental person who sends their 7 year old in to be their Flying Monkey, than to be someone who is unemployed with what sounds like pretty profound mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I had something SO similar to this, except that my 42 yo brother lives in a single family home paid for by my parents (he has never had a job). My 10 yo DD asked where he lives, what his job is, how he pays rent if he doesn't have a job. She asked ME though when no one else was around. I was so bummed she didn't ask in front of my brother and parents. Sometimes people are ashamed because their actions are shameful.

Nah that’s just plain old shaming. It happens when judgemental, resentful and usually ignorant of the facts people feel the need to publicly criticize someone for not meeting a prescribed moral standard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your son was parroting comments and sentiments you yourself had expressed. You invited someone to your home only to mock him and enlist your elementary school son in the process. That is no way to treat a guest. You owe him an apology. I suggest counseling to deal with your deep rooted latent hostility and anger towards your family. They’re all obviously fine with their living and support arrangements. You, on the other hand, are seething with rage. Please get help soon and stop attacking those who love you.

DH and I are very careful to not talk in front of the kids about my brother. I think it was more that DS doesn't know any grown men without jobs, and was thinking out loud as he struggled to understand the situation. All he sees is my brother sitting or laying on the couch when he's here. He won't even play on the floor with the kids or go outside to draw with chalk on the driveway. Also, we don't invite my brother. My mother calls and announces she's "sending" him over. He used to try to bring dirty laundry thinking I'd do it for him. DH finally told him after the 4th or 5th time that was never going to happen.

I don’t believe you. Seven year olds are not that obsessed with adult jobs, even in DC. You sound high pressure and anxiety ridden OP. I wouldn’t want to be your brother and I wouldn’t want to be your son!

7 Yo are obsessed with general observations. they like to comment on what they see and what they are thinking---my 7yo always had a running commentary going, often out loud.

No I wouldn't want to be the loser of a brother either--42 and still lives at home, doesn't work and does nothing to help his parents around the house.

However, I'd happily spend 24/7 with a creative, thought provoking 7 yo.

If you're going to invite your adult brother to your home, it would be nice to not let your nosy brat interrogate him. Uncle is a guest in the home and it's inappropriate not funny and cute to treat him that way. OP needs to do better. But, her little apple didn't fall far from the tree.

Oh please. It’s reasonable to ask a grown ass adult where they work the uncle should be ashamed

+1.

The conversation should have ended when the uncle responded that he is battling exhaustion.

That’s not really a thing for 42 yo men without responsibilities. Even a 7 yo understands that.

Even a seven year old understands chronic fatigue? Depression? Lyme disease? There could be a ton of reasons someone who looks healthy doesn’t work because not all disabilities are visible. Even if OP’s brother is simply lazy and has no diagnosis, this child should be stopped from continuing a conversation like this because the next unemployed person he interacts with might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

Hmm. So your parents are not truthful, and you still think you know that your brother has no mental health or other condition at play here? Why, because they’d tell you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

I’m one of the posters encouraging you to consider that you might not have the full story regarding your brother, but honestly a guest like this just sucks so for your own sanity, limit his visits. You can get the check ins you need about your parents in a couple visits versus 4-5 a year, or via phone calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What 7 year old is that curious about what an adult does?

Kids are curious. They ask questions and (some) careers are interesting. The brother said he was exhausted. A reasonable follow-up question is "why." Surely you're met children whose favorite word is "why." What on earth is brother exhausted from? Nothing. That's why the child probed further. He was being gaslighted by a liar.

Nothing? Does it seem glaringly obvious that there is some depression or other health issue at play? Is it really that hard to connect the dots? And letting a nosy kid ask why? why? why? Again and again is in really bad taste. OP may secretly agree with her kid but that doesn't make it ok to be rude and obnoxious. People defending this behavior are the same people who probably flip out if their parents ask them if/when they will have grandchildren. Or get married. Or do anything else in life.

People in healthy families do not get it. In healthy families, if someone has an issue, the parents bring in help and go about the proper series of events (psychologists, doctors, filing for disability, set up a trust.)

In families like mine, and I suspect in OPs, the brother's behavior is the result of deep dysfunction within the family, starting with the parents. The parents enable dependency for some reason of their own. They don't bring in help, they don't tell doctors, they don't get a diagnosis, they don't file for disability. They don't ask the adult child to take on any responsibilities in the house (which is what a psychologist would recommend for that kind of personality disorder). They don't make plans for the adult child after their death. They have denial of there being any problem, because admitting the problem is too painful.

OP, being the "normal" sibling in this scenario is very painful. I get it. I no longer talk to people from healthy families about this because they truly don't get it and are often disturbed. I talk to a therapist and one good friend who has the same situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

Don’t be a revisionist. Your prior posts drip of resentment and contempt. Including for your mother and her child rearing skills.

20% of adults in this country can’t be functioning members of society, they have various mental health and other disabilities and need varying levels of support. At best your brother appears to be clinically depressed, though likely a whole other number of issues as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What 7 year old is that curious about what an adult does?

Kids are curious. They ask questions and (some) careers are interesting. The brother said he was exhausted. A reasonable follow-up question is "why." Surely you're met children whose favorite word is "why." What on earth is brother exhausted from? Nothing. That's why the child probed further. He was being gaslighted by a liar.

Nothing? Does it seem glaringly obvious that there is some depression or other health issue at play? Is it really that hard to connect the dots? And letting a nosy kid ask why? why? why? Again and again is in really bad taste. OP may secretly agree with her kid but that doesn't make it ok to be rude and obnoxious. People defending this behavior are the same people who probably flip out if their parents ask them if/when they will have grandchildren. Or get married. Or do anything else in life.

People in healthy families do not get it. In healthy families, if someone has an issue, the parents bring in help and go about the proper series of events (psychologists, doctors, filing for disability, set up a trust.)

In families like mine, and I suspect in OPs, the brother's behavior is the result of deep dysfunction within the family, starting with the parents. The parents enable dependency for some reason of their own. They don't bring in help, they don't tell doctors, they don't get a diagnosis, they don't file for disability. They don't ask the adult child to take on any responsibilities in the house (which is what a psychologist would recommend for that kind of personality disorder). They don't make plans for the adult child after their death. They have denial of there being any problem, because admitting the problem is too painful.

OP, being the "normal" sibling in this scenario is very painful. I get it. I no longer talk to people from healthy families about this because they truly don't get it and are often disturbed. I talk to a therapist and one good friend who has the same situation.

Im one of the normal siblings and my younger brother is a self sabotaging drunk, drug abuser with some undisclosed mental health issues. And he doesn’t go to his dr appointments or take his meds if he doesn’t want to. And when he gets arrested and sent to the hospital he doesn’t have to tell his family anything about it or what any if the diagnoses are. The rest of us are functional but we are limited in what we know or can do but we certainly recognize there is a problem. Op seems to think there isn’t a problem unless her parents tell her what the diagnosis is. The writing is in the wall she just doesn’t have the name for it. So act accordingly not play along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

Ask your parents to reimburse you for your babysitting services next time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

Don’t be a revisionist. Your prior posts drip of resentment and contempt. Including for your mother and her child rearing skills.

20% of adults in this country can’t be functioning members of society, they have various mental health and other disabilities and need varying levels of support. At best your brother appears to be clinically depressed, though likely a whole other number of issues as well.

Imagine defending a "mother" who enables and encourages her own child to stay sick and nonfunctional. If he has a mental health condition that's severe enough to prevent him from living independently, why hasn't she paid for treatment instead of funding a limited life for him? She would rather risk him becoming homeless when she dies than help him establish himself. Why is this such a passionate topic for you? Are you enabling your own kids to not live their own lives away from their smothering, delusional mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

Don’t be a revisionist. Your prior posts drip of resentment and contempt. Including for your mother and her child rearing skills.

20% of adults in this country can’t be functioning members of society, they have various mental health and other disabilities and need varying levels of support. At best your brother appears to be clinically depressed, though likely a whole other number of issues as well.

Imagine defending a "mother" who enables and encourages her own child to stay sick and nonfunctional. If he has a mental health condition that's severe enough to prevent him from living independently, why hasn't she paid for treatment instead of funding a limited life for him? She would rather risk him becoming homeless when she dies than help him establish himself. Why is this such a passionate topic for you? Are you enabling your own kids to not live their own lives away from their smothering, delusional mother?

Exactly. IT's straight up irresponsible parenting. The parents need the adult child to be home and not receive adequate treatment so they can "woe is us" to everyone else. They need their son to be sick. If he gets treated and can function, the parents lose their identity and excuse for not moving forward in life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

Don’t be a revisionist. Your prior posts drip of resentment and contempt. Including for your mother and her child rearing skills.

20% of adults in this country can’t be functioning members of society, they have various mental health and other disabilities and need varying levels of support. At best your brother appears to be clinically depressed, though likely a whole other number of issues as well.

Imagine defending a "mother" who enables and encourages her own child to stay sick and nonfunctional. If he has a mental health condition that's severe enough to prevent him from living independently, why hasn't she paid for treatment instead of funding a limited life for him? She would rather risk him becoming homeless when she dies than help him establish himself. Why is this such a passionate topic for you? Are you enabling your own kids to not live their own lives away from their smothering, delusional mother?

Have you talked to the mother to find out that she hasn't tried and the son has refused? OP already said her parents downplay everything to her. She probably has no idea what's going on and it doesn't sound like she even asks her own brother but eggs her 7yr old to do her dirty work. And it's not like you can just snap your fingers and get treatment for another adult.

Many mental health issues don't rear their ugly heads until well into adulthood so you miss the boat with getting early treatment for children who you can control for all those saying they should have got him help earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

Don’t be a revisionist. Your prior posts drip of resentment and contempt. Including for your mother and her child rearing skills.

20% of adults in this country can’t be functioning members of society, they have various mental health and other disabilities and need varying levels of support. At best your brother appears to be clinically depressed, though likely a whole other number of issues as well.

Imagine defending a "mother" who enables and encourages her own child to stay sick and nonfunctional. If he has a mental health condition that's severe enough to prevent him from living independently, why hasn't she paid for treatment instead of funding a limited life for him? She would rather risk him becoming homeless when she dies than help him establish himself. Why is this such a passionate topic for you? Are you enabling your own kids to not live their own lives away from their smothering, delusional mother?

Have you talked to the mother to find out that she hasn't tried and the son has refused? OP already said her parents downplay everything to her. She probably has no idea what's going on and it doesn't sound like she even asks her own brother but eggs her 7yr old to do her dirty work. And it's not like you can just snap your fingers and get treatment for another adult.

Many mental health issues don't rear their ugly heads until well into adulthood so you miss the boat with getting early treatment for children who you can control for all those saying they should have got him help earlier.

THe parents are probably traumatized too and can't accept reallity. THis happend with my parents and sister. In front of me, my sister was a fragile flower that we all had to work to protect. Behind closed doors, they were furious but at their wits ends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

Don’t be a revisionist. Your prior posts drip of resentment and contempt. Including for your mother and her child rearing skills.

20% of adults in this country can’t be functioning members of society, they have various mental health and other disabilities and need varying levels of support. At best your brother appears to be clinically depressed, though likely a whole other number of issues as well.

Imagine defending a "mother" who enables and encourages her own child to stay sick and nonfunctional. If he has a mental health condition that's severe enough to prevent him from living independently, why hasn't she paid for treatment instead of funding a limited life for him? She would rather risk him becoming homeless when she dies than help him establish himself. Why is this such a passionate topic for you? Are you enabling your own kids to not live their own lives away from their smothering, delusional mother?

Why are you so angry and smug about a situation you know nothing of? You built a whole fantasy narrative there about OP’s mother. How do you know what’s going on with OP’s brother or what the parents efforts and support have been over decades?

I know nothing about OP’s brother or mother and yet recognize everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. That includes not being cruticized, shamed or put on the spot for personal and complicated life circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do not apologize. I would be pissed if I had a sibling like him and my parents called to demand an apology. Also why do you let your mother call and inform you he is being dropped off as if you are a daycare? Put a stop to that now.

A few reasons - one is because it's only 4-6 times a year so not a HUGE deal. Another is my brother will tell me the truth about my parents (they'll claim a sprain when it's really a fracture, they'll claim a cold when it's bronchitis, etc.). He was the one who told me that my dad was saying he's going to clean the gutters himself next month. I don't want my dad on a high ladder at his age doing physical labor on his day off. Now that we know, we can find a good company to do it for them. And the third is to give my parents a break from him.

So let's get this straight, your brother is an involved uncle who visits multiple times a year, is not a rude or ill mannered guest, is not dependent or a burden to you, in fact is quite useful to you. Your parents have asked you for no help or indicated that he is a burden to them. What exactly justifies you or your 7 year old treating him with such contempt?

He's not involved. He won't play with the kids, or watch them play sports, or attend recitals, plays or games. He only comes here when my parents send him over. He lays on the couch and gets up to eat meals. When my DD last asked him to quiz her for a spelling test he told her to ask DH or me because he was busy. He was watching a rerun of Big Bang. My brother is not trying to be helpful to tell me about my parents - he's gossiping and complaining (Mom is on crutches so she's making really easy dinners instead of the good ones I like). I do not treat him with contempt. I shared my feelings here, anonymously, with strangers. I smile, I freshen up the guest room, make the foods he likes, invite him to do all sorts of different things trying to hit upon something he'd enjoy or at least put up with. He sleeps late, complains about the kids making noise (after like, 9am!), eats, lays on the couch, sleeps, and then leaves. I sit with him while he's watching tv and chat with him about what we're watching, news, friends we both used to know who I've kept in touch with, our plans each day, etc. My son asked what my brother does. He didn't understand the vague answer he got and kept trying to understand. I stopped him.

Don’t be a revisionist. Your prior posts drip of resentment and contempt. Including for your mother and her child rearing skills.

20% of adults in this country can’t be functioning members of society, they have various mental health and other disabilities and need varying levels of support. At best your brother appears to be clinically depressed, though likely a whole other number of issues as well.

Did someone tell you it was persuasive to make up statistics?