Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

I'm guessing you don't live close by your mom. So you see these get together as very special. SIL sees the MIL regularly and is ready for something else. If you were dealing with this regularly you might feel differently. OR, it's your mom, so you feel differently.

The only issue I have with this is SIL could have waited until after Christmas to make this announcement.

[Anonymous]

Elderly ppl can stay elderly for 15-20 years, they or ppl like you should not hold extended family hostage to your parent’s age. If SIL sees your mom regularly during the year and bears more of the burden of helping out than you, then it’s perfectly fine for her to want a Xmas getaway or alternative plan. Your pearl clutching is a bit out of touch with reality.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound very provincial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Many private schools were on break all last week as well as this week. What I would give for a 2 week break with my spouse and kids only!

Similar to your SIL, I live near my parents and see them 1-2x a week. And yet - we fly back from spring break a day early every year to have Easter dinner with them. I would love to give up that tradition and just enjoy my full vacation. I don’t think I’ll declare “this is the last Easter”. I think we’ll just say “these are the flights we could get” and repeat as needed.

Wow a whole day early. I’m so sorry you have to go through such anguish to bring a great deal of joy to your elderly parents who could randomly drop dead any day.

What a manipulative load of horse shite. You don't get to call dibs on everyone else's vacation. Early on spouse and I made it clear Christmas day was at our house. Here and there we did things on Christmas Eve but NO ONE locks us into a contract with them for the holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, your SIL is widowed, or divorced? Or your brother is a deaf, mute, blind quadriplegic who can’t communicate in any way?

OH WAIT. Your brother is also equally responsible for this decision. And yet you only blame the woman, you sexist jerk.

Just because she strongarmed her husband into agreeing with her doesn't mean she doesn't get the lion's share of the blame. SIL can't have it both ways - getting what she wants (Christmas Eve and Day with her family, not having to see DH's family on Christmas at all) AND also getting to play "this was our joint decision, teeheehee."

You're straight up nuts and a misogynistic creep. So glad I'm not related to you. So funny how the inlaws always say the wife makes the man do things. They get to do the holidays any way they want them even if they cut you out entirely. You need to understand this. There are no laws or rules that say things have to be faaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiir. You aren't a two year old. Grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Elderly ppl can stay elderly for 15-20 years, they or ppl like you should not hold extended family hostage to your parent’s age. If SIL sees your mom regularly during the year and bears more of the burden of helping out than you, then it’s perfectly fine for her to want a Xmas getaway or alternative plan. Your pearl clutching is a bit out of touch with reality.

Talk about gaslighting. Elderly pensioners wanting to include all of their children and grandchildren in their Christmas festivities ONE TIME A YEAR is being “held hostage”? Get a grip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Christmas celebrations are nice, but warm weather vacations are even better. I doubt SIL had to “strongarm” her husband into anything. Lol.

Also, they live nearby…this isn’t a “but it is the only time a year we see each other!” sort of thing. They can spend time with your mom any other time.

Their kids are getting older (and most likely less Santa-focused) and now have school breaks etc to work around also. Makes total sense for their family to consider traveling over break now, even though they didn’t before.

They are in the same region—ex Bethesda to Baltimore—not the same town. My mother only sees them a handful of times per year. Her parents live in their same town and see them practically every day.

.

So.

You need to drop your strongly held belief that everything has to be equal. Are you azzhats to sil or their kids? You better believe, if you are nasty my family would rarely be around and would definitely not let you ruin a major holiday. Maybe focus on being less nasty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, your SIL is widowed, or divorced? Or your brother is a deaf, mute, blind quadriplegic who can’t communicate in any way?

OH WAIT. Your brother is also equally responsible for this decision. And yet you only blame the woman, you sexist jerk.

Just because she strongarmed her husband into agreeing with her doesn't mean she doesn't get the lion's share of the blame. SIL can't have it both ways - getting what she wants (Christmas Eve and Day with her family, not having to see DH's family on Christmas at all) AND also getting to play "this was our joint decision, teeheehee."

This is an astute point. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence every time things erode with her husband’s extended family, it leads to more time with her own extended family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And this why American families have so many mental health issues. Everyone is selfish and no respect for tradition and elders. No reason their trip can’t start the next day or even that evening

You think subsuming your preferences to comply with traditions you didn't choose or care about in order to appease others improves mental health?

I hear you. But breaking traditions that important to people you love sends the message that you don't care about them. That hurt stays with people. So then when you need them, they are less willing to help out. And the relationship just keeps on breaking down bit by bit until there's nothing left but hurt and maybe regret. So sometimes you wait 2 days to start your vacation because while your mental health is important, so is your mother or mother-in-law's feelings. Now if there is abuse or if the relationship is already completely broken, then enjoy your xmas on the beach. You have to weigh both sides and sometimes choose the unselfish thing.

Yes, forever and ever and ever. You must appease the family. You must always put them first and make sure you never deviate from their plans or expectations.

Absolute hell. What rubish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why didn’t DH just let his family know in January or February that they’d be unavailable for Christmas 2024?

Life happens, plans change… I don’t see why it’s necessary to announce no more Christmas celebrations going forward, especially to an elderly MIL.

No one believes this happened as op painted it. I'm surprised no one in her family fainted or had the vapors.

Such childishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Elderly ppl can stay elderly for 15-20 years, they or ppl like you should not hold extended family hostage to your parent’s age. If SIL sees your mom regularly during the year and bears more of the burden of helping out than you, then it’s perfectly fine for her to want a Xmas getaway or alternative plan. Your pearl clutching is a bit out of touch with reality.

Talk about gaslighting. Elderly pensioners wanting to include all of their children and grandchildren in their Christmas festivities ONE TIME A YEAR is being “held hostage”? Get a grip.

Spending time with family at Christmas is provincial and passe! Old people are boring, especially when they are not related to you by blood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All the responses to this thread show that family relationships can be the hardest, because we have such high expectations, such high emotional needs, and so much (I think?) love. These high stakes relationships can go sour quickly. It means we need extra understanding, extra mercy, and extra forgiveness. It’s super hard. But the alternative- estrangements and generations of bitterness- are worse.

So is your point that we should all be vewwwy vewwwy afraid of upsetting a relative and just go along with what everyone else wants so they can be happy? That's nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, your SIL is widowed, or divorced? Or your brother is a deaf, mute, blind quadriplegic who can’t communicate in any way?

OH WAIT. Your brother is also equally responsible for this decision. And yet you only blame the woman, you sexist jerk.

Just because she strongarmed her husband into agreeing with her doesn't mean she doesn't get the lion's share of the blame. SIL can't have it both ways - getting what she wants (Christmas Eve and Day with her family, not having to see DH's family on Christmas at all) AND also getting to play "this was our joint decision, teeheehee."

This is an astute point. Or maybe it’s just a coincidence every time things erode with her husband’s extended family, it leads to more time with her own extended family.

Is that why OP refuses to tell us when her husband's family gets to see OP on the actual holidays?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, are you married, and do you have kids? Yes or no.

Yes, yes, and we travel the furthest with kids. About four hours by car to the hub region our mom and two siblings reside in. A fourth sibling married with no children flies in from Seattle. Fourth sibling sometimes stays with us.

If you had kids, you'd know you can just up and go on vacation any time. Aren't you sly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.[/quote]

This has to be the most ridiculous comment you've made. If she's devout Easter would be more important. You are a joke.