Millennials feel 'abandoned' by parents not available to help raise grandkids: 'Too busy'

[Anonymous]

We don't live near my parents or my in-laws, but neither of them would be much help if we lived closer unless it was an emergency.... We knew that going into having children. My parents raised four kids and so did my husband's. They have no interest in raising more.
My sister, however, has in-laws that live very close and babysit for free while they work. It would be nice to save that amount of money that we spend on daycare every week, but I don't think anyone should have an expectation that they're going to get free child care from their parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

You had them. Why is it up to your parents to take the pressure off?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boomers had their parents (sometimes both sets!) nearby. And they were helpful.

Now as grandparents they want all the fun without any of the assistance. It sucks.

Did you stay near your parents? Everyone I know who stayed near their parents (not the ones who moved to be closer to parents for help with childcare during covid, that's a whole different set of people), but the ones who went to college, then moved back to their hometown or whose parents moved to be near them after they settled somewhere, they all have close relationships with their families. The people who moved to be near their families for childcare because they felt entitled to their help during Covid, or the ones whose parents live several hours drive or flight away and feel entitled to childcare at the drop of a hat are just being ridiculous.

This is me and my parents also begged for grandchildren ... flash forward 8 years later and they couldn't be bothered to spend really any time with my DD. It's beyond frustrating. I don't need childcare, she's in school full time and we pay for summer care (and we paid plenty for daycare in that phase of life), but it would be nice if they could be slightly interested in their grandchild. They aren't even super busy. One is retired, the other works part time, they don't have hobbies or travel a ton (just 1-2x/year). They just don't care.

This is my in-laws. I am a SAHM and always have been so didn’t need the childcare, but their lack of genuine interest in my kids is still shocking to me. Now that the kids are teens/tweens, in-laws are slightly more interested (because teens are interesting!) and they can’t figure out why my kids don’t feel close or connected to them.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

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To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

You should never had kids. You are unfit for the job.

Not at all. We just see the priorities of our grandparents clearly.

They have done their job to raise kids (i.e., you and your siblings). Now, STFU and do YOUR job and raise your own damn kids! You sound terribly entitled.

You sound like a caricature of a lazy boomer.

Lazy because they are finished raising kids? I have zero intention of "raising" any grandkids I may have.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This just so does not resonate for me. All the boomer grandparents I know would loose to spend more time with their grandkids. My neighbor has offered. to watch her granddaughter as many days as possible but the mom thinks it’s better for the child to have consistency in childcare (which is fine). I know lots of millennials who want to limit the grandparents time or really control how/when etc. My sister who is a boomer flies to her kids houses all the time to help out if one parent is traveling or they want to take a kid free vacation.
I do wonder if people are making it really hard for their parents to care for the kids by putting a ton of restrictions on it. My grandmother watched me almost daily. Did she do it the way my mom would have wanted? Probably not. I are a LOT of pudding and she let me watch some questionable TV. But it was fine. You have to be a little flexible and not treat your parents like employees. I definitely see some millennials who would rather pay someone they can micromanage than let their parents have some leeway. My approach is to set out some basic safety standards (careers, sleeping on back, etc.). But otherwise let it go.

This!! Barely boomer here, 59. We work f-t still but do watch and spend time with our grandchildren often. We live close, enjoy them and want to create memories. Daughter is SAHM w/ a PHD, which is FINE but stop complaining about money. When we have the kids, there are so many rules. We can't have the news on, any programs we watch together have to be previously approved, they don't like them around some family members for stupid reasons, have to approve our friends who come by (it seems by comments made by the kids). The older ones read ingredients on everything we feed them. I do cook very healthy and mostly have adjusted but it IS A LOT and we get tattled on. We are made to feel like the children sometimes and it's ridiculous but it's still, "We need a break" and they get help. Let us be the grandparents. Let us keep them alive like we did you. UGH!!

Wow. That’s one obnoxious woman probably raising obnoxious kids. I don’t know if I could do it. My mother came to my house and I left. She’s their grandmother not my employee. Did your daughter forget that you raised her and did a good job? It’s not harmful to have different rules for grandparents. It’s healthy.

That's the way we feel too. The kids are young still, home schooled semi-isolated so we'll see how things change as they grow older. They are great parents in most ways but they have forgotten how great it was to grow up with all the freedoms they enjoyed. The kids are well behaved and respectful. They are doing a lot right but shouldn't make things so extremely difficult for those who want to be in their children's lives.

There are two sides to this. Sorry that I'm not okay with my kids coming over, watching nonstop TV for hours, eating unlimited desserts, juice and Diet Coke (who gives Diet Coke to toddlers?!). Then the kids come back to parents and they're crazed out of their minds. Can't grandparents take time out of their busy TV watching schedules to even play with kids? What's the point of even seeing the kids to just sit and binge TV with them.

My kids are so well behaved and love to play. Why are you trying to go out of your way to disrupt things? My FIL gave my toddler dessert (pie) and hot chocolate for breakfast and when I said we should wait and have that later, he told me it was his job to spoil. I packed the kids in the car and left. Grandparents aren't there to undermine parents, they're there to be another set of loving adults to bond with.

I totally understand this. We are not them. We limit sweets and screen time, it's more fun to play. I've never had soft drinks in my home and understand and love keeping kids on their schedules. This is not the problem at all. The policing in other areas is the issue. We love the kids and won't expose them to things they shouldn't be exposed to. It would be nice to be trusted to know how to be good grandparents without all the rules. It's exhausting to get approval for every little thing or be tattled on. It does make me think twice before having them stay overnight as much as I would like to.

Don’t bother trying to be reasonable to this barely literate woman. The only time I see young children, babies even! With screens in their faces is public places with their mothers. Grocery stores they have their mother’s phone while sitting in the carriage. Out shopping, the kids under four are in carriages with iPad watching cartoons. In family restaurants each child with their own iPad and the mother texting. No words are exchanged between them.

This is the norm with todays mothers and it’s a disgrace. There’s no denying it either because it’s happening in public. We can all see it. They are all in their own worlds. Sad

My kid taught herself to read on her iPad at 4 while I was on work calls during Covid. So sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boomers are too busy and galavanting around on vacations to help their kids and grand kids, sad. Another example of boomer selfishness on top of the wealth taking and focusing younger generations to find their lifestyles, sad.

https://www.foxnews.com/media/millennials-feel-abandoned-parents-available-help-raise-grandkids-busy.amp

Don't have children expecting your parents to be your free child Care. We took care of our kids and you can do the same.

[Anonymous]

Taking care of kids is one of the joys of a parents life. It only lasts 17 years. It’s hard but that’s why you do it when you’re young and physically/ mentally at your strongest .

[Anonymous]

My parents only moved nearby once my kids were teens/tweens. I don't expect or need a lot of child care for them, but even on the few occasions (like 2xs a month total) we ask them for help with giving the kids a ride to local places, they are generally not available.

[Anonymous]

My mil helps with kids but causes problems and can’t be trusted to stand up for any bad behavior. (She chose a favorite grand kid. My child knows it, and it’s very obvious. My child has been super upset by this multiple times). The kids scatter and she sits on her phone. They could be doing anything and she’d have no idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

You had them. Why is it up to your parents to take the pressure off?

Their own parents helped them out quite a lot. However, they will not return the favor as grandparents themself. They are pretty much checked out.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I do get a bit annoyed at my boomer parents, who are always on vacation, while I have small children at home, a demanding career, and cannot get enough sleep.

That’s really bizarre. You made choices to have children and keep a demanding job. And you’re annoyed at retired parents who spent 30 or 40 years working jobs, taking care of children and are now taking vacations?

+1. The sense of entitlement is beyond me.

From our perspective, it is the grandparents who are entitled and making demands of us.

What demands are they making of you?

.

To have grandkids, to see the grandkids on holidays, to host them at our house, to FaceTime with them, to send them pictures and give them updates. But they can’t lift a finger. We just don’t have the time for that anymore. It just creates more work for us.

You should never had kids. You are unfit for the job.

Not at all. We just see the priorities of our grandparents clearly.

They have done their job to raise kids (i.e., you and your siblings). Now, STFU and do YOUR job and raise your own damn kids! You sound terribly entitled.

You sound like a caricature of a lazy boomer.

Lazy because they are finished raising kids? I have zero intention of "raising" any grandkids I may have.

You sound completely checked out as a grandparent with any interest in their grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boomers are too busy and galavanting around on vacations to help their kids and grand kids, sad. Another example of boomer selfishness on top of the wealth taking and focusing younger generations to find their lifestyles, sad.

https://www.foxnews.com/media/millennials-feel-abandoned-parents-available-help-raise-grandkids-busy.amp

Don't have children expecting your parents to be your free child Care. We took care of our kids and you can do the same.

I think most of us just want some genuine interest in being a grandparent. Being willing to watch the kids for 15 min here or there would demonstrate that.

[Anonymous]

So amusing how this thread went from criticizing boomers for not helping to criticizing them for not doing it right. You just can’t win with you people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So amusing how this thread went from criticizing boomers for not helping to criticizing them for not doing it right. You just can’t win with you people.

Just keep booking your vacations then and enjoy your life of leisure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Boomers are too busy and galavanting around on vacations to help their kids and grand kids, sad. Another example of boomer selfishness on top of the wealth taking and focusing younger generations to find their lifestyles, sad.

https://www.foxnews.com/media/millennials-feel-abandoned-parents-available-help-raise-grandkids-busy.amp

Don't have children expecting your parents to be your free child Care. We took care of our kids and you can do the same.

I think most of us just want some genuine interest in being a grandparent. Being willing to watch the kids for 15 min here or there would demonstrate that.

Is there any other way to demonstrate interest? Or is free babysitting for you it?