Women 35+ who have never been in a relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, if you're much over 35, there just aren't a ton of available guys out there in the wild to meet. Meeting people was easy before 35. After that? Soooo hard. I go out to bars/restaurants and the majority of guys are half my age. I do get hit on, but the guys hitting on me are usually 15-20 years younger and that's kind of weird.

The last few guys I went on dates with seemed cool but then literally talked about themselves the entire time, and never really asked anything about me. That's kind of a turnoff.

I think this is very true. People seem to pair up by a certain age and it gets harder past 35. Where you live makes a huge difference too. I lived in a small southern town with few good jobs. The pool of guys gainfully employed was small and girls would be all over them even if they were married. Lots of women there married guys who were awful, ie abusive, cheaters, etc just because you couldn’t find better.

where you work in your 20s to early 30s matters a lot. I worked in a male dominated field and got to meet lots of well educated single great guys. One Fed agency I worked for was the kiss of death for anyone who wanted marriage. The culture was very family unfriendly and the chances for advancement were enticing. People would sacrifice their lives to move up the chain. This would have been one of the hardest places to work if you had kids and didn’t have a parent with a flexible schedule. I’d never seen so many lonely, never married with few relationships , 50 and up coworkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know that people whisper about why I've never really been in a relationship, especially because I'm fairly "normal" and have never had issues attracting men.
It's really just that I've always been very comfortable doing things by myself and don't care very much what people think. AND I'm quite particular about the kind of man I'm attracted to and want to be with. For me, it's a simple equation of "Will I be happier with him or by myself" and so far, the latter has always won out.

This is me exactly.

I will only add a man to my life if he enhances it.

I am busy and barely have time to see my dear friends (who are guaranteed good company , vs a stranger I have to audition).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two women like this. One comes on way too strong too soon (clingy) and then ends up hung up on the guy for months longer than she ever dated him, which prevents her from meeting someone new. She was talking about a guy she dated for 2 months for the better part of a year, including weekly therapy. Nothing especially traumatic happened either.

The other one is a very outgoing, loud personality and uncompromising in all areas of her life. She is fabulous, pretty, has a good career, very busy social life with plans most evenings but it would take someone with a similar lifestyle who also didn't mind sharing the spotlight and I think that is rare.

Yeah, I know someone like this, too. And to make matters worse, the men she obsesses over are players or emotionally unavailable. So she gets in this cycle of casually dating or hooking up with someone for a few weeks who isn't relationship material and doesn't want a relationship, then obsessing over them after they leave her for a year or so, then repeating the cycle. So she's never really paired up with someone, and is always in some state of deep angst.

Back to main question: why? I think my one friend who is in this boat at 38 says it was about missing early chances (likely undiagnosed ADHD) and then it becomes harder and harder to find guys without baggage (divorce, kids or both multiple times).

Think she was a romantic who aspired to tall dark and handsome (and given her pretty should have gotten one of these

She didn’t realize ‘love’ is a timed event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my sister in law. She just doesn’t put herself out there. It makes me wonder what the future looks like for her.

This is my sister. She’s in her 40s. Spends her weekends with our parents or her paired up high school friends. I think she’s given up and pretty much went back to being out parents’ little girl and is comfortable with that. It’s her life and choice but in the long run I don’t know what she’s going to do. I think she’s just very used to friends and family constantly accommodating her.

You sound horrible.

It was horrible to watch our parents encourage this for years. Sometimes this situation comes about because of the woman’s family. The parents like bring frozen in time. It’s toxic. I can’t imagine as a parent promoting this situation. They even discouraged her from moving to a new city.

This is my ils. My mil is a malignant narcissist and never wanted any of her kids to grow up. She would tell everyone this. She is the most controlling person I’ve ever met and when any of her 5 kids dated she would be very angry about it and she hated whomever he kid was with. Initially only the 2 black sheep in the family dated and married. They all were taught sex was evil and horrible. When dh, the golden child, married and had children she turned into one of the worst human beings in the planet. Two sisters have never married and well in to their 40s had never had a serious relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know two women like this. One comes on way too strong too soon (clingy) and then ends up hung up on the guy for months longer than she ever dated him, which prevents her from meeting someone new. She was talking about a guy she dated for 2 months for the better part of a year, including weekly therapy. Nothing especially traumatic happened either.

The other one is a very outgoing, loud personality and uncompromising in all areas of her life. She is fabulous, pretty, has a good career, very busy social life with plans most evenings but it would take someone with a similar lifestyle who also didn't mind sharing the spotlight and I think that is rare.

Yeah, I know someone like this, too. And to make matters worse, the men she obsesses over are players or emotionally unavailable. So she gets in this cycle of casually dating or hooking up with someone for a few weeks who isn't relationship material and doesn't want a relationship, then obsessing over them after they leave her for a year or so, then repeating the cycle. So she's never really paired up with someone, and is always in some state of deep angst.

Back to main question: why? I think my one friend who is in this boat at 38 says it was about missing early chances (likely undiagnosed ADHD) and then it becomes harder and harder to find guys without baggage (divorce, kids or both multiple times).

Think she was a romantic who aspired to tall dark and handsome (and given her pretty should have gotten one of these

She didn’t realize ‘love’ is a timed event.

There is some truth to this.

I loved that my very traditional parents never pressured me to settle down…but I would have appreciated a heads up about the window of opportunity.

I just think my mom did not know any better. She was not well educated or well traveled. She married her childhood sweetheart…I think when she became pregnant (which was scandalous at the time).

She had no insights to offer a woman on such a different track.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weird. I think if I counted up all my time spent single--i.e., not in a serious monogamous relationship, since age 15, it would amount to about a year. I am 46.

To me you are weird (can’t stand in your own two feet).

I gave friends who desperately make plans when their spouse is away because they are so uncomfortable being alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a lot of female acquaintances who are 35+ but have never been in a relationship. They are very pretty, educated, professionally successful, and have interesting hobbies. I understand if someone was unlucky in love and hasn’t met the right person, but it’s hard for me to understand never even trying. They might go on the occasional first date but have never had anyone they introduce as a partner or SO and never talk about looking for it. I’m so curious about how this happened but don’t want to be rude and ask them.

I also know men 35+ who have never been in relationships but it seems a bit different — for them it seems more related to social awkwardness, fear of rejection, or laziness. But who knows.

Like how many? I don’t think I know a single adult woman who has never dated someone. Where are you finding all these people?

People may look at me (in my sixties) and think I never dated. Of course I did on my 20s and 30s but they did not know me then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Very pretty" women are almost never single. They must not be pretty.

Untrue. There are many very pretty single women.

They must still be in their 20s.

A "very pretty" woman would be fending off suitors. There are always exceptions, but in 95% of the cases, a really pretty woman would be scooped up real quick.

“Scoooed up” sounds so passive.

I did fend off suitors. Therefore, they were unable to “scoop me up.”

Women are not objects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like my sister in law. She just doesn’t put herself out there. It makes me wonder what the future looks like for her.

Um, super happy with lots of free time and travel and money for herself?

-Happily married with kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:While not in this age group but I recently came in contact with a woman who says that she's 29 and she's never had a boyfriend and she's never had her first kiss yet either

I'm almost 47 and have never had a boyfriend and I've been kissed on the lips twice. Once was sexual harassment* and once was an unfortunate greeting by a senior citizen uncle. *When I reported the kiss to my boss the next day his response was "Why would he do that? I mean, why would he do that to YOU?" I was like wow I guess not only do men not like me but they can't even fathom ANYONE liking me.

STOP IT! If you want to find love, love will find you. Don't think like this another second.

I’m happily married, dated a lot in my 20s and early 30s and do not believe in waiting for love to find you. That’s Disney Syndrome. I put myself out there and joined activities that involved guys and did things with groups at work do I met a lot of people. You have to be out and about to meet people. I never liked jumping into one on one dating. When I was young there was time to get to know people a bit before dating. I was never passive about it and would invite guys to our group outings. I had no problem inviting a guy to go for lunch or a hike. If I was interested I’d let a guy know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this will become more a norm. The truth is we are in a hook up culture. Our economy is slowly drifting toward single people and single households. Very soon it will be strange to see a 35+ man or woman who is in a relationship.

Isn’t this true in Ireland? Most young people can’t get homes so they never move out of their parents. The cost of housing, and let’s remember even apartments are too expensive for many here, is going to increase the number of people never marrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Very pretty" women are almost never single. They must not be pretty.

Untrue. There are many very pretty single women.

They must still be in their 20s.

A "very pretty" woman would be fending off suitors. There are always exceptions, but in 95% of the cases, a really pretty woman would be scooped up real quick.

“Scoooed up” sounds so passive.

I did fend off suitors. Therefore, they were unable to “scoop me up.”

Women are not objects.

Agreed! I was plenty attractive and chased heavily in my teens, 20s and 30s. I had plenty of opportunities to marry but intentionally escaped them. Still chased in my 40s but had by then learned how to send clear signals of disinterest without wounding fragile egos. Glad to finally be largely invisible in my 50s - freedom is more enjoyable when it is also free of the male gaze.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was young there was time to get to know people a bit before dating. I was never passive about it and would invite guys to our group outings. I had no problem inviting a guy to go for lunch or a hike. If I was interested I’d let a guy know.

Good for you. I admire your willingness to make things happen instead of sitting on your hands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a 45 years old divorced dad I found women in the 30-35 age bracket the most difficult to date. In my opinion and experience, I felt like they were walking around with a clipboard making sure all their ideals were checked. Nothing wrong with being selective it’s just the experience I have had. The easiest ones to date have been women over 35 and those over 30 that are divorced and/or have kids. But single women with no kids between 30 and 35 good luck guys.

A general rule of dating for men is that women get pickier the older they get and the more their looks fade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Very pretty" women are almost never single. They must not be pretty.

Untrue. There are many very pretty single women.

They must still be in their 20s.

A "very pretty" woman would be fending off suitors. There are always exceptions, but in 95% of the cases, a really pretty woman would be scooped up real quick.

A lot of them don’t want to be scooped up and they’re sick of fending off suitors. I’ve been told I’m beautiful objectively and I’m 45 and I always have male attention and I can’t stand it and I’m single because I want to be single because I’m sick of men. They have nothing to offer. They’re always fawning over me and they’re annoying.

This is something people dont tell you. When you're attractive, you get to really see how men TRULY are. You get to see how many of them are raw horndogs that will check you out openly and brazenly while their pregnant wife is standing a foot away. You see the way men try to pressure you into sex, or treat you weirdly, or claim to "feel a connection" when they barely know you. On the other hand, plenty of beautiful women never get approached because men generally want someone who is easy and will look after them and take care of them, and they assume the beautiful woman is too stuck up for that.

I honestly think making a relationship work is often WORK and the only women who seem to really be willing to do it are the women who are either 1) desperate financially 2) not that attractive and have something to prove 3) very obsessed or committed to the idea of a two parent, traditional family life. That's the only way the juice is worth the squeeze, if you're getting something out of it that you really want.

For highly attractive women, who already get all the male validation they could want from the stares they get on the street, occasional freebies they might get from smitten male workers, lots of compliments from women about their looks, what's the point in putting up with male behavior, especially if they have their own money? Being in a relationship with a man involves a lot of overlooking his annoying or childlike tendencies, having sex when you dont feel like it, arguing with him to do more chores around the house, etc. If you're already beautiful, already have that societal validation, already have money... why bother?