Why are people here so averse to pushing their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

Another daughter of immigrants and I really don’t recognize what you are saying. I come from a world where my family believes that outward educational and monetary success results in the other success like social or emotional success. I really don’t know immigrant families that identify social
and emotional success as independent areas.

what is emotional success? i really want to know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

Another daughter of immigrants and I really don’t recognize what you are saying. I come from a world where my family believes that outward educational and monetary success results in the other success like social or emotional success. I really don’t know immigrant families that identify social
and emotional success as independent areas.

what is emotional success? i really want to know.

Being content with who you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy the 3 generations thing. Most UMC families I know are 3rd and 4th generation immigrants.

but a lot of them keep pushing their kids.

Not in the same way.
We provide tutoring and let them know what our expectations are but we don't forbid them to go socialize or give them screaming guilt trips, etc.
Having lived a life and seeing the end results of school and career choices I know it matters very little whether they get into Harvard or a lesser school. Harvard opens some doors but after that their work will lead them much further .

i am sorry your parents forbade you to socialize and gave you screaming guilt trips. i cannot relate to that, but i was pushed to perform and i am doing the same with my own kids. it works.

Ditto.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

Another daughter of immigrants and I really don’t recognize what you are saying. I come from a world where my family believes that outward educational and monetary success results in the other success like social or emotional success. I really don’t know immigrant families that identify social
and emotional success as independent areas.

They aren't independent areas. But the idea that you are emotionally stable and able to handle what life throws at you was certainly something my parents wanted for me. And told me so. I think their scaffolding for me in this area was not one that others might recognize, but I truly was mostly centered and not given to self destructive tendencies. If I had real mental health issues, perhaps they would have been slower to recognize I needed help than if they were not immigrants? I dont know. But I do know they would have moved heaven and earth to figure out what was going on, because I was/am that important to them. Just because they didn't demonstrate concern about the "whole child" in the way their American neighbors down the street did, certainly did not suggest they didn't provide everything needed for the "whole child"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

Another daughter of immigrants and I really don’t recognize what you are saying. I come from a world where my family believes that outward educational and monetary success results in the other success like social or emotional success. I really don’t know immigrant families that identify social
and emotional success as independent areas.

what is emotional success? i really want to know.

Being content with who you are.

oh, ok. so a serial killer who is content with being just that is a winner in your book.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

Another daughter of immigrants and I really don’t recognize what you are saying. I come from a world where my family believes that outward educational and monetary success results in the other success like social or emotional success. I really don’t know immigrant families that identify social
and emotional success as independent areas.

what is emotional success? i really want to know.

Being content with who you are.

oh, ok. so a serial killer who is content with being just that is a winner in your book.

Dp. More like a person who can communicate without histrionics and sarcasm is emotionally successful in my book

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

Another daughter of immigrants and I really don’t recognize what you are saying. I come from a world where my family believes that outward educational and monetary success results in the other success like social or emotional success. I really don’t know immigrant families that identify social
and emotional success as independent areas.

what is emotional success? i really want to know.

Being content with who you are.

oh, ok. so a serial killer who is content with being just that is a winner in your book.

Dp. More like a person who can communicate without histrionics and sarcasm is emotionally successful in my book

NP. I’m a fan of your style.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

Another daughter of immigrants and I really don’t recognize what you are saying. I come from a world where my family believes that outward educational and monetary success results in the other success like social or emotional success. I really don’t know immigrant families that identify social
and emotional success as independent areas.

+1 totally agree with you, PP - also a daughter of immigrants

[Anonymous]

I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

[Anonymous]

Dc knows no screen time for 1 month with every B on report card starting middle school. I’m well aware of the risk that they might play video games all day long in the future when I have no control of their devices. The hope is they’ll have better self-control when older. Now 10th grade, still straight A. So at least works for now.

[Anonymous]

Most of the PPs share a common assumption:

That without parental “pushing” or “pressure,” their kids will not be motivated or successful.

This is completely contrary to the research. Human beings are inherently motivated. It looks different for different people, but it’s part of the human drive.

The term that connects all this research is “Self-Determibation Theory.”

I believe the research originated in the University of Rochester psychology department in the 1980s, and has spun off applications to many different fields, including parenting. (It’s also the foundation for Carol Dweck’s amazing work re mindsets and motivation.)

If you’re interested:

https://selfdeterminationtheory.org/theory/

Re application to parenting, in particular:

https://www.fatherly.com/parenting/self-determination-theory-independent-kids/amp

The Psychology of Parental Control: How Well-meant Parenting Backfires, by Wendy S. Grolnick

https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dc knows no screen time for 1 month with every B on report card starting middle school. I’m well aware of the risk that they might play video games all day long in the future when I have no control of their devices. The hope is they’ll have better self-control when older. Now 10th grade, still straight A. So at least works for now.

Your kid is likely doing it because of EXTERNAL motivation - i.e. fear of negative consequences imposed by you, the parent.

Maybe once your DC leaves the house and goes to college, this will somehow be transformed into INTERNAL motivation - i.e. doing it because they want to or according to their own internal system of values.

I hope so. Otherwise you’re either going to have to cut the cord and watch as they try to discover self-motivation in college, or they’ll wash out because mommy and daddy aren’t breathing down their neck anymore. (Or you’ll continue on the hands-on path - as one of those overly-involved, boundary-less parents who knows when their college kid’s tests/papers are due and nags/reminds/checks in to see if they’re on track.

[Anonymous]

You are a monster, OP.

Also most truly smart kids don't need to be pushed. I certainly did not; my expectations were way higher than my parents' academic goals for me.

But the way I let my father down was this: I was never thin enough for him and he never let me forget that.


It left me with terrible sexual dysfunction I have never forgiven him for.

You have proven you love your children conditionally. Your "love" has a high cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tried to push my kid academically when she was younger and I think I have contributed to her teenage depression and anxiety. I now gently encourage but no more pressure.

This is not true. She probably would have depression or anxiety even if you didn't push her. PP, please don't blame yourself for your daughter's mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dc knows no screen time for 1 month with every B on report card starting middle school. I’m well aware of the risk that they might play video games all day long in the future when I have no control of their devices. The hope is they’ll have better self-control when older. Now 10th grade, still straight A. So at least works for now.

Your kid is likely doing it because of EXTERNAL motivation - i.e. fear of negative consequences imposed by you, the parent.

Maybe once your DC leaves the house and goes to college, this will somehow be transformed into INTERNAL motivation - i.e. doing it because they want to or according to their own internal system of values.

I hope so. Otherwise you’re either going to have to cut the cord and watch as they try to discover self-motivation in college, or they’ll wash out because mommy and daddy aren’t breathing down their neck anymore. (Or you’ll continue on the hands-on path - as one of those overly-involved, boundary-less parents who knows when their college kid’s tests/papers are due and nags/reminds/checks in to see if they’re on track.

That might be true. I guess it’s because I do a lot of thing for external motivation. I work hard for higher income and promotions, or because of fear of no job.
I don’t think it’s that bad. They might fail later, or they fail now. Even I let them be now, there is no guarantee they’ll be self motivated later. Also, some of the external factors (such as grades) will impact their lives for a long time.