Why are people here so averse to pushing their kids?
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Anonymous
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I don't push my kids academically. I have seen that destroy kids craving to learn and define themselves only by grades.
I do push my kids to be age appropriate independent I also do not track them or need to know where they are 24/7 |
Anonymous
Oh sweetie you need to do a little research on how parents are the main reason for their kid's mental health issues. |
Anonymous
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Well I do require my kids to do their best which means checking to make sure they did their homework and are studying.
I have average white, UMC kids. I know they're not going to get into the Ivy League. So we're not pushing them to take 4 APs every year. |
Anonymous
All true. The issue is that by acting as their external motivator, you are crowding out their ability to develop internal/natural motivation. You have made youreslf both the goal-setter and the enforcer when it comes to their success and achievement. Literally, the way you've set it up, their "job" is to please you. To me, this is not developmentally appropriate for teenagers unless they are failing or truly incapable of doing it themselves because of a developmental disability. As for you being externally motivated yourself, that's fine if it works for you. But there are other - more healthy - ways to find motivation. Yes, we all need money and don't want to get fired. But that feels negative and fear-based. Internal motivation is related to that good feeling we have inside -- when we do a great job on something, accomplish something we value, learn something that interests us etc. It's INTERNAL - meaning it's because WE value it, not just because our boss or friends or "society" values it. (Or in your DC's case, because their parent values it.) You do you, of course. But I feel a littel empathy for your DC. They're missing out on an important part of being a teenager - the true self-esteem, confidence, and pleasure that come from making good decisions for themselves. (And yes, of course, there will also be bad decisions along the way, too. But there's also a lot of self-esteem and confidence that comes from overcoming and learning from mistakes! That's part of what builds resilience. (Pleasing your parents does not.) For example, there's all sorts of research that shows that if you pay someone for preventing them from developing i |
Anonymous
+1 I agree with this based on observing the community around me - at least in most cases. Often it's a matter of degree. The underlying issue would be there no matter what (a genetic/chemical tendency towards anxiety or depression) but the parents' behavior (pressure/demands) escalates the underlying issue rather than difuses it. But I don't have any research to back this up. Would you be willing to share a source or two? (I think Wendy Grolnick's work speaks to this, but I'm not sure. https://www.amazon.com/Psychology-Parental-Control-Well-meant-Parenting/dp/0805835415 ) |
Anonymous
wut? parents play literally no role in mental health issues, except for passing their genetic propensities. |
Anonymous
Parents absolutely can cause depression or anxiety issues in their kids through their actions Hopefully not on purpose, but it can and does happen. |
Anonymous
This is an uneducated statement. |
Anonymous
-1 You are gross, PP. We know many families where one kid is perfectly mentally fine and the other kid has severe depression or anxiety. Blaming parents for their kids' mental health issues is disgusting. |
Anonymous
+2 |
Anonymous
Read what I wrote - GENETICS + environment. Siblings share sone genes but certainly not all. One may have a genetic predisposition while the other sibling doesn’t. For the sibling who does not have the predisposition, parental behavior likely won’t have an influence on mental health (unless it’s awful, traumatic parental behavior, and no one is talking about this here!!) But for the sibling who is genetically predisposed to depression/anxiety, I think it’s crazy to be so certain parental behavior has no impact. Just as positive interventions can help steer things in a healthy direction, loving but misguided behavior could have a negative impact. Nothing about this is talking about all kids and all parents. But if a child is genetically predisposed to anxiety/depression, I think it’s irresponsible and outright cruel for parents to intentionally apply strong and consistent pressure on a kid to achieve with academics or sports (or popularity or appearance/weight). In that case, yes, the parent is doing harm. |
Anonymous
Here’s one of many common sense examples that proves you wrong: Parent is a violent alcoholic who chronically abuses spouse and child over multiple years. Home is unstable as a result. Child endures violence and lives in fear. Later, as an adult, that child suffers from depression and anxiety. Do you think their violent and abusive parent played “literally no role” in creating those “mental health issues, except for padding their genetic properties”??? |
Anonymous
right. i am a phd psychologist. you? |
Anonymous
this doesn't prove anything. alcoholism is highly heritable and so are other mental issues. also, while severe abuse might have some effect (no evidence whatsoever that it has even moderate effect, btw), people here are saying that, say, expecting good grades has similar effect. |
Anonymous
A phd psychologist says parents play NO role except passing on genetic propensities? Really? |