Why are people here so averse to pushing their kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

funny thing about cycles... the cycle doesn't end with happy, well-adjusted kids enjoying life at leisurely pace. it ends with their kids (if not them) abusing drugs and falling back to poverty level.

So interesting! Let's see tye historical record of that.

While it is not exactly the same thing, surely you have heard of "shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations"? This article talks about instilling work ethic in the third generation and how to do it for high net worth families.

https://www.theglobeandmail.com/globe-investor/globe-wealth/eroding-family-fortunes-how-the-cycle-can-be-broken/article33757468/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

[Anonymous]

I don't buy the 3 generations thing. Most UMC families I know are 3rd and 4th generation immigrants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

+1 with south Asian immigrant parents and I agree 100 percent. Basically the next stage of the same cycle you are talking about.

We are much more lax with our kids. Want them to have a happy childhood and higher self esteem. We are pretty comfortable and don't worry that much - we provide a good scaffolding but the kids will figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

Everything costs money. If your parents didn’t work so hard, push you hard, and Instead enjoyed more hobbies and leisure time, you’d probably be still paying off several thousands of dollars in loans still to your mediocre state college with your middle class income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy the 3 generations thing. Most UMC families I know are 3rd and 4th generation immigrants.

but a lot of them keep pushing their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

funny thing about cycles... the cycle doesn't end with happy, well-adjusted kids enjoying life at leisurely pace. it ends with their kids (if not them) abusing drugs and falling back to poverty level.

So interesting! Let's see tye historical record of that.

"unhappy stressed out" hard-working people create resources. "happy" descendants focused on their "mental health" (with which they seem to struggle a lot, despite lack of pressure) spend them. eventually, you run out of money, reputation, connections, good will and need to start with the bottom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

Everything costs money. If your parents didn’t work so hard, push you hard, and Instead enjoyed more hobbies and leisure time, you’d probably be still paying off several thousands of dollars in loans still to your mediocre state college with your middle class income.

but "they would be happier". maybe. or they are just a lazy spoiled rotten complainer who would have complained about something else instead.

[Anonymous]

How old is your child, OP? At a certain point, if they aren't good at music you stop the instrument and if they prefer to focus on art, you don't make them try out for 3 varsity sports.

A lot of life is figuring out what you like and are good at, and then prioritizing that. This happens more and more as they age. You don't say "you have to play an instrument" and instead say "you have to engage with SOMETHING."

I don't coddle, but I also don't make my kids waste time on things they don't enjoy and don't derive much satisfaction from just for the sake of it.

My parents never pushed me, but I was really driven. They are successful and the need to be so myself was implied. Micromanaging would have been awful. If your kids need pushing, the first question is why? And then figure out what type of motivation they need (assuming they aren't self-motivated).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

You are welcome. Gotta go eat the cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

funny thing about cycles... the cycle doesn't end with happy, well-adjusted kids enjoying life at leisurely pace. it ends with their kids (if not them) abusing drugs and falling back to poverty level.

So interesting! Let's see tye historical record of that.

"unhappy stressed out" hard-working people create resources. "happy" descendants focused on their "mental health" (with which they seem to struggle a lot, despite lack of pressure) spend them. eventually, you run out of money, reputation, connections, good will and need to start with the bottom.

Oh such a limited mindset.

You don't create resources. You're a cog who is higher paid than the cog down the block. You live in the same neighborhood, vacation in mostly the same places, your kids go to mostly the same schools and socialize with mostly the same other children. You may afford private vs public school but the public schools are top notch. You might afford first class seat but it's the same trip to Europe. You might have more domestic help but the grandparents and siblings pitch in here.

I don't at all see the allure of pushing your child to do marginally better than they would do without the pressure

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy the 3 generations thing. Most UMC families I know are 3rd and 4th generation immigrants.

but a lot of them keep pushing their kids.

Not in the same way.
We provide tutoring and let them know what our expectations are but we don't forbid them to go socialize or give them screaming guilt trips, etc.
Having lived a life and seeing the end results of school and career choices I know it matters very little whether they get into Harvard or a lesser school. Harvard opens some doors but after that their work will lead them much further .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't buy the 3 generations thing. Most UMC families I know are 3rd and 4th generation immigrants.

but a lot of them keep pushing their kids.

Not in the same way.
We provide tutoring and let them know what our expectations are but we don't forbid them to go socialize or give them screaming guilt trips, etc.
Having lived a life and seeing the end results of school and career choices I know it matters very little whether they get into Harvard or a lesser school. Harvard opens some doors but after that their work will lead them much further .

i am sorry your parents forbade you to socialize and gave you screaming guilt trips. i cannot relate to that, but i was pushed to perform and i am doing the same with my own kids. it works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I posted this as a comment on another thread, but I think it's odd how many posters here are averse to pushing their kid and having them develop an amazing work ethic (the #1 key to success!) all because they're worried that they'll harm their fragile snowflake's "mental health."


I demand that my kid (who is of fairly average intelligence -- 110 IQ) take the most rigorous classes offered at their school (a "W" school), try their best to get straight As (so far successful except for 1 B sophomore year), participate in a sport, play an instrument, work a (crappy, minimum wage) summer job, and be active in community service. DC doesn't want to do any of this (they are naturally very lazy), but I push them academically and extracurricularly because it forms a well-rounded human being. Not for the sake of college admissions, not for the sake of impressing an AO, but for the sake of developing a work ethic that'll launch them into success in college and beyond. Too many Americans these days lack a strong work ethic.

And for some reason, the parents on here think that all of this will destroy my kid's mental health. The best thing you can do for your kid's mental health is to build grit and resilience, as well as normalize failure. That's why I demand that my kid try their best at activities that are naturally outside of their comfort zone. It seems as though this is a common approach to successful and well-rounded kids; the ones who are the healthiest and happiest in DC's friend group are the ones who are pushed by their parents to do things outside of their comfort zone while normalizing failure and not being the best at everything you do. And the ones in DC's friend group with the most mental health issues are the ones with coddling parents who try to shelter their kid from every potential failure while not pushing them to step outside of their comfort zone.

I will answer you honestly, OP.
I don't push my children to develop an "amazing work ethic" because I'm not a 1st generation immigrant.

My parents parents were and they - when finally blessed with the opportunity- did what you are describing. My parents went to the best colleges, work day in, day out and weekends and got ahead in high pressure, high stakes, high paying jobs. And were miserable

.
We all would have been happier with parents who were around more, who took better care of their mental and spiritual health, who enjoyed hobbies and life vs having the best house, the best cars. The best clothes, etc.

You will notice that 20 years ago the doctors and lawyers were Jewish because their parents fled oppression post ww2 and pushed their children to work as hard as possible and it paid off financially. But they aren't pushing their children to follow in their footsteps for a reason. Now all the doctors and lawyers are middle or far eastern who are going through the same cycle.

We take stock of what's important and it's more of a whole person vs hard work ethic. Besides, the working world has changed and hard work and loyalty don't pay off as they used to anyway.

As a first generation immigrant, I can assure you that being a whole person is important for us too. It's just much less affordable for those who weren't here for generations. "I must study politics and war..." and so on. Hopefully my grandchildren will be able to study art history without scolding others for their perceived ignorance regarding the overall well being.

No one said it was out of ignorance, just that it's a fact. Thank you for reaffirming it.

NP. Daughter of immigrants here. My parents were demanding as I was growing up. They expected me to do my very best since that was my contribution to my family. They worked hard and they taught me the value of hard work too. This idea that they didn't care about me as a "whole person" is truly offensive. They cared about almost nothing other than the success - social, emotional, cultural, academic - of me and my siblings. Because of them (and my in-laws), my kids now have much more flexibility to pursue what I guess you call "whole person" passions. But my message to them is the same that my parents gave me (not in words so much but in their actions every day) "I adore you. I want the best for you. You have an obligation to your family to take care of yourself in the long run. The best thing you can do is to work as hard as you can, and do your absolute best. This is what I expect from you. I have faith in you."

Another daughter of immigrants and I really don’t recognize what you are saying. I come from a world where my family believes that outward educational and monetary success results in the other success like social or emotional success. I really don’t know immigrant families that identify social
and emotional success as independent areas.