Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Every good financial advisor and accountant will tell you that you need to make it equal if you want some sort of family harmony, unless say you have a child with severe special needs or something. As has been pointed out, one child may seem better off than another, but one major illness or emergency can change all that.

In most of the cases I have heard of and even in my own extended family-in functional, healthy families, the parents chose to keep things equal and even made sure the child who was there for them was paid during that time for missed work, etc. In dysfunctional families there is all sorts of unfairness and even siblings who liked eachother sometimes find their relationships fall apart in the aftermath.

Time again people on here rant about how parents can do what they want and children are so greedy and time again any expert will tell you to keep things equal for the sake of harmony and basic decency.

My elderly narc mom who loves drama and triangulation has claimed it will be equal but has her assets in a trust that is completely out of probate. My brother, who has been abusive to me since childhood, is the sole trustee and executor. There will be no check on his actions by a probate judge. My sick mother loves to claim she is thinking of changing it to a 3rd party executor/trustee to try to real me in from time to time. She gets to claim to be mother of the year while planning nastiness from the grave. My brother's latest wife is cold and greedy. I would not be surprised if she takes money and runs once he gets it and funds co-mingle. Since she is not the mom of his kids I don't see how they will inherit, she is younger and in much better health. Best to make your own money and not expect dysfunctional people to resist one last hurrah and opportunity for cruelty. Few can resist, it seems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

My brother passed away, but he was a disaster. My parents helped him a bunch and in their Will whatever they spent on buying his condo, cars, spending money was going to be subtracted from what he received.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

I would never ask about an inheritance. So rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

I’m an estate attorney and this is true.

[Anonymous]

My aunt got much more than my dad when my grandmother died, but she lived 5-10 mins away and visited daily and he was across the country and could barley bring himself to call. I think if given the choice for the inheritance and caring for his mother during some difficult years / arranging grocery shopping etc my dad would still forego the money. My husband’s brother lives with my in-laws. He was without a job for years (now has a good blue collar job). My MIL still works (nurse) and does a ton around the house while my FIL really doesn’t help. When I was last there my BIL grocery shopped and made a few meals and took his mom out to a movie and played with my kids and was just involved and helpful. If he’s helping them day to day and inherits their house and money that’s fine with me snd DH (and we know that’s the current plan). DH’s other two siblings are estranged from their parents and we live far away and only see them every other year. I don’t feel entitled to anything from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

Odd perspective. She’s doing more. Essentially, your mom is paying her after her death. Your circumstances are different, but that doesn’t change the fact your sister is working hard for your mom right now. Elder care is very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

Agree with this 100%. Until you've done that level of caregiving, you have no idea how difficult it is. If you truly want to help, offer some respite time for your sister - offer to take your mom for the weekend, or visit your mom for a weekend (leave your kids at home). Your sister is going to need support and breaks, not competition. And just because her kids graduated, doesn't mean they don't need their mom. You don't know what their situation is or her parenting duties.

Odd perspective. She’s doing more. Essentially, your mom is paying her after her death. Your circumstances are different, but that doesn’t change the fact your sister is working hard for your mom right now. Elder care is very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

PP, what would work for you? I don't mean that in a crass way, but what if it was 60-40?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

PP, what would work for you? I don't mean that in a crass way, but what if it was 60-40?

And to add - for the first time in years your sister actually has time for herself, career, spouse after the hamster wheel of work, childrearing, etc. It's a big ask for her to now be primary caregiver for your elderly mom - for free and with apparently little emotional or physical support from you. It's a thankless task and you think she's due? Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

PP, what would work for you? I don't mean that in a crass way, but what if it was 60-40?

And to add - for the first time in years your sister actually has time for herself, career, spouse after the hamster wheel of work, childrearing, etc. It's a big ask for her to now be primary caregiver for your elderly mom - for free and with apparently little emotional or physical support from you. It's a thankless task and you think she's due? Wow.

Exactly... I'm guessing your sister might have been looking forward to having more time for herself. Rough to immediately pivot to elder care responsibilities with apparently little/no other family support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children.

NP. I get this, and generally share your understanding. But I'll share a different spin. My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom. My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college. She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom. By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible. So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such. I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest. My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs. So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing. I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work. But our situations are very different.

I'm the previous poster you responded to. The other thing that becomes apparent in reading these posts is that every family circumstances is a bit different due to different personalities, factors, and even locations. And I'm sure there's plenty left unsaid. For example, I didn't want to get bogged down into details but in my case, the sister may live a hour away but also only works part time, three days a week, while I typically work close to 55 hour weeks. It does bother me (and my parents) that she can't arrange her affairs to devote even one of her free days to their care while I often work from their house to give my mother more flexibility and freedom. Our father is declining significantly, mentally, and the future for him is uncertain, we have no idea if this is something that will be the reality for a decade or just a few months. But even when my sister does visit and in our other conversations, she is strangely distant to all of it.

It's true we all make decisions for our lives and actions, some chose to move far away, others to stay closer to home. Part of my stress is that I also chose to pursue a demanding career and I recently made SVP. She chose a different career trajectory that gave her more leisure time. I try not to think in mercenary terms but it's also unavoidable when reading these threads not to think of some kind of algorithm that could be used to "equitably" divide inheritances. In reality and in my family's case I don't expect anything other than a purely even divide of the inheritance nor would it particularly upset me, I do the caretaking out of love and respect for my parents. At the same time there will always be that frustration in not seeing my sister show the same love and respect and it will leave a lingering sense of unfairness that will never quite go away. I won't dwell on it, of course, odds are pretty good once our parents are no longer around, we will fade out of each other's lives beyond the annual Christmas card.

[Anonymous]

My parents moved across the country for retirement in a warm weather area. About ten years later, one sibling moved her family out there also. That sibling had had an unpleasant divorce and she wanted her kids as far away as possible from their dad. My parents did a lot of caretaking for her kids over the years.

My sister ended up doing a lot to take care of our parents because she lived right there. I was on the other side of the country. My parents made the choice to move out there, knowing my job would keep me here and that I had no desire to live in the state they had moved to.

So, yes, my sister did a lot to take care of them, but she also had benefitted from them taking care of her kids in a way they never could for my kids. In the end, they did divide things equally, but I admit I would have been annoyed if they hadn’t under these circumstances. (Also, I am aware that they always reimbursed her for her time and mileage when she was helping them and always gave her a bit extra, so I don’t think there was any resentment on her part.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom is 75. My brother divorced at 38 and moved back in with her. She is widowed. My brother quit his job at 40 with plans to get another job someday. It's been 10 years and mom has been supporting him. He has an excellent degree and would easily have been employable. He just says he hates work and work is stressful. His kids who are now 19 and 20 also lived with my mom since the divorce.

My mom is worth a few million around 3-4. She previously told me the will is 50/50. She has been doing questionable things recently. So, I asked her about the will and she said " I need to protect people in the will. You have had much more success than your brother. He has not been successful and will need more money". We will meet to discuss this further. After many instances of being treated unfairly, I am done. I am punished for working hard throughout my life. If it is not equal, then I don't want any money.

You are a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents moved across the country for retirement in a warm weather area. About ten years later, one sibling moved her family out there also. That sibling had had an unpleasant divorce and she wanted her kids as far away as possible from their dad. My parents did a lot of caretaking for her kids over the years.

My sister ended up doing a lot to take care of our parents because she lived right there. I was on the other side of the country. My parents made the choice to move out there, knowing my job would keep me here and that I had no desire to live in the state they had moved to.

So, yes, my sister did a lot to take care of them, but she also had benefitted from them taking care of her kids in a way they never could for my kids. In the end, they did divide things equally, but I admit I would have been annoyed if they hadn’t under these circumstances. (Also, I am aware that they always reimbursed her for her time and mileage when she was helping them and always gave her a bit extra, so I don’t think there was any resentment on her part.)

Are you divorced? If not, you are fortunate that you didn't go through the brutal process of a divorce with kids, and then feel compelled for the benefit of your kids to move away from your friends, support system, and start anew as a single mom. And if you are married, you have a life partner to share childrearing and all the joys and challenges that presents.

So your sibling moved to be close to family, a support system, while she re-built her life. That's wonderful your parents could help her and provide her kids with love and stability. And I'm sure she was happy to help your parents as they aged, but she's doing that as a single mom, with a job, probably leaving her precious little time for herself. But all I hear from your post is tit-for-tat score keeping, and grumpiness that your sibling got extra help with her kids when she needed it most.

What I don't hear is compassion for how she had to manage all of this, and gratitude that your situation is different. THIS is what rips families apart. Utter lack of empathy and a focus on who got how much.