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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm reading some of the stories and the one thing that stands out is the sibling who ends up being the primary caretaker for the aging parents.

I'm sort of falling into that position and until this was happening I never realized how demanding it can be, mentally and physically. I work full time at a demanding job and still spend a good chunk of my non-working hours attending to my parents' needs. My father needs more attention and part of my caretaking is being there so my mother has freedom to run errands and do other things. But I also do a lot around their house and errands for them and stay on top of their healthcare. And I can see this is only going to get more and more time consuming as they get older. It really is becoming another job on top of my job. My sister lives a hour away but she's never stepped up nor shows any interest in stepping up and based on her character I don't see her ever being anything more than the occasional visitor.

I am not passing judgment but I'm now more understanding of wills that end up leaving the lion's share of the estate to the caretaker sibling. There's a fairness to it. I am not going to expect that with my parents and certainly have not broached the subject but I do know they are aware of the differences in attention from their children. [/quote]

NP.  I get this, and generally share your understanding.  But I'll share a different spin.  My sister has recently begun to assume this type of caretaker role with our mom.  My sister is older than me and married young, so her two children just graduated from college.  She has a great remote job that allows her a lot of flexibility, and lives less than 20 minutes from our mom.  By comparison, I have three young kids (10 and under), live 3 hours away, and my job is not flexible.  So it's not that I don't want to help care more for my mom, but I simply can't get down there every week to help with groceries, doctors appts and such.  I've tried to convince my mom to move back to NoVa but she has no interest.  My sister has a higher paying consulting job and no childcare costs.  So I will admit that the notion of her being given a greater share of the inheritance would be very disappointing.  I appreciate all she is doing and that it is hard work.  But our situations are very different.[/quote]

I'm the previous poster you responded to. The other thing that becomes apparent in reading these posts is that every family circumstances is a bit different due to different personalities, factors, and even locations. And I'm sure there's plenty left unsaid. For example, I didn't want to get bogged down into details but in my case, the sister may live a hour away but also only works part time, three days a week, while I typically work close to 55 hour weeks. It does bother me (and my parents) that she can't arrange her affairs to devote even one of her free days to their care while I often work from their house to give my mother more flexibility and freedom. Our father is declining significantly, mentally, and the future for him is uncertain, we have no idea if this is something that will be the reality for a decade or just a few months. But even when my sister does visit and in our other conversations, she is strangely distant to all of it.

It's true we all make decisions for our lives and actions, some chose to move far away, others to stay closer to home. Part of my stress is that I also chose to pursue a demanding career and I recently made SVP. She chose a different career trajectory that gave her more leisure time. I try not to think in mercenary terms but it's also unavoidable when reading these threads not to think of some kind of algorithm that could be used to "equitably" divide inheritances. In reality and in my family's case I don't expect anything other than a purely even divide of the inheritance nor would it particularly upset me, I do the caretaking out of love and respect for my parents. At the same time there will always be that frustration in not seeing my sister show the same love and respect and it will leave a lingering sense of unfairness that will never quite go away. I won't dwell on it, of course, odds are pretty good once our parents are no longer around, we will fade out of each other's lives beyond the annual Christmas card.  [/quote]

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