Unequal inheritance

[Anonymous]

Like the OP I have a one sibling that has a great education. She even has a great job but she is horrible with money. She won't pay bills until it goes to collection or the utility gets turned off. She received a foreclosure notice on her home 5 years ago when I was visiting. At that point she had no money in her back account but room upon room of clothes. I reached out to my parents and they bailed her out. They got all of her bills paid. Mortgage, utilities, medical bills and 3 credit cards. As a bit of history she went to college at a top 20 school and my parents paid in full. When I went to school we took out student loans and my parent promised the plan was to pay them n full once i graduated. They were short on liquid funds at that time but would have plenty of money once they could retire. Once I graduated I had many conversations with them about the loans and was told they would send me the money soon. I stopped asking after a year and paid the loans off myself. Two years ago my sister totaled her car (at fault accident) so my parents paid for a new one. They were telling me this over the phone. It was just too much for me and I got upset and asked them to stop telling me what money they were giving her. I told them it is their money and they can use it any way they want to but I really don't want it thrown in my face anymore that they keep giving her money and not me. They acted like they had no idea what I was talking about. I had to go back and spell it out that 20 years ago they changed their mind on paying for my college. They argued and said they did. I argued they didn't and it took me 15 years to pay them off. My mom yelled and said she could prove she did because she still has all of the cancelled checks. I got a call the next day...from my dad. My mom had written the check for my loans but made it out and sent it to my sister!!! My dad apologized and promised they would keep things equal going forward. So, my sister is still a screw up but now every time she messes up and asks my parents for help we get a check and put it in our kids 529 plans.
The moral of this was when I spoke up my parents realized that how they were acting was an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages.

"Presumably" is doing a lot of work in this sentence. It would be nice if his emotional and physical labor over time is equal to or greater than the money his mother has spent on him and his kids. I've personally known family members who lived with an aging person and really stepped up. I wouldn't assume that has already happened or will necessarily happen in the future.

[Anonymous]

He is helping to care for her, which it doesn't sound like you've done or would be willing to do. Why shouldn't he get more? Also it's her money, not yours. She probably doesn't want to give you anything because you expect something for nothing. You should be lucky to get anything. but if you don't want something tell her now and stop whining. Don't wait until she dies and hold more grudges against your brother because you're sour. He doesn't control the money get mad at her and cut your ties now and save your mother the worry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely ignoring the fact that her brother has been living with their mother and presumably assisting her way more than OP is, and the burden will only get bigger as she ages. OP should be grateful for that, and recognize that it might come at a price.

Many 75 y.o. widows are in good shape and don't need anyone taking care of them, much less live-in help. The main thing she'd need help with is mowing and home repairs, which she can afford to hire.

She won't be 75 forever, and the brother doesn't appear to be going anywhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understanding rewarding people for being lazy like you’re doing them a favor. People like OP’s brother will blow through that money, and when he’s left with nothing, he won’t even have OP to turn to because mom will have blown up that bridge.

There are times when unequal inheritances can make sense. Disabilities that require money for assistance, for example. But just because kids chose different life paths and one is “more successful”? What if OP has a debilitating car accident and can no longer work? What if OP ends up divorced and scraping by? What if the brother hits the lottery? No one knows what the future will bring. Treat your kids equally if you want them to have any relationship at all.

Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages. That's worth something. He may be professionally "lazy," but why should the mother care about that? What's important is what he's doing for the mother -- and it's HER money. She very well may see the brother as making sacrifices for her that the OP isn't doing, and as time goes on and she ages, trust me -- he will be doing a lot for her on a daily basis, simply because he lives with her, and OP won't be doing those things. In fact, OP will (or should be) happier knowing that her mother isn't alone while OP continues to live her wildly successful life free of the shackles of her mother's care.

The bold is the operative word here. And YOU are the one presuming that. Some of us have watched elderly parents with kids living with them for free and yet doing nothing, leaving the “successful” kids with families and jobs to also pick up the slack. It’s just as much projecting for me to assume that as it is for you to assume brother is managing the house, cooking and cleaning for mom 24/7. If, IF, the brother steps up and provides care and support for mom, then sure, I can see him deserving more. But for now it appears that in exchange for companionship he already gets free room and board for him AND his two children.

Some of us don't presume the worst about our siblings, and some of us aren't greedy children lusting after our parents' money.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get. [/quote]


Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.[/quote]

This. Parents who do this will create rifts that never go away. It's such a bad idea. My spouse and I had to think hard about this as we have a kid with disabilities. We allocated a little more for a few specifics but for the most part, the money is split evenly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s none of your business how she divides things. You should be grateful and appreciative for whatever you get.

Check the research and expert advice on this. It's really, really poor parenting that continues from the grave and leads to life long rifts. Parents can do whatever they want and their adult children are allowed to to be hurt. Your response is rude and shows ignorance to the dynamics. Nobody is owed anything.

This of it this way. You have young siblings playing nicely. They you take out a huge cookie and you give one most of the cookie and the other a small piece. Sure it's nice to get any cookie, but you have taken harmony and created extreme dysfunction.

An adult being greedy and creating issues in a family over money has absolutely nothing to do with the person that's deceased except that they raised a child that's more concerned about money than relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understanding rewarding people for being lazy like you’re doing them a favor. People like OP’s brother will blow through that money, and when he’s left with nothing, he won’t even have OP to turn to because mom will have blown up that bridge.

There are times when unequal inheritances can make sense. Disabilities that require money for assistance, for example. But just because kids chose different life paths and one is “more successful”? What if OP has a debilitating car accident and can no longer work? What if OP ends up divorced and scraping by? What if the brother hits the lottery? No one knows what the future will bring. Treat your kids equally if you want them to have any relationship at all.

Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages. That's worth something. He may be professionally "lazy," but why should the mother care about that? What's important is what he's doing for the mother -- and it's HER money. She very well may see the brother as making sacrifices for her that the OP isn't doing, and as time goes on and she ages, trust me -- he will be doing a lot for her on a daily basis, simply because he lives with her, and OP won't be doing those things. In fact, OP will (or should be) happier knowing that her mother isn't alone while OP continues to live her wildly successful life free of the shackles of her mother's care.

The bold is the operative word here. And YOU are the one presuming that. Some of us have watched elderly parents with kids living with them for free and yet doing nothing, leaving the “successful” kids with families and jobs to also pick up the slack. It’s just as much projecting for me to assume that as it is for you to assume brother is managing the house, cooking and cleaning for mom 24/7. If, IF, the brother steps up and provides care and support for mom, then sure, I can see him deserving more. But for now it appears that in exchange for companionship he already gets free room and board for him AND his two children.

Some of us don't presume the worst about our siblings, and some of us aren't greedy children lusting after our parents' money.

I’m not talking about my siblings, but elderly people I’ve known whose lazy live-in kids do nothing while their other kids are constantly showing up with food and to do home repairs and clean. And the elderly parent is complaining about the child who lives for free and won’t help. Or should we assume they’re lying too so you can sit on your high horse? And I already agreed parents can do whatever they want with their money, but they should know their ruining their kids’ relationships with each other by showing such favoritism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understanding rewarding people for being lazy like you’re doing them a favor. People like OP’s brother will blow through that money, and when he’s left with nothing, he won’t even have OP to turn to because mom will have blown up that bridge.

There are times when unequal inheritances can make sense. Disabilities that require money for assistance, for example. But just because kids chose different life paths and one is “more successful”? What if OP has a debilitating car accident and can no longer work? What if OP ends up divorced and scraping by? What if the brother hits the lottery? No one knows what the future will bring. Treat your kids equally if you want them to have any relationship at all.

Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages. That's worth something. He may be professionally "lazy," but why should the mother care about that? What's important is what he's doing for the mother -- and it's HER money. She very well may see the brother as making sacrifices for her that the OP isn't doing, and as time goes on and she ages, trust me -- he will be doing a lot for her on a daily basis, simply because he lives with her, and OP won't be doing those things. In fact, OP will (or should be) happier knowing that her mother isn't alone while OP continues to live her wildly successful life free of the shackles of her mother's care.

The bold is the operative word here. And YOU are the one presuming that. Some of us have watched elderly parents with kids living with them for free and yet doing nothing, leaving the “successful” kids with families and jobs to also pick up the slack. It’s just as much projecting for me to assume that as it is for you to assume brother is managing the house, cooking and cleaning for mom 24/7. If, IF, the brother steps up and provides care and support for mom, then sure, I can see him deserving more. But for now it appears that in exchange for companionship he already gets free room and board for him AND his two children.

Some of us don't presume the worst about our siblings, and some of us aren't greedy children lusting after our parents' money.

So you do t presume the worst about your siblings, just random strangers on the internet. Got it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely ignoring the fact that her brother has been living with their mother and presumably assisting her way more than OP is, and the burden will only get bigger as she ages. OP should be grateful for that, and recognize that it might come at a price.

My mom pays every bill for him including food. She currently is totally healthy and fit.

[Anonymous]

So he’s been living there *with* his kids? What happened to his ex wife?

[Anonymous]

I have little doubt that the brother has been laying the groundwork for a larger inheritance. This isn't just happening because of OP's mother's observations. the seed is being consistently planted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this and I have not spoken to them for 10 years. I have completely cut them off. It's not the money, it's the inequity.

Mare they dead if they left unequal inheritance?

In the will

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will never understanding rewarding people for being lazy like you’re doing them a favor. People like OP’s brother will blow through that money, and when he’s left with nothing, he won’t even have OP to turn to because mom will have blown up that bridge.

There are times when unequal inheritances can make sense. Disabilities that require money for assistance, for example. But just because kids chose different life paths and one is “more successful”? What if OP has a debilitating car accident and can no longer work? What if OP ends up divorced and scraping by? What if the brother hits the lottery? No one knows what the future will bring. Treat your kids equally if you want them to have any relationship at all.

Again, this poster is ignoring the fact that the brother lives with and presumably takes care of many things for the money and will only do more as she ages. That's worth something. He may be professionally "lazy," but why should the mother care about that? What's important is what he's doing for the mother -- and it's HER money. She very well may see the brother as making sacrifices for her that the OP isn't doing, and as time goes on and she ages, trust me -- he will be doing a lot for her on a daily basis, simply because he lives with her, and OP won't be doing those things. In fact, OP will (or should be) happier knowing that her mother isn't alone while OP continues to live her wildly successful life free of the shackles of her mother's care.

The bold is the operative word here. And YOU are the one presuming that. Some of us have watched elderly parents with kids living with them for free and yet doing nothing, leaving the “successful” kids with families and jobs to also pick up the slack. It’s just as much projecting for me to assume that as it is for you to assume brother is managing the house, cooking and cleaning for mom 24/7. If, IF, the brother steps up and provides care and support for mom, then sure, I can see him deserving more. But for now it appears that in exchange for companionship he already gets free room and board for him AND his two children.

Some of us don't presume the worst about our siblings, and some of us aren't greedy children lusting after our parents' money.

I’m not talking about my siblings, but elderly people I’ve known whose lazy live-in kids do nothing while their other kids are constantly showing up with food and to do home repairs and clean. And the elderly parent is complaining about the child who lives for free and won’t help. Or should we assume they’re lying too so you can sit on your high horse? And I already agreed parents can do whatever they want with their money, but they should know their ruining their kids’ relationships with each other by showing such favoritism.

The siblings who don't live with the parent day-to-day simply aren't in a position to see what actually happens day to day and don't and can't know whether the live-in sibling does "nothing." Typically the other siblings simply feel guilty because they know that they're not doing as much as the live-in sibling, and often they have leftover childhood baggage when it comes to that sibling and their perceptions are distorted by that.

And how many "elderly people" have you really, actually "known whose lazy live-in kids do nothing while their other kids are constantly showing up with food?" You make it sound like an epidemic. What world do you live in? I literally know no "elderly people" living in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is completely ignoring the fact that her brother has been living with their mother and presumably assisting her way more than OP is, and the burden will only get bigger as she ages. OP should be grateful for that, and recognize that it might come at a price.

My mom pays every bill for him including food. She currently is totally healthy and fit.

And how close to them do you live?