Husband making comments about my dad's will
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Anonymous
I am having trouble understanding your assumptions. I really like my new step mother. I have known her for a long time. She was divorced when I was a teenager and brought up her two boys on her own. Both boys are successful professionals now. My mother died mid-year last year. How long people date is varies and not to mention culturally dependent. Some people date for years and decide not to marry, some people date for 3 months and decide to tie the knot. I have seen both kinds of marriage succeed and fail. I made the point in my original post that my mother's family have given their blessings. "Disgusted" is a strong word in any context, but especially in this one. |
Anonymous
NP. You seem articulate and compassionate...but you’re losing me at the above where you say you don’t understand the assumptions. PP is clearly implying your dad was having an affair with this woman while your mom was ill. You know that’s what they’re implying. |
Anonymous
Agree to disagree. Love, OP |
Anonymous
Oh I see it now. The double quote on the last sentence should have been on "knew" not on dad. I was wondering what the double meaning of dad might be. This advise isn't really useful to me, unfortunately. |
Anonymous
But now that I understand it, it does serve the purpose of being amusing. |
Anonymous
That maybe, but that would be my dad's choice. I am just not sure I agree with treating grown men like they are kids, and that we need to make sure they do this or that. Early on I did raise with my dad the possibility of him rushing into things and not thinking things through. He told me he had in fact thought things through and that being with someone who was close to the family already will mean that my mother's memory remains alive. I happen to agree, but even if I didn't at some point you have to respect other people's choice in doing what makes them happy. Disagree but commit. |
Anonymous
Sage words. I've seen this play out in my 50+ years as well. Same. This has happened to 3 of my friends in the last 2 years. Dad's new wife inherited everything, and a couple wouldn't even let the kids have some sentimental family items. |
Anonymous
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I guess your husband asked because you did not.
Older parents and finances are something to be considered. If your husband has not been trying to get your father’s money all this time why would you not understand that this was a question out of concern and Not greed. |
Anonymous
| One thing that may matter is whether some of the money your dad now has comes from your mom's earnings or her family's money. If so, who would she want inheriting that money when your dad dies and is that how the will is set up? |
Anonymous
After my mother’s death, her assets went to my father. My father’s will currently divides his assets 50/50 between the two children. If he wants to make a change to that, it’s up to him. I will wait for him to tell me so and respect his decision on what to do with his and my mother’s money. Again, I’m just not sure I have a right to my mother’s money or his money especially because my mother willed it to him. |
Anonymous
I didn’t ask because I didn’t see it as my place to ask. For reference, my husbands parents are in their late 70s and have still not created a will. They mentioned that to me once and asked my advice - I did tell them that if they don’t create a will it leads to a lot of complications downstream. That’s is. I’ve never brought up the will again and never will. I’ve already given them my best advise. |
Anonymous
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OP here.
I posted here because I literally have no one else to talk to about this. I know for a fact that if I tell anyone in my family they will think less of my husband. No matter how I tell the story, showing concern about your family’s share in a living person’s will just isn’t a good look in my family. I can’t tell my dad - he has been through enough. I feel like I have eaten all my feelings and now they are eating me. Hence the attempt to unload. Thank you to everyone who offered compassion and balanced advise. Some of the posts were truly though provoking, even if I didn’t agree with them. I have decided that asking my dad about his will goes against who I am - but I also understand from folks who have posted here that those are not everyone’s values. People have different perspectives on life - that’s how life works. I feel more accepting of my husband and how he might evaluate the situation. We are not the same person, and that’s ok. |
Anonymous
You are either a troll or just someone verrryyyyy condescending. Seriously, people on here post all the time about talking to elderly parents about their finances. It is sometimes uncomfortable and awkward but a necessary part of life. Dying without a will can lead to all kinds of unnecessary complications. It’s a part of caring for your parent to make it clear what their end of life financial AND medical wishes are. Unless someone has a history of trying to grab your daddy’s assets why would you assume the worst about your husband? Why would you assume that other people have ‘ different’ values because they know it is imperative to handle this aspect of life? Or that it is dictating what a grown man like your dad is supposed to do? All you had to say to your husband was’ nope, did not discuss and I don’t feel comfortable doing so’, but I get why you asked’ But no, you make it about him being wrong and your are a much better person. Seriously, get over yourself. |
Anonymous
I said people have different perspectives on life not that one perspective is better. I also didn’t say one set of values is better - some people may value being practical more others may value emotional aspects. A number of posts here pointed that out. I didn’t understand why it’s condescending to say what I said but agree to disagree. Again, thanks to posters who helped. |
Anonymous
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I think your DH could have been more tactful about it but I don't interpret his comments as coming only from a place of greed but rather of practicality. Everyone on this thread who has been through a similar situation is telling you that there could be major complications down the line if you don't know what your parents wishes are and what they have planned in the event of their death. It's not just about the inheritance (though I can tell you my mother would roll over in her grave if she knew her money was going to my dad's new wife after he died).
For example, do you know who is designated to make health decisions in the event he is unable? If it's you, do you know his wishes? Does he have money set aside for healthcare, funeral expenses, etc? Is there a burial plot? All of these things are important and could save you a lot of heartache later when you are having to duke it out with the new wife. Let me give you a personal experience. When my grandfather died, my dad was at the funeral home with my step-grandmother (they were married 8 years) and when the funeral director asked how the bill would be paid, she said, without ever mentioning it to my dad, that they would be splitting it 50/50. My dad was very taken aback but in the throes of grief, went along with it and paid half. Come to find out years later, my grandfather took out a life insurance policy to pay for those expenses and SHE was the beneficiary. The money that was used to pay my dad's half of those expenses was also my mother's money. So unless you and your husband have separate finances, this IS his business too. |