Told the wife she has no right to demand an answer...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...

Did you apologize?

OP here. I did not. I did say I was sorry I hurt her, but I did not apologize for the content of my words. I am very much struggling with myself regarding my own feelings on that. I feel that once I've been "left to take care of my own needs", and she's shown no desire to be a part of that (and I would not want to force it upon her if it's against her will)... then this is one aspect of our life that we no longer do as a couple. So... while I can't demand anything of her - it goes both ways... at least that's how I sometimes feel. It's not exactly how I would have wished our relationship to be.

So you acknowledge your behavior was shitty but defend it as not really wrong because she made you do it. Dude, you're a jackass, no wonder she won't sleep with you.

Oh FFS - OP sounds pretty thoughtful and self-aware to me. He’s struggling, and acknowledges that, and recognizes that he spoke in hurt and anger. There are some PPa who are projecting all kinds of s**t on the OP, to the extent that it’s clear it’s not about this OP at all. They should start their own thread, and get off this one.

COULD NOT AGREE MORE. I'm curious about what these women's marraiaes are like.

I think that's pretty obvious.

Those poor men. This entire thread wants me to go hug my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I actually never said I was out of the house as much as possible... I said I took effort to do so more often. I've been at home most hours of the day and night for several years, and wanted to get more time doing things for myself that were not related to work or family. That being said, it's still about 2 hours a day on most days... so not really "out of the house as much as possible".

You know what most parents are doing after kids go to bed.

Throwing in wash
Folding wash
cleaning up from dinner
paying a bill
RSVPing to birthday parties
registering for fall sports
updating the calendar with August dates (back to school, meet the teacher, etc)
Cleaning a bathroom
sorting through the mail
preparing lunches for tomorrow


Only 2 hours a day? Could you imagine just shirking all your responsibilities for 'only" 2 hours a day.. walk outside, go for a run, then come home and contribute.

OP here. You've got it backwards. It's 2 hours a day out of the house... and the rest (not limited to... but definitely including) folding, washing, paying, playing, updating... plus actually being there for the kids and not just making it look like a long "to do" list of chores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi OP, isn't it awkward in your house to not have sex? I just don't get it. How do a married couple live in the same close quarters with each other without having sex?

It may be awkward, but it's not hard to imagine why you might now want to sleep with someone who's told you he may be putting his penis in someone else.

But he hasn't and will not, so grow up. She does not want to have sex with your husband. When you without intimacy, you should expect a response to your juvenile demand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Also... I think the shrink thing freaked you out for some reason. A lot of people go to therapy. So do I. No fault in that. All my comment on it was meant to imply was that some of the reasons I went had to do with our relationship being in crisis, while others did not. I still don't understand why you found issue with that.

I have no issue with anybody seeking help for their issues.

I do have issue with people blaming their issues on others.

When you specify that some of your issues are "not related" it means that normally you blame your issues on others.

Dude, ALL of your issues are "not related", when you are in therapy you are working on YOUR issue, they are maybe related to your anger issues, or you inability to communicate, or your need to leave your kids with your wife and "get me time" (avoidance).... but my issue is that you don't understand that your issue are YOUR issues.

OP here... in context... I wrote the issues are not related to my wife, or our relationship problems. NOT THAT THEY ARE NOT RELATED TO ME. You have it backwards. Or I've not been clear. Anyway, your attempt in attach a psychological diagnosis to my actions is heart warming. You must be an amazing psychologist to be able to do that on an online forum like this one.

No you have it backwards. All your issues are related to YOU. You relationship issues are RELATED to YOU. Leave this relationship and you will have all the same issues, because your issues don't go away, they follow you. These are issues YOU created, you need to fix you, not your relationship.

Nobody has to be a psychologist to know you have to fix you, not your wife or your relationship.

OP here. Why bother... continue on your own...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it, you wanted to punish her, and maybe she deserves it, but in the end you have to think about if your actions are contributing to the dysfunctions in your relationship or changing things, and by saying what you did, you heightened her insecurities, hurt her feelings, etc. it didn’t help.

OP here. True. It wasn't a script I had written in advance...

Did you apologize?

OP here. I did not. I did say I was sorry I hurt her, but I did not apologize for the content of my words. I am very much struggling with myself regarding my own feelings on that. I feel that once I've been "left to take care of my own needs", and she's shown no desire to be a part of that (and I would not want to force it upon her if it's against her will)... then this is one aspect of our life that we no longer do as a couple. So... while I can't demand anything of her - it goes both ways... at least that's how I sometimes feel. It's not exactly how I would have wished our relationship to be.

So you acknowledge your behavior was shitty but defend it as not really wrong because she made you do it. Dude, you're a jackass, no wonder she won't sleep with you.

Oh FFS - OP sounds pretty thoughtful and self-aware to me. He’s struggling, and acknowledges that, and recognizes that he spoke in hurt and anger. There are some PPa who are projecting all kinds of s**t on the OP, to the extent that it’s clear it’s not about this OP at all. They should start their own thread, and get off this one.

COULD NOT AGREE MORE. I'm curious about what these women's marraiaes are like.

I think that's pretty obvious.

Those poor men. This entire thread wants me to go hug my husband.

I have a friend who was like this to her ex-husband. He had found someone else and moved on. She cannot get past it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I actually never said I was out of the house as much as possible... I said I took effort to do so more often. I've been at home most hours of the day and night for several years, and wanted to get more time doing things for myself that were not related to work or family. That being said, it's still about 2 hours a day on most days... so not really "out of the house as much as possible".

You know what most parents are doing after kids go to bed.

Throwing in wash
Folding wash
cleaning up from dinner
paying a bill
RSVPing to birthday parties
registering for fall sports
updating the calendar with August dates (back to school, meet the teacher, etc)
Cleaning a bathroom
sorting through the mail
preparing lunches for tomorrow


Only 2 hours a day? Could you imagine just shirking all your responsibilities for 'only" 2 hours a day.. walk outside, go for a run, then come home and contribute.

I'm pretty sure that based on OP's earlier responses, he does most if not all of this stuff.

If OP is going all of that stuff during his "workday" every day as well as all of the childcare when the kids aren't at school, maybe we should acknowledge he's really a SAHP with a little side job and hold him to the same standard we hold SAHMs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. I actually never said I was out of the house as much as possible... I said I took effort to do so more often. I've been at home most hours of the day and night for several years, and wanted to get more time doing things for myself that were not related to work or family. That being said, it's still about 2 hours a day on most days... so not really "out of the house as much as possible".

You know what most parents are doing after kids go to bed.

Throwing in wash
Folding wash
cleaning up from dinner
paying a bill
RSVPing to birthday parties
registering for fall sports
updating the calendar with August dates (back to school, meet the teacher, etc)
Cleaning a bathroom
sorting through the mail
preparing lunches for tomorrow


Only 2 hours a day? Could you imagine just shirking all your responsibilities for 'only" 2 hours a day.. walk outside, go for a run, then come home and contribute.

OP here. You've got it backwards. It's 2 hours a day out of the house... and the rest (not limited to... but definitely including) folding, washing, paying, playing, updating... plus actually being there for the kids and not just making it look like a long "to do" list of chores.

So you have the supply list for school and do all the shopping for that and clothes shopping for back to school and you cook dinner.

I don't believe you.

You started out saying you are spending as little time at home when "the wife" is there, realize you are not home to be a partner and then back peddling.

Continue with therapy, own your issues and how you created a bad situation, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Wasn't insinuating a thing, and am smart enough to have safe sex if I were.

There's safer sex but no safe sex with strangers fyi.

Either divorce or work it out. Don't bring stranger danger into your life OP.

[Anonymous]

The crazy is strong on this thread.

[Anonymous]

So, OP, what are your unrelated issues?

Becaue yes, they do matter. Addiction?

Mine was previous abuse. And it most certainly had an effect on my partner and our current relationship. But yeah, it was “unrelated.

[Anonymous]

You are cheating on her and sound like a jerk. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The crazy is strong on this thread.

It really is. You women are BATSHIT.
- a happily married woman

[Anonymous]

Woman here. I see why so many men do not want to get married after they divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are cheating on her and sound like a jerk. Good luck.

You sound like an idiot.

- not OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The crazy is strong on this thread.

It really is. You women are BATSHIT.
- a happily married woman

Agreed