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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here - [b]So, what's the verdict on maintenance sex? 
[/b]
My preference is to take the time to get her off. But, she'll sometimes offer a quickie. On the one hand, I'm not all that excited about sex she's not excited about. I don't want to reinforce any negativity she might have about sex.

On the other hand, creating a lot of expectation and pressure around her having an orgasm can be counterproductive. And, turning down quickies adds to the pattern of us getting out of the habit of having sex.

Anyway, she suggested one last night. I went with it. I thought it was pleasant, but it wasn't earth shaking for either of us. When I was done, I offered to keep going to get her there, but she said she didn't think it was in the cards.

So, are these more likely to reinforce negative feelings about sex for her or are these potentially building blocks to get our frequency up and hopefully lead to better quality as we get back in the habit of having sex?[/quote]

hmm. My opinion of maintenance sex is that it's just sex when one person is not necessarily in the mood but the other person is. But I think both people should be having orgasms. It doesn't mean that it has to be a quickie.

Look this is probably TMI but a lot of times, oral is the only thing that gets me off and I think that is true of a lot of women. I have no idea about how he really feels about it but my husband acts as if he really enjoys giving me oral and thinks it's sexy. That helps me relax enough to be able to have an O. If your wife can't relax and let go, it's not going to happen. Are you giving her the impression that oral is a chore for you or that it's somewhat distasteful/something you'd rather not do? Be really honest with yourself (you don't have to tell us obviously). You're not going to fix your sex problems if anything like that ^ is going on.[/quote]

Hah -- I'm absolutely not giving the impression I dislike oral. I very much enjoy giving it and have never been shy about saying so. Getting her off is one of my favorite things about sex. [/quote]

Well this is kind of weird then. Look at from your POV. Would you turn down your wife offering to give you a blow job? There might be something more going on with your wife, if she’s regularly turning down oral.[/quote]

Not so weird. Different people have different preferences. I know people who'd never turn down a meal. But, for me, eating can often feel like a hassle. Given a choice between a long complicated meal (even if it's delicious) and a quick sandwich, some nights I'm just going to pick the sandwich because it gets the job done a whole lot more efficiently. [/quote]

This analogy would make sense if he just randomly offered to go down on her (weird) but we're talking about people already having sex here. He comes and she does not. He offers but she says no even though she usually likes it and he likes doing it? (that's what I got from his posts). Yeah I think that is kind of weird and might be worth looking into if the OP is trying to improve their sex lives.[/quote]

Getting oral is not like getting a BJ. This is the problem when everyone is just focused on the end result. I have turned down oral because it is more emotionally taxing than regular sex. I have to be feeling it to feel comfortable enough with it for it to work. I do not think guys EVER have to be feeling it for a decent BJ to get them there nor do they have to get over a mental hurdle about feeling comfortable with a girl doing it for them. Some women have to do that for oral. [/quote]

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