In laws lifestyle 'hobby' vis a vis our children

[Anonymous]

OP, here's the thing. If you did it the way you described -- at a falling-down barn, fixing your own bridles, leasing out your ponies -- you did it even more than they possibly could. I've been around horsey people my entire life, and the ones who breed/groom their own horses, hold for the blacksmith, muck the stalls, scrape money together to enter shows, stay up with a sick horse, etc. etc., they are the real horsey folk. I'm disturbed by your comment that you find your family's efforts to enable you to ride growing up "embarrassing."

Anyway, just saying I would reframe it in my mind as you are the real horsewoman and they're the fakers. (They probably already know that.) Take your kids to the barn yourself. If the inlaws invite your kids, just say, "They don't really know what they're doing yet, so I'd rather come along since I grew up riding." If they balk, tell them they can come out for a hack at the falling-down fire hazard barn down the road.

Thanks

The thing is, our ponies died, our property is gone, the barn no longer exists. So essentially its with them, on their terms, which seems to exclude me, or doing it at a equestrian center + club, which is something else I don't really love the idea of. Essentially I am ready to let it be something I enjoyed in my youth, but not a key thing in our family life moving forward. For the record, I am NOT embarrassed by my background or how we did things. I let them embarass me, though, more than once, and that is why I used the term.

When someone asked how they could mock me when I had never even participated, they invited me once, and when we went to saddle up - OOPS! they were one pony short!!! How did that happen??!!! off they went. Including someone WHO HAD NEVER ridden before.

And yes, there was a snicker or two. It was so painfully pathetically mean spirited.

I got to hang out in an empty barn on a wet cold day nowhere near anything and just sit on the floor. Evenutally after an hour or so, I got up and just walked a couple miles til I hit a road, and then found a gas station and a payphone, went to a restaurant to have a cup of soup, and finally got the courage to call my husband and ask him to come pick me up. We left their farm that day before they came back.


Holy shit. I would not speak to these people again if this happened to me. Teach your kids about horses on their own terms. Their grandparents are truly horrible people.

Ugh, yeah, they sound gross, socially inept, cruel. I totally agree with immediate PP. You have a good excuse for not letting kids go off with them alone -- the kids don't know how to ride and if they get on a horse, you MUST be there with them, to lead them on foot or on horseback to pony them. Good luck OP with the snobby fakers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is definitely hurt. Even though she claimed in another post she doesn't care that much.

I would let my kids do the activity with their grandparents- unless it is truly dangerous and then let them know a parent needs to come along. I agree with others that they may be uncomfortable inviting you without DH,since he isn't interested, no invite for you.

Sure, fine. That is true. To me, they've taken something I've loved, told me I didn't really "do" it, and are now using it to exclude me, when it would be one of the **very few things***, other than sitting down to a meal, that all of us could do together. Do you see? But I've realized that I am completely naive, they would never want to do it out of a shared love, but more to teach a social status and techniques from back in the day, that are no longer relevant. Secret handshakes if you will.

Could I get over it, yes. But their whole approach is soooo off-putting. Its like walking into a business meeting and the other person says, "Who the hell are you?!" and proceeds only to talk about themselves and never even get to the goals of the meeting.

At one time, I thought there would be some connection over a shared love of the activity EVEN IF the way I participated wasn't fancy enough for them...Its not like its soccer! I am struck by the fact they've taken something we could have had in common, and something that could have been a meaningful bridge and shared activity with children, and made it into this.

So it turns me off so much that we simply will not be part of this. It would be a stretch for us financially, and our feeling is the money is best spent elsewhere. I don't see my children as deriving ANY benefit from this activity, other than a chance to spend time with their grandparents. There are plenty of other activities they can do together, and I can't think of one other one that I wouldn't be fully supportive of.

OP, here's the thing. If you did it the way you described -- at a falling-down barn, fixing your own bridles, leasing out your ponies -- you did it even more than they possibly could. I've been around horsey people my entire life, and the ones who breed/groom their own horses, hold for the blacksmith, muck the stalls, scrape money together to enter shows, stay up with a sick horse, etc. etc., they are the real horsey folk. I'm disturbed by your comment that you find your family's efforts to enable you to ride growing up "embarrassing."

Anyway, just saying I would reframe it in my mind as you are the real horsewoman and they're the fakers. (They probably already know that.) Take your kids to the barn yourself. If the inlaws invite your kids, just say, "They don't really know what they're doing yet, so I'd rather come along since I grew up riding." If they balk, tell them they can come out for a hack at the falling-down fire hazard barn down the road.

Thanks

The thing is, our ponies died, our property is gone, the barn no longer exists. So essentially its with them, on their terms, which seems to exclude me, or doing it at a equestrian center + club, which is something else I don't really love the idea of. Essentially I am ready to let it be something I enjoyed in my youth, but not a key thing in our family life moving forward. For the record, I am NOT embarrassed by my background or how we did things. I let them embarass me, though, more than once, and that is why I used the term.

When someone asked how they could mock me when I had never even participated, they invited me once, and when we went to saddle up - OOPS! they were one pony short!!! How did that happen??!!! off they went. Including someone WHO HAD NEVER ridden before.

And yes, there was a snicker or two. It was so painfully pathetically mean spirited.

I got to hang out in an empty barn on a wet cold day nowhere near anything and just sit on the floor. Evenutally after an hour or so, I got up and just walked a couple miles til I hit a road, and then found a gas station and a payphone, went to a restaurant to have a cup of soup, and finally got the courage to call my husband and ask him to come pick me up. We left their farm that day before they came back.

Holy shit. I would not speak to these people again if this happened to me. Teach your kids about horses on their own terms. Their grandparents are truly horrible people.

Oops messed up. Reposting my response. Ugh, yeah, they sound gross, socially inept, cruel. I totally agree with immediate PP. You have a good excuse for not letting kids go off with them alone -- the kids don't know how to ride and if they get on a horse, you MUST be there with them, to lead them on foot or on horseback to pony them. Good luck OP with the snobby fakers.

[Anonymous]

Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

Haha. Op here. I don't blame you for saying I sound nuts. You don't know this group, which is why it wasn't worth mentioning. For those who are acquainted, it simply makes more sense.

And I said there were multiple issues within this question....

We spend quite a bit of time with them and this is really the only sore spot. Makes sense to remove it from our relationship. It is entirely within my control to do so, esp since my husband despises all of it.

I don't argue that the thread meandered or is subjective stuff. Thanks for those who understood and made thoughtful responses.

There's not really anything else I can say to those who want to challenge random bits. Go ahead, waste your time!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

There are some falsehoods being told here. Story is going off the rails.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is definitely hurt. Even though she claimed in another post she doesn't care that much.

I would let my kids do the activity with their grandparents- unless it is truly dangerous and then let them know a parent needs to come along. I agree with others that they may be uncomfortable inviting you without DH,since he isn't interested, no invite for you.

Sure, fine. That is true. To me, they've taken something I've loved, told me I didn't really "do" it, and are now using it to exclude me, when it would be one of the **very few things***, other than sitting down to a meal, that all of us could do together. Do you see? But I've realized that I am completely naive, they would never want to do it out of a shared love, but more to teach a social status and techniques from back in the day, that are no longer relevant. Secret handshakes if you will.

Could I get over it, yes. But their whole approach is soooo off-putting. Its like walking into a business meeting and the other person says, "Who the hell are you?!" and proceeds only to talk about themselves and never even get to the goals of the meeting.

At one time, I thought there would be some connection over a shared love of the activity EVEN IF the way I participated wasn't fancy enough for them...Its not like its soccer! I am struck by the fact they've taken something we could have had in common, and something that could have been a meaningful bridge and shared activity with children, and made it into this.

So it turns me off so much that we simply will not be part of this. It would be a stretch for us financially, and our feeling is the money is best spent elsewhere. I don't see my children as deriving ANY benefit from this activity, other than a chance to spend time with their grandparents. There are plenty of other activities they can do together, and I can't think of one other one that I wouldn't be fully supportive of.

OP, here's the thing. If you did it the way you described -- at a falling-down barn, fixing your own bridles, leasing out your ponies -- you did it even more than they possibly could. I've been around horsey people my entire life, and the ones who breed/groom their own horses, hold for the blacksmith, muck the stalls, scrape money together to enter shows, stay up with a sick horse, etc. etc., they are the real horsey folk. I'm disturbed by your comment that you find your family's efforts to enable you to ride growing up "embarrassing."

Anyway, just saying I would reframe it in my mind as you are the real horsewoman and they're the fakers. (They probably already know that.) Take your kids to the barn yourself. If the inlaws invite your kids, just say, "They don't really know what they're doing yet, so I'd rather come along since I grew up riding." If they balk, tell them they can come out for a hack at the falling-down fire hazard barn down the road.

Thanks

The thing is, our ponies died, our property is gone, the barn no longer exists. So essentially its with them, on their terms, which seems to exclude me, or doing it at a equestrian center + club, which is something else I don't really love the idea of. Essentially I am ready to let it be something I enjoyed in my youth, but not a key thing in our family life moving forward. For the record, I am NOT embarrassed by my background or how we did things. I let them embarass me, though, more than once, and that is why I used the term.

When someone asked how they could mock me when I had never even participated, they invited me once, and when we went to saddle up - OOPS! they were one pony short!!! How did that happen??!!! off they went. Including someone WHO HAD NEVER ridden before.

And yes, there was a snicker or two. It was so painfully pathetically mean spirited.

I got to hang out in an empty barn on a wet cold day nowhere near anything and just sit on the floor. Evenutally after an hour or so, I got up and just walked a couple miles til I hit a road, and then found a gas station and a payphone, went to a restaurant to have a cup of soup, and finally got the courage to call my husband and ask him to come pick me up. We left their farm that day before they came back.

I don't understand this story at all. I would have called my husband ASAP and told him what happened. And that would have been that. Not walked miles, had a cup of soup and worked up the courage to call my spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

There are some falsehoods being told here. Story is going off the rails.

Well, if she is making this whole thing up I salute her for keeping me intrigued for a couple of days. (Although I did notice that having to hike to a pay phone in the "they left me in the stables" story seems a little weird if this has been going on for only about 10 years--didn't everyone have a cell phone by 2005?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

There are some falsehoods being told here. Story is going off the rails.

Well, if she is making this whole thing up I salute her for keeping me intrigued for a couple of days. (Although I did notice that having to hike to a pay phone in the "they left me in the stables" story seems a little weird if this has been going on for only about 10 years--didn't everyone have a cell phone by 2005?)

didn't she say 14 years at one point? so this could have been even earlier. Were the in-laws even there for this diss? but yeah, how you don't call your spouse for a rescue right away, I don't get.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

There are some falsehoods being told here. Story is going off the rails.

Well, if she is making this whole thing up I salute her for keeping me intrigued for a couple of days. (Although I did notice that having to hike to a pay phone in the "they left me in the stables" story seems a little weird if this has been going on for only about 10 years--didn't everyone have a cell phone by 2005?)

didn't she say 14 years at one point? so this could have been even earlier. Were the in-laws even there for this diss? but yeah, how you don't call your spouse for a rescue right away, I don't get.

Barns have phones. True fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

There are some falsehoods being told here. Story is going off the rails.

Well, if she is making this whole thing up I salute her for keeping me intrigued for a couple of days. (Although I did notice that having to hike to a pay phone in the "they left me in the stables" story seems a little weird if this has been going on for only about 10 years--didn't everyone have a cell phone by 2005?)

didn't she say 14 years at one point? so this could have been even earlier. Were the in-laws even there for this diss? but yeah, how you don't call your spouse for a rescue right away, I don't get.

Barns have phones. True fact.

Omg, it was raining people!! I did not take my phone, I did take a small keyhole wallet with one card and $15, thank god.. Someone else had dropped us off there and drove away. Yes, stupid of me to not take a phone. But WTF it was a bad call on my part, and if I had made any kind of fuss about it, they would have been sooooooo quick to point out that it really was my fault.

This barn CLEARLY did not have a phone or I would have used it!!!

[Anonymous]

You had someone drop you off at a barn far from anywhere? No car?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

There are some falsehoods being told here. Story is going off the rails.

Well, if she is making this whole thing up I salute her for keeping me intrigued for a couple of days. (Although I did notice that having to hike to a pay phone in the "they left me in the stables" story seems a little weird if this has been going on for only about 10 years--didn't everyone have a cell phone by 2005?)

This story happened either right before or right after we had gotten married. I avoided this whole issue from then on. It's only cropped up again bc of the kids ages.

I had to get up the courage to call my husband bc I couldn't believe what had happened and was trying not to get angry at him. The parents weren't there, but a sibling of my husbands was. Relationship has never recovered. I despise them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You had someone drop you off at a barn far from anywhere? No car?

Omg. It was near a house that was locked and empty. Does that make you feel better?. I can't talk about this anymore. If I say more it just gets too specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

There are some falsehoods being told here. Story is going off the rails.

Well, if she is making this whole thing up I salute her for keeping me intrigued for a couple of days. (Although I did notice that having to hike to a pay phone in the "they left me in the stables" story seems a little weird if this has been going on for only about 10 years--didn't everyone have a cell phone by 2005?)

This story happened either right before or right after we had gotten married. I avoided this whole issue from then on. It's only cropped up again bc of the kids ages.

I had to get up the courage to call my husband bc I couldn't believe what had happened and was trying not to get angry at him. The parents weren't there, but a sibling of my husbands was. Relationship has never recovered. I despise them.

You despise them? I thought everything was ok other than this one issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Meh. She started the thread with a vague complaint about being excluded and then when it was clear nobody sympathized with her she came up with a very sympathetic story that is completely at odds with her "generally gets along" narrative and has nothing to do with her original reasons for not wanting the kids to participate.

It's an attempt at rehabilitation-- not real.

If I were OP's in laws I wouldn't want to spend time with her either. She sounds nuts.

There are some falsehoods being told here. Story is going off the rails.

Well, if she is making this whole thing up I salute her for keeping me intrigued for a couple of days. (Although I did notice that having to hike to a pay phone in the "they left me in the stables" story seems a little weird if this has been going on for only about 10 years--didn't everyone have a cell phone by 2005?)

This story happened either right before or right after we had gotten married. I avoided this whole issue from then on. It's only cropped up again bc of the kids ages.

I had to get up the courage to call my husband bc I couldn't believe what had happened and was trying not to get angry at him. The parents weren't there, but a sibling of my husbands was. Relationship has never recovered. I despise them.

You despise them? I thought everything was ok other than this one issue?

The sibling that was there. Yes, I do. Luckily they do not live anywhere near here, and don't come back at holidays, so the distance makes it easy. I never mentioned it to his parents.