I wish I had never become a parent

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could rewind the clock to 27, stay on course to get my MBA, live on my own, chart my own course. I love my husband and son but my kid is exhausting and his issues make me vacillate between feeling like a fucking failure, furious anger, and complete despair. Sometimes I think if I had stuck to my guns in my 20's - when I proclaimed that I NEVER wanted to get married or have children - that it would have been better and I would be much happier today. I could focus on my career without guilt. I could spend my free time and my money traveling and being with friends instead of going to and paying for therapy appointments. I wouldn't be too exhausted to have sex and could feel like a woman instead of a cash cow/maid/harried victim of my child's issues/constant needs.

OP you've expressed how many of us feel or have felt from time to time. But you need to get past this for your own good if nothing else.

What I am about to say is so true, although very cliche. It's ALL about your attitude! [b] Yes, life fucking sucks sometimes! and boy, when it rains it pours - doesn't it? You'll have a good couple of weeks, then all the sudden all the shit hits the fan at the same time. That said, you need to change your attitude an perspective, and yes maybe even make some wholesale changes to your life in general.

A lot of us spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror...I hate to tell you but if you had it all to do again you would most likely repeat the same decisions you made in your 20s.

Have you ever thought about your life at a much higher level? When things get rough for us, I try to focus on my belief that our son was sent to us because we were the best parents for him. No I am not going to get all God on you, its just what I believe. I also look at all the good things - how much DS has improved over the years, that we are all healthy, that DH and I both have good jobs or jobs at all to be frank, that we have a loving circle of friends and family. The rest is all noise OP.

No one's life is perfect - NO ONE!! hear me when I say that and believe it! some have it worse than others, and it definitely makes it rounds. Think about the poor Savvapolous family, or those innocent people in Charleston, or that child that was left in a hot car in Baltimore over the weekend. that will put everything into perspective pretty damn quick for you, and if it doesn't then you need counseling.

One last point, all of us - even parents of neuro-typical kids - have had to give up or delay certain dreams, desires and plans because of our children.....its called adulthood! So what your friends get to travel more than you do! is that how you measure happiness? and so what if your house is a mess, no one cares but you.

Now stop wallowing and get on with your life. and get your DH in line too. sounds like he needs to pick up the slack but he hasn't had to up to this point because he knows he can get away with it.

I just made a wholesale change in my life two years ago, after the first year of this kind of behavior in DH. We moved hundreds of miles to get away from DC and be closer to family. That has not helped. Now our son talks all the time about missing DC and I've had therapists suggest that the move was a "trauma." So I can't win for trying. If I were to "embrace the life I need" we would have to do it all over again. We don't make a ton of money. Without DH's contribution we would have to sell our house. So then that would be yet ANOTHER change and I'd probably get slammed for that too, how I'm not giving him routine and predictably and stability and all of that. This is what gets me - somehow, no matter what we do, it's always our fault as the parents. There's always somebody there to second guess you. Or tell you what you SHOULD have done, or what they would do.

Plus, for the 87th time, you are wrong about my DH. The answer to every woman's problems is NOT that her husband is a useless piece of shit slacker who doesn't care.

Hey OP - chill out! This is the PP that posted the above message to you. I was trying to be helpful....and the only reason I even threw your DH under the bus was because you gave me the impression based on the way you described your home life - that he does not help or participate much in all the things related to your DS and your home! Okay, I get it - he is a terrific guy. done. close that chapter.

So you are the main breadwinner, sounds like DH needs to quit his job and be a SAHD. He can cook, clean, and make all the appointments for your DS. Then drive your DS to all those appointments and deal with talking to doctors - you know,all the things that all of us on this forum also have to do.

I get it, your life it tough but jeez already! stop wallowing in your own pity party. Your this kid's parent! No one promised you a perfect life, so its your fault that you set your expectations so high and that you feel like you do and not your child's fault. One day you are going to look back on this whole conversation and will not be able to comprehend or believe that you ever felt this way or said the things you've said here today.

You need therapy of your own and a reality check. Your only other option is to give your DS up....I am sure that there are many people who would happily adopt your child and happily raise him and selflessly put their own needs aside for that period of time when he needs their full and undivided love and attention.

I am sure you will come back here kicking and screaming and yelling about how you've already tried everything or done everything and that there is just no hope....that your life is shitty and it will always be shitty. (because secretly, you get off to the drama)!

[Anonymous]

Now we're all piling on and it won't do anything to help op. We're repeating the same things over and over again in righteous indignation. If you're pissed at op, move on. Pretty much everything has been thrown at her and she has posted that she has a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could rewind the clock to 27, stay on course to get my MBA, live on my own, chart my own course. I love my husband and son but my kid is exhausting and his issues make me vacillate between feeling like a fucking failure, furious anger, and complete despair. Sometimes I think if I had stuck to my guns in my 20's - when I proclaimed that I NEVER wanted to get married or have children - that it would have been better and I would be much happier today. I could focus on my career without guilt. I could spend my free time and my money traveling and being with friends instead of going to and paying for therapy appointments. I wouldn't be too exhausted to have sex and could feel like a woman instead of a cash cow/maid/harried victim of my child's issues/constant needs.

OP you've expressed how many of us feel or have felt from time to time. But you need to get past this for your own good if nothing else.

What I am about to say is so true, although very cliche. It's ALL about your attitude! Yes, life fucking sucks sometimes! and boy, when it rains it pours - doesn't it? You'll have a good couple of weeks, then all the sudden all the shit hits the fan at the same time. That said, you need to change your attitude an perspective, and yes maybe even make some wholesale changes to your life in general.

A lot of us spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror...I hate to tell you but if you had it all to do again you would most likely repeat the same decisions you made in your 20s.

Have you ever thought about your life at a much higher level? When things get rough for us, I try to focus on my belief that our son was sent to us because we were the best parents for him. No I am not going to get all God on you, its just what I believe. I also look at all the good things - how much DS has improved over the years, that we are all healthy, that DH and I both have good jobs or jobs at all to be frank, that we have a loving circle of friends and family. The rest is all noise OP.

No one's life is perfect - NO ONE!! hear me when I say that and believe it! some have it worse than others, and it definitely makes it rounds. Think about the poor Savvapolous family, or those innocent people in Charleston, or that child that was left in a hot car in Baltimore over the weekend. that will put everything into perspective pretty damn quick for you, and if it doesn't then you need counseling.

One last point, all of us - even parents of neuro-typical kids - have had to give up or delay certain dreams, desires and plans because of our children.....its called adulthood! So what your friends get to travel more than you do! is that how you measure happiness? and so what if your house is a mess, no one cares but you.

Now stop wallowing and get on with your life. and get your DH in line too. sounds like he needs to pick up the slack but he hasn't had to up to this point because he knows he can get away with it.

I just made a wholesale change in my life two years ago, after the first year of this kind of behavior in DH. We moved hundreds of miles to get away from DC and be closer to family. That has not helped. Now our son talks all the time about missing DC and I've had therapists suggest that the move was a "trauma." So I can't win for trying. If I were to "embrace the life I need" we would have to do it all over again. We don't make a ton of money. Without DH's contribution we would have to sell our house. So then that would be yet ANOTHER change and I'd probably get slammed for that too, how I'm not giving him routine and predictably and stability and all of that. This is what gets me - somehow, no matter what we do, it's always our fault as the parents. There's always somebody there to second guess you. Or tell you what you SHOULD have done, or what they would do.

Plus, for the 87th time, you are wrong about my DH. The answer to every woman's problems is NOT that her husband is a useless piece of shit slacker who doesn't care.

Hey OP - chill out! This is the PP that posted the above message to you. I was trying to be helpful....and the only reason I even threw your DH under the bus was because you gave me the impression based on the way you described your home life - that he does not help or participate much in all the things related to your DS and your home! Okay, I get it - he is a terrific guy. done. close that chapter.

[b]So you are the main breadwinner, sounds like DH needs to quit his job and be a SAHD. He can cook, clean, and make all the appointments for your DS. Then drive your DS to all those appointments and deal with talking to doctors - you know,all the things that all of us on this forum also have to do.

I get it, your life it tough but jeez already! stop wallowing in your own pity party. Your this kid's parent! No one promised you a perfect life, so its your fault that you set your expectations so high and that you feel like you do and not your child's fault. One day you are going to look back on this whole conversation and will not be able to comprehend or believe that you ever felt this way or said the things you've said here today.

You need therapy of your own and a reality check. Your only other option is to give your DS up....I am sure that there are many people who would happily adopt your child and happily raise him and selflessly put their own needs aside for that period of time when he needs their full and undivided love and attention.

I am sure you will come back here kicking and screaming and yelling about how you've already tried everything or done everything and that there is just no hope....that your life is shitty and it will always be shitty. (because secretly, you get off to the drama)!

The above bolded has been suggested several times and shot down because its unfair to DH. No mention of fairness to her son, who sounds absolutely miserable and has a toxic mother, who drags him into places while having anxiety, that desperately needs a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being kind of an asshole OP. You've been an ass to people on this board most of the day.. if the advice didn't fit what you exactly wanted. Just chill. Unplug.

I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid for your child. I feel like you need to get a sitter and go talk to someone - in real life.

I want to know what type of job she works where she can be so active on two different posts and all pissed off all day.

Which now makes me think she's trolling special needs, which is horrible.

No. I went home, as several people suggested. Once again, sanctimony and presumption. Classic DCUM.

No sanctimony, no presumption. Also no crystal ball.

Also: santimony - pretended, affected, or hypocritical religious devotion, righteousness, etc.

Since you keep using the word.

It also means this: http://i.word.com/idictionary/sanctimonious.

Words have more than one meaning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being kind of an asshole OP. You've been an ass to people on this board most of the day.. if the advice didn't fit what you exactly wanted. Just chill. Unplug.

I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid for your child. I feel like you need to get a sitter and go talk to someone - in real life.

I want to know what type of job she works where she can be so active on two different posts and all pissed off all day.

Which now makes me think she's trolling special needs, which is horrible.

No. I went home, as several people suggested. Once again, sanctimony and presumption. Classic DCUM.

No sanctimony, no presumption. Also no crystal ball.

Also: santimony - pretended, affected, or hypocritical religious devotion, righteousness, etc.

Since you keep using the word.

It also means this: http://i.word.com/idictionary/sanctimonious.

Words have more than one meaning.

LOL, did you even look at your link?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish I could rewind the clock to 27, stay on course to get my MBA, live on my own, chart my own course. I love my husband and son but my kid is exhausting and his issues make me vacillate between feeling like a fucking failure, furious anger, and complete despair. Sometimes I think if I had stuck to my guns in my 20's - when I proclaimed that I NEVER wanted to get married or have children - that it would have been better and I would be much happier today. I could focus on my career without guilt. I could spend my free time and my money traveling and being with friends instead of going to and paying for therapy appointments. I wouldn't be too exhausted to have sex and could feel like a woman instead of a cash cow/maid/harried victim of my child's issues/constant needs.

OP you've expressed how many of us feel or have felt from time to time. But you need to get past this for your own good if nothing else.

What I am about to say is so true, although very cliche. It's ALL about your attitude! Yes, life fucking sucks sometimes! and boy, when it rains it pours - doesn't it? You'll have a good couple of weeks, then all the sudden all the shit hits the fan at the same time. That said, you need to change your attitude an perspective, and yes maybe even make some wholesale changes to your life in general.

A lot of us spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror...I hate to tell you but if you had it all to do again you would most likely repeat the same decisions you made in your 20s.

Have you ever thought about your life at a much higher level? When things get rough for us, I try to focus on my belief that our son was sent to us because we were the best parents for him. No I am not going to get all God on you, its just what I believe. I also look at all the good things - how much DS has improved over the years, that we are all healthy, that DH and I both have good jobs or jobs at all to be frank, that we have a loving circle of friends and family. The rest is all noise OP.

No one's life is perfect - NO ONE!! hear me when I say that and believe it! some have it worse than others, and it definitely makes it rounds. Think about the poor Savvapolous family, or those innocent people in Charleston, or that child that was left in a hot car in Baltimore over the weekend. that will put everything into perspective pretty damn quick for you, and if it doesn't then you need counseling.

One last point, all of us - even parents of neuro-typical kids - have had to give up or delay certain dreams, desires and plans because of our children.....its called adulthood! So what your friends get to travel more than you do! is that how you measure happiness? and so what if your house is a mess, no one cares but you.

Now stop wallowing and get on with your life. and get your DH in line too. sounds like he needs to pick up the slack but he hasn't had to up to this point because he knows he can get away with it.

I just made a wholesale change in my life two years ago, after the first year of this kind of behavior in DH. We moved hundreds of miles to get away from DC and be closer to family. That has not helped. Now our son talks all the time about missing DC and I've had therapists suggest that the move was a "trauma." So I can't win for trying. If I were to "embrace the life I need" we would have to do it all over again. We don't make a ton of money. Without DH's contribution we would have to sell our house. So then that would be yet ANOTHER change and I'd probably get slammed for that too, how I'm not giving him routine and predictably and stability and all of that. This is what gets me - somehow, no matter what we do, it's always our fault as the parents. There's always somebody there to second guess you. Or tell you what you SHOULD have done, or what they would do.

Plus, for the 87th time, you are wrong about my DH. The answer to every woman's problems is NOT that her husband is a useless piece of shit slacker who doesn't care.

Hey OP - chill out! This is the PP that posted the above message to you. I was trying to be helpful....and the only reason I even threw your DH under the bus was because you gave me the impression based on the way you described your home life - that he does not help or participate much in all the things related to your DS and your home! Okay, I get it - he is a terrific guy. done. close that chapter.

[b]So you are the main breadwinner, sounds like DH needs to quit his job and be a SAHD. He can cook, clean, and make all the appointments for your DS. Then drive your DS to all those appointments and deal with talking to doctors - you know,all the things that all of us on this forum also have to do.

I get it, your life it tough but jeez already! stop wallowing in your own pity party. Your this kid's parent! No one promised you a perfect life, so its your fault that you set your expectations so high and that you feel like you do and not your child's fault. One day you are going to look back on this whole conversation and will not be able to comprehend or believe that you ever felt this way or said the things you've said here today.

You need therapy of your own and a reality check. Your only other option is to give your DS up....I am sure that there are many people who would happily adopt your child and happily raise him and selflessly put their own needs aside for that period of time when he needs their full and undivided love and attention.

I am sure you will come back here kicking and screaming and yelling about how you've already tried everything or done everything and that there is just no hope....that your life is shitty and it will always be shitty. (because secretly, you get off to the drama)!

The above bolded has been suggested several times and shot down because its unfair to DH. No mention of fairness to her son, who sounds absolutely miserable and has a toxic mother, who drags him into places while having anxiety, that desperately needs a break.

Okay. I'll tell him to quit his job tonight. I'm sure that will go over well. You do realize I don't get to make these decisions unilaterally, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being kind of an asshole OP. You've been an ass to people on this board most of the day.. if the advice didn't fit what you exactly wanted. Just chill. Unplug.

I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid for your child. I feel like you need to get a sitter and go talk to someone - in real life.

I want to know what type of job she works where she can be so active on two different posts and all pissed off all day.

Which now makes me think she's trolling special needs, which is horrible.

No. I went home, as several people suggested. Once again, sanctimony and presumption. Classic DCUM.

No sanctimony, no presumption. Also no crystal ball.

Also: santimony - pretended, affected, or hypocritical religious devotion, righteousness, etc.

Since you keep using the word.

It also means this: http://i.word.com/idictionary/sanctimonious.

Words have more than one meaning.

LOL, did you even look at your link?

It didn't post properly. It says this:

pretending to be morally better than other people

Merriam-Webster. Look it up. Smartass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being kind of an asshole OP. You've been an ass to people on this board most of the day.. if the advice didn't fit what you exactly wanted. Just chill. Unplug.

I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid for your child. I feel like you need to get a sitter and go talk to someone - in real life.

I want to know what type of job she works where she can be so active on two different posts and all pissed off all day.

Which now makes me think she's trolling special needs, which is horrible.

No. I went home, as several people suggested. Once again, sanctimony and presumption. Classic DCUM.

No sanctimony, no presumption. Also no crystal ball.

Also: santimony - pretended, affected, or hypocritical religious devotion, righteousness, etc.

Since you keep using the word.

It also means this: http://i.word.com/idictionary/sanctimonious.

Words have more than one meaning.

LOL, did you even look at your link?

It didn't post properly. It says this:

pretending to be morally better than other people

Merriam-Webster. Look it up. Smartass.

I don't think a single poster was pretending to be morally better than the OP.

[Anonymous]

This op is unreal. It's no wonder her poor child has anxiety. He's probably terrified of her. Can anyone imagine having to live with this woman? Look at how she has responded to the majority of the posts here. And she just keeps coming back for more!

I'm convinced that no matter what type of child op had, she'd wish she'd never became a parent. There'd be some other reason, if not the adhd & anxiety.

[Anonymous]

Op how is your son today? Do you want to try to move the discussion to more specific behaviors? It might stop some of the righteous indignation posts everyone feels the need to express. I'll admit I did it too earlier. I see it isn't very helpful. Your words are so strong it leaves one to believe you might hurt your child. Thus the unhelpful emotionally based posts.

It's great news that your son had friends in the neighborhood. Even though he doesn't seem interested now once some things stabilize that could be important for him. Have you tried to set up any play dates for him this summer? I would do it whether he expresses an interest or not. Even half assed social contact can help him.

I believe you said your child has a 504 plan? You'll probably want to begin the work to get an iep once school starts. The teachers can ignore the 504 plan whenever they want. This group can help you know the words to use to get the iep an with the process if you need it. They can also help with useful accommodations. Often the teachers are familiar with only a small set of accommodations.

You mentioned the expectations for k made your child more anxious. That means the school probably isn't doing what they should be to work with your child. There are so many things they can do. K really shouldn't be treated as the first steps to Harvard so any teacher that is stressing too much over imperfection is out of line.

Would you be willing to share some of the feed back you got from the current school?

Take care of yourself op. Maybe take a look at the "I need a laugh out loud book" thread and give one a try.

[Anonymous]

Maybe you can find some help here. The organization began in California, but have resources throughout the US.
https://www.care.com/a/help-for-families-with-special-needs-0812041242

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being kind of an asshole OP. You've been an ass to people on this board most of the day.. if the advice didn't fit what you exactly wanted. Just chill. Unplug.

I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid for your child. I feel like you need to get a sitter and go talk to someone - in real life.

I want to know what type of job she works where she can be so active on two different posts and all pissed off all day.

Which now makes me think she's trolling special needs, which is horrible.

No. I went home, as several people suggested. Once again, sanctimony and presumption. Classic DCUM.

No sanctimony, no presumption. Also no crystal ball.

Also: santimony - pretended, affected, or hypocritical religious devotion, righteousness, etc.

Since you keep using the word.

It also means this: http://i.word.com/idictionary/sanctimonious.

Words have more than one meaning.

LOL, did you even look at your link?

It didn't post properly. It says this:

pretending to be morally better than other people

Merriam-Webster. Look it up. Smartass.

I don't think a single poster was pretending to be morally better than the OP.

Yeah they were. I admit I did. I was pissed and ready to drive where she is to save her baby because I'm so much better as a mom. Who would want to smack a kid with disabilities? Actually many parents with kids with issues. We all love kids and want to protect them and I think our expectations of how we expect all women to respond to a child colors our responses. Op has to deal with sexist attitudes towards her feelings about being a mother. She's venting, she's aggressive, and she's bitchy. She's also smart as hell and actually working hard on this. If you can get past it why not help? Does lecturing her about her failure to make more major readjustments in her life help with the situation or make her love her child more?

I don't know how but my hope, op, is to help you get past this horrible time and lift some of the weight. It will get better. It is exhausting but I believe it will get better for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are being kind of an asshole OP. You've been an ass to people on this board most of the day.. if the advice didn't fit what you exactly wanted. Just chill. Unplug.

I'm afraid for you. I'm afraid for your child. I feel like you need to get a sitter and go talk to someone - in real life.

I want to know what type of job she works where she can be so active on two different posts and all pissed off all day.

Which now makes me think she's trolling special needs, which is horrible.

No. I went home, as several people suggested. Once again, sanctimony and presumption. Classic DCUM.

No sanctimony, no presumption. Also no crystal ball.

Also: santimony - pretended, affected, or hypocritical religious devotion, righteousness, etc.

Since you keep using the word.

It also means this: http://i.word.com/idictionary/sanctimonious.

Words have more than one meaning.

LOL, did you even look at your link?

It didn't post properly. It says this:

pretending to be morally better than other people

Merriam-Webster. Look it up. Smartass.

I don't think a single poster was pretending to be morally better than the OP.

Yeah they were. I admit I did. I was pissed and ready to drive where she is to save her baby because I'm so much better as a mom. Who would want to smack a kid with disabilities? Actually many parents with kids with issues. We all love kids and want to protect them and I think our expectations of how we expect all women to respond to a child colors our responses. Op has to deal with sexist attitudes towards her feelings about being a mother. She's venting, she's aggressive, and she's bitchy. She's also smart as hell and actually working hard on this. If you can get past it why not help? Does lecturing her about her failure to make more major readjustments in her life help with the situation or make her love her child more?

I don't know how but my hope, op, is to help you get past this horrible time and lift some of the weight. It will get better. It is exhausting but I believe it will get better for you.

She is not smart at all and she is sexist herself. Since she is special needs herself, I can understand why, but it doesn't make her particularly smart at dealing with her child. How many mothers have had to stop their jobs to help their special needs child despite having a fulfilling career? Yet she's shut down the idea of even talking to her husband about doing the same. If it's really that bad, he might agree it's in the best interest of the child at least for now. She also has put her child in camps that her child cannot handle and won't deal with the idea of some other arrangement to make him more comfortable. At least in school there are accommodations. Regular camps typically provide none of this and many are a total free for all, especially the $200 kind. She also won't consider any time off. These are actions that can be taken right now to help her situation and her child's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Okay. I'll tell him to quit his job tonight. I'm sure that will go over well. You do realize I don't get to make these decisions unilaterally, right?

Why is the sky always falling for you OP? How about broaching the subject with your DH and talking about what is best for your child?

[Anonymous]

Is it possible, OP, for you and your DH to talk to your kid's therapist? I'm not sure they all do that, but our DC has a therapist for ADHD combined (but no anxiety) and DC sees the therapist once a month and we (just the parents) see her once a month. Basically, we keep a list of frustrations or situations that we would like help with and we run through them with her. So on June 23, DC did X and my response was Y, which sucked b/c ABC and can you help me deal better this with problem? I've also gone without DH when I have felt completely overwhelmed and it was clear it was related to my DC.

Perhaps that might be an option? I'm sorry if this was suggested already. I didn't read the whole thread.