Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Do you really believe a few "quality" moments can make up for absentee parenting?

Please remember that "parenting" is a DOING verb, not just a biological relationship or a cuddly feeling you may have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really believe a few "quality" moments can make up for absentee parenting?

Please remember that "parenting" is a DOING verb, not just a biological relationship or a cuddly feeling you may have.

I'm talking here about young children before preschool,
especially the foundation years, birth to age three.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

From a lady currently SAH who just changed her clothes for the second time today because they were covered in her son's barf (again), I respectfully call "bullshit." If you don't think getting covered in vomit is unpleasant, you have a problem.

I am PP. I've been covered in disgusting substances more times than I can count. But that's not the hard part of parenting, nor is it especially unpleasant in the scheme of things. It's transitory. It doesn't leave emotional scars. It's a quickly solvable problem. If you think being covered in vomit is the hardest part of parenting, you aren't too far into it or you are a very delicate person. So no, I didn't find that stage of parenting very unpleasant. A little vomit doesn't even register in my list of problems.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

From a lady currently SAH who just changed her clothes for the second time today because they were covered in her son's barf (again), I respectfully call "bullshit." If you don't think getting covered in vomit is unpleasant, you have a problem.

I am PP. I've been covered in disgusting substances more times than I can count. But that's not the hard part of parenting, nor is it especially unpleasant in the scheme of things. It's transitory. It doesn't leave emotional scars. It's a quickly solvable problem. If you think being covered in vomit is the hardest part of parenting, you aren't too far into it or you are a very delicate person. So no, I didn't find that stage of parenting very unpleasant. A little vomit doesn't even register in my list of problems.

I agree completely. And pp, if you hate it that much - get ready for it - GET A JOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it seems like whenever I try an plan something "special" whether it's a date night or a special outing/event for the family, something always goes wrong. The pressure to "have fun" or "make it special" feels so artificial and forced. We are all different, but speaking only for myself, I can't creat quality on demand. Oh, and the woman who loves it all, even the hard stuff, is lying. Or a complete fake. I think she is probably a complete fake. It's probably my sister in law. She is a total fake.

Kids are much easier to please than adults. All I have to do is say bounce house for my daughter to go nuts. With a date night, there are much bigger expectations, looking sexy, enjoying each others company, possible sex after the date, etc. With kids they just want to have fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

From a lady currently SAH who just changed her clothes for the second time today because they were covered in her son's barf (again), I respectfully call "bullshit." If you don't think getting covered in vomit is unpleasant, you have a problem.

I am PP. I've been covered in disgusting substances more times than I can count. But that's not the hard part of parenting, nor is it especially unpleasant in the scheme of things. It's transitory. It doesn't leave emotional scars. It's a quickly solvable problem. If you think being covered in vomit is the hardest part of parenting, you aren't too far into it or you are a very delicate person. So no, I didn't find that stage of parenting very unpleasant. A little vomit doesn't even register in my list of problems.

No, I'm not that far into it. Only five years, but I don't believe I wrote that was the hardest or most unpleasant. Merely calling you on your bullshit. And to the other delightful PP who enjoys being covered in puke, I do freelance work. Nice to see that the nasty stereotypes about WOH are well supported by you both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A little vomit doesn't even register in my list of problems.

As the parent of two teenagers, I'd gladly trade a little baby vomit in exchange for not having to unclog the toilet every other day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you really believe a few "quality" moments can make up for absentee parenting?

Please remember that "parenting" is a DOING verb, not just a biological relationship or a cuddly feeling you may have.

Too bad all those working dads who pay for the SAHMs' ability to stay home are nothing but sperm donors and not actually parenting their children according to this troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

From a lady currently SAH who just changed her clothes for the second time today because they were covered in her son's barf (again), I respectfully call "bullshit." If you don't think getting covered in vomit is unpleasant, you have a problem.

I am PP. I've been covered in disgusting substances more times than I can count. But that's not the hard part of parenting, nor is it especially unpleasant in the scheme of things. It's transitory. It doesn't leave emotional scars. It's a quickly solvable problem. If you think being covered in vomit is the hardest part of parenting, you aren't too far into it or you are a very delicate person. So no, I didn't find that stage of parenting very unpleasant. A little vomit doesn't even register in my list of problems.

No, I'm not that far into it. Only five years, but I don't believe I wrote that was the hardest or most unpleasant. Merely calling you on your bullshit. And to the other delightful PP who enjoys being covered in puke, I do freelance work. Nice to see that the nasty stereotypes about WOH are well supported by you both.

You just said you stayed home.

[Anonymous]

Studies have shown that SAHMs suffer from depression more than working moms so I really tend to believe that parenting has the possibility to be rough for anyone. Also I recall reading another study that showed most people's happiness goes down after to kids. Not to mention plenty of men are happy to throw all of the child rearing on their wife and how many women come on DCUM bitching that their spouse doesn't help and how they are so overwhelmed.

Plenty of people find being a parent hard. I don't really think that's necessarily a bad thing.

[Anonymous]

I have found that the quality of the time I spend with my children depends on how I am feeling at any given time. I have SAH and WOTH so I have both perspectives.

When I stayed at home and was feeling lethargic, depressed or bored, my children got crappy quality.

When I work and am stressed out about a meeting or we're all rushing in the morning, my children get crappy quality.

So for me the working/non-working is a moot point - it's how do I stay relaxed, centered, receptive, connected as much as possible. Time really has nothing to do with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it seems like whenever I try an plan something "special" whether it's a date night or a special outing/event for the family, something always goes wrong. The pressure to "have fun" or "make it special" feels so artificial and forced. We are all different, but speaking only for myself, I can't creat quality on demand. Oh, and the woman who loves it all, even the hard stuff, is lying. Or a complete fake. I think she is probably a complete fake. It's probably my sister in law. She is a total fake.

I don't think people are saying that they can totally plan out quality time. But, this study was about older kids and not babies and toddlers. Most kids are in preschool and as they get older, school for a good portion of the week. Then many do some activities on their own that there parents may be involved in, but mostly the point of those activities are for the kids to go out and get exposed to something and spend time with people etc. outside their family. So the point is, whether you work or stay home, as kids get older everyone will have to schedule quality time.

I find it interesting that this thread is totally about working or staying home, when the study mentioned this but wasn't really about working vs. staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting that this thread is totally about working or staying home, when the study mentioned this but wasn't really about working vs. staying home.

If there was a way for some PPs to turn this into an argument about BF v. formula, they'd give that a run as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really believe a few "quality" moments can make up for absentee parenting?

Please remember that "parenting" is a DOING verb, not just a biological relationship or a cuddly feeling you may have.

Too bad all those working dads who pay for the SAHMs' ability to stay home are nothing but sperm donors and not actually parenting their children according to this troll.

You should try to understand that parenting (under preferable circumstances)
takes two parents:

One parent to bring home the bacon

and the other parent to provide the actual care of the children,

or any combination of the two.

Clear?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you really believe a few "quality" moments can make up for absentee parenting?

Please remember that "parenting" is a DOING verb, not just a biological relationship or a cuddly feeling you may have.

Too bad all those working dads who pay for the SAHMs' ability to stay home are nothing but sperm donors and not actually parenting their children according to this troll.

You should try to understand that parenting (under preferable circumstances)
takes two parents:

One parent to bring home the bacon

and the other parent to provide the actual care of the children,

or any combination of the two.

Clear?

Don't bother, this poster shows up on every thread acting deliberately obtuse that women aren't actually men with breasts stuck on them and can't fathom any differences. It's so boring