Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

I think you can plan for quality time, the same way you plan a date night with your spouse. I take my oldest to an interactive kids sport/parent activity every weekend and we always have fun. There are lots of ways to create quality time with your children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

What a ridiculous assumption you make. I speak here as a professional nanny, who well knows how tired parents are after a long day at the office. The unpleasant work of parenting falls on my primarily on my shoulders for the most part, because as said, parents should "enjoy" their precious little time with their child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

What a ridiculous assumption you make. I speak here as a professional nanny, who well knows how tired parents are after a long day at the office. The unpleasant work of parenting falls on my primarily on my shoulders for the most part, because as said, parents should "enjoy" their precious little time with their child.

Please pardon my typos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

What a ridiculous assumption you make. I speak here as a professional nanny, who well knows how tired parents are after a long day at the office. The unpleasant work of parenting falls on my primarily on my shoulders for the most part, because as said, parents should "enjoy" their precious little time with their child.

You may be a nanny but you are hardly professional. Do your parents a favor and find another line of work. You're far too bitter to be effective.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

What a ridiculous assumption you make. I speak here as a professional nanny, who well knows how tired parents are after a long day at the office. The unpleasant work of parenting falls on my primarily on my shoulders for the most part, because as said, parents should "enjoy" their precious little time with their child.

Um, I think you need a new job. You sound miserable. Those poor kids.

[Anonymous]

+1 at the above two comments. Waaay too bitter to be a nanny. Ouch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

From a lady currently SAH who just changed her clothes for the second time today because they were covered in her son's barf (again), I respectfully call "bullshit." If you don't think getting covered in vomit is unpleasant, you have a problem.

[Anonymous]

Here's the deal. The very existence of SAHMs makes working moms guilty. The very existence of working moms makes SAHMs guilty. Many commenters here have simply summarized their current situations, and then someone has come along and said "stop making me feel guilty." No one makes you feel anything. Your feelings originate in your own brain.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

What a ridiculous assumption you make. I speak here as a professional nanny, who well knows how tired parents are after a long day at the office. The unpleasant work of parenting falls on my primarily on my shoulders for the most part, because as said, parents should "enjoy" their precious little time with their child.

Um, I think you need a new job. You sound miserable. Those poor kids.

Many children are poor because they don't know their parents, nor do their parents know them. Except for what I put down in the log book.

Knowing a person takes a lot more than a few moments of "quality time" here and there, whenever you can crunch it in on your agenda.

[Anonymous]

Well, it seems like whenever I try an plan something "special" whether it's a date night or a special outing/event for the family, something always goes wrong. The pressure to "have fun" or "make it special" feels so artificial and forced. We are all different, but speaking only for myself, I can't creat quality on demand. Oh, and the woman who loves it all, even the hard stuff, is lying. Or a complete fake. I think she is probably a complete fake. It's probably my sister in law. She is a total fake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's the deal. The very existence of SAHMs makes working moms guilty. The very existence of working moms makes SAHMs guilty. Many commenters here have simply summarized their current situations, and then someone has come along and said "stop making me feel guilty." No one makes you feel anything. Your feelings originate in your own brain.

Yeah, I don't see a lot of WOHMs telling SAHMs they're doing it wrong. This "debate" seems to be WOHMs saying "Really, we're fine" and SAHMs saying "NO YOU'RE NOT!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, it seems like whenever I try an plan something "special" whether it's a date night or a special outing/event for the family, something always goes wrong. The pressure to "have fun" or "make it special" feels so artificial and forced. We are all different, but speaking only for myself, I can't creat quality on demand. Oh, and the woman who loves it all, even the hard stuff, is lying. Or a complete fake. I think she is probably a complete fake. It's probably my sister in law. She is a total fake.

Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

What a ridiculous assumption you make. I speak here as a professional nanny, who well knows how tired parents are after a long day at the office. The unpleasant work of parenting falls on my primarily on my shoulders for the most part, because as said, parents should "enjoy" their precious little time with their child.

You may be a nanny but you are hardly professional. Do your parents a favor and find another line of work. You're far too bitter to be effective.

I am one nanny who simply isn't afraid to speak the truth. Sorry if that doesn't suit you.

It in fact is called the "nanny as parent" phenomenon. Google it.
Parents as grandparents, who have little energy left over to raise their own children.

"The nanny can do it." Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, I've SAH and worked part time. The rub for me is that you can't predetermine what the hours you spend with your child will actually be like. That is, how can you "plan" for "quality" time? Usually, the best hours with my kids happen randomly, or during our unscheduled time, or for 30 blissful minutes before someone does a 180 and starts to have a meltdown. I think it's a BS study. But I think all of the studies and books are BS. If you are a researcher or have your PhD in child psychology, I'm sure you will tell me I'm wrong. But I don't care. I know my kids and I know that our quality time is totally unpredictable and precious. Which is why I try to be around them as much as possible.

Look, I've stayed home, I've worked part-time, I've been a student parent, and I've worked full-time. All had their pluses and minuses. I don't really have much of a stake in the mommy wars as I've been all over the place, but what PP wrote above is the sort of thing that is used to throw shade on working moms and try to make them feel guilty. In my experience good parents have great connections with their kids regardless of what they do and when they do it. Different schedules enable different kinds of connections at different moments. The random good moments will happen if you work or don't work. I think some parents who haven't done both for extended periods of time (or with the right supports in place) just don't understand this.

I think the outcome of this study is totally obvious to anybody who spends a lot of time with older kids and teens. Steady, loving, emotionally available and involved parents often have kids who are kind, emotionally healthy children, but that doesn't have a lot to do with working or not. I realize as SAHMs it can be hard to accept that conclusion, but I think it can be very freeing too. Just enjoy your time with your children, don't make it about how X number of hours equates to Y level of emotional health or Z level of child accomplishments, because that's just nutty and crazymaking. Staying home is great for its own sake, no need to turn it into a formula or something.

"Just enjoy your time with your children"?
What about the unpleasant work of parenting?
Dump the hard part on the nanny or teacher?

There we have it.

Ah. I see your issue. When I stayed home or when I worked, I did not consider it unpleasant even when it was hard. I have consistently enjoyed parenting no matter my employment status and no matter how hard it was. I am sorry you find being with your children unpleasant. I can see how that would make you angry and resentful of other parents who don't.

What a ridiculous assumption you make. I speak here as a professional nanny, who well knows how tired parents are after a long day at the office. The unpleasant work of parenting falls on my primarily on my shoulders for the most part, because as said, parents should "enjoy" their precious little time with their child.

Um, I think you need a new job. You sound miserable. Those poor kids.

Many children are poor because they don't know their parents, nor do their parents know them. Except for what I put down in the log book.

Knowing a person takes a lot more than a few moments of "quality time" here and there, whenever you can crunch it in on your agenda.

Seriously. New job, STAT. I never understand the concept of someone working in an industry that they hold such contempt for. Why in god's name would you work in a child-care industry when you hold such contempt for the mere concept of it? No wonder you're bitter, you're at complete odds with yourself.