Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you can never really know what you'd do in a certain situation, but I do for a fact know that when my marriage was really suffering over the course of a few years, I spent my energy trying to work on it, trying to get my husband to counseling, focusing on my children, trying to get us out on date nights more, etc. My husband, who was in the same crappy marriage (though obviously from a different perspective), chose to check further and further out and then have sex with the first woman he connected with who offered.

I've been in a bad place in marriage and it never crossed my mind to cheat or look elsewhere. I have a really hard time understanding how cheating, particularly when the other person is married too, is a better option in someone's mind than just separating.

I agree. You sound like a good person who deserves a loyal partner.

If the person wanted to actually end their marriage you would have more men (and women) leaving for their affair partners. This is usually not the case. And not in all cases but sometimes the other person in the marriage is not willing to go to counseling. I'm not saying an affair is the answer but that its more complicated than that and people can make bad decisions when they're feeling very confused.

The affair is wrong, I said an affair isn't the answer. But sometimes when you've tried for years to work on your marriage and you get ZERO in return, it's easy to make a BAD choice.

So one partner not wanting to go to counseling = it's okay to have an affair with someone else. Well, why the hell not. If he's not going to do what you want to do in order to fix the marriage, then why should I?

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I am not sure about the whole husbands looking for a mess because it makes them feel powerful. I think it's more like smelling out someone who is sad and lonely and will take them up on it. That sad person is just as likely to e hot as not, but of course, wives who have been cheated on will dispute this and husbands who have btdt will say their wives are soooooi much more attractive. Very reliable, right.

What do you mean reliable? In an EA the wife often knows the OW, as she is often a co-worker or mutual friend. Was in my case. I could see a one night stand or fling, having to believe the husband when he says "she is not as attractive as you honey" but for many of us, we actually know the woman and can vouch for her attractiveness. In fact that is why it got so far with my DH, I just blindly trusted the whole thing because the woman is just so not his type and was not the woman you think your husband will risk everything for. In his case it wasn't about looks but the way she made him feel when he was at a very low point.

This. The women here who have posted that they are better looking than the OW actually know the OW. Of course no one would believe a cheating husband who says his wife is hotter. But these are women who are just objectively saying that the OW wasnt that hot.

I do not have to be a betrayed wife to make that statement. I know at least a dozen people who have had affairs - men and women - and the affair partner is always a big fat loser or less attractive than the spouse.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own.

[Anonymous]

Question for those who have had an emotional affair: part of many affairs is the discussion of each other's unhappy marriages. For the woman who loved her dh and went back to him, and the affair partner went back to his wife, what did these conversations entail? Did you bash your spouses?

I don't get that part because if a person bashed their spouse behind his/her back, that would be such a turn off to me. Just screams of low self esteem and unresolved anger/resentment.

[Anonymous]

No. I would try to figure out why I focus on blaming someone else (spouse, spouse's lover) for all my marriage problems.

Then, I would work really hard to fight for my marriage and recognize my own failings, because the only thing I can change is me.

Sure, lash out if you need to, but reprimanding a slut isn't going to save your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own.

am in a similar situation and totally agree. my dh is having an affair with a college student at the school where he teaches. I told him this disgusts me and that it is more reprehensible than your average affair. do others agree, or is it just me that thinks this is an abusive of his power? she is also a foreign student, from a developing country notorious for its human rights violations, which I believe makes her potentially more vulnerable.

[Anonymous]

9:32 - ugh! Why are you even asking? That is truly disgusting and demonstrates serious lack of judgement. What's your story? Does he know you know? He refuses to stop? And you're still around?

[Anonymous]

932, your husband's student has the smarts to come here. If she is an adult, then this is no more out of line then your husband screwing say someone froma developed country. Her country may be known for human rights violations, this doesn't mean she is incapable of making decisions about her sex life. Her choice probably isn't wise, but she does have the right to make it. You also have the right to end your marriage, and/or go to the college if your husband's conduct is violating a written code, say professors can't sleep witha student in his class.

[Anonymous]

Not the PP you were previously arguing with, though I agree with her.

So, your conversations crossed the line. It's good that you apparently realized that. But you don't think that when you were "willing to take it physical", it got too far? Because it honestly sounds like maybe you ended it because you felt rejected at that point, and now you're backtracking to make yourself sound like this upstanding wife and person, when, in reality, you should have been working on your marriage instead of seeking intimate attention of any kind from someone else.

The world is not black and white. I'm sure most people who have emotional affairs and even physical affairs do not initially start the day thinking "I'm going out to find someone to cheat on my spouse".

My emotional affair was very gradual. I met someone whom I had a lot in common and enjoyed talking with. Our conversations originally were professional then turned casual then eventually very personal. We grew very attracted to each other. The more we talked, the more we liked each other.

It's a grey area when the actual line between when the friendship and emotional affair began but it is something I definitely had not planned on. The point I was willing to take it to the physical level is when I realized a definite line had been crossed. It did cause me to do some soul searching and I didn't like where things could have gone. When I acknowledged that I was screwing up my marriage by seeing this guy, I decided to break off all contact.

If having a physical affair is what I truly planned on and desired, I'm sure I could have found a man that would be game for sex. I could have even stayed in the emotional affair to try to tempt him to take things physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not the PP you were previously arguing with, though I agree with her.

So, your conversations crossed the line. It's good that you apparently realized that. But you don't think that when you were "willing to take it physical", it got too far? Because it honestly sounds like maybe you ended it because you felt rejected at that point, and now you're backtracking to make yourself sound like this upstanding wife and person, when, in reality, you should have been working on your marriage instead of seeking intimate attention of any kind from someone else.

The world is not black and white. I'm sure most people who have emotional affairs and even physical affairs do not initially start the day thinking "I'm going out to find someone to cheat on my spouse".

My emotional affair was very gradual. I met someone whom I had a lot in common and enjoyed talking with. Our conversations originally were professional then turned casual then eventually very personal. We grew very attracted to each other. The more we talked, the more we liked each other.

It's a grey area when the actual line between when the friendship and emotional affair began but it is something I definitely had not planned on. The point I was willing to take it to the physical level is when I realized a definite line had been crossed. It did cause me to do some soul searching and I didn't like where things could have gone. When I acknowledged that I was screwing up my marriage by seeing this guy, I decided to break off all contact.

If having a physical affair is what I truly planned on and desired, I'm sure I could have found a man that would be game for sex. I could have even stayed in the emotional affair to try to tempt him to take things physical.

Any woman can find a man game for sex.

[Anonymous]

OW: did your coworkers not catch on?

Since all this has come out I've been so careful and more guarded about interactions, and I've notice who is close to who and so on. And I'm embarrassed around his coworkers because I wonder if they picked up on it.Just wondering if you think your transfer had anything to do it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Not the PP you were previously arguing with, though I agree with her.

So, your conversations crossed the line. It's good that you apparently realized that. But you don't think that when you were "willing to take it physical", it got too far? Because it honestly sounds like maybe you ended it because you felt rejected at that point, and now you're backtracking to make yourself sound like this upstanding wife and person, when, in reality, you should have been working on your marriage instead of seeking intimate attention of any kind from someone else.

The world is not black and white. I'm sure most people who have emotional affairs and even physical affairs do not initially start the day thinking "I'm going out to find someone to cheat on my spouse".

My emotional affair was very gradual. I met someone whom I had a lot in common and enjoyed talking with. Our conversations originally were professional then turned casual then eventually very personal. We grew very attracted to each other. The more we talked, the more we liked each other.

It's a grey area when the actual line between when the friendship and emotional affair began but it is something I definitely had not planned on. The point I was willing to take it to the physical level is when I realized a definite line had been crossed. It did cause me to do some soul searching and I didn't like where things could have gone. When I acknowledged that I was screwing up my marriage by seeing this guy, I decided to break off all contact.

If having a physical affair is what I truly planned on and desired, I'm sure I could have found a man that would be game for sex. I could have even stayed in the emotional affair to try to tempt him to take things physical.

The more you defend yourself, the more ridiculous you come across. Congratulations, you could have had sex and didn't. I'm sure that makes the betrayal (and defend your sweet intentions all you want, it is still betrayal) much better for your husband.

You connected with a man who is not your husband with enough intimacy, that it caused you to want to have sex with him. I think that what you need to realize, is that, despite the fact that it never actually happened, the fact that you wanted it to makes it just as bad as if you had slept with him. Yes, you broke it off after that point, but that doesn't erase anything. What happened still happened, and if it were up to you at the time, more would have than actually did, and I hope that when you did break away from him, you at least thanked him for at least having enough of a conscience to not go there.

[Anonymous]

NP. No it doesn't make it just as bad to want it! I want to sleep with Brad Pitt and the really hot bartender I saw on Sat. (but did nit talk to). Neither counts as cheating!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OW: did your coworkers not catch on?

Since all this has come out I've been so careful and more guarded about interactions, and I've notice who is close to who and so on. And I'm embarrassed around his coworkers because I wonder if they picked up on it.Just wondering if you think your transfer had anything to do it?

Transfer was completely unrelated.

Im not sure if anyone noticed. Maybe, but I bet nothing definite.

As far as how we talked about our spouses: yes, there was a level of complaints but Nothing like "he/she is terrible". There was no name calling etc. We were all friends so I liked her, he got along with DH and we both new some of the limitationS of each others' spouses. But it was never nasty just things like "I wish DH would talk to me" "I wish DW could relax and have fun" etc.

[Anonymous]

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships.