Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships.

Ironically, some of us who DIDN'T have the affair but whose spouse's did are the ones who had sex and affection withheld from us. When I got pregnant something snapped inside my husband and instead of growing up, he decided over the course of the next couple of years to have a midlife crisis of sorts, stop being physical with me, stop making me feel respected, and just lashing out at me in general and not being much of a parenting partner. Then the icing on that cake was that he cheated.

Things are better now and he is growing up but an affair is NOT the answer and it is often done by the person in the marriage causing if not more trouble than at least as much trouble as the betrayed spouse (and I will say I was not perfect but at least I didn't have an affair).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships.

Ironically, some of us who DIDN'T have the affair but whose spouse's did are the ones who had sex and affection withheld from us. When I got pregnant something snapped inside my husband and instead of growing up, he decided over the course of the next couple of years to have a midlife crisis of sorts, stop being physical with me, stop making me feel respected, and just lashing out at me in general and not being much of a parenting partner. Then the icing on that cake was that he cheated.

Things are better now and he is growing up but an affair is NOT the answer and it is often done by the person in the marriage causing if not more trouble than at least as much trouble as the betrayed spouse (and I will say I was not perfect but at least I didn't have an affair).

Exactly. "The marriage was bad" excuse is just stupid. Both people are in the same "bad" marriage but only one of them cheats. Well, gee, if the bad marriage CAUSES the cheating, why don't both people cheat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

actually, it is complicated. Affairs are wrong, but so is withholding sex and affection from you spouse, so is years of verbal abuse, berating, and belittling our partner, so is years of putting your own needs above those of the family, so is refusal to discuss either fixing or ending the marriage without threatening a nasty divorce that will ruin the kids lives.

fwiw, I am not in the above-type marriage, nor have I had an affair (I'm relatively happily married) but I've seen a lot of bad shit over the years, and known people on both sides of the equation, and I think that while its not fair to blame the innocent spouse for the affair, sometimes life is complicated and people fuck up and make bad decisions. Affairs can be ways to survive in an unhappy, dysfunctional marriage, they can also be expressions of an unconscious desire to force change in the current situation, they can also be the product of confused thinking, of victim mentality, of drug/alcohol abuse, of boredom and immaturity, of a profound loneliness while being married (which is worse than loneliness while being single, in my book). It's not the answer, but I think the black and white mentality that puts people who have affairs in the "bad" camp and those who don't cross the line in the "good" camp isn't really helpful if you want to understand why people make these choices, and how to move beyond them and grow and change and have more satisfying relationships.

Ironically, some of us who DIDN'T have the affair but whose spouse's did are the ones who had sex and affection withheld from us. When I got pregnant something snapped inside my husband and instead of growing up, he decided over the course of the next couple of years to have a midlife crisis of sorts, stop being physical with me, stop making me feel respected, and just lashing out at me in general and not being much of a parenting partner. Then the icing on that cake was that he cheated.

Things are better now and he is growing up but an affair is NOT the answer and it is often done by the person in the marriage causing if not more trouble than at least as much trouble as the betrayed spouse (and I will say I was not perfect but at least I didn't have an affair).

Exactly. "The marriage was bad" excuse is just stupid. Both people are in the same "bad" marriage but only one of them cheats. Well, gee, if the bad marriage CAUSES the cheating, why don't both people cheat?

Some people are too fucking lazy to cheat. That's the truth.

[Anonymous]

Lazy? Maybe. or too much self worth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own.

Really? You don't see it's much safer to have an affair partner who's also married? They also have a lot to lose and they won't want to marry you.

[Anonymous]

People who DON'T cheat are too lazy? Huh? The first thing most cheaters defend themselves with is that it "just happened." Someone said exactly that somewhere on this thread - that few people wake up in the morning and say "I think I'll cheat on my spouse today!" If we're calling anyone lazy, I'd say it's the cheaters who don't want to put in the hard work to maintain a solid marriage and honor their commitments. And yes, I get that this isn't black and white and that sometimes people cheat because their are emotional or sexually starved by their spouses but for some reason don't want roger divorced (which I still don't understand, but ok). I'm talking about the large proportion of people who cheat after actually putting less effort into the marriage in the first place (including my husband and the cheating spouses of many on here). Those are the lazy people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm a PP who was in a crappy marriage and was actively trying to work on it while my husband checked out and cheated. I had mentioned that I don't understand how someone would decide that having an affair is a better choice than just separating. Sure it may seem easier, but it is astounding to me that someone could rationalize that behavior.

But there is a special level of wrong when you choose an affair partner who is also married. Sure, f up your own life and find that emotional or sexual connection you need with some random single. It is impossible for me to understand how you could be so lacking in morality, self-esteem, and self-control that you could get involved with another married person, and even less so when that person has children of their own.

Really? You don't see it's much safer to have an affair partner who's also married? They also have a lot to lose and they won't want to marry you.

I'm not talking about safer. I don't care a bit about how you're going to be a cheating POS and protect your own ass. I'm saying cheating with another married person is so beyond wrong I can't begin to fathom how anyone could convince themselves that it's the best choice in their situation. I guess I can see hooking up with a single and rationalizing it and only feeling fairly guilty because you're hurting only your spouse who presumably you have your own issues with (still wrong obviously). But how can you insert yourself into another marriage, particularly when they have kids - how do you not think to yourself about how drastically you are directly affecting the immediate and cuter lives of children after the spouse of your "I need some cheap emotional or sexual thrills" partner finds out? How do you not think about that every day and just be absolutely crushed with guilt?

[Anonymous]

Cuter should be future

[Anonymous]

"But how can you insert yourself into another marriage, particularly when they have kids - how do you not think to yourself about how drastically you are directly affecting the immediate and cuter lives of children after the spouse of your "I need some cheap emotional or sexual thrills" partner finds out? How do you not think about that every day and just be absolutely crushed with guilt? "

There's no way I can explain it to you that will make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"But how can you insert yourself into another marriage, particularly when they have kids - how do you not think to yourself about how drastically you are directly affecting the immediate and cuter lives of children after the spouse of your "I need some cheap emotional or sexual thrills" partner finds out? How do you not think about that every day and just be absolutely crushed with guilt? "

There's no way I can explain it to you that will make sense.

But you think it's ok? You think it's your best choice?

[Anonymous]

I think it's what I want to do and it's the best choice to avoid upsetting our current lives. I don't want to split our assets with my spouse. I want my children to grow up in an intact household. But I have a high need for romance, affection and sex, and DH is unwilling/unable to provide what I need. We've discussed it many times, by ourselves and with a counsellor.

[Anonymous]

And you're cheating with someone who is also married? Do they have kids? You can't admit that what you're doing is completely and totally selfish? And you're ok with that? Why not tell DH you're opening the marriage and find someone else single or who also has an open marriage?

Particularly when there are kids involved, I imagine it would just be crushing guilt. Maybe having seen myself what cheating does to a marriage and to kids (both my parents and my own marriage), I know what the outcomes of these types of choices can be. They are devastating and life-long challenges that you, because you don't have the courage to just leave your spouse or open up your marriage honestly, are bestowing upon the spouse of your partner and any children, including your own. I can't imagine not thinking about that constantly.

[Anonymous]

I'm not you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm not you.

Obviously. But it's deeply saddening to me that there are people in the world that so hugely value their own needs at the total expense of everyone else's and who lack the courage to get their needs met in a way that doesn't drastically affect other people's lives. I hope it all works out for you and for your cheating partner in a way that doesn't cause immense sadness to those to whom you have made commitments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OW: did your coworkers not catch on?

Since all this has come out I've been so careful and more guarded about interactions, and I've notice who is close to who and so on. And I'm embarrassed around his coworkers because I wonder if they picked up on it.Just wondering if you think your transfer had anything to do it?

Transfer was completely unrelated.

Im not sure if anyone noticed. Maybe, but I bet nothing definite.

As far as how we talked about our spouses: yes, there was a level of complaints but Nothing like "he/she is terrible". There was no name calling etc. We were all friends so I liked her, he got along with DH and we both new some of the limitationS of each others' spouses. But it was never nasty just things like "I wish DH would talk to me" "I wish DW could relax and have fun" etc.

This thread is long so maybe you already answered but did your friend (the wife) and you ever talk? Is she friends with your husband? Are your husbands friends? Just puzzled how this all works. In our case our spuses didn't know each other and though I knew her we weren't friends (didn't know her that well since she worked with my h)