Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Actually I was much more pleasant. I was really happy all the time and was able to spend a lot of energy on my children. I was basically living on a cloud and everything just felt fun. Not so much after it ended though. I was in a lot of pain/guilt etc. It's only starting to get better now.

Are you the one who had an affair and you felt you were on cloud 9?

[Anonymous]

I haven't posted that elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

I recently had an EM affair to the point I was willing to take it physical. However, the other man just liked the flirting and attention the EA brought but was not willing to take it to the next level.

Just because your spouse may be deeply involved or hung up on another person, doesn't necessarily mean the other person is in the same boat. It would be pointless to contact the other person. The real issue is what is going on between you and your spouse that led them to seek intimacy else where. If you fix that issue, you will fix your marriage and the EA will end.

That's what happened in my case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently had an EM affair to the point I was willing to take it physical. However, the other man just liked the flirting and attention the EA brought but was not willing to take it to the next level.

Just because your spouse may be deeply involved or hung up on another person, doesn't necessarily mean the other person is in the same boat. It would be pointless to contact the other person. The real issue is what is going on between you and your spouse that led them to seek intimacy else where. If you fix that issue, you will fix your marriage and the EA will end.

That's what happened in my case.

Nope. The real issue is the hole in your character.

Seriously, do any people who have had affairs or come close even read the studies on infidelity? Or do they just prefer to hide their bad decisions behind a "issues in the marriage" rationalization? Because, person who almost had an affair, unless you deal with the serious character flaw YOU have, you are almost doomed to repeat your behavior the next time you feel like it. Get yourself into therapy with a competent therapist.

[Anonymous]

Studies are generalizations. These are individuals. Do you realize the complications and limitations on doing studies on infidelity?

I do agree therapy is important but you just don't know this person's situation. Until you have walked in her shoes you just don't know.

I was one of those women who couldn't even fathom how another woman could be unfaithful. I judged and thought I

would NEVER EVER do it. I was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Studies are generalizations. These are individuals. Do you realize the complications and limitations on doing studies on infidelity?

I do agree therapy is important but you just don't know this person's situation. Until you have walked in her shoes you just don't know.

I was one of those women who couldn't even fathom how another woman could be unfaithful. I judged and thought I

would NEVER EVER do it. I was wrong.

And did you seek therapy? So you could fix yourself?

You realize that people can rationalize anything that they do, right? Cognitive dissonance and all that? So if you see that you behave contrary to your stated values, or commonly-accepted morality, you can either blame it on the situation or try to fix yourself. Personal growth demands the latter, obviously.

I have never been a fan of situational ethics, and yes, I do judge people who try to excuse their own failings, rather than accepting responsibility for them and trying to change them. It is a huge problem throughout our society.

[Anonymous]

Obviously you can never really know what you'd do in a certain situation, but I do for a fact know that when my marriage was really suffering over the course of a few years, I spent my energy trying to work on it, trying to get my husband to counseling, focusing on my children, trying to get us out on date nights more, etc. My husband, who was in the same crappy marriage (though obviously from a different perspective), chose to check further and further out and then have sex with the first woman he connected with who offered.

I've been in a bad place in marriage and it never crossed my mind to cheat or look elsewhere. I have a really hard time understanding how cheating, particularly when the other person is married too, is a better option in someone's mind than just separating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you can never really know what you'd do in a certain situation, but I do for a fact know that when my marriage was really suffering over the course of a few years, I spent my energy trying to work on it, trying to get my husband to counseling, focusing on my children, trying to get us out on date nights more, etc. My husband, who was in the same crappy marriage (though obviously from a different perspective), chose to check further and further out and then have sex with the first woman he connected with who offered.

I've been in a bad place in marriage and it never crossed my mind to cheat or look elsewhere. I have a really hard time understanding how cheating, particularly when the other person is married too, is a better option in someone's mind than just separating.

I agree. You sound like a good person who deserves a loyal partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you can never really know what you'd do in a certain situation, but I do for a fact know that when my marriage was really suffering over the course of a few years, I spent my energy trying to work on it, trying to get my husband to counseling, focusing on my children, trying to get us out on date nights more, etc. My husband, who was in the same crappy marriage (though obviously from a different perspective), chose to check further and further out and then have sex with the first woman he connected with who offered.

I've been in a bad place in marriage and it never crossed my mind to cheat or look elsewhere. I have a really hard time understanding how cheating, particularly when the other person is married too, is a better option in someone's mind than just separating.

I agree. You sound like a good person who deserves a loyal partner.

If the person wanted to actually end their marriage you would have more men (and women) leaving for their affair partners. This is usually not the case. And not in all cases but sometimes the other person in the marriage is not willing to go to counseling. I'm not saying an affair is the answer but that its more complicated than that and people can make bad decisions when they're feeling very confused.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently had an EM affair to the point I was willing to take it physical. However, the other man just liked the flirting and attention the EA brought but was not willing to take it to the next level.

Just because your spouse may be deeply involved or hung up on another person, doesn't necessarily mean the other person is in the same boat. It would be pointless to contact the other person. The real issue is what is going on between you and your spouse that led them to seek intimacy else where. If you fix that issue, you will fix your marriage and the EA will end.

That's what happened in my case.

Nope. The real issue is the hole in your character.

Seriously, do any people who have had affairs or come close even read the studies on infidelity? Or do they just prefer to hide their bad decisions behind a "issues in the marriage" rationalization? Because, person who almost had an affair, unless you deal with the serious character flaw YOU have, you are almost doomed to repeat your behavior the next time you feel like it. Get yourself into therapy with a competent therapist.

You know nothing about me other than the above post. You must be a real bitch or a dick (which ever applies) to judge people so quickly.

I am not perfect but I did not have the physical affair and I ended the emotional affair to work on my marriage and focus on my family. I think that does speak of my character.

FYI: The topic is whether or not the other person in the EA should be contacted. My answer was no because that person may not have the same feelings as your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently had an EM affair to the point I was willing to take it physical. However, the other man just liked the flirting and attention the EA brought but was not willing to take it to the next level.

Just because your spouse may be deeply involved or hung up on another person, doesn't necessarily mean the other person is in the same boat. It would be pointless to contact the other person. The real issue is what is going on between you and your spouse that led them to seek intimacy else where. If you fix that issue, you will fix your marriage and the EA will end.

That's what happened in my case.

Nope. The real issue is the hole in your character.

Seriously, do any people who have had affairs or come close even read the studies on infidelity? Or do they just prefer to hide their bad decisions behind a "issues in the marriage" rationalization? Because, person who almost had an affair, unless you deal with the serious character flaw YOU have, you are almost doomed to repeat your behavior the next time you feel like it. Get yourself into therapy with a competent therapist.

You know nothing about me other than the above post. You must be a real bitch or a dick (which ever applies) to judge people so quickly.

I am not perfect but I did not have the physical affair and I ended the emotional affair to work on my marriage and focus on my family. I think that does speak of my character.

FYI: The topic is whether or not the other person in the EA should be contacted. My answer was no because that person may not have the same feelings as your spouse.

Wait. You said earlier that you were ready to take it physical, but your EA partner rejected that proposition. And now you want the credit for ending the affair? That kind of proves my point about rationalization. Actually, that one is probably just a wholesale rewriting of history. Which in fact does speak of your character, but apparently not as you might hope.

[Anonymous]

Another poster. I have a real problem with this statement made by the person in the EA:

"The real issue is what is going on between you and your spouse that led them to seek intimacy else where. If you fix that issue, you will fix your marriage and the EA will end."

This is utter bullshit. DH and I were both in a shitty marriage, and he is the one who had an EA, not me. It was NOT my fault, it was his weakness. In fact, he has taken ownership since of the fact that his weaknesses and tendencies in the first place are what fucked up our marriage. I am no angel and I certainly contributed, but we have uncovered that he is extremely passive aggressive, and withholds sex and affection to maintain control. I have my issues but I didn't do that and I didn't have an affair. His fear of intimacy made him an ideal EA candidate since the affair is all bullshit and not real intimacy. You only see the fantasy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently had an EM affair to the point I was willing to take it physical. However, the other man just liked the flirting and attention the EA brought but was not willing to take it to the next level.

Just because your spouse may be deeply involved or hung up on another person, doesn't necessarily mean the other person is in the same boat. It would be pointless to contact the other person. The real issue is what is going on between you and your spouse that led them to seek intimacy else where. If you fix that issue, you will fix your marriage and the EA will end.

That's what happened in my case.

Nope. The real issue is the hole in your character.

Seriously, do any people who have had affairs or come close even read the studies on infidelity? Or do they just prefer to hide their bad decisions behind a "issues in the marriage" rationalization? Because, person who almost had an affair, unless you deal with the serious character flaw YOU have, you are almost doomed to repeat your behavior the next time you feel like it. Get yourself into therapy with a competent therapist.

You know nothing about me other than the above post. You must be a real bitch or a dick (which ever applies) to judge people so quickly.

I am not perfect but I did not have the physical affair and I ended the emotional affair to work on my marriage and focus on my family. I think that does speak of my character.

FYI: The topic is whether or not the other person in the EA should be contacted. My answer was no because that person may not have the same feelings as your spouse.

Wait. You said earlier that you were ready to take it physical, but your EA partner rejected that proposition. And now you want the credit for ending the affair? That kind of proves my point about rationalization. Actually, that one is probably just a wholesale rewriting of history. Which in fact does speak of your character, but apparently not as you might hope.

As I stated, the man was happy with the flirting and attention but did not want to make it physical. I could have continued with the emotional affair because he did not feel like it was cheating as long as we were just talking. However, like I said, I decided to break all ties with the man. I felt our conversations had crossed the line and had become too intimate. I examined where I was at and I made a decision to rebuild my relationship with my husband and focus more on my family. To do so, I could not continue any type of friendship with the other man because it was draining the emotional reservoir I needed to give to my DH. To end the entire relationship and not continue with an emotional affair was my decision, not the other man.

Try not to rush to so many conclusions and read too deep into other people's lives. I'm sure you are reading this and trashing other people to avoid the issues in your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Obviously you can never really know what you'd do in a certain situation, but I do for a fact know that when my marriage was really suffering over the course of a few years, I spent my energy trying to work on it, trying to get my husband to counseling, focusing on my children, trying to get us out on date nights more, etc. My husband, who was in the same crappy marriage (though obviously from a different perspective), chose to check further and further out and then have sex with the first woman he connected with who offered.

I've been in a bad place in marriage and it never crossed my mind to cheat or look elsewhere. I have a really hard time understanding how cheating, particularly when the other person is married too, is a better option in someone's mind than just separating.

I agree. You sound like a good person who deserves a loyal partner.

If the person wanted to actually end their marriage you would have more men (and women) leaving for their affair partners. This is usually not the case. And not in all cases but sometimes the other person in the marriage is not willing to go to counseling. I'm not saying an affair is the answer but that its more complicated than that and people can make bad decisions when they're feeling very confused.

So one partner not wanting to go to counseling = it's okay to have an affair with someone else. Well, why the hell not. If he's not going to do what you want to do in order to fix the marriage, then why should I?

This is not complicated. Affairs are WRONG. You can say whatever you want to justify it, you might feel better when you do, but at the end of the day, it's still wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I recently had an EM affair to the point I was willing to take it physical. However, the other man just liked the flirting and attention the EA brought but was not willing to take it to the next level.

Just because your spouse may be deeply involved or hung up on another person, doesn't necessarily mean the other person is in the same boat. It would be pointless to contact the other person. The real issue is what is going on between you and your spouse that led them to seek intimacy else where. If you fix that issue, you will fix your marriage and the EA will end.

That's what happened in my case.

Nope. The real issue is the hole in your character.

Seriously, do any people who have had affairs or come close even read the studies on infidelity? Or do they just prefer to hide their bad decisions behind a "issues in the marriage" rationalization? Because, person who almost had an affair, unless you deal with the serious character flaw YOU have, you are almost doomed to repeat your behavior the next time you feel like it. Get yourself into therapy with a competent therapist.

You know nothing about me other than the above post. You must be a real bitch or a dick (which ever applies) to judge people so quickly.

I am not perfect but I did not have the physical affair and I ended the emotional affair to work on my marriage and focus on my family. I think that does speak of my character.

FYI: The topic is whether or not the other person in the EA should be contacted. My answer was no because that person may not have the same feelings as your spouse.

Wait. You said earlier that you were ready to take it physical, but your EA partner rejected that proposition. And now you want the credit for ending the affair? That kind of proves my point about rationalization. Actually, that one is probably just a wholesale rewriting of history. Which in fact does speak of your character, but apparently not as you might hope.

As I stated, the man was happy with the flirting and attention but did not want to make it physical. I could have continued with the emotional affair because he did not feel like it was cheating as long as we were just talking. However, like I said, I decided to break all ties with the man. I felt our conversations had crossed the line and had become too intimate. I examined where I was at and I made a decision to rebuild my relationship with my husband and focus more on my family. To do so, I could not continue any type of friendship with the other man because it was draining the emotional reservoir I needed to give to my DH. To end the entire relationship and not continue with an emotional affair was my decision, not the other man.

Try not to rush to so many conclusions and read too deep into other people's lives. I'm sure you are reading this and trashing other people to avoid the issues in your own life.

Not the PP you were previously arguing with, though I agree with her.

So, your conversations crossed the line. It's good that you apparently realized that. But you don't think that when you were "willing to take it physical", it got too far? Because it honestly sounds like maybe you ended it because you felt rejected at that point, and now you're backtracking to make yourself sound like this upstanding wife and person, when, in reality, you should have been working on your marriage instead of seeking intimate attention of any kind from someone else.