Parents who are overwhelmed with one or two kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Yikes. WHY?

We’re religious.

You can still practice religion with fewer kids.

Yes, but we can afford having a lot of kids so why not.

Both of my parents are among the youngest kids in huge Catholic families (7+ kids). They both experienced a ton of parental neglect that came home to roost when they became parents. Older siblings are not good substitutes for actual parents, as they are children themselves. They often reinforce childish beliefs and fears, can be emotionally abusive because they aren't mature enough to be parenting, etc. My parents would have been much better off with real love and guidance from their actual parents, but they barely knew them. Yes they have some find memories of very full houses, big and boisterous family dinners, and have some great and close relationships with siblings. But the were not sufficiently *parented*. Kids from smaller families, IMO, tend to be more emotionally mature and developed, have a better sense of themselves and their role, have deeper and more reliable self confidence. Kids from very large families seem needy, because they are needy --they needed things growing up that they simply never got.

I also come from a big family (13 children) and didn’t experience any neglect. Our kids do get 1-1 time and our older kids don’t help parent at all.

Extra large families are super fascinating to me.. what was that like growing up? What’s the dynamic like now that you’re all adults?

Parents have 9 daughters and 4 sons. We were well off and lived in a house that ran on structure: set routines, and a lot of systems just to keep things functioning. We all went to private school, college was paid for, and had set extracurriculars. No one was left behind and we were all able to do what we were passionate about. We did have household help. Routines were apart of everything — school, activities, etc. We always knew what to expect, and it wasn’t the chaos that usually comes with so many kids. What really stands out looking back are Sundays and holidays. Those are our favorite memories. Sundays included — everyone home, long dinners, it was always the same, and this is something we do with our kids now.

We always had set family time (our parents wanted us have close bonds) and that’s a big reason why we’re still super close as busy adults. Holidays were always special. That carried into adulthood, we’re all close as siblings thanks to our parents, our kids love their cousins and every year all of us — siblings, spouses, and kids still make sure to go on vacation together. My parents now have 47 grandchildren whom they adore and sometimes say they love more than us..I don’t have anything bad to say about it.

9 girls??

How many more kids are you planning on having?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Yikes. WHY?

We’re religious.

You can still practice religion with fewer kids.

Yes, but we can afford having a lot of kids so why not.

Both of my parents are among the youngest kids in huge Catholic families (7+ kids). They both experienced a ton of parental neglect that came home to roost when they became parents. Older siblings are not good substitutes for actual parents, as they are children themselves. They often reinforce childish beliefs and fears, can be emotionally abusive because they aren't mature enough to be parenting, etc. My parents would have been much better off with real love and guidance from their actual parents, but they barely knew them. Yes they have some find memories of very full houses, big and boisterous family dinners, and have some great and close relationships with siblings. But the were not sufficiently *parented*. Kids from smaller families, IMO, tend to be more emotionally mature and developed, have a better sense of themselves and their role, have deeper and more reliable self confidence. Kids from very large families seem needy, because they are needy --they needed things growing up that they simply never got.

I also come from a big family (13 children) and didn’t experience any neglect. Our kids do get 1-1 time and our older kids don’t help parent at all.

Extra large families are super fascinating to me.. what was that like growing up? What’s the dynamic like now that you’re all adults?

Parents have 9 daughters and 4 sons. We were well off and lived in a house that ran on structure: set routines, and a lot of systems just to keep things functioning. We all went to private school, college was paid for, and had set extracurriculars. No one was left behind and we were all able to do what we were passionate about. We did have household help. Routines were apart of everything — school, activities, etc. We always knew what to expect, and it wasn’t the chaos that usually comes with so many kids. What really stands out looking back are Sundays and holidays. Those are our favorite memories. Sundays included — everyone home, long dinners, it was always the same, and this is something we do with our kids now.

We always had set family time (our parents wanted us have close bonds) and that’s a big reason why we’re still super close as busy adults. Holidays were always special. That carried into adulthood, we’re all close as siblings thanks to our parents, our kids love their cousins and every year all of us — siblings, spouses, and kids still make sure to go on vacation together. My parents now have 47 grandchildren whom they adore and sometimes say they love more than us..I don’t have anything bad to say about it.

9 girls??

How many more kids are you planning on having?

Yes — they had six girls in a row, from #3 through #9. As for us, we’re not sure yet how many more we’ll have, maybe two or three.

[Anonymous]

NP. I came from a family of six and knew I didn’t ever want that. So, I wasn’t overwhelmed with two. I just knew I was happy with two.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP might be rage bait but I have wondered this.

I only have two kids but haven’t felt overwhelmed. I have two neighbors, one a SAHM, with only children and they constantly talk about how busy and stressed they are. I think you see life through your own lens and certain outlooks encourage those feelings of stress and overwhelm.

Or, perhaps, people are actually different and are living entirely different lives than you! I know, it sounds crazy!

Did you know that some women experience more pain, more bleeding, longer cycles, etc. during their periods than other women?! I’m sure some of you who are blessed with regular cycles, average flow, and mild cramps that last last half a day assume your sisters are drama llamas or just not as tough or looking at life through the wrong lens when they experience debilitating symptoms approximately once a month…

So, these ladies have a hard time with the basics of life because of their periods? That’s a lot of projecting but okay. Perhaps.

It’s an analogy you imbecile.

Imbecile?

Some people get frazzled more easily than others. Or, triggered more easily than others. Much of this is genetic. Whether it’s from perimenopause or anything else like that, some people have less of an ability to handle stress and always have less of an ability to handle stress. That’s what I’m talking about here. I’m not talking about who are going through a tough time that will pass, such as ill parents, plus moody teens, work layoffs, plus any other crappy things that happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you a SAHM?

Op here - no I work full time. And yes I realize for the most part my kids are easy but kids, especially newborns through toddler years are all sort of the same. They demand a lot and are physically taxing.

Again I would never say this out loud (hence the anonymous board post) but I still think. I have done solo trips and outings with my kids since they were babies.

No, newborn and toddlers are not all the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP might be rage bait but I have wondered this.

I only have two kids but haven’t felt overwhelmed. I have two neighbors, one a SAHM, with only children and they constantly talk about how busy and stressed they are. I think you see life through your own lens and certain outlooks encourage those feelings of stress and overwhelm.

Or, perhaps, people are actually different and are living entirely different lives than you! I know, it sounds crazy!

Did you know that some women experience more pain, more bleeding, longer cycles, etc. during their periods than other women?! I’m sure some of you who are blessed with regular cycles, average flow, and mild cramps that last last half a day assume your sisters are drama llamas or just not as tough or looking at life through the wrong lens when they experience debilitating symptoms approximately once a month…

So, these ladies have a hard time with the basics of life because of their periods? That’s a lot of projecting but okay. Perhaps.

It’s an analogy you imbecile.

Imbecile?

Some people get frazzled more easily than others. Or, triggered more easily than others. Much of this is genetic. Whether it’s from perimenopause or anything else like that, some people have less of an ability to handle stress and always have less of an ability to handle stress. That’s what I’m talking about here. I’m not talking about who are going through a tough time that will pass, such as ill parents, plus moody teens, work layoffs, plus any other crappy things that happen.

This follow up continues to miss the point, despite having had the point gift wrapped and placed gently into your hands…

So… yes, you are a complete imbecile.

[Anonymous]

Op, you aren’t giving enough time to each kid or to your kids as a whole. They will likely be fine but will likely not reach their full potential.
You clearly don’t know your kids very well and they likely feel distant from you.
If it’s easy, you aren’t doing enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how it can be so difficult with just one or two kid. I have 3 and at one point had a newborn, 3 year old and 4 year old. I did 75% of things solo when DH was in the office.

Every time one of my kids is at a playdate or with friends and I only have 2 kids it feels like I have all this extra time and it’s so easy.

I feel bad and would never vocalize this since most of my friends have only 1 or 2 kids but whenever they complain at how hard it is I am always so confused. I don’t find 3 very difficult either and have always wanted more but that probably won’t happen.

One kid on the spectrum is as much work as three normal kids. Mind your beeswax.

[Anonymous]

Meh. I have a brother who has 6 kids.

When they only have 3 kids at home it feels like a vacation, so they’re probably wondering what you’re complaining about. 3 kids is easy! Even 4 isn’t hard. You’ve only had 3 pregnancies, that sounds super easy too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

ICK

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how it can be so difficult with just one or two kid. I have 3 and at one point had a newborn, 3 year old and 4 year old. I did 75% of things solo when DH was in the office.

Every time one of my kids is at a playdate or with friends and I only have 2 kids it feels like I have all this extra time and it’s so easy.

I feel bad and would never vocalize this since most of my friends have only 1 or 2 kids but whenever they complain at how hard it is I am always so confused. I don’t find 3 very difficult either and have always wanted more but that probably won’t happen.

I agree OP same with me.
DH traveled Monday -Friday the first 15 years of our marriage.

My sister both have one and it is always complain about how hard it is....

And I worked full time.

To be fair, I have three kids. My third is 5 yrs younger than the middle. Often I have the third alone for long stretches of time when the older kids are at sleepaway camp or sports tournaments. I find parenting one child harder than three. Once you have three, they start entertaining each other, freeing you up to do whatever it is you want or need to do. A single child wants a lot more parent involvement and interaction from you.

This totally tracks for me. I’m a mom to an only, but grew up with a sister. My mom always said kids are easy, but she never played with us. My sister watched me and we always had each other for entertainment. The hardest part with my only is having to constantly engage in the kid games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Yikes. WHY?

We’re religious.

You can still practice religion with fewer kids.

Yes, but we can afford having a lot of kids so why not.

Both of my parents are among the youngest kids in huge Catholic families (7+ kids). They both experienced a ton of parental neglect that came home to roost when they became parents. Older siblings are not good substitutes for actual parents, as they are children themselves. They often reinforce childish beliefs and fears, can be emotionally abusive because they aren't mature enough to be parenting, etc. My parents would have been much better off with real love and guidance from their actual parents, but they barely knew them. Yes they have some find memories of very full houses, big and boisterous family dinners, and have some great and close relationships with siblings. But the were not sufficiently *parented*. Kids from smaller families, IMO, tend to be more emotionally mature and developed, have a better sense of themselves and their role, have deeper and more reliable self confidence. Kids from very large families seem needy, because they are needy --they needed things growing up that they simply never got.

I also come from a big family (13 children) and didn’t experience any neglect. Our kids do get 1-1 time and our older kids don’t help parent at all.

Extra large families are super fascinating to me.. what was that like growing up? What’s the dynamic like now that you’re all adults?

Parents have 9 daughters and 4 sons. We were well off and lived in a house that ran on structure: set routines, and a lot of systems just to keep things functioning. We all went to private school, college was paid for, and had set extracurriculars. No one was left behind and we were all able to do what we were passionate about. We did have household help. Routines were apart of everything — school, activities, etc. We always knew what to expect, and it wasn’t the chaos that usually comes with so many kids. What really stands out looking back are Sundays and holidays. Those are our favorite memories. Sundays included — everyone home, long dinners, it was always the same, and this is something we do with our kids now.

We always had set family time (our parents wanted us have close bonds) and that’s a big reason why we’re still super close as busy adults. Holidays were always special. That carried into adulthood, we’re all close as siblings thanks to our parents, our kids love their cousins and every year all of us — siblings, spouses, and kids still make sure to go on vacation together. My parents now have 47 grandchildren whom they adore and sometimes say they love more than us..I don’t have anything bad to say about it.

Your parents weren't parenting, the help, siblings were and kids were on their own. Wanting kids to have close bonds is code for I am not doing all this parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Yikes. WHY?

We’re religious.

You can still practice religion with fewer kids.

Yes, but we can afford having a lot of kids so why not.

Both of my parents are among the youngest kids in huge Catholic families (7+ kids). They both experienced a ton of parental neglect that came home to roost when they became parents. Older siblings are not good substitutes for actual parents, as they are children themselves. They often reinforce childish beliefs and fears, can be emotionally abusive because they aren't mature enough to be parenting, etc. My parents would have been much better off with real love and guidance from their actual parents, but they barely knew them. Yes they have some find memories of very full houses, big and boisterous family dinners, and have some great and close relationships with siblings. But the were not sufficiently *parented*. Kids from smaller families, IMO, tend to be more emotionally mature and developed, have a better sense of themselves and their role, have deeper and more reliable self confidence. Kids from very large families seem needy, because they are needy --they needed things growing up that they simply never got.

I also come from a big family (13 children) and didn’t experience any neglect. Our kids do get 1-1 time and our older kids don’t help parent at all.

Extra large families are super fascinating to me.. what was that like growing up? What’s the dynamic like now that you’re all adults?

Parents have 9 daughters and 4 sons. We were well off and lived in a house that ran on structure: set routines, and a lot of systems just to keep things functioning. We all went to private school, college was paid for, and had set extracurriculars. No one was left behind and we were all able to do what we were passionate about. We did have household help. Routines were apart of everything — school, activities, etc. We always knew what to expect, and it wasn’t the chaos that usually comes with so many kids. What really stands out looking back are Sundays and holidays. Those are our favorite memories. Sundays included — everyone home, long dinners, it was always the same, and this is something we do with our kids now.

We always had set family time (our parents wanted us have close bonds) and that’s a big reason why we’re still super close as busy adults. Holidays were always special. That carried into adulthood, we’re all close as siblings thanks to our parents, our kids love their cousins and every year all of us — siblings, spouses, and kids still make sure to go on vacation together. My parents now have 47 grandchildren whom they adore and sometimes say they love more than us..I don’t have anything bad to say about it.

Curious how old you were and where you grew up and how on earth your parents paid for all of this.

I grew up in the 80s and 90s as one of two kids and had two working parents with white collar jobs and we still were barely making it by in order for them to save for college for us and we didn’t have any hired help ever. I can’t imagine having a 3rd sibling given the sacrifices we were already making, let alone 10 more. Private school and college for everyone, too?! Wow.

I’m in my mid-30s and we grew up here in the DC area. Both of my parents are originally from old, established families in the Northeast with significant generational wealth. There were family businesses and trusts that made it all possible. It’s not a typical situation.

Damn, certainly not. I think most of us could handle more kids if we had generational wealth and family businesses to ease the pressure of finances, employment, and savings.

You inadvertently raise a good point, which is that so many of the challenges of multiple kids could easily be alleviates if some of the external stressors were eliminated. Yes, some kids are just hard and would be even if someone was filthy rich. But for the most part people who struggle with the kids they have do so because it is hard to balance full time employment, housing, savings, retirement planning, and college savings while also raising a child to be an independent adult. Add occasional job loss or older parents needing help or an inability to move to a larger house or afford a better school district, and it’s a miracle anyone ever has more than 1 kid.

If you have housekeepers, cooks, drivers and nannies, you aren't exactly parenting so of course its easy as others are doing it for you.

Anyone who says its easy, take away all the help and do it all yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having 3 & 4 kids the hardest for me.

Now, I’m four months postpartum with #8 (other kids are 14,13,11,9,6,5,2) and it’s much easier.

Yikes. WHY?

We’re religious.

You can still practice religion with fewer kids.

Yes, but we can afford having a lot of kids so why not.

Both of my parents are among the youngest kids in huge Catholic families (7+ kids). They both experienced a ton of parental neglect that came home to roost when they became parents. Older siblings are not good substitutes for actual parents, as they are children themselves. They often reinforce childish beliefs and fears, can be emotionally abusive because they aren't mature enough to be parenting, etc. My parents would have been much better off with real love and guidance from their actual parents, but they barely knew them. Yes they have some find memories of very full houses, big and boisterous family dinners, and have some great and close relationships with siblings. But the were not sufficiently *parented*. Kids from smaller families, IMO, tend to be more emotionally mature and developed, have a better sense of themselves and their role, have deeper and more reliable self confidence. Kids from very large families seem needy, because they are needy --they needed things growing up that they simply never got.

I also come from a big family (13 children) and didn’t experience any neglect. Our kids do get 1-1 time and our older kids don’t help parent at all.

Extra large families are super fascinating to me.. what was that like growing up? What’s the dynamic like now that you’re all adults?

Parents have 9 daughters and 4 sons. We were well off and lived in a house that ran on structure: set routines, and a lot of systems just to keep things functioning. We all went to private school, college was paid for, and had set extracurriculars. No one was left behind and we were all able to do what we were passionate about. We did have household help. Routines were apart of everything — school, activities, etc. We always knew what to expect, and it wasn’t the chaos that usually comes with so many kids. What really stands out looking back are Sundays and holidays. Those are our favorite memories. Sundays included — everyone home, long dinners, it was always the same, and this is something we do with our kids now.

We always had set family time (our parents wanted us have close bonds) and that’s a big reason why we’re still super close as busy adults. Holidays were always special. That carried into adulthood, we’re all close as siblings thanks to our parents, our kids love their cousins and every year all of us — siblings, spouses, and kids still make sure to go on vacation together. My parents now have 47 grandchildren whom they adore and sometimes say they love more than us..I don’t have anything bad to say about it.

Your parents weren't parenting, the help, siblings were and kids were on their own. Wanting kids to have close bonds is code for I am not doing all this parenting.

Well looks like her parents have almost 50 grandkids, and kids are all grown, they survived, so it all worked out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you aren’t giving enough time to each kid or to your kids as a whole. They will likely be fine but will likely not reach their full potential.
You clearly don’t know your kids very well and they likely feel distant from you.
If it’s easy, you aren’t doing enough.

Since when did only having one or two children allow you to ensure they reach their full potential? This assumes that every parent has the same capacity - physically, temperamentally, emotionally, and the same resources to draw on both from family and community as well as financially. It also assumes there is nothing materially beneficial about sibling relationships, such as the fact they may be protective or offer other benefits.

I’ve missed your other posts as I haven’t followed the discussion, but I’m sure your “theory” about helping your children self actualize by only having one child, or whatever the magic number is, reinforces all of your choices.