19 year gap - Will everything be okay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

My dad and my MIL had drastically declined by 70. Dad died at 74 almost completely blind and suffering from dementia. MIL has been practically bedridden since 72. FIL couldn't fly by 72.

Someone at work got diagnosed with dementia at 64.

These things don't always happen but they are not that rare.

This--not rare. Or, temporary (but not necessarily brief) incapacity due to an illness or surgery is very, very common. It's not that the person is necessarily totally dependent, but they're pretty dependent and ill enough that life with them isn't much fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my 40s and have two friends who did this, both now divorced. I remember when they were getting married not one of us said anything negative to their faces, though we freaked out about it to each other. And everything we anticipated came true.

But to their faces, we just wanted to be "good friends" and were supportive. And people do need to learn these things themselves.

I think this anonymous forum can be a gift to you.

The same thing happened with my friend. Once her husband started getting sick, his adult children, who had never been nice to her, became even more difficult to deal with. It was clear that a fight over the estate was aldo brewing. So, she visited an attorney who advised got a divorce. From a purely financial perspective, she was going to get more out of a divorce than his estate plan. And deal dealing with his kids had always been misera for her. I don't think it was ever a happy marriage, so no one was surprised when she chose to leave once he fell ill.

Also want to ask echo what another poster said about being 27 it’s the best time in your life go date another hot 27-year-old travel the world and be careful free. You’ll never get your youth, beauty, health and vitality back like now, and you are foolish to waste on an older man who was already saddled with first marriage baggage. What many of us wouldn’t give to be 27 again and carefree!

OP, as much as I agree that you shouldn't marry this man, do not be "carefree" at 27. The time for being carefree is gone. This is how you end up with a dud DH. Dump this guy and date with the purpose of finding someone suitable for marriage and raising kids. Many of the PPs have no idea what love is as you can see from all the threads complaining about how incapable their DHs are.

Find a man who will make a great father and life partner. You have to be intentional to find that. Hotness should be very low on your list. Look for someone with great character, empathy and vision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What kind of family and friends do you all have that everyone 65 plus is an invalid requiring full time caregiving?

I don't know any 65 year olds who are dependent on their spouse and unable to care for themselves.

Lots of ageism in this thread!

Nobody on this thread suggested anything like the bolded, which is a stupid overgeneralization. But there's a big biological shift that happens around age 60 that makes people more susceptible to a variety of chronic and acute diseases which could require significant care, the likelihood of which progressively increases from there. These include metabolic syndrome, cardiovascular issues, kidney disease, and a susceptibility to flu or other viral illnesses that could result in long term health issues. And of course, there are cancers and dementia risks. This is also the age when genetic predispositions and habits really affect quality of life.

Not that my anecdote or yours matter much, but FWIW, my aunt is only 10 years younger than my uncle, and she has been a caregiver for both him and her 90 year old mother (who both live with her) for over a decade now. It has taken a big toll on her own health, and she looks mid-70s instead of 62. This is such a common scenario that it's not really noteworthy.

https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2024/08/massive-biomolecular-shifts-occur-in-our-40s-and-60s--stanford-m.html

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The trouble with the plan to divorce him when he's old and sick is-- he's going to be OP's children's father. Can she really do that and look her children in the eye? And if she does, it's her children with him who will have to step up and care for him as young adults, because his first batch of kids will be busy with their own families and maybe pretty alienated by that point.

+1.

This is a terrible plan. And divorcing him might not relieve her from being his caregiver. As PP rightly noted, he will be her children's father. Look at how The Grey's anatomy actor's almost ex wife is taking care of him as he has struggling with ALS. She has had to rearrange her life to be there for him and the kids even though they were in the process of getting a divorce before he was diagnosed. Look at Demi Moore's current relationship with her Bruce Willis now that he is struggling with illness.

Once you have children with someone, you are tied for life - they are always a part of your family. This is even more so in age gap relationships, because the children might be young enough to need help in taking care of parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble with the plan to divorce him when he's old and sick is-- he's going to be OP's children's father. Can she really do that and look her children in the eye? And if she does, it's her children with him who will have to step up and care for him as young adults, because his first batch of kids will be busy with their own families and maybe pretty alienated by that point.

+1.

This is a terrible plan. And divorcing him might not relieve her from being his caregiver. As PP rightly noted, he will be her children's father. Look at how The Grey's anatomy actor's almost ex wife is taking care of him as he has struggling with ALS. She has had to rearrange her life to be there for him and the kids even though they were in the process of getting a divorce before he was diagnosed. Look at Demi Moore's current relationship with her Bruce Willis now that he is struggling with illness.

Once you have children with someone, you are tied for life - they are always a part of your family. This is even more so in age gap relationships, because the children might be young enough to need help in taking care of parents.

I think OP’s children would actually be too young to fill that role and it'd have to fall back to his older kids. Aren't they teens now? My inlaws are divorced and my mother-in-law does still do a lot for my father-in-law to protect their kids from having to deal with him, but it’s clear she’s happy to be able to go home to her own place and any help she gives him is gratuitous not expected. They are the same age and only have kids together. The dynamic is going to be so much different with step kids. Many women will not feel the same need to protect their stepkids from the challenges of caring for their father and their own kids are too young to do it. And people don’t usually get divorced that late in life without good reason, like they have years of resentment that leads them to the point where they can no longer stand each other anymore.

[Anonymous]

I understand that you think you are too mature for men your own age. But there is a huge dating pool for you right now, filled with non-divorced men who want marriage and kids. Lots of them in their early 30s. Why not look there?

[Anonymous]

19 years gap, ex wife, 2 teen kids. Are you sure op you want to get into all this? How long have you been together? Have you met the kids? How soon would he want a kid with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble with the plan to divorce him when he's old and sick is-- he's going to be OP's children's father. Can she really do that and look her children in the eye? And if she does, it's her children with him who will have to step up and care for him as young adults, because his first batch of kids will be busy with their own families and maybe pretty alienated by that point.

+1.

This is a terrible plan. And divorcing him might not relieve her from being his caregiver. As PP rightly noted, he will be her children's father. Look at how The Grey's anatomy actor's almost ex wife is taking care of him as he has struggling with ALS. She has had to rearrange her life to be there for him and the kids even though they were in the process of getting a divorce before he was diagnosed. Look at Demi Moore's current relationship with her Bruce Willis now that he is struggling with illness.

Once you have children with someone, you are tied for life - they are always a part of your family. This is even more so in age gap relationships, because the children might be young enough to need help in taking care of parents.

I think OP’s children would actually be too young to fill that role and it'd have to fall back to his older kids. Aren't they teens now? My inlaws are divorced and my mother-in-law does still do a lot for my father-in-law to protect their kids from having to deal with him, but it’s clear she’s happy to be able to go home to her own place and any help she gives him is gratuitous not expected. They are the same age and only have kids together. The dynamic is going to be so much different with step kids. Many women will not feel the same need to protect their stepkids from the challenges of caring for their father and their own kids are too young to do it. And people don’t usually get divorced that late in life without good reason, like they have years of resentment that leads them to the point where they can no longer stand each other anymore.

No. He's 46 now and they aren't married or expecting yet. So he'd be 50 or more by the time OP has had two kids. So the younger set will be about 20-25 when he hits 70 and health problems become much more likely. His own kids will be around 40 years old and they'll be married and have elementary or middle school aged kids of their own. The younger set will be old enough to deal with it and not yet burdened with their own kids, and their mother will be more able to convince/coerce them into doing it.

[Anonymous]

OP: I’m mostly wanting to not marry him. Age isn’t the issue for me ( I don’t think I’m too mature for guys my own age, I just like more mature guys) and it’s not about the money—I'm genuinely attracted to the fact that he's emotionally older and I’d still be interested in him even if he didn’t have wealth though.

But, My family is not happy, and my mom isn’t talking to me as much since I told them around Thanksgiving about this. After I recently told my mom & dad about his plans to marry and have a baby with me, they were a little disappointed and think that him being divorced already is a big problem. They wanted me to say no right away, said I was stupid for even considering it, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is.

My biggest concern & the main reason I’m leaning towards not marrying him, aside from his health, is that I’m not very enthusiastic about being a stepmom. I’m just not very excited about that role. I don’t have any issue with the having stepkids part but I don’t want my kids to have to share a dad with his adult children and grow up with that, and the dynamic that comes with a blended family makes me feel uneasy.

[Anonymous]

No, nothing will be ok. First, he is leftovers, second, he is old, third, he is not a billionaire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m mostly wanting to not marry him. Age isn’t the issue for me ( I don’t think I’m too mature for guys my own age, I just like more mature guys) and it’s not about the money—I'm genuinely attracted to the fact that he's emotionally older and I’d still be interested in him even if he didn’t have wealth though.

But, My family is not happy, and my mom isn’t talking to me as much since I told them around Thanksgiving about this. After I recently told my mom & dad about his plans to marry and have a baby with me, they were a little disappointed and think that him being divorced already is a big problem. They wanted me to say no right away, said I was stupid for even considering it, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is.

My biggest concern & the main reason I’m leaning towards not marrying him, aside from his health, is that I’m not very enthusiastic about being a stepmom. I’m just not very excited about that role. I don’t have any issue with the having stepkids part but I don’t want my kids to have to share a dad with his adult children and grow up with that, and the dynamic that comes with a blended family makes me feel uneasy.

Listen to your parents, they love you and have perspective. Also, becoming a new stepmom to two teens sounds like a hellish way to start a first marriage as a 20 something. Break it of now and you will probably have a new relationship within 6 months.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP: I’m mostly wanting to not marry him. Age isn’t the issue for me ( I don’t think I’m too mature for guys my own age, I just like more mature guys) and it’s not about the money—I'm genuinely attracted to the fact that he's emotionally older and I’d still be interested in him even if he didn’t have wealth though.

But, My family is not happy, and my mom isn’t talking to me as much since I told them around Thanksgiving about this. After I recently told my mom & dad about his plans to marry and have a baby with me, they were a little disappointed and think that him being divorced already is a big problem. They wanted me to say no right away, said I was stupid for even considering it, but I don’t see it that way. I’ve dated guys who’ve had even more money than he does, so money isn’t why I’m attracted to him, I just like who he is.

My biggest concern & the main reason I’m leaning towards not marrying him, aside from his health, is that I’m not very enthusiastic about being a stepmom. I’m just not very excited about that role. I don’t have any issue with the having stepkids part but I don’t want my kids to have to share a dad with his adult children and grow up with that, and the dynamic that comes with a blended family makes me feel uneasy.

To the bolded: as it should. Don't do it, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble with the plan to divorce him when he's old and sick is-- he's going to be OP's children's father. Can she really do that and look her children in the eye? And if she does, it's her children with him who will have to step up and care for him as young adults, because his first batch of kids will be busy with their own families and maybe pretty alienated by that point.

+1.

This is a terrible plan. And divorcing him might not relieve her from being his caregiver. As PP rightly noted, he will be her children's father. Look at how The Grey's anatomy actor's almost ex wife is taking care of him as he has struggling with ALS. She has had to rearrange her life to be there for him and the kids even though they were in the process of getting a divorce before he was diagnosed. Look at Demi Moore's current relationship with her Bruce Willis now that he is struggling with illness.

Once you have children with someone, you are tied for life - they are always a part of your family. This is even more so in age gap relationships, because the children might be young enough to need help in taking care of parents.

I think OP’s children would actually be too young to fill that role and it'd have to fall back to his older kids. Aren't they teens now? My inlaws are divorced and my mother-in-law does still do a lot for my father-in-law to protect their kids from having to deal with him, but it’s clear she’s happy to be able to go home to her own place and any help she gives him is gratuitous not expected. They are the same age and only have kids together. The dynamic is going to be so much different with step kids. Many women will not feel the same need to protect their stepkids from the challenges of caring for their father and their own kids are too young to do it. And people don’t usually get divorced that late in life without good reason, like they have years of resentment that leads them to the point where they can no longer stand each other anymore.

No. He's 46 now and they aren't married or expecting yet. So he'd be 50 or more by the time OP has had two kids. So the younger set will be about 20-25 when he hits 70 and health problems become much more likely. His own kids will be around 40 years old and they'll be married and have elementary or middle school aged kids of their own. The younger set will be old enough to deal with it and not yet burdened with their own kids, and their mother will be more able to convince/coerce them into doing it.

yeah, but if their mother divorces him, she’s not gonna encourage her kids to be his caretaker. It will fall on the 40 somethings. I’m around enough 20 somethings at work to know that they’re not taking care of anyone. They are all about themselves at that age. Plus, he probably wouldn’t accept help from a kid in their 20s. He’d expected from the 40-year-olds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The trouble with the plan to divorce him when he's old and sick is-- he's going to be OP's children's father. Can she really do that and look her children in the eye? And if she does, it's her children with him who will have to step up and care for him as young adults, because his first batch of kids will be busy with their own families and maybe pretty alienated by that point.

+1.

This is a terrible plan. And divorcing him might not relieve her from being his caregiver. As PP rightly noted, he will be her children's father. Look at how The Grey's anatomy actor's almost ex wife is taking care of him as he has struggling with ALS. She has had to rearrange her life to be there for him and the kids even though they were in the process of getting a divorce before he was diagnosed. Look at Demi Moore's current relationship with her Bruce Willis now that he is struggling with illness.

Once you have children with someone, you are tied for life - they are always a part of your family. This is even more so in age gap relationships, because the children might be young enough to need help in taking care of parents.

I think OP’s children would actually be too young to fill that role and it'd have to fall back to his older kids. Aren't they teens now? My inlaws are divorced and my mother-in-law does still do a lot for my father-in-law to protect their kids from having to deal with him, but it’s clear she’s happy to be able to go home to her own place and any help she gives him is gratuitous not expected. They are the same age and only have kids together. The dynamic is going to be so much different with step kids. Many women will not feel the same need to protect their stepkids from the challenges of caring for their father and their own kids are too young to do it. And people don’t usually get divorced that late in life without good reason, like they have years of resentment that leads them to the point where they can no longer stand each other anymore.

No. He's 46 now and they aren't married or expecting yet. So he'd be 50 or more by the time OP has had two kids. So the younger set will be about 20-25 when he hits 70 and health problems become much more likely. His own kids will be around 40 years old and they'll be married and have elementary or middle school aged kids of their own. The younger set will be old enough to deal with it and not yet burdened with their own kids, and their mother will be more able to convince/coerce them into doing it.

yeah, but if their mother divorces him, she’s not gonna encourage her kids to be his caretaker. It will fall on the 40 somethings. I’m around enough 20 somethings at work to know that they’re not taking care of anyone. They are all about themselves at that age. Plus, he probably wouldn’t accept help from a kid in their 20s. He’d expected from the 40-year-olds.

He can expect whatever he wants, but if he and his new wife don't maintain a strong relationship with the first set of kids, he won't get much from them. They know perfectly well that OP and her kids are walking off with what would have been theirs.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine being 27 and having options, and throwing it away for some old man with all this baggage. Ugh. OP, you'll have no one to blame but yourself when this blows up in your face.