The insanity of 1%er East Coast parents and college

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a client with a net worth of $20MM+. Client was crazy worried about his DC's university and career prospects. I asked why worry (given the net worth). Client responded that the $20MM can vanish in a heartbeat.

However, realistically, a Harvard degree's worth is more likely to vanish in heartbeat (because of drugs, mental breakdown, lack of ambition).

OP here. It actually makes sense to me that a wealthy person would want their kid to study hard and have a good career. Work is essential to mental health and yes, $20MM can be wasted. But that kid could be happy with a teaching degree from a state school as much as an MBA and I banking career.

Give your kids enough so they can do anything, but not so much that they'll do nothing. -paraphrasing Warren Buffett

This includes the opportunities and resources you give them while they are growing.

There is such a thing as having too much opportunity. It burns the striver out of your children because they have been served a conveyor belt of never ending opportunity.

That is the exact attitude our friends and ourselves have. So far all of our kids are excelling. What it does do is open the door for choosing a career that is "typically lower paying" but something they love. And knowing that parents can help supplement if needed. But only 1 kid (out of 10+ families) chose that. Because many of our kids naturally have STEM inclinations (at least 1 parent in all the families are Techies---in my case we are both techies). So for my kid whose favorite classes were always Math and science, it is logical they picked Engineering as a major (and are doing well)---they would be miserable in a humanities major and/or career.
Other kid isn't as much STEM, but has good math talent and chose business/finance. Because they would also be miserable in a humanities major. Ironically, they became a great writer in college and are now the "writer on their team" at a Tech/Healthcare company, but most of job is tech focused.

Nerds beget nerds.
And even the non-nerdy ones are actually nerds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would secretly be upset if my child went to a state school. I would not openly freak out like OP is saying.

Your kid is non secretly upset with your parenting.

Actually my child has already said he does not want to go to UVA. He absolutely would also be upset if he did not get into a T10 school. I know how competitive it is so I’m trying to make him feel like he should be proud and happy to go to UVA.

you somehow raised a really judgmental and status obsessed kid. Unfortunate.

If you had a high stat motivated kid who has worked hard his entire life and shooting for the ivies, you and he would also be unhappy ending up at UVA.

No, because I have the perspective to know that the motivation and hard work will lead to great success, regardless of the name on the bachelor degree diploma, but especially when that name is from a still very good school like UVA. And my kid would know this too.

This is 100% true, the skills will lead to great success long after the 4 years, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say mine also would have been disappointed. Possibly the ones in the disappointed category are ones that want a smaller school and more geographic diversity than others who don’t mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

less access to money, to the “best” schools, SN involved … it runs the gamut. and to a certain extent yes, aptitude. The insane parents who can’t realize that in fact their kid is smart and hardworking and will be fine are annoying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

Why don’t you either 1. Stay away or 2. Put on your big girl pants and tell your friends you’d rather not talk about college applications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

less access to money, to the “best” schools, SN involved … it runs the gamut. and to a certain extent yes, aptitude. The insane parents who can’t realize that in fact their kid is smart and hardworking and will be fine are annoying.

Ok I think I get what the pp is saying. I have the high stat kid who wants to attend a T10 school. If another parent has a kid who has UVA or VT as their top choice and my kid is already in or doesn’t seem happy about it, I can see it coming off as obnoxious, smug and/or annoying.

I have a younger kid who just started to play basketball. He did not make a competitive team last year. When other parents would talk about which team their kid passed up or suggest a team that sucks when my kid tried out for that team and didn’t get selected, I thought the parents were obnoxious and annoying.

It is more about your own child’s inadequacies. If your kid is an average student and you can’t pay for private college at 90k per year, that doesnt necessarily mean the kid who is valedictorian and either has rich parents who can full pay to Stanford should not try everything in their power to get their kid into Stanford or Princeton bc that kid’s potential may be greater.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I had a client with a net worth of $20MM+. Client was crazy worried about his DC's university and career prospects. I asked why worry (given the net worth). Client responded that the $20MM can vanish in a heartbeat.

However, realistically, a Harvard degree's worth is more likely to vanish in heartbeat (because of drugs, mental breakdown, lack of ambition).

OP here. It actually makes sense to me that a wealthy person would want their kid to study hard and have a good career. Work is essential to mental health and yes, $20MM can be wasted. But that kid could be happy with a teaching degree from a state school as much as an MBA and I banking career.

Give your kids enough so they can do anything, but not so much that they'll do nothing. -paraphrasing Warren Buffett

This includes the opportunities and resources you give them while they are growing.

There is such a thing as having too much opportunity. It burns the striver out of your children because they have been served a conveyor belt of never ending opportunity.

That is the exact attitude our friends and ourselves have. So far all of our kids are excelling. What it does do is open the door for choosing a career that is "typically lower paying" but something they love. And knowing that parents can help supplement if needed. But only 1 kid (out of 10+ families) chose that. Because many of our kids naturally have STEM inclinations (at least 1 parent in all the families are Techies---in my case we are both techies). So for my kid whose favorite classes were always Math and science, it is logical they picked Engineering as a major (and are doing well)---they would be miserable in a humanities major and/or career.
Other kid isn't as much STEM, but has good math talent and chose business/finance. Because they would also be miserable in a humanities major. Ironically, they became a great writer in college and are now the "writer on their team" at a Tech/Healthcare company, but most of job is tech focused.

Nerds beget nerds.
And even the non-nerdy ones are actually nerds.

Troll---not all nerds. All currently high level execs (and one CEO) at a company. But kids whose parents are into technology and were STEM majors are likely to have kids who are also STEM talented (genetics is strong)---for most the kids are also interested in engineering or CS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

less access to money, to the “best” schools, SN involved … it runs the gamut. and to a certain extent yes, aptitude. The insane parents who can’t realize that in fact their kid is smart and hardworking and will be fine are annoying.

Ok I think I get what the pp is saying. I have the high stat kid who wants to attend a T10 school. If another parent has a kid who has UVA or VT as their top choice and my kid is already in or doesn’t seem happy about it, I can see it coming off as obnoxious, smug and/or annoying.

I have a younger kid who just started to play basketball. He did not make a competitive team last year. When other parents would talk about which team their kid passed up or suggest a team that sucks when my kid tried out for that team and didn’t get selected, I thought the parents were obnoxious and annoying.

It is more about your own child’s inadequacies. If your kid is an average student and you can’t pay for private college at 90k per year, that doesnt necessarily mean the kid who is valedictorian and either has rich parents who can full pay to Stanford should not try everything in their power to get their kid into Stanford or Princeton bc that kid’s potential may be greater.

No you’re still not getting it. Obviously you shouldn’t brag about your kid’s Ivy chances when you know the other family’s kid won’t get that close. If you actually had to be told that you’re even further behind on perspective and social skills than I thought.

no, the point is, your kid aiming for the T10 is going to be fine wherever they end up. because they are smart and focused and especially if you also make 7 figures. so acting like it’s the only possible successful outcome is venal, annoying, and shallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

less access to money, to the “best” schools, SN involved … it runs the gamut. and to a certain extent yes, aptitude. The insane parents who can’t realize that in fact their kid is smart and hardworking and will be fine are annoying.

Ok I think I get what the pp is saying. I have the high stat kid who wants to attend a T10 school. If another parent has a kid who has UVA or VT as their top choice and my kid is already in or doesn’t seem happy about it, I can see it coming off as obnoxious, smug and/or annoying.

I have a younger kid who just started to play basketball. He did not make a competitive team last year. When other parents would talk about which team their kid passed up or suggest a team that sucks when my kid tried out for that team and didn’t get selected, I thought the parents were obnoxious and annoying.

It is more about your own child’s inadequacies. If your kid is an average student and you can’t pay for private college at 90k per year, that doesnt necessarily mean the kid who is valedictorian and either has rich parents who can full pay to Stanford should not try everything in their power to get their kid into Stanford or Princeton bc that kid’s potential may be greater.

No you’re still not getting it. Obviously you shouldn’t brag about your kid’s Ivy chances when you know the other family’s kid won’t get that close. If you actually had to be told that you’re even further behind on perspective and social skills than I thought.

no, the point is, your kid aiming for the T10 is going to be fine wherever they end up. because they are smart and focused and especially if you also make 7 figures. so acting like it’s the only possible successful outcome is venal, annoying, and shallow.

I find this so bizarre. My kid is on the edge of being recruited for a sport. However, he is far from an elite athlete. We have a friend whose kid has a shot at the Olympics. Over the moon for this kid whose dedication, drive and talent have put him in this spot. My friend absolutely should “brag” to me about her kid and share the ups and downs of his journey with me if she wants. Even though my kid has zero chance to be at that level. Not sure why it matters at all. Support each kid and person at what they want. Why is this so hard?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

Says who? The “problem” with these kids is that they are so privileged that they don’t have any real problems in life. They have money. They have supportive families. And they have good enough intelligence to be in contention for a selective school. I would rather they have something they are working towards rather than spend all their money on drugs and parties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

less access to money, to the “best” schools, SN involved … it runs the gamut. and to a certain extent yes, aptitude. The insane parents who can’t realize that in fact their kid is smart and hardworking and will be fine are annoying.

Ok I think I get what the pp is saying. I have the high stat kid who wants to attend a T10 school. If another parent has a kid who has UVA or VT as their top choice and my kid is already in or doesn’t seem happy about it, I can see it coming off as obnoxious, smug and/or annoying.

I have a younger kid who just started to play basketball. He did not make a competitive team last year. When other parents would talk about which team their kid passed up or suggest a team that sucks when my kid tried out for that team and didn’t get selected, I thought the parents were obnoxious and annoying.

It is more about your own child’s inadequacies. If your kid is an average student and you can’t pay for private college at 90k per year, that doesnt necessarily mean the kid who is valedictorian and either has rich parents who can full pay to Stanford should not try everything in their power to get their kid into Stanford or Princeton bc that kid’s potential may be greater.

No you’re still not getting it. Obviously you shouldn’t brag about your kid’s Ivy chances when you know the other family’s kid won’t get that close. If you actually had to be told that you’re even further behind on perspective and social skills than I thought.

no, the point is, your kid aiming for the T10 is going to be fine wherever they end up. because they are smart and focused and especially if you also make 7 figures. so acting like it’s the only possible successful outcome is venal, annoying, and shallow.

Add me to those "not getting it" then. I agree with PP, it is tough when people brag, but if it is a friend who has a kid who has a realistic shot at T10/ivy and the parent is super nervous it won't work out, what is so hard about supporting that friend in their worry, whether or not there are other colleges that are "fine" and the kid will be "fine" at UVA or some other non-T10. Of course they will, and the friend will come to accept it if that happens, but of course they also want the best option for their kid. There can be strong fit preferences and favorites that all happen to be in that T10-15 type range. The undergrad size/peer quality/class size/availability of grad level courses as early as sophomore year does not necessarily exist in the "perfect" mix at other places. Just like if I had a friend who really wanted a northeast LAC with a specific peer mix: they would be "fine" at W&L but would be disappointed, understandably, if the top 5 in the NE did not work out. I have and will continue to support friends as they worry their kid will be disappointed or not find their people at schools not in their preferred group, whatever that is for that student. Students are most successful where they think they fit and that is different for all. For the kid who is sure the top schools are best for them, and maybe they are right, of course there is risk of huge disappointment given how hard acceptance is.
Why precisely does it make you so angry to have other parents very stressed over the college process? What about it makes it so hard for you to support a friend in their worry? Is it that you think they have $ privilege and that annoys you(many of my friends who did worry then kids got in to ivies are not rich at all by the way, and get some aid)? Is it that you think the kid does not deserve it(in my experience the students that clearly do not because they are rude or cheated often do not get in)? Or is it really that you just do not understand fit as a real issue? Sure you can make as much money from a lesser school, and can get into med or law from many schools. That is not often the point of these worried parents: they worry about fit for their kids, knowing that their kid will likely do best in a specific kind of environment. None that I have commiserated with have every mentioned being concerned Larlo will not make the same $.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

less access to money, to the “best” schools, SN involved … it runs the gamut. and to a certain extent yes, aptitude. The insane parents who can’t realize that in fact their kid is smart and hardworking and will be fine are annoying.

Ok I think I get what the pp is saying. I have the high stat kid who wants to attend a T10 school. If another parent has a kid who has UVA or VT as their top choice and my kid is already in or doesn’t seem happy about it, I can see it coming off as obnoxious, smug and/or annoying.

I have a younger kid who just started to play basketball. He did not make a competitive team last year. When other parents would talk about which team their kid passed up or suggest a team that sucks when my kid tried out for that team and didn’t get selected, I thought the parents were obnoxious and annoying.

It is more about your own child’s inadequacies. If your kid is an average student and you can’t pay for private college at 90k per year, that doesnt necessarily mean the kid who is valedictorian and either has rich parents who can full pay to Stanford should not try everything in their power to get their kid into Stanford or Princeton bc that kid’s potential may be greater.

No you’re still not getting it. Obviously you shouldn’t brag about your kid’s Ivy chances when you know the other family’s kid won’t get that close. If you actually had to be told that you’re even further behind on perspective and social skills than I thought.

no, the point is, your kid aiming for the T10 is going to be fine wherever they end up. because they are smart and focused and especially if you also make 7 figures. so acting like it’s the only possible successful outcome is venal, annoying, and shallow.

I find this so bizarre. My kid is on the edge of being recruited for a sport. However, he is far from an elite athlete. We have a friend whose kid has a shot at the Olympics. Over the moon for this kid whose dedication, drive and talent have put him in this spot. My friend absolutely should “brag” to me about her kid and share the ups and downs of his journey with me if she wants. Even though my kid has zero chance to be at that level. Not sure why it matters at all. Support each kid and person at what they want. Why is this so hard?

+++

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

less access to money, to the “best” schools, SN involved … it runs the gamut. and to a certain extent yes, aptitude. The insane parents who can’t realize that in fact their kid is smart and hardworking and will be fine are annoying.

Ok I think I get what the pp is saying. I have the high stat kid who wants to attend a T10 school. If another parent has a kid who has UVA or VT as their top choice and my kid is already in or doesn’t seem happy about it, I can see it coming off as obnoxious, smug and/or annoying.

I have a younger kid who just started to play basketball. He did not make a competitive team last year. When other parents would talk about which team their kid passed up or suggest a team that sucks when my kid tried out for that team and didn’t get selected, I thought the parents were obnoxious and annoying.

It is more about your own child’s inadequacies. If your kid is an average student and you can’t pay for private college at 90k per year, that doesnt necessarily mean the kid who is valedictorian and either has rich parents who can full pay to Stanford should not try everything in their power to get their kid into Stanford or Princeton bc that kid’s potential may be greater.

No you’re still not getting it. Obviously you shouldn’t brag about your kid’s Ivy chances when you know the other family’s kid won’t get that close. If you actually had to be told that you’re even further behind on perspective and social skills than I thought.

no, the point is, your kid aiming for the T10 is going to be fine wherever they end up. because they are smart and focused and especially if you also make 7 figures. so acting like it’s the only possible successful outcome is venal, annoying, and shallow.

Add me to those "not getting it" then. I agree with PP, it is tough when people brag, but if it is a friend who has a kid who has a realistic shot at T10/ivy and the parent is super nervous it won't work out, what is so hard about supporting that friend in their worry, whether or not there are other colleges that are "fine" and the kid will be "fine" at UVA or some other non-T10. Of course they will, and the friend will come to accept it if that happens, but of course they also want the best option for their kid. There can be strong fit preferences and favorites that all happen to be in that T10-15 type range. The undergrad size/peer quality/class size/availability of grad level courses as early as sophomore year does not necessarily exist in the "perfect" mix at other places. Just like if I had a friend who really wanted a northeast LAC with a specific peer mix: they would be "fine" at W&L but would be disappointed, understandably, if the top 5 in the NE did not work out. I have and will continue to support friends as they worry their kid will be disappointed or not find their people at schools not in their preferred group, whatever that is for that student. Students are most successful where they think they fit and that is different for all. For the kid who is sure the top schools are best for them, and maybe they are right, of course there is risk of huge disappointment given how hard acceptance is.
Why precisely does it make you so angry to have other parents very stressed over the college process? What about it makes it so hard for you to support a friend in their worry? Is it that you think they have $ privilege and that annoys you(many of my friends who did worry then kids got in to ivies are not rich at all by the way, and get some aid)? Is it that you think the kid does not deserve it(in my experience the students that clearly do not because they are rude or cheated often do not get in)? Or is it really that you just do not understand fit as a real issue? Sure you can make as much money from a lesser school, and can get into med or law from many schools. That is not often the point of these worried parents: they worry about fit for their kids, knowing that their kid will likely do best in a specific kind of environment. None that I have commiserated with have every mentioned being concerned Larlo will not make the same $.

Oh come on now. If your “good friend” is going on and on about how worried they are Larlo may be forced to settle for UVA, and meanwhile your kid’s best shot is GMU, that’s not going to be pleasant for long. Cheering your friend on when their kid gets into an Ivy? sure. But that’s very different from having to endure someone suggesting that the types of schools your kid is considering are the dregs of higher ed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would secretly be upset if my child went to a state school. I would not openly freak out like OP is saying.

Your kid is non secretly upset with your parenting.

Actually my child has already said he does not want to go to UVA. He absolutely would also be upset if he did not get into a T10 school. I know how competitive it is so I’m trying to make him feel like he should be proud and happy to go to UVA.

That was us last year. I would have been sad for them if they only got UVA, which was definitely a safety for tehm as a Val of a top school. That is a very common feeling among the top 10% at our private, other than the Wahoo diehards. Many see UVa as settling. Which it is, kind of, as 22-25% of the graduating class gets into UVA each year. Across town about 5-6% get into UVA and those top kids are "happier" with that outcome because it is rare. Uva in state is not a rare outcome at many schools including top privates and top publics. Kids want to get in rare places. That is human nature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you think this is limited to the 1% you have blinkers on.

True but the point is it’s most insane for the 1%ers.

NO. It is easier for 1%. The degree to which it is "most insane" is entirely a dynamic they magic out of their own neuroses and has absolutely ZERO to do with actual limitations on their options.

The 1%ers who choose to go the route of massive donations or spending enormous sums on private school/test prep/college advising/etc. in order to guarantee their kids entry into one of a very narrow range of schools are just being stupid. That's it. It's a stupid game akin to the billionaires who compete over who has the biggest yacht. Only worse because in this scenario their children are the yachts and their educations are being used in a d*ck-measuring contest. Gross. But not actually that hard to opt out of. Just don't.

We are in the top 1% or .5%. I grew up as a poor immigrant kid. I was equally focused, if not more, than my current high school student. Education was my ticket out of poverty. There was no back up plan. My rich kid can go to any school and will probably do fine.

Ambition and striving are popular to put down on DCUM. I wonder if this is what non ambitious say. I hear this in real life from adults who come from family money, but are unimpressive themselves or have unimpressive children. They call the achieving people strivers and look down on them.

I am proud of my achievements. I am proud of my children’s achievements.

No one has an issue with achievement. They have issues with the borderline mental breakdown-level of obsession with getting into certain institutions because those institutions are “elite” and convey “status.” And with the lack of perspective, especially amongst the parents who should know better, to understand that there are many, many successful people who didn’t go that route. Because ultimately it is just one small piece of the puzzle.

How do you know someone is having breakdown level obsession around getting into certain institutions? Honestly, it just reads like your own kids are not competitive, you gave up, some other parents and kids are still in the running and that equals mental breakdown. Nobody is breaking down about not getting into Harvard, ok. They will be upset for a few days if they expected it, then they will move on.

OP here. I posted this because I know a family literally claiming to be in crisis and falling apart over a kid who appears to be headed for a state college.

It’s in the moment. We all have dumb things we obsess over. Like you are mad at yourself for not getting a workout in. End of the world? No. But it can affect both your mood and your sense of self in the moment.

People who can worry about getting their kids into a T20 school seriously don’t have much to think about in the grand scheme of things. It’s natural for them to find something to hyper fixate on. Especially if you have the type of personality that has made you somewhat successful in life - that’s just how you process stuff. It’s fine.

it’s not actually fine though. It’s a horrible example for their kids, and it’s truly alienating for the less privileged who have to hear the ENDLESS WHINING

By that you mean the kids who didn't study as hard or didn't have supportive educational environments at home?

less access to money, to the “best” schools, SN involved … it runs the gamut. and to a certain extent yes, aptitude. The insane parents who can’t realize that in fact their kid is smart and hardworking and will be fine are annoying.

Ok I think I get what the pp is saying. I have the high stat kid who wants to attend a T10 school. If another parent has a kid who has UVA or VT as their top choice and my kid is already in or doesn’t seem happy about it, I can see it coming off as obnoxious, smug and/or annoying.

I have a younger kid who just started to play basketball. He did not make a competitive team last year. When other parents would talk about which team their kid passed up or suggest a team that sucks when my kid tried out for that team and didn’t get selected, I thought the parents were obnoxious and annoying.

It is more about your own child’s inadequacies. If your kid is an average student and you can’t pay for private college at 90k per year, that doesnt necessarily mean the kid who is valedictorian and either has rich parents who can full pay to Stanford should not try everything in their power to get their kid into Stanford or Princeton bc that kid’s potential may be greater.

No you’re still not getting it. Obviously you shouldn’t brag about your kid’s Ivy chances when you know the other family’s kid won’t get that close. If you actually had to be told that you’re even further behind on perspective and social skills than I thought.

no, the point is, your kid aiming for the T10 is going to be fine wherever they end up. because they are smart and focused and especially if you also make 7 figures. so acting like it’s the only possible successful outcome is venal, annoying, and shallow.

Add me to those "not getting it" then. I agree with PP, it is tough when people brag, but if it is a friend who has a kid who has a realistic shot at T10/ivy and the parent is super nervous it won't work out, what is so hard about supporting that friend in their worry, whether or not there are other colleges that are "fine" and the kid will be "fine" at UVA or some other non-T10. Of course they will, and the friend will come to accept it if that happens, but of course they also want the best option for their kid. There can be strong fit preferences and favorites that all happen to be in that T10-15 type range. The undergrad size/peer quality/class size/availability of grad level courses as early as sophomore year does not necessarily exist in the "perfect" mix at other places. Just like if I had a friend who really wanted a northeast LAC with a specific peer mix: they would be "fine" at W&L but would be disappointed, understandably, if the top 5 in the NE did not work out. I have and will continue to support friends as they worry their kid will be disappointed or not find their people at schools not in their preferred group, whatever that is for that student. Students are most successful where they think they fit and that is different for all. For the kid who is sure the top schools are best for them, and maybe they are right, of course there is risk of huge disappointment given how hard acceptance is.
Why precisely does it make you so angry to have other parents very stressed over the college process? What about it makes it so hard for you to support a friend in their worry? Is it that you think they have $ privilege and that annoys you(many of my friends who did worry then kids got in to ivies are not rich at all by the way, and get some aid)? Is it that you think the kid does not deserve it(in my experience the students that clearly do not because they are rude or cheated often do not get in)? Or is it really that you just do not understand fit as a real issue? Sure you can make as much money from a lesser school, and can get into med or law from many schools. That is not often the point of these worried parents: they worry about fit for their kids, knowing that their kid will likely do best in a specific kind of environment. None that I have commiserated with have every mentioned being concerned Larlo will not make the same $.

Oh come on now. If your “good friend” is going on and on about how worried they are Larlo may be forced to settle for UVA, and meanwhile your kid’s best shot is GMU, that’s not going to be pleasant for long. Cheering your friend on when their kid gets into an Ivy? sure. But that’s very different from having to endure someone suggesting that the types of schools your kid is considering are the dregs of higher ed.

Maybe I have better relationships with friends. They have never said or implied my kid's ED is "the dregs", and they were on pins and needles for my kid just as I have been for theirs. Our group supports each other. Everyone feels welcome to share the stress of it all. It is a basic understanding of fit and that we all wish each others' kids to get in to whatever their favorite schools are. Plain and simple. One was UGA, one was W&M, some were T10s. Real friends support each other.