I hate where we live.

[Anonymous]

Sorry it’s not Wisconsin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First World problems.

Good god, the whining and unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s own situation.

I’ve lived in 8 different countries. This is a pretty good place to live. Pull up your panties and move if you are so miserable here. Frankly, you are not doing your husband or your kids any favors with your moping / depressive attitude.

You are weirdly casual about asking a mother to abandon her children so that her husband doesn’t have to work from home in a different home office.
What’s the deal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I love him and my kids so much… but I don’t know how I’m going to keep living in this area with no end in sight."

Have you said this to him? You said a lot of stuff in your OP. Have you said those things to him also? I can understand him being upset, but I think any loving partner would not want their partner to be this miserable. I'm not saying he should have to agree to move away; I'm saying that he should be sympathetic and open to working on a solution with you, something that can make you both happy as much as possible. Someone will probably end up getting the short end of the stick but feeling heard and knowing that the other person really cares can go a long way.

If he's just angry and not willing even to discuss options, I'd be pissed and probably end up resentful. I don't know how long I could live like that.

Good luck!

OP - yes, I have told him this. I told him that I hope he never dislikes living in a place to the extent that I do. One of our issues is that our viewpoints on finding happiness where you live vary quite a bit - my entire family lives within a short drive of each other, and this has been the case since I was a kid. Most of my high school friends still live back home. He moved around a lot as a kid because his parents’ jobs required it. I think that the fact that he never experienced growing up with family nearby — whereas I did — is playing into this.

Again, thank you all who have constructively asked questions and lended support to me. I really am trying to find happiness here but after over a decade of friends coming and going every couple of years, it’s hard. All of the people that I have become close to have removed away from here unfortunately. We keep in touch but it’s not the same as meeting up for coffee or drinks in-person.

As an introvert it’s exhausting to keep putting yourself out there only to have people leave.

I'm the person you quoted here. I grew up a military brat, so like your husband, I never lived near family, and we moved a lot. That's never been an important factor for me because I never grew up with it. However, if my spouse came to me and expressed this level of unhappiness I'd be a bit distraught. It would make me sad, that my spouse was that sad and miserable. I know there's no easy answer here, but is he at least sympathetic and willing to discuss the pros and cons of moving or staying?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Look why doesn't everyone just admit the real issue? People are afraid of all the crime and homelessness. Since most posting here are progressives or liberals they have cognitive dissonance and can't say what is really eating at them. We lived just over the d.c. line on the red line for years until we moved to another state to be near grandparents. But that was a long time ago. You could still spend a day or two at Camden Yards or the waterfront or fells point and not feel like you were going to be murdered. I know that's Baltimore but it's part of the metro area and has truly become a hellish place. No one wants to say it's. It's not that Baltimore the city sucks, it's all the aholes who live in it. Same as with every major metro area nowadays. Look to your politics dcum complainers not your geography.

Exactly! It's the crime, folks.

Oh, bullshit. Violent crime is way, way, way lower than it was in the 90s. https://sgp.fas.org/crs/misc/IF12281.pdf

[Anonymous]

Solidarity, OP. I hate it here too. I have a fine life, friends, pretty mid-sized house, happy kids. But I hate the area. Am divorced so can't leave until kids go to college but some places are just not for some people. I've lived lots of places and some places clicked and some are a mismatch. It sucks to be stuck in a mismatch esp when you pretend to be happy which is my MO.

[Anonymous]

The issue isn't that op is unhappy with where she lives. It is that she insists on blaming her unhappiness entirely on her husband and accepts no personal responsibility for her participation in the choice of where to live. She has a delusional view of her hometown as a magical shangrila where her life would be wonderful and she would be happy.

False. She was never happy in her hometown. That's why she married someone who she knew would take her away from it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

So much wrong with your post and your opinions. You can't blame your husband for your misery because yo are the creator of it. He is not responsible for making you happy. How can you fail to see that?
Unless he is an abusive POS, a narc, or similar, nobody can even be responsible for your happiness but you.

Your spouse is absolutely part of the equation when it comes to personal happiness. Half of the posts here wouldn't exist if only "POS, narc.." can be responsible for marital unhappiness, which plays a big part in personal happiness. PP is referring to the issue of simmering resentment that can build up with one spouse refuses to empathize with or understand why his wife may be unhappy with where they live, refuses to try something different when - for all we know - it does not come at a detriment to his career.

LOL. I do not hear OP saying what she does to make money, do I? Seems to me, she wants it all, him to work and her to be somewhere else.

OP here - this is incorrect. I work in healthcare. H and I earn about the same. Our money would go further if we lived somewhere else because there are a lot of other cities (including my hometown) where my salary would increase, his would remain the same, and our cost of living and expenses would decrease.

OK, so he has a job for the same money somewhere else? Did he find it? How long would he be without a salary?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

So much wrong with your post and your opinions. You can't blame your husband for your misery because yo are the creator of it. He is not responsible for making you happy. How can you fail to see that?
Unless he is an abusive POS, a narc, or similar, nobody can even be responsible for your happiness but you.

Your spouse is absolutely part of the equation when it comes to personal happiness. Half of the posts here wouldn't exist if only "POS, narc.." can be responsible for marital unhappiness, which plays a big part in personal happiness. PP is referring to the issue of simmering resentment that can build up with one spouse refuses to empathize with or understand why his wife may be unhappy with where they live, refuses to try something different when - for all we know - it does not come at a detriment to his career.

LOL. I do not hear OP saying what she does to make money, do I? Seems to me, she wants it all, him to work and her to be somewhere else.

OP here - this is incorrect. I work in healthcare. H and I earn about the same. Our money would go further if we lived somewhere else because there are a lot of other cities (including my hometown) where my salary would increase, his would remain the same, and our cost of living and expenses would decrease.

OK, so he has a job for the same money somewhere else? Did he find it? How long would he be without a salary?

He works remotely. He wouldn’t need to find a new job.

[Anonymous]

Op how do you know he would make more money in your home town?

If you liked it there so much why did you agree to move away in the first place?

[Anonymous]

It would help to understand this if you stated where you live now I guess d.c. area, but what part?; and where you want to.move back to. I mean it makes a difference if you're from New Rochelle or Camden NJ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I love him and my kids so much… but I don’t know how I’m going to keep living in this area with no end in sight."

Have you said this to him? You said a lot of stuff in your OP. Have you said those things to him also? I can understand him being upset, but I think any loving partner would not want their partner to be this miserable. I'm not saying he should have to agree to move away; I'm saying that he should be sympathetic and open to working on a solution with you, something that can make you both happy as much as possible. Someone will probably end up getting the short end of the stick but feeling heard and knowing that the other person really cares can go a long way.

If he's just angry and not willing even to discuss options, I'd be pissed and probably end up resentful. I don't know how long I could live like that.

Good luck!

OP - yes, I have told him this. I told him that I hope he never dislikes living in a place to the extent that I do. One of our issues is that our viewpoints on finding happiness where you live vary quite a bit - my entire family lives within a short drive of each other, and this has been the case since I was a kid. Most of my high school friends still live back home. He moved around a lot as a kid because his parents’ jobs required it. I think that the fact that he never experienced growing up with family nearby — whereas I did — is playing into this.

Again, thank you all who have constructively asked questions and lended support to me. I really am trying to find happiness here but after over a decade of friends coming and going every couple of years, it’s hard. All of the people that I have become close to have removed away from here unfortunately. We keep in touch but it’s not the same as meeting up for coffee or drinks in-person.

As an introvert it’s exhausting to keep putting yourself out there only to have people leave.

OP, if a bunch of your friends and family from back home up and moved to your neighborhood in the DMV, would you still hate it here? Or if in theory DH was ok with moving, but not to somewhere near your home town, would that scratch the itch to leave?

Because I think other posters are on point that it’s not the place, but the lack of proximity to family that is bothering you. And I’m not sure if it’s fair to your DH and kids if there is only one place in the US that you claim you’d be happy living.

If there is something about this area in particular you don’t like that is very different than wanting your DH to adopt a very in-law/hometown high school friends-centric life.

[Anonymous]

If my DH wanted me to totally uproot my life as well as our kids’ so my in-laws could enmesh themselves in our life and he could re-live his glory days with “the guys” from HS, I would not be open to this proposal. Tagging along to someone’s nostalgia and having extended family in-laws around all the time does not sound appealing to a great many people.

Pick a neutral city you can both afree upon if you want to leave, so you can continue to build your lives together, not keep trying to live in your past, which may not even be as great as you remember it.

[Anonymous]

I spent multiple decades in DC. I moved to the most conservative district in NC. I haven't seen a burka in almost 2 years. The DMV isn't in 8 languages. It's glorious and I miss NOTHING about DC. Every aspect of my life has improved since leaving that shi*hole.

The DMV didn't used to suck when I first moved to NoVA in the 70s. Fairfax was red then. Things were normal. I went through ACPS for school and it was Remember the Titans.

The crazy libs and the invaders turned the place to a an overpriced sh*thole over the decades. If you decide to move to a "nice" place out-of-state, stop voting your BS Dems in office. That's what turns nice areas to crap. Just don't vote. Or realize that blue doesn't work.

This message will be deleted by the mods in 3, 2, [poof]

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op how do you know he would make more money in your home town?

If you liked it there so much why did you agree to move away in the first place?

I work in healthcare as well. Most of your salary is set by Medicare/Medicaid. OP said that she moved here for her husband’s job, but his line of work has gone remote and doesn’t lock them in here any longer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If my DH wanted me to totally uproot my life as well as our kids’ so my in-laws could enmesh themselves in our life and he could re-live his glory days with “the guys” from HS, I would not be open to this proposal. Tagging along to someone’s nostalgia and having extended family in-laws around all the time does not sound appealing to a great many people.

Pick a neutral city you can both afree upon if you want to leave, so you can continue to build your lives together, not keep trying to live in your past, which may not even be as great as you remember it.

If you have no friends or family or connections with other people, do you really even have a life to uproot?