I hate where we live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.

Disagree that moving can't sometimes be just the magic someone needs to start over.

+1

We moved recently and I am so much happier now.

+1 my ex had me living in two states I hated most for eight years. I was instantly happier as soon as we got back to the DC area because I never wanted to leave it in the first place. Living where you hate living can indeed actually make you depressed, and a change of moving to where you want to live can make you happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've made peace with our cramped lifestyle. Instead of upgrading we bought a cabin and a beach house so frequently escape to them. I love both of those homes so I really can't complain.

Wow.

[Anonymous]

OP what city is your family in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Moved here 25 years ago, girlfriend joined me, became my wife and we have 3 kids. She’s hated Alexandria since 2003 and never lets me forget it. Either move or keep cheerful but don’t complain about it every 72 hours.

Life in your town has gone on without you and your absence has been filled, friends and family have new responsibilities and tighter social circles, your return to Pottersville may not be what you were expecting.
What you may really be missing is being childless and 27.

This is completely dismissive of your wife's experience and feelings.

Disagree. Previous poster is spot on. Move if your current situation is terrible but not because you have some idealized image of the town you grew up in and things would be like they were before. There is just no going back to there.

But the PP doesn't say his wife wants to move back to her hometown. He says she has hated living in Alexandria for the last 20 years. And, presumably, he won't move. That's not about idealizing where she's from. It's about being miserable in a place but being stuck there because her partner in marriage and parenting won't even consider moving somewhere else (even somewhere that isn't where she's from).

[Anonymous]

OP, I can't wait to leave too. Stuck here for now in a rental, reading endless books that feed my daydreams of living in the country, with a permaculure garden and orchard that I can tend to and develop for 30+ years, then pass down... I've bought books about raising rabbits, running an herb farm, a organic seed business, etc etc. Ugh! Being tied to this area for work absolutely blows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you're on anti-depressants and you are that miserable...

... you won't be very happy elsewhere, OP.

Moving is not a magic pill. You're trying to run away from yourself. Fix what's wrong instead, and if you want, you can also move. But treat the two separately, because they are separate. I think your husband understands this about you, hence his moving the goalposts - which, BTW, isn't cool either. But he probably can't articulate what's wrong with your scenario because he's too close to the situation.

This is garbage. I lived in DC for 15 years. Hated it. Never felt like home. Felt like a place we were just on a treadmill to pass the time until we die. Terrible. Lucky for me, DH felt similarly (though interestingly, came from an entirely different part of the planet from me). We agreed to come up with a 5 year plan to leave. And we stuck to it. We moved to the first place we had the opportunity for, even though it was totally random and not where we might have picked. One week into our new city, and we both agreed we would never leave if we didn't have to. 16 years later, and we are still in the same state of that first place we moved (although several hours away) and are very, very, very happy.

Geographic places can absolutely be horrid and impact your mental health, and picking a nicer place can absolutely make you happier. This isn't just that some people are Debbie downers and are going to be miserable everywhere. Some places (DC) just objectively suck.

NP, not the person to whom you're responding, but that PP is correct. There is more subtlety in what OP describes than just "I hate DC and want to move and then things will be fine." If OP is so depressed she is medicated for it, there is very likely more going on than JUST their location. She's focused on that and may think that if they could only move, she'd be happy at long last. Maybe she would, but there are many other factors besides "I don't like it here" in any move, once you have a spouse and children, and if you and/or your spouse have careers that don't easily translate to the place you want to be. And OP describes trouble making friends and when she does make them, they move away. She needs to rethink why she has fizzled on friendships and get outside whatever box she's looking in for friends. I'm not blaming her, I'm saying there is more to this than just "I hate it here" but she won't see that. I hope she's getting talk therapy and will bring this up and be open to the idea that maybe she needs to stop seeing a move through rose-colored glasses.

[Anonymous]

No wonder you all hate where you live and so would I if I lived close to DC and in NOVA. Traffic alone is awful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both hate where we live but due to the housing market we feel very very trapped. We have a one bedroom apartment in the city of Alexandria it's terrible. I hate my life, my cars been broken into 3 times, the doors on our complex used to lock but have been unlocked and open for 9 months now. Sewer bill and water bill for one month was over $140. The neighbors we share walls with are rude jerks so I have to listen to music and video games 24/7, smell weed smoke, hear people yelling all the time, it's really unbelievable we find ourselves in this situation. Mind blowing really. We are trapped.

Move into a different one bedroom apartment. Is your place subsidized or super cheap or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you said where exactly you live…

OP - I live in the dc area.

This board is DC based. If someone says HERE, they mean DC area.

[Anonymous]

Check your astrocartography - i believe in that stuff - it might tell you why you dislike it so much and why your DH likes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:None of you said where exactly you live…

OP - I live in the dc area.

This board is DC based. If someone says HERE, they mean DC area.

They could be in Waldorf. Far cry from DC.

[Anonymous]

You need to find happiness wherever you are. I hate to say it, your family might not always be there (death, moving for their own reasons). You need to make your own life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH grew up in Fairfax. The only time he's lived outside of NOVA was the four years he spent at VA Tech. I'm still here because he is here. Otherwise I would have been long gone. We live in FCC and I do not like it at all. I find it basic and boring. Before moving here I lived in Dallas, Chicago and New Orleans. I like all three of those places a lot more than here. I would love to go back to Chicago but it will never happen; DH hates cold weather.

I grew up in Fairfax and left for college and never looked back. I dislike the whole area but still have relatives there and visit. Each time I visit I am glad to leave. Boring, basic, fake town centers, McMansions yuck. We live in CT now and are getting close to retirement and my DH grumbles about the cold a lot. Right now our compromise is our west but I personally would love coastal Maine.

[Anonymous]

NP. I live in DC; 20009 zip. We are one small family among many thousands of families and singles. I love DC. Love our little community some days and knowing many neighbors by name.

But mostly hate the current state of our neighborhood and the constant crime and fear of crime. Hate our nice enough but cramped condo with zero storage. Hate sharing laundry facilities with the rest of the building. Hate hearing people and traffic day and night. But it’s 5 minutes to my kid’s IB school. She’s happy. DH can walk to work and is happy. We have terrific neighbors. I WFH and struggle to get a better offer despite the “strong” job market.

We are priced out of moving with the market’s current state. DH and I agree we’d prefer a different location — not far, but a bit less busy and less crime — which is lovely but not easy for us to accomplish.

I’m the only one truly miserable here. It’s lonely.

You’re not alone, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We both hate where we live but due to the housing market we feel very very trapped. We have a one bedroom apartment in the city of Alexandria it's terrible. I hate my life, my cars been broken into 3 times, the doors on our complex used to lock but have been unlocked and open for 9 months now. Sewer bill and water bill for one month was over $140. The neighbors we share walls with are rude jerks so I have to listen to music and video games 24/7, smell weed smoke, hear people yelling all the time, it's really unbelievable we find ourselves in this situation. Mind blowing really. We are trapped.

This sounds incredibly stressful.

From our years in apartment living, we would sometimes remove vent covers on walls adjoining neighbors’ and place a piece of cardboard taped tightly inside to block smoke. Electrical tape over generally hidden gaps (under sink plumbing, around the medicine cabinets and circuit breaker panel—basically anything that cuts into the wall) can help, as can an air purifier. Adding weatherstripping to the doorframe of your entry door, plus a draft blocker at the bottom can make a difference (with noise, too).

Annoying, but use earplugs and a white noise machine (phone app versions are also good) when you have to.

Regarding the building entry doors not locking for nine months, that’s especially egregious and seems reportable. Check the city’s website for reporting landlord violations.

Best of luck to you that your situation improves soon.