I hate where we live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of us are trapped by jobs and other things. I agree. The DMV sucks.

When you use this kind of language you are disempowering yourself. You are assigning control of your life and future to externalities. When people do this except in truly extreme situations, it is so they can disclaim ownership of their own life.

If you were truly trapped would you be passively sitting there whining about it? No you would be fighting with all your resources to break free of the trap.

Where you are now is a combination of your prior choices in life and a bunch of random stuff beyond your control. Where you will be tomorrow, next year, and after that is also a combination of your future choices and future random stuff beyond your control.

The only way out of your mental trap is to take ownership of your life. You are not trapped. You have free choice. Getting to a better place may require a lot of hard work and numerous sacrifices and there still isn't any guarantee you will get what you want. You are no different from anyone else.

DMV does not "suck."

YOU suck.

Suck less.

Is that what your therapist told you so you would sleep better at night? Well, I feel better now that a random stranger on an anonymous message board quoted Stuart Smalley to me.
The DMV sucks.

If it sucks and you are part of it, then you must suck too. By definition. So we both agree that you suck, we just disagree on whether your suck is fairly applied to an entire multi state region. Seems unlikely that DMV sucks just because you do.

[Anonymous]

Look why doesn't everyone just admit the real issue? People are afraid of all the crime and homelessness. Since most posting here are progressives or liberals they have cognitive dissonance and can't say what is really eating at them. We lived just over the d.c. line on the red line for years until we moved to another state to be near grandparents. But that was a long time ago. You could still spend a day or two at Camden Yards or the waterfront or fells point and not feel like you were going to be murdered. I know that's Baltimore but it's part of the metro area and has truly become a hellish place. No one wants to say it's. It's not that Baltimore the city sucks, it's all the aholes who live in it. Same as with every major metro area nowadays. Look to your politics dcum complainers not your geography.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of us are trapped by jobs and other things. I agree. The DMV sucks.

When you use this kind of language you are disempowering yourself. You are assigning control of your life and future to externalities. When people do this except in truly extreme situations, it is so they can disclaim ownership of their own life.

If you were truly trapped would you be passively sitting there whining about it? No you would be fighting with all your resources to break free of the trap.

Where you are now is a combination of your prior choices in life and a bunch of random stuff beyond your control. Where you will be tomorrow, next year, and after that is also a combination of your future choices and future random stuff beyond your control.

The only way out of your mental trap is to take ownership of your life. You are not trapped. You have free choice. Getting to a better place may require a lot of hard work and numerous sacrifices and there still isn't any guarantee you will get what you want. You are no different from anyone else.

DMV does not "suck."

YOU suck.

Suck less.

Is that what your therapist told you so you would sleep better at night? Well, I feel better now that a random stranger on an anonymous message board quoted Stuart Smalley to me.
The DMV sucks.

If it sucks and you are part of it, then you must suck too. By definition. So we both agree that you suck, we just disagree on whether your suck is fairly applied to an entire multi state region. Seems unlikely that DMV sucks just because you do.

You see, that is where you are so wrong. I'm actually awesome because I don't consider myself part of the "entire multi state region". I stay above it all, but am just surrounded by the suckiness of the DMV which you are clearly a part of. So I am awesome. As part of the DMV, you are the one that sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So many of us are trapped by jobs and other things. I agree. The DMV sucks.

When you use this kind of language you are disempowering yourself. You are assigning control of your life and future to externalities. When people do this except in truly extreme situations, it is so they can disclaim ownership of their own life.

If you were truly trapped would you be passively sitting there whining about it? No you would be fighting with all your resources to break free of the trap.

Where you are now is a combination of your prior choices in life and a bunch of random stuff beyond your control. Where you will be tomorrow, next year, and after that is also a combination of your future choices and future random stuff beyond your control.

The only way out of your mental trap is to take ownership of your life. You are not trapped. You have free choice. Getting to a better place may require a lot of hard work and numerous sacrifices and there still isn't any guarantee you will get what you want. You are no different from anyone else.

DMV does not "suck."

YOU suck.

Suck less.

^ heh, as if to prove the pp's point

look, it shouldn't have to be THAT hard to enjoy the place where you live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Yeah, and some of those theres are better than others. Or better fits, if we want to put it that way.

I liked a lot about living in DC but the weather wore me down. The greeeeyyyyy winters, followed by the broiling hot summers. It felt like I had two months a year, tops, that were actually nice being outside - and I thrive, being able to spend time outside.

We moved somewhere with a better climate. I am happier. There I am.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Moved here 25 years ago, girlfriend joined me, became my wife and we have 3 kids. She’s hated Alexandria since 2003 and never lets me forget it. Either move or keep cheerful but don’t complain about it every 72 hours.

Life in your town has gone on without you and your absence has been filled, friends and family have new responsibilities and tighter social circles, your return to Pottersville may not be what you were expecting.
[/b]What you may really be missing is being childless and 27.

[b]

Amen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look why doesn't everyone just admit the real issue? People are afraid of all the crime and homelessness. Since most posting here are progressives or liberals they have cognitive dissonance and can't say what is really eating at them. We lived just over the d.c. line on the red line for years until we moved to another state to be near grandparents. But that was a long time ago. You could still spend a day or two at Camden Yards or the waterfront or fells point and not feel like you were going to be murdered. I know that's Baltimore but it's part of the metro area and has truly become a hellish place. No one wants to say it's. It's not that Baltimore the city sucks, it's all the aholes who live in it. Same as with every major metro area nowadays. Look to your politics dcum complainers not your geography.

Well stated!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People with high anxiety and other issues always think moving will fix their lives.
It won't.
You sound depressed and miserable and you will stay that way, no matter where. People that are constantly looking for misery, generally have it anywhere.

I’ve lived in 10 different cities in 6 countries throughout my life and where you live makes a huge difference.

I've lived in 9 and managed to be quite okay in all. Some were tougher than others. Cairo is not an easy place to love, but I learned to do things my way, adapt to the culture, and now love visiting Egypt, while others think I lost my mind after they just vacationed there for 5 days. I too disliked the DMV at first, I wanted to be in Denver, loved it, and still do, but it is not DH's fault or my fault, here is the job, and do your best. Now MD is home for us and I love it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

So much wrong with your post and your opinions. You can't blame your husband for your misery because yo are the creator of it. He is not responsible for making you happy. How can you fail to see that?
Unless he is an abusive POS, a narc, or similar, nobody can even be responsible for your happiness but you.

Your spouse is absolutely part of the equation when it comes to personal happiness. Half of the posts here wouldn't exist if only "POS, narc.." can be responsible for marital unhappiness, which plays a big part in personal happiness. PP is referring to the issue of simmering resentment that can build up with one spouse refuses to empathize with or understand why his wife may be unhappy with where they live, refuses to try something different when - for all we know - it does not come at a detriment to his career.

LOL. I do not hear OP saying what she does to make money, do I? Seems to me, she wants it all, him to work and her to be somewhere else.

[Anonymous]

She loves her DH and their kids. He sounds like a great guy. Can't imagine how the capital of the U.S. is such a horrific place to be where her DH and kids are at home.
This whole post is so insane I have no words to describe it.
Go to slums in India, op, I am sure you will be happier there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP, I empathize. I'm counting down the days when I can move back to Boston/New England. We moved here before the pandemic due to my husband's job. It became permanently remote. Now it's harder to move back because we have a kid and my husband feels rooted here. It's a constant source of tension in our marriage.

Moving is not a magic pill but that doesn't mean where you live has no impact on your mental health and outlook in look. It's not either/or. I was able to live in Boston for a month this past summer, and I instantly felt a huge difference. Yes, there were still tough days - kids will still get sick, you still worry about everyday problems, but what did disappear was the CONSTANT RESENTMENT toward my husband.

To PPs who suggested "work on yourself," that was actually easier for me to do in Boston. Once I was there, I felt a great sense of agency because I could no longer blame my husband for all my unhappiness, frustrations, anxiety, etc. Whereas being stuck in DMV I could always point to "being stuck here" as the root of all my problems. It made me feel angry and helpless all the time.

Working on your own mental capacity to be happy has its limits. Not everyone can adjust to anywhere and everywhere. If so that argument can easily apply to your husband - surely he can work that mental magic and get excited about living in a new place?

Can you start concretely planning for the life you want and show your husband what that would look like? Show him what housing would look like there. How it might impact family finances. The good thing is you have a job and you are not dependent on him. At some point if he's totally unwilling to acknowledge your unhappiness, show him through action you have agency and you can leave. I don't mean dump the kids and divorce, but signal to him that you rent a place there, move with the kids, and he can decide to come along or not.

Don't ever let people convince you that "this area is great and something's wrong with you for not loving it here." It takes a lot of money and constant striving to live well here. I find people who are materially comfortable here tend to be very insecure when faced with criticism of the area. Probably because a big part of their identity is wrapped up in the life they established here - buying that expensive house, having that impressive sounding title, getting their kids into whatever fancy school, etc.

You're not alone! There are many of us DMV-haters out there, quietly plotting our escape.

So much wrong with your post and your opinions. You can't blame your husband for your misery because yo are the creator of it. He is not responsible for making you happy. How can you fail to see that?
Unless he is an abusive POS, a narc, or similar, nobody can even be responsible for your happiness but you.

Your spouse is absolutely part of the equation when it comes to personal happiness. Half of the posts here wouldn't exist if only "POS, narc.." can be responsible for marital unhappiness, which plays a big part in personal happiness. PP is referring to the issue of simmering resentment that can build up with one spouse refuses to empathize with or understand why his wife may be unhappy with where they live, refuses to try something different when - for all we know - it does not come at a detriment to his career.

LOL. I do not hear OP saying what she does to make money, do I? Seems to me, she wants it all, him to work and her to be somewhere else.

OP here - this is incorrect. I work in healthcare. H and I earn about the same. Our money would go further if we lived somewhere else because there are a lot of other cities (including my hometown) where my salary would increase, his would remain the same, and our cost of living and expenses would decrease.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I love him and my kids so much… but I don’t know how I’m going to keep living in this area with no end in sight."

Have you said this to him? You said a lot of stuff in your OP. Have you said those things to him also? I can understand him being upset, but I think any loving partner would not want their partner to be this miserable. I'm not saying he should have to agree to move away; I'm saying that he should be sympathetic and open to working on a solution with you, something that can make you both happy as much as possible. Someone will probably end up getting the short end of the stick but feeling heard and knowing that the other person really cares can go a long way.

If he's just angry and not willing even to discuss options, I'd be pissed and probably end up resentful. I don't know how long I could live like that.

Good luck!

OP - yes, I have told him this. I told him that I hope he never dislikes living in a place to the extent that I do. One of our issues is that our viewpoints on finding happiness where you live vary quite a bit - my entire family lives within a short drive of each other, and this has been the case since I was a kid. Most of my high school friends still live back home. He moved around a lot as a kid because his parents’ jobs required it. I think that the fact that he never experienced growing up with family nearby — whereas I did — is playing into this.

Again, thank you all who have constructively asked questions and lended support to me. I really am trying to find happiness here but after over a decade of friends coming and going every couple of years, it’s hard. All of the people that I have become close to have removed away from here unfortunately. We keep in touch but it’s not the same as meeting up for coffee or drinks in-person.

As an introvert it’s exhausting to keep putting yourself out there only to have people leave.

[Anonymous]

First World problems.

Good god, the whining and unwillingness to take responsibility for one’s own situation.

I’ve lived in 8 different countries. This is a pretty good place to live. Pull up your panties and move if you are so miserable here. Frankly, you are not doing your husband or your kids any favors with your moping / depressive attitude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Look why doesn't everyone just admit the real issue? People are afraid of all the crime and homelessness. Since most posting here are progressives or liberals they have cognitive dissonance and can't say what is really eating at them. We lived just over the d.c. line on the red line for years until we moved to another state to be near grandparents. But that was a long time ago. You could still spend a day or two at Camden Yards or the waterfront or fells point and not feel like you were going to be murdered. I know that's Baltimore but it's part of the metro area and has truly become a hellish place. No one wants to say it's. It's not that Baltimore the city sucks, it's all the aholes who live in it. Same as with every major metro area nowadays. Look to your politics dcum complainers not your geography.

Exactly! It's the crime, folks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She loves her DH and their kids. He sounds like a great guy. Can't imagine how the capital of the U.S. is such a horrific place to be where her DH and kids are at home.
This whole post is so insane I have no words to describe it.
Go to slums in India, op, I am sure you will be happier there.

She doesn’t want to go to the slums of India. She wants her husband to consider moving so that she can more regularly see her mom and her dad and extended family. Is it really that crazy of an ask?