I hate where we live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Exactly. It's about money and status. They don't hate the parental culture, they ARE the culture. They just dislike where they think they stand in it. They geoarbitage to a place where they feel they will have a higher relative status. Smaller pond so to speak.

Even if true, what is wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with that. There is something VERY wrong with threatening to kidnap the children if your husband disagrees with you about whether to move or not. Also, making up false reasons for wanting to move or calling it parental culture or other such euphemisms is just b.s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Having a bigger house or access to good schools are not purely a status choice those. I don't think I'm "status-obsessed" and I generally don't care what people do, how much money they have, the brands of their clothes or cars or colleges, or who they know. But if I had the chance to live in a bigger home, I'd jump at it. Not because it would impress anyone but because I live in 1100 sq ft and sometimes it's tight.

And yeah, all parents want good schools for their kids. There may be status loaded into "good schools" for some people, but for plenty of people it's about actual concrete benefits, like having kids at a school with low teacher turnover or that offers extra-curriculars their kid would enjoy.

Moving in order to afford more space, nicer neighborhoods, or better schools is not automatically about status. It's mostly about cost efficiency.

It's about money. Which is closely tied to status. It's not about any of the other nonsense reasons being bandied about. People moved to d.c. when younger thinking they would win the game but it's highly competitive. Most people can't be winners in that game. Many people have unrealistic expectations and are entitled.

There is also resentment. Why doesn't my husband make more money? It's all his fault. Doesn't he know I only married him for the money and status I thought he could provide to me?

I am unhappy, it is his fault, therefore his wants and needs don't matter. If he doesn't do as I say I will kidnap the children.

Makes sense.

Money is tied to status. But they aren't the same thing.

Money is just a useful thing you need in order to live in society. You can have a lot of money and low cultural status (I know lots of rich rednecks in Texas and the midwest like this). You can have high cultural status and not much money (sometimes true for artists and authors and academics).

Choosing to move to a place where your money goes further, specifically because it's a lower-status place without the caché of being a major city, is not really a status-conscious choice. Sure, one benefit might be that people there are less likely to look down on you for having less money than they might in DC. But the main benefit is that you can just afford more things and a higher quality of life with the same amount of money.

Also, there are other things tied to status and moving can actually give you lower status as a result. Lots of places associate a lot of status with how long you've lived somewhere, whether you're a "local" or not. So moving to a lower COL area from the DMV is sometimes a choice to have lower status but higher buying power.

Status is complicated and the idea that the only reason anyone would want to move out of the DMV is because they think their status is too low here and would be higher elsewhere is a weird and, in many instance, wrong assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Exactly. It's about money and status. They don't hate the parental culture, they ARE the culture. They just dislike where they think they stand in it. They geoarbitage to a place where they feel they will have a higher relative status. Smaller pond so to speak.

Even if true, what is wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with that. There is something VERY wrong with threatening to kidnap the children if your husband disagrees with you about whether to move or not. Also, making up false reasons for wanting to move or calling it parental culture or other such euphemisms is just b.s.

No one in this thread is supporting the idea of kidnapping anyone. I don't really think that's what OP was talking about, but you seem obsessed with it for some reason.

I'm just saying there are lots of good reason why someone might want to move out of the DMV that have nothing to do with being upset that you aren't high status enough here. I know so many people who want to move and I don't think status really comes into play -- they are MC or UMC in DC, they would be UMC where they want to go, their main concerns are cost of housing, schools, and lower stress. It has nothing to do with status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Having a bigger house or access to good schools are not purely a status choice those. I don't think I'm "status-obsessed" and I generally don't care what people do, how much money they have, the brands of their clothes or cars or colleges, or who they know. But if I had the chance to live in a bigger home, I'd jump at it. Not because it would impress anyone but because I live in 1100 sq ft and sometimes it's tight.

And yeah, all parents want good schools for their kids. There may be status loaded into "good schools" for some people, but for plenty of people it's about actual concrete benefits, like having kids at a school with low teacher turnover or that offers extra-curriculars their kid would enjoy.

Moving in order to afford more space, nicer neighborhoods, or better schools is not automatically about status. It's mostly about cost efficiency.

It's about money. Which is closely tied to status. It's not about any of the other nonsense reasons being bandied about. People moved to d.c. when younger thinking they would win the game but it's highly competitive. Most people can't be winners in that game. Many people have unrealistic expectations and are entitled.

There is also resentment. Why doesn't my husband make more money? It's all his fault. Doesn't he know I only married him for the money and status I thought he could provide to me?

I am unhappy, it is his fault, therefore his wants and needs don't matter. If he doesn't do as I say I will kidnap the children.

Makes sense.

Money is tied to status. But they aren't the same thing.

Money is just a useful thing you need in order to live in society. You can have a lot of money and low cultural status (I know lots of rich rednecks in Texas and the midwest like this). You can have high cultural status and not much money (sometimes true for artists and authors and academics).

Choosing to move to a place where your money goes further, specifically because it's a lower-status place without the caché of being a major city, is not really a status-conscious choice. Sure, one benefit might be that people there are less likely to look down on you for having less money than they might in DC. But the main benefit is that you can just afford more things and a higher quality of life with the same amount of money.

Also, there are other things tied to status and moving can actually give you lower status as a result. Lots of places associate a lot of status with how long you've lived somewhere, whether you're a "local" or not. So moving to a lower COL area from the DMV is sometimes a choice to have lower status but higher buying power.

Status is complicated and the idea that the only reason anyone would want to move out of the DMV is because they think their status is too low here and would be higher elsewhere is a weird and, in many instance, wrong assumption.

Correct, I am sure that people who move to podunk for a nice house are aware that they are judged as low status by dc urbanites. They just don’t care that PP thinks they are bumpkins with McMansions and that is what is making her so upset.

I like dc but live and let live. People who hate it here just have different opinions. It’s OK I promise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Having a bigger house or access to good schools are not purely a status choice those. I don't think I'm "status-obsessed" and I generally don't care what people do, how much money they have, the brands of their clothes or cars or colleges, or who they know. But if I had the chance to live in a bigger home, I'd jump at it. Not because it would impress anyone but because I live in 1100 sq ft and sometimes it's tight.

And yeah, all parents want good schools for their kids. There may be status loaded into "good schools" for some people, but for plenty of people it's about actual concrete benefits, like having kids at a school with low teacher turnover or that offers extra-curriculars their kid would enjoy.

Moving in order to afford more space, nicer neighborhoods, or better schools is not automatically about status. It's mostly about cost efficiency.

It's about money. Which is closely tied to status. It's not about any of the other nonsense reasons being bandied about. People moved to d.c. when younger thinking they would win the game but it's highly competitive. Most people can't be winners in that game. Many people have unrealistic expectations and are entitled.

There is also resentment. Why doesn't my husband make more money? It's all his fault. Doesn't he know I only married him for the money and status I thought he could provide to me?

I am unhappy, it is his fault, therefore his wants and needs don't matter. If he doesn't do as I say I will kidnap the children.

Makes sense.

Money is tied to status. But they aren't the same thing.

Money is just a useful thing you need in order to live in society. You can have a lot of money and low cultural status (I know lots of rich rednecks in Texas and the midwest like this). You can have high cultural status and not much money (sometimes true for artists and authors and academics).

Choosing to move to a place where your money goes further, specifically because it's a lower-status place without the caché of being a major city, is not really a status-conscious choice. Sure, one benefit might be that people there are less likely to look down on you for having less money than they might in DC. But the main benefit is that you can just afford more things and a higher quality of life with the same amount of money.

Also, there are other things tied to status and moving can actually give you lower status as a result. Lots of places associate a lot of status with how long you've lived somewhere, whether you're a "local" or not. So moving to a lower COL area from the DMV is sometimes a choice to have lower status but higher buying power.

Status is complicated and the idea that the only reason anyone would want to move out of the DMV is because they think their status is too low here and would be higher elsewhere is a weird and, in many instance, wrong assumption.

DP. Yes it's very weird to think the person talking about how they have a big landscaped yard in the nicest neighborhood in town is thinking about status. What would ever make someone think that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Of course where you live matters.

This involves conflict between a wife who wants to move elsewhere vs. a husband who does not want to move elsewhere.


The wife is repeatedly saying all the reasons why she thinks DMV sucks and that her husband is an ahole because he won't move and she is ready to divorce him.

But all of the reasons she gave were untrue. Other than money. It's not the traffic it's not the weather it's not being close to family because she's talking about moving to Princeton. She said she can live cheaper in Princeton and they can make equal or more combined income there.

Now someone says it's "parenting culture.". Translation it's money and status. OP feels she can't live the comparative lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to in DMV and has a low rank in the parenting culture. She can't afford the best private schools. She cant afford.to live in the biggest house in the best neighborhoods with Barack and Michelle. She can't afford a new SUV every year.

In contrast, husband is satisfied with the money they make and the lifestyle they lead. May not put them at the top of the parental culture heap but is adequate.

Ops feelings and opinions are entitled to exactly zero priority more than her husband's. She has not given a single good reason to uproot the entire family to move to Princeton. It would disrupt both of their employment and the kids schooling to get what in return? She thinks she will wind up in a better neighborhood in a better house? Maybe maybe not. It's a gamble. You don't take major gambles like that with school age kids unless you have clear buy in from both parents. She doesn't. She is completely I persuasive.

"Wahhhhhh I am so unhappy and will divorce you if we don't move!!!" is not going to work on an actual man.

The fact that you think the bolded is what everyone wants is exactly what a lot of people don't like about the culture in the DMV. The idea that you think there is a "parental culture heap" that you can be "at the top of" is precisely what I hate about parenting culture in DC. No thank you.

You haven't explained what you mean by "parenting culture.". But you seem to think many others believe it is a status competition, and that you dislike that other people think that.

So how is that different from what I had expressed? Parenting culture means the status competiton among DMV moms for who has more.status.and.wealth. apparently it's a real thing and you hate.it.

What I told the other pp, and ask you, is why do you hate it? Nothing requires you to participate. It's your own insecurities at play. Thats you, not where you live. You feel deeply insecure if you're not at or near the top of what you perceive to be the heap and it bugs you to be reminded that.you care. But you obviously do

Oh my god, listen to yourself.

This person is rapidly showing their craziness. There are many things around parenting that are just different or easier other places.

Name some of these things around parenting that are easier in other places. Is around parenting different from parental culture?

- School choice, charters, privates, and vast discrepancies in quality of public schools in DC and other major cities make education much more complicated and fraught than in other places where most kids attend in boundary publics. Even if the schools are lower quality than the "best" schools in this area, the simplicity of that system is appealing because it would be easier.

- Living in an area with a lot of high achievers leads to a very achievement focused cultured that can make it hard for kids to casually participate in activities. Kids in this area tend to do more than in other areas, which means it can be harder to get a spot in activities and once you do, there can be a lot of pressure to be competitive. Even if you are more laid back, the culture of other kids and families can impact your kid.

- Living somewhere with a high cost of living means that a larger portion of your income goes into housing and basics, leaving less money left for college and retirement savings, vacations, hobbies, and other discretionary spending. Having less discretionary money makes parenting harder. The appeal of moving somewhere that would make it easier to pay for housing and savings while also have more leftover for "extras" is obvious. As a general rule, parenting with more money is always easier than parenting with less money.

- There are some things specific to the DC area that are not really designed for families or are a huge time suck for families. Activities can be spread out, often kids go to school miles from home. Huge competition for sports venues so games and meets can be all over the place. And traffic is bad. It can be very hard to arrange your live in this area in a way that avoids spending huge amounts of time driving around the are for kids activities, especially as they get older. Living in a more compact college town or a very family-friendly suburb, you'll have fewer public transportation options but might still drive less.

A lot of this is easier if you have a lot of money or a lot of family help. But lots of people here have neither. Thus they want to move.

I will never understand why people find this shocking or weird. It's a pretty standard and common story in most major cities.

These are all very good reasons to move. I have no doubt D.C. public schools are terrible. The suburban va and md schools were very good when we lived there but I guess even they are terrible now? Too bad maybe think about voting for the other party in the next election.

Yes I also agree it's hard to stretch a dollar, perhaps voting for the party that promises to lower rather than raise your taxes is an option?

Especially when endless amounts of that tax money gets poured into schools which keep getting worse and worse and turning out illiterate thugs who are better at whatever than algebra.

Please note that OP listed none of your very good reasons as her reasons to move to Princeton. Perhaps she should have been more thoughtful instead of.threstening to kidnap her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Having a bigger house or access to good schools are not purely a status choice those. I don't think I'm "status-obsessed" and I generally don't care what people do, how much money they have, the brands of their clothes or cars or colleges, or who they know. But if I had the chance to live in a bigger home, I'd jump at it. Not because it would impress anyone but because I live in 1100 sq ft and sometimes it's tight.

And yeah, all parents want good schools for their kids. There may be status loaded into "good schools" for some people, but for plenty of people it's about actual concrete benefits, like having kids at a school with low teacher turnover or that offers extra-curriculars their kid would enjoy.

Moving in order to afford more space, nicer neighborhoods, or better schools is not automatically about status. It's mostly about cost efficiency.

It's about money. Which is closely tied to status. It's not about any of the other nonsense reasons being bandied about. People moved to d.c. when younger thinking they would win the game but it's highly competitive. Most people can't be winners in that game. Many people have unrealistic expectations and are entitled.

There is also resentment. Why doesn't my husband make more money? It's all his fault. Doesn't he know I only married him for the money and status I thought he could provide to me?

I am unhappy, it is his fault, therefore his wants and needs don't matter. If he doesn't do as I say I will kidnap the children.

Makes sense.

Money is tied to status. But they aren't the same thing.

Money is just a useful thing you need in order to live in society. You can have a lot of money and low cultural status (I know lots of rich rednecks in Texas and the midwest like this). You can have high cultural status and not much money (sometimes true for artists and authors and academics).

Choosing to move to a place where your money goes further, specifically because it's a lower-status place without the caché of being a major city, is not really a status-conscious choice. Sure, one benefit might be that people there are less likely to look down on you for having less money than they might in DC. But the main benefit is that you can just afford more things and a higher quality of life with the same amount of money.

Also, there are other things tied to status and moving can actually give you lower status as a result. Lots of places associate a lot of status with how long you've lived somewhere, whether you're a "local" or not. So moving to a lower COL area from the DMV is sometimes a choice to have lower status but higher buying power.

Status is complicated and the idea that the only reason anyone would want to move out of the DMV is because they think their status is too low here and would be higher elsewhere is a weird and, in many instance, wrong assumption.

DP. Yes it's very weird to think the person talking about how they have a big landscaped yard in the nicest neighborhood in town is thinking about status. What would ever make someone think that.

You only assume that person is thinking about status because you associate those things with status. But they are nice things independent of status. I can't tell from the PP's comment about her house or neighborhood if she is status obsessed -- I just know she is happier with her bigger house and yard and likes her neighborhood and schools. I'm happy for her.

But I can tell from your response to her comment that you are VERY status conscious and think that the size of someone's house and the neighborhood they live is an indication of their value as a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Of course where you live matters.

This involves conflict between a wife who wants to move elsewhere vs. a husband who does not want to move elsewhere.


The wife is repeatedly saying all the reasons why she thinks DMV sucks and that her husband is an ahole because he won't move and she is ready to divorce him.

But all of the reasons she gave were untrue. Other than money. It's not the traffic it's not the weather it's not being close to family because she's talking about moving to Princeton. She said she can live cheaper in Princeton and they can make equal or more combined income there.

Now someone says it's "parenting culture.". Translation it's money and status. OP feels she can't live the comparative lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to in DMV and has a low rank in the parenting culture. She can't afford the best private schools. She cant afford.to live in the biggest house in the best neighborhoods with Barack and Michelle. She can't afford a new SUV every year.

In contrast, husband is satisfied with the money they make and the lifestyle they lead. May not put them at the top of the parental culture heap but is adequate.

Ops feelings and opinions are entitled to exactly zero priority more than her husband's. She has not given a single good reason to uproot the entire family to move to Princeton. It would disrupt both of their employment and the kids schooling to get what in return? She thinks she will wind up in a better neighborhood in a better house? Maybe maybe not. It's a gamble. You don't take major gambles like that with school age kids unless you have clear buy in from both parents. She doesn't. She is completely I persuasive.

"Wahhhhhh I am so unhappy and will divorce you if we don't move!!!" is not going to work on an actual man.

The fact that you think the bolded is what everyone wants is exactly what a lot of people don't like about the culture in the DMV. The idea that you think there is a "parental culture heap" that you can be "at the top of" is precisely what I hate about parenting culture in DC. No thank you.

You haven't explained what you mean by "parenting culture.". But you seem to think many others believe it is a status competition, and that you dislike that other people think that.

So how is that different from what I had expressed? Parenting culture means the status competiton among DMV moms for who has more.status.and.wealth. apparently it's a real thing and you hate.it.

What I told the other pp, and ask you, is why do you hate it? Nothing requires you to participate. It's your own insecurities at play. Thats you, not where you live. You feel deeply insecure if you're not at or near the top of what you perceive to be the heap and it bugs you to be reminded that.you care. But you obviously do

Oh my god, listen to yourself.

This person is rapidly showing their craziness. There are many things around parenting that are just different or easier other places.

Name some of these things around parenting that are easier in other places. Is around parenting different from parental culture?

- School choice, charters, privates, and vast discrepancies in quality of public schools in DC and other major cities make education much more complicated and fraught than in other places where most kids attend in boundary publics. Even if the schools are lower quality than the "best" schools in this area, the simplicity of that system is appealing because it would be easier.

- Living in an area with a lot of high achievers leads to a very achievement focused cultured that can make it hard for kids to casually participate in activities. Kids in this area tend to do more than in other areas, which means it can be harder to get a spot in activities and once you do, there can be a lot of pressure to be competitive. Even if you are more laid back, the culture of other kids and families can impact your kid.

- Living somewhere with a high cost of living means that a larger portion of your income goes into housing and basics, leaving less money left for college and retirement savings, vacations, hobbies, and other discretionary spending. Having less discretionary money makes parenting harder. The appeal of moving somewhere that would make it easier to pay for housing and savings while also have more leftover for "extras" is obvious. As a general rule, parenting with more money is always easier than parenting with less money.

- There are some things specific to the DC area that are not really designed for families or are a huge time suck for families. Activities can be spread out, often kids go to school miles from home. Huge competition for sports venues so games and meets can be all over the place. And traffic is bad. It can be very hard to arrange your live in this area in a way that avoids spending huge amounts of time driving around the are for kids activities, especially as they get older. Living in a more compact college town or a very family-friendly suburb, you'll have fewer public transportation options but might still drive less.

A lot of this is easier if you have a lot of money or a lot of family help. But lots of people here have neither. Thus they want to move.

I will never understand why people find this shocking or weird. It's a pretty standard and common story in most major cities.

These are all very good reasons to move. I have no doubt D.C. public schools are terrible. The suburban va and md schools were very good when we lived there but I guess even they are terrible now? Too bad maybe think about voting for the other party in the next election.

Yes I also agree it's hard to stretch a dollar, perhaps voting for the party that promises to lower rather than raise your taxes is an option?

Especially when endless amounts of that tax money gets poured into schools which keep getting worse and worse and turning out illiterate thugs who are better at whatever than algebra.

Please note that OP listed none of your very good reasons as her reasons to move to Princeton. Perhaps she should have been more thoughtful instead of.threstening to kidnap her children.

This comment is like a buffet of idiocy. Are you a bot? How can someone who lives in DC vote to make suburban schools better? Also you've lumped VA publics and MD publics, which are in areas with very different politicians. OP never said she threatened to kidnap her kids. She just said she and her DH have argued over moving and he won't budge. I empathize with her situation. It sucks to live somewhere you don't want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Exactly. It's about money and status. They don't hate the parental culture, they ARE the culture. They just dislike where they think they stand in it. They geoarbitage to a place where they feel they will have a higher relative status. Smaller pond so to speak.

Even if true, what is wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with that. There is something VERY wrong with threatening to kidnap the children if your husband disagrees with you about whether to move or not. Also, making up false reasons for wanting to move or calling it parental culture or other such euphemisms is just b.s.

No one in this thread is supporting the idea of kidnapping anyone. I don't really think that's what OP was talking about, but you seem obsessed with it for some reason.

I'm just saying there are lots of good reason why someone might want to move out of the DMV that have nothing to do with being upset that you aren't high status enough here. I know so many people who want to move and I don't think status really comes into play -- they are MC or UMC in DC, they would be UMC where they want to go, their main concerns are cost of housing, schools, and lower stress. It has nothing to do with status.

OP literally admitted that she threatened her husband with taking their children with her without his consent if he did not want to move to Princeton with her She left that out of her first post but mentioned it in a follow up post.

She also said when she talked to a lawyer about it he told her it wouldn't be a very good idea. More likely he told her she could get in very serious legal trouble for it.

It was AFTER she threatened to kidnap the children that her husband told her he would file for divorce and full custody of she followed through on her threat.

At first OP made it sound like her husband had threatened divorce simply because she wanted to move, but then she finally admitted that it was because she threatened to kidnap the children if he refused to move with her.

A totally different scenario than the OP initially presented.

It's completely understandable why anyone would want to move from the festering crime ridden but very diverse cesspool that is D.C. to the pristine Pastoral highly whitely privileged ivy university Hamlet of Princeton. That needs no explanation.

Would most people threaten to kidnap their own children because they hated d.c. so much? Probably not, although the number is probably growing every day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Of course where you live matters.

This involves conflict between a wife who wants to move elsewhere vs. a husband who does not want to move elsewhere.


The wife is repeatedly saying all the reasons why she thinks DMV sucks and that her husband is an ahole because he won't move and she is ready to divorce him.

But all of the reasons she gave were untrue. Other than money. It's not the traffic it's not the weather it's not being close to family because she's talking about moving to Princeton. She said she can live cheaper in Princeton and they can make equal or more combined income there.

Now someone says it's "parenting culture.". Translation it's money and status. OP feels she can't live the comparative lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to in DMV and has a low rank in the parenting culture. She can't afford the best private schools. She cant afford.to live in the biggest house in the best neighborhoods with Barack and Michelle. She can't afford a new SUV every year.

In contrast, husband is satisfied with the money they make and the lifestyle they lead. May not put them at the top of the parental culture heap but is adequate.

Ops feelings and opinions are entitled to exactly zero priority more than her husband's. She has not given a single good reason to uproot the entire family to move to Princeton. It would disrupt both of their employment and the kids schooling to get what in return? She thinks she will wind up in a better neighborhood in a better house? Maybe maybe not. It's a gamble. You don't take major gambles like that with school age kids unless you have clear buy in from both parents. She doesn't. She is completely I persuasive.

"Wahhhhhh I am so unhappy and will divorce you if we don't move!!!" is not going to work on an actual man.

The fact that you think the bolded is what everyone wants is exactly what a lot of people don't like about the culture in the DMV. The idea that you think there is a "parental culture heap" that you can be "at the top of" is precisely what I hate about parenting culture in DC. No thank you.

You haven't explained what you mean by "parenting culture.". But you seem to think many others believe it is a status competition, and that you dislike that other people think that.

So how is that different from what I had expressed? Parenting culture means the status competiton among DMV moms for who has more.status.and.wealth. apparently it's a real thing and you hate.it.

What I told the other pp, and ask you, is why do you hate it? Nothing requires you to participate. It's your own insecurities at play. Thats you, not where you live. You feel deeply insecure if you're not at or near the top of what you perceive to be the heap and it bugs you to be reminded that.you care. But you obviously do

Oh my god, listen to yourself.

This person is rapidly showing their craziness. There are many things around parenting that are just different or easier other places.

Name some of these things around parenting that are easier in other places. Is around parenting different from parental culture?

- School choice, charters, privates, and vast discrepancies in quality of public schools in DC and other major cities make education much more complicated and fraught than in other places where most kids attend in boundary publics. Even if the schools are lower quality than the "best" schools in this area, the simplicity of that system is appealing because it would be easier.

- Living in an area with a lot of high achievers leads to a very achievement focused cultured that can make it hard for kids to casually participate in activities. Kids in this area tend to do more than in other areas, which means it can be harder to get a spot in activities and once you do, there can be a lot of pressure to be competitive. Even if you are more laid back, the culture of other kids and families can impact your kid.

- Living somewhere with a high cost of living means that a larger portion of your income goes into housing and basics, leaving less money left for college and retirement savings, vacations, hobbies, and other discretionary spending. Having less discretionary money makes parenting harder. The appeal of moving somewhere that would make it easier to pay for housing and savings while also have more leftover for "extras" is obvious. As a general rule, parenting with more money is always easier than parenting with less money.

- There are some things specific to the DC area that are not really designed for families or are a huge time suck for families. Activities can be spread out, often kids go to school miles from home. Huge competition for sports venues so games and meets can be all over the place. And traffic is bad. It can be very hard to arrange your live in this area in a way that avoids spending huge amounts of time driving around the are for kids activities, especially as they get older. Living in a more compact college town or a very family-friendly suburb, you'll have fewer public transportation options but might still drive less.

A lot of this is easier if you have a lot of money or a lot of family help. But lots of people here have neither. Thus they want to move.

I will never understand why people find this shocking or weird. It's a pretty standard and common story in most major cities.

These are all very good reasons to move. I have no doubt D.C. public schools are terrible. The suburban va and md schools were very good when we lived there but I guess even they are terrible now? Too bad maybe think about voting for the other party in the next election.

Yes I also agree it's hard to stretch a dollar, perhaps voting for the party that promises to lower rather than raise your taxes is an option?

Especially when endless amounts of that tax money gets poured into schools which keep getting worse and worse and turning out illiterate thugs who are better at whatever than algebra.

Please note that OP listed none of your very good reasons as her reasons to move to Princeton. Perhaps she should have been more thoughtful instead of.threstening to kidnap her children.

This comment is like a buffet of idiocy. Are you a bot? How can someone who lives in DC vote to make suburban schools better? Also you've lumped VA publics and MD publics, which are in areas with very different politicians. OP never said she threatened to kidnap her kids. She just said she and her DH have argued over moving and he won't budge. I empathize with her situation. It sucks to live somewhere you don't want to be.

No one said they could. But if md and VA schools are still good, then you don't need to move to Princeton if the concern is school quality. You can move to the md or VA suburbs.

OP absolutely said she threatened to kidnap her kids but not in the first post. She admitted she told her husband if he didn't agree to the move she would go without him and take the kids with her, interstate.
That's kidnapping. Men get prosecuted for it all the time. And thats when he told her if she tried it he would divorce her and seek full custody. It wasn't just an argument. She tried to blackmail him by threatening to kidnap the kids.

She even had a consult with a lawyer first so she was serious about actually doing it, it wasn't just heat of the moment and spoken in anger with no intention of following through. Fortunately her lawyer talked her.down.

So who is the bad parent and bad spouse here? Obviously the spouse who tries to blackmail the other spouse by threatening to take away the children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Exactly. It's about money and status. They don't hate the parental culture, they ARE the culture. They just dislike where they think they stand in it. They geoarbitage to a place where they feel they will have a higher relative status. Smaller pond so to speak.

Even if true, what is wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with that. There is something VERY wrong with threatening to kidnap the children if your husband disagrees with you about whether to move or not. Also, making up false reasons for wanting to move or calling it parental culture or other such euphemisms is just b.s.

No one in this thread is supporting the idea of kidnapping anyone. I don't really think that's what OP was talking about, but you seem obsessed with it for some reason.

I'm just saying there are lots of good reason why someone might want to move out of the DMV that have nothing to do with being upset that you aren't high status enough here. I know so many people who want to move and I don't think status really comes into play -- they are MC or UMC in DC, they would be UMC where they want to go, their main concerns are cost of housing, schools, and lower stress. It has nothing to do with status.

OP literally admitted that she threatened her husband with taking their children with her without his consent if he did not want to move to Princeton with her She left that out of her first post but mentioned it in a follow up post.

She also said when she talked to a lawyer about it he told her it wouldn't be a very good idea. More likely he told her she could get in very serious legal trouble for it.

It was AFTER she threatened to kidnap the children that her husband told her he would file for divorce and full custody of she followed through on her threat.

At first OP made it sound like her husband had threatened divorce simply because she wanted to move, but then she finally admitted that it was because she threatened to kidnap the children if he refused to move with her.

A totally different scenario than the OP initially presented.

It's completely understandable why anyone would want to move from the festering crime ridden but very diverse cesspool that is D.C. to the pristine Pastoral highly whitely privileged ivy university Hamlet of Princeton. That needs no explanation.

Would most people threaten to kidnap their own children because they hated d.c. so much? Probably not, although the number is probably growing every day.

I think you need a more challenging job, PP. you have arguments and energy to spare

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Exactly. It's about money and status. They don't hate the parental culture, they ARE the culture. They just dislike where they think they stand in it. They geoarbitage to a place where they feel they will have a higher relative status. Smaller pond so to speak.

Even if true, what is wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with that. There is something VERY wrong with threatening to kidnap the children if your husband disagrees with you about whether to move or not. Also, making up false reasons for wanting to move or calling it parental culture or other such euphemisms is just b.s.

No one in this thread is supporting the idea of kidnapping anyone. I don't really think that's what OP was talking about, but you seem obsessed with it for some reason.

I'm just saying there are lots of good reason why someone might want to move out of the DMV that have nothing to do with being upset that you aren't high status enough here. I know so many people who want to move and I don't think status really comes into play -- they are MC or UMC in DC, they would be UMC where they want to go, their main concerns are cost of housing, schools, and lower stress. It has nothing to do with status.

OP literally admitted that she threatened her husband with taking their children with her without his consent if he did not want to move to Princeton with her She left that out of her first post but mentioned it in a follow up post.

She also said when she talked to a lawyer about it he told her it wouldn't be a very good idea. More likely he told her she could get in very serious legal trouble for it.

It was AFTER she threatened to kidnap the children that her husband told her he would file for divorce and full custody of she followed through on her threat.

At first OP made it sound like her husband had threatened divorce simply because she wanted to move, but then she finally admitted that it was because she threatened to kidnap the children if he refused to move with her.

A totally different scenario than the OP initially presented.

It's completely understandable why anyone would want to move from the festering crime ridden but very diverse cesspool that is D.C. to the pristine Pastoral highly whitely privileged ivy university Hamlet of Princeton. That needs no explanation.

Would most people threaten to kidnap their own children because they hated d.c. so much? Probably not, although the number is probably growing every day.

I think you need a more challenging job, PP. you have arguments and energy to spare

It really sucks when an OP makes a fool out of you, you get invested vicariously in hatred of the OPs husband, then you find out she duped you. Crushing to your ego, it negates your narrative of woman good man bad.

A very valuable service which I am happy to provide free of charge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

It's funny to see how often the "people in DC are competitive and status obsessed" turns into "so we moved and now we have a big house in the best neighborhood."

Exactly. It's about money and status. They don't hate the parental culture, they ARE the culture. They just dislike where they think they stand in it. They geoarbitage to a place where they feel they will have a higher relative status. Smaller pond so to speak.

Even if true, what is wrong with that?

There is nothing wrong with that. There is something VERY wrong with threatening to kidnap the children if your husband disagrees with you about whether to move or not. Also, making up false reasons for wanting to move or calling it parental culture or other such euphemisms is just b.s.

No one in this thread is supporting the idea of kidnapping anyone. I don't really think that's what OP was talking about, but you seem obsessed with it for some reason.

I'm just saying there are lots of good reason why someone might want to move out of the DMV that have nothing to do with being upset that you aren't high status enough here. I know so many people who want to move and I don't think status really comes into play -- they are MC or UMC in DC, they would be UMC where they want to go, their main concerns are cost of housing, schools, and lower stress. It has nothing to do with status.

OP literally admitted that she threatened her husband with taking their children with her without his consent if he did not want to move to Princeton with her She left that out of her first post but mentioned it in a follow up post.

She also said when she talked to a lawyer about it he told her it wouldn't be a very good idea. More likely he told her she could get in very serious legal trouble for it.

It was AFTER she threatened to kidnap the children that her husband told her he would file for divorce and full custody of she followed through on her threat.

At first OP made it sound like her husband had threatened divorce simply because she wanted to move, but then she finally admitted that it was because she threatened to kidnap the children if he refused to move with her.

A totally different scenario than the OP initially presented.

It's completely understandable why anyone would want to move from the festering crime ridden but very diverse cesspool that is D.C. to the pristine Pastoral highly whitely privileged ivy university Hamlet of Princeton. That needs no explanation.

Would most people threaten to kidnap their own children because they hated d.c. so much? Probably not, although the number is probably growing every day.

Where did op say that? That was another poster who explored taking her kids and moving without consensus. More than one pp mentioned something along those lines. Many of us pps spoke on our own stories of wanting to move!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wherever you go, there you are.

Please, please, please stop quoting this! Do you think people haven’t heard this before? It is simply not true in a lot of cases. Where you live matters!

True, but only people who have resided elsewhere, or have a frame of reference better than the DC area, understand this.

Of course where you live matters.

This involves conflict between a wife who wants to move elsewhere vs. a husband who does not want to move elsewhere.


The wife is repeatedly saying all the reasons why she thinks DMV sucks and that her husband is an ahole because he won't move and she is ready to divorce him.

But all of the reasons she gave were untrue. Other than money. It's not the traffic it's not the weather it's not being close to family because she's talking about moving to Princeton. She said she can live cheaper in Princeton and they can make equal or more combined income there.

Now someone says it's "parenting culture.". Translation it's money and status. OP feels she can't live the comparative lifestyle she thinks she is entitled to in DMV and has a low rank in the parenting culture. She can't afford the best private schools. She cant afford.to live in the biggest house in the best neighborhoods with Barack and Michelle. She can't afford a new SUV every year.

In contrast, husband is satisfied with the money they make and the lifestyle they lead. May not put them at the top of the parental culture heap but is adequate.

Ops feelings and opinions are entitled to exactly zero priority more than her husband's. She has not given a single good reason to uproot the entire family to move to Princeton. It would disrupt both of their employment and the kids schooling to get what in return? She thinks she will wind up in a better neighborhood in a better house? Maybe maybe not. It's a gamble. You don't take major gambles like that with school age kids unless you have clear buy in from both parents. She doesn't. She is completely I persuasive.

"Wahhhhhh I am so unhappy and will divorce you if we don't move!!!" is not going to work on an actual man.

OP here - you are confusing me with other posters who are similarly unhappy in this thread.

1. I have never threatened my husband with divorce. And “parenting culture” isn’t a term that I used.
2. My family is local to Princeton. We absolutely could afford something better there and be proximate to them. And send them to the private school of our choice for cheaper than we do here. I’ve also reached out to the school where we would want our children to transfer to.
3. I have looked for jobs and obtained licenses/credentials that I need to move to Princeton. Moving would not disrupt our careers, since my husband could stay in his current job (which he loves) and there are several job prospects for me available up there. I know this because I check weekly.
4. The weather, traffic, and COL are better FOR ME in Princeton than they are here. It’s less humid, more temperate and more snowy. And contrary to some people’s beliefs in this thread, I don’t ski. I’m just a person with a love for all 4 seasons and milder, snowless winters are pretty awful to me.
5. My kids love the area and wish that they lived closer to family so that they could see them more. My husband constantly complains about how much nicer it would be to have family around. And none of that has to suit you because it’s not you or your move.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We lived in a tiny townhome in a middling to slightly depressing neighborhood in NOVA. Then we sold, moved out of the area to a mid-size city, and bought a gracious, large, 100-year-old home with a big, landscaped yard, a wrap-around porch. We are living in the best neighborhood in town, with good schools and walkable to a village center with tons of shops and restaurants.

Move.

Nothing is stopping her. She has the money to go and buy a house.

The whole issue is that she threatened to abduct her children across state lines to go with her in order to coerce her husband to agree to it.

That was dumb and probably criminal behavior. So she was trying to literally blackmail her husband into moving by threatening him with child abduction across state lines. Her own lawyer told her that wasn't a good idea.

If a guy did that to his wife here DCUM would be saying he's an unfit parent.

Because the genders are switched she's a DCUM hero for actually blackmailing her husband by threatening to commit felony child abduction.

Nah. OP is lucky her husband didn't file criminal charges against her.

Time for her to STFU about this before she gets.herself in real trouble listening to the DCUM whacko feminist squad.

OP here - this is hilarious 😆 but you are confusing me with somebody else. I never once threatened to abduct my kids. And I would never do that - I love my husband and he’s an excellent dad, we just don’t see eye-to-eye about where to live.