How was the excluded friend even in the group text chain? Or am I misunderstanding? |
Yes. Because two things can be true at the same time. Both moms and both kids could have handled the situation better. |
We' ll never know because OP purposefully blurred the details about what was said, while adding useless details about how " cool" her kid is. |
NP here and I think generally this is true. However, my DD and my friend's DD were friends and then had some huge blow-out maybe in 8th or 9th--not exactly sure about what, because I didn't get too involved. Anyways, the other mom and me would walk or hike every Tuesday morning. We continued to do that. We have acknowledged that our kids don't interact or get along, the most that has been said about it is something along the lines like "they are too much alike, too rigid" Our kids oddly went to the same college across the country and are in adjacent dorms, and still don't interact. They are 20 now. Over the high school years, the mom and I still kept our weekly walking date, and also we each discussed when our kids were difficult. (both our kids can be difficult). We never tell our kids what is going on with the other kid. It works! But it was because both moms were on the same page as to how to handle it. But this situation OP describes, the other mom is setting up to blow it for everyone. OP, agree with this PP and other PPs who say to let the mom know that you thought your DD didn't handle it well, that you instructed her how to handle it better, and you are sorry that her DD was hurt. And that you are staying out of her affairs as "our kids are teens and we moms can guide our kids, but have to let them work it out themselves" etc |
You have completely missed the point, but that's ok. He wasn't getting invited because they didn't want to hang out with him - and that was ultimately ok, because if they didn't want to spend time with him, he's better off now that he is with other kids who do. |
... So the same should hold true for the excluded girl in the OP. |
DP here. You get it, and I am grateful. There was actually a stalker mom who tried to get my DC in trouble for not hanging out with her child - it was as crazy as it sounds, and the administrators thought so too. Good on you for doing your child right. |
Same at my oldest kid's school. The queen bee's mom made the queen bee the queen by letting her host house parties with no adults. They were hosted in the family's empty rental property. Absolutely crazy, but thats how you become popular and cool. |
Former friend needs to learn to take the hint when someone is phasing you out because lots of women do this to each other. Women are the queens of ghosting.
Can you imagine an adult approaching you and asking to hang out with you and your friends!?!? I’d be weirded out if someone asked me that. OP’s DD could probably find a nicer way to say no. |
The moms are way too involved. I say this as a parent of one kid who could care less about being cool and another with SN who has had been on the receiving end of far worse. I teach my kids resilience skills and get them therapy when needed. I do not tell people's mommy's on them. If something really bad is happening at school and my kid has tried all the strategies and it continues, I might let them know MY kid is struggling with dynamics without blaming everyone else.
I never cared about being cool. I had a neighborhood friend by convenience in preschool early elementary. By the time I was approaching tweendom-when real connection mattered I drifted away. She had a very sweet exterior, but was pretty judgmental and mean girl behind closed doors. Her mom was livid I was drifting and got my mom involved who berated me and tried to insist we be friends again. For years the mom would glare at me in the neighborhood and my mom would tell me how embarrassed it made her that I was so awful. This girl could not function in the world beyond social engineering. She dropped out of grad school and has never had a job for very long and for decades her mom would still talk to my mom about how everything that went wrong with her daughter was someone else's fault-first me, then other girls, the roommates, then coworkers. |
+2 |
I have a MS girl and I agree with this 100 percent. I want her friends to like her for who she is, not because they pity her or their moms are all friends and force them to. How are you ever going to make real friends if you are hanging with people who aren't? |
I'm not sure the first part is always true unless the only thing you had in common was your kids' friendship. If not, then it depends on personalities and how mature the moms are about the realities of kid relationships. |
I have boys this age. I have heard how sensitive girls are about being left out and generally being insecure at this age. Social media is the worst because girls post and other girls feel left out. They also have image issues with how attractive they are. Hard time to have a girl. |
It sounds like OP’s daughter could have handled it better. If the other girl asked to hang out, she could have said she already had plans and left it at that. Maybe that is what happened and other girl was overly sensitive. Maybe OP’s daughter was meaner. It sounds like she was mean. I don’t necessarily think not including is excluding. I was shy and I personally preferred smaller groups. I still do prefer this. |