Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter was mean to a girl she's known for years because she's too sporty? Even telling this from your point of view you can't quite cover up that your kid is in the wrong.

Every adult doesn't need to "pick sides" but if you're willing to get involved in your DD's social life enough to read her texts, you can stay involved enough to tell her she was unkind and owes the other girl an apology. They don't have to be friends or ever hang out, but in your own words here you're raising a mean girl and you seem somewhere between fine with it and proud of it.

[Anonymous]

My kids are younger than yours, but I don’t get involved in their friend issues beyond talking to them about basic behavioral and kindness expectations. It’s unrealistic to believe friends from k will hold the same interests and continue to have great chemistry through hs. So you need to tell the other mom how much you value your friendship with her, and that you are upset that her daughter’s feelings were hurt, but that you both need to let them sort it out as a critical part of their growing maturity.

[Anonymous]

A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

[Anonymous]

The other mom is a loser for pulling the entire adult friend group in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

DP here, kids make mistakes. Sounds like OP addressed it. The friend leaving school early and her mom making an issue of it sounds like high drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter was mean to a girl she's known for years because she's too sporty? Even telling this from your point of view you can't quite cover up that your kid is in the wrong.

Every adult doesn't need to "pick sides" but if you're willing to get involved in your DD's social life enough to read her texts, you can stay involved enough to tell her she was unkind and owes the other girl an apology. They don't have to be friends or ever hang out, but in your own words here you're raising a mean girl and you seem somewhere between fine with it and proud of it.

1. Where does it say anything about being "too" sporty? It doesn't.
2. Every parent should read a child's text to monitor.
3. Where does it say, "I am raising a mean girl." It doesn't.

[Anonymous]

I agree with you that kids need to be allowed to outgrow their friends and move on. How to do that is really tricky - for adults as well as kids - but not wanting to hang out with someone she doesn't feel connected to certainly doesn't make her mean or a bully in an of itself. I think there is almost no way around this being a really dicey situation for the moms though, and certainly saw a number of mom friendships blow up when kids were going through similar things. So I think you just be the bigger person, be kind, give your kid some grace while also expecting her to be kind to people she is moving away from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter was mean to a girl she's known for years because she's too sporty? Even telling this from your point of view you can't quite cover up that your kid is in the wrong.

Every adult doesn't need to "pick sides" but if you're willing to get involved in your DD's social life enough to read her texts, you can stay involved enough to tell her she was unkind and owes the other girl an apology. They don't have to be friends or ever hang out, but in your own words here you're raising a mean girl and you seem somewhere between fine with it and proud of it.

1. Where does it say anything about being "too" sporty? It doesn't.
2. Every parent should read a child's text to monitor.
3. Where does it say, "I am raising a mean girl." It doesn't.

Yeah, you're proud of it. Weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your daughter was mean to a girl she's known for years because she's too sporty? Even telling this from your point of view you can't quite cover up that your kid is in the wrong.

Every adult doesn't need to "pick sides" but if you're willing to get involved in your DD's social life enough to read her texts, you can stay involved enough to tell her she was unkind and owes the other girl an apology. They don't have to be friends or ever hang out, but in your own words here you're raising a mean girl and you seem somewhere between fine with it and proud of it.

1. Where does it say anything about being "too" sporty? It doesn't.
2. Every parent should read a child's text to monitor.
3. Where does it say, "I am raising a mean girl." It doesn't.

Yeah, you're proud of it. Weird.

Move along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

You already did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

You already did.

Genuinely curious: How so? Are people supposed to meet in K and remain friends for life?

[Anonymous]

You're wrong, your daughter was wrong, the other girl was wrong, and the other girl's mother was wrong.

You should be encouraging your DD to be friends with people who have different interests from her and aren't only just like her.

Your daughter needs to learn tact and to be kind in rejection.

The other girl needs a backbone and shouldn't be so upset by a tactless rejection (no, you're boring) that she needs to leave school early.

The other girl's mom needs to encourage her daughter to have a backbone and needs to stop gossiping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with you that kids need to be allowed to outgrow their friends and move on. How to do that is really tricky - for adults as well as kids - but not wanting to hang out with someone she doesn't feel connected to certainly doesn't make her mean or a bully in an of itself. I think there is almost no way around this being a really dicey situation for the moms though, and certainly saw a number of mom friendships blow up when kids were going through similar things. So I think you just be the bigger person, be kind, give your kid some grace while also expecting her to be kind to people she is moving away from.

I think this is spot on and I think you have to reiterate what pp said above to the other mom. You can highlight to the other mom that you don't think that your DD handled her response in the most appropriate way and that you've reiterated the importance of being kind but that you can't get involved in her friendships at this age.