Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Other mom: how dare you exclude my child!
Also other mom: let's exclude OP!

[Anonymous]

1. If your kid is on the dropper end, you MUST teach them to be kind. This situation can leave deep emotional wounds for the kids being dropped, and how your child handles this is going to be a huge part of forming their character as adults.

2. If your kid is being dropped, recognize that this is a very normal part of middle school and sometimes even high school. Acknowledge to your child that it is hard, but also very normal for everyone to go through a change like this. It is a sign of growing up and growing into the unique person they were meant to be. Help them process the emotions, help them find their interests and groups of kids who share those interests. Middle school clubs are crucial. Also teach them NOW that they do not need people in their lives who are actually mean to them. It is a big world, and there are lots of good people in it. Drop the old notions of what is "cool" and find the good people who appreciate you.

3. Both sets of kids (and parents) need to learn to have empathy for each other. They are all going through the same chaos, and not everyone is going to handle it well. Don't let people get away with being mean or being stalkers, but have empathy for what they are going through that is causing this bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other mom: how dare you exclude my child!
Also other mom: let's exclude OP!

OP: Justifying why her kid is excluding and being a mean girl.
Also OP: I'm being excluded and other mom is being mean.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to teach your child to learn how to communicate, kindly and directly, *in person*, not over text.

You also need to understanding that while excluding others is common, being casual about it (as you are), shouldn't be the norm. Particularly in cases like this, where childhood friends have grown apart, there are ways to be kind while still preserving the newer, closer friendships. I mean, you can thoughtlessly exclude others all you want, but usually that comes around to bite you in the end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other mom: how dare you exclude my child!
Also other mom: let's exclude OP!

OP: Justifying why her kid is excluding and being a mean girl.
Also OP: I'm being excluded and other mom is being mean.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other mom: how dare you exclude my child!
Also other mom: let's exclude OP!

OP: Justifying why her kid is excluding and being a mean girl.
Also OP: I'm being excluded and other mom is being mean.

Nahhh. "other mom" made a mountain over a molehill. The other mom is off her rocker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other mom: how dare you exclude my child!
Also other mom: let's exclude OP!

OP: Justifying why her kid is excluding and being a mean girl.
Also OP: I'm being excluded and other mom is being mean.

+1000

+2000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other mom: how dare you exclude my child!
Also other mom: let's exclude OP!

OP: Justifying why her kid is excluding and being a mean girl.
Also OP: I'm being excluded and other mom is being mean.

Nahhh. "other mom" made a mountain over a molehill. The other mom is off her rocker.

She really didn't, though. And only other mean girls and their mom woudl think that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

DP. Though I disagree with the PPs, and do believe that “growing apart” is a thing, it’s also(often) the non-political equivalent of a dog whistle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

Nah, it's not a thing.

People changing does not stop you from being friends with them. It might lead to less close friendships, but not stop you from doing something you actually enjoy. You stop being friends because they become too annoying in one way or the other.

I will give you an example: I like watching movies on the couch. I have a friend who thinks it's a boring thing to do. She likes going out with large groups of friends. I dislike most of her friends. We are growing apart in that sense. If she invites me out with her friends I turn her down every time. If I invite her to watch TV, she turns me down almost every time.

However, if I decided I wanted to hangout with her group, she will be thrilled. If she decided she wanted to watch TV with me, I will be thrilled. There is no reason why I would turn her down for an activity that I enjoy. And she won't turn me down fir an activity she enjoys.

In OP's case the other girl was not trying to do something different from what OP's DD already wanted. She wanted to join OP's DD in something OP's DD thought was fun. There is no growing apart there. OP's DD thinks this girl is annoying. Nothing wrong with it, but let's not pretend otherwise.