Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

I agree. This girl has known OP's daughter for YEARS. Even if they aren't best friends, OP's daughter needs to be inclusive. Invite the girl to hang out until she finds her footing. It's the beginning of the school year/end of summer. Lots of friend groups are changing. Eventually the girl will find new friends or realize that OP's daughter doesn't want to be friends and start hanging out with only the other girls in the original group.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

Sadly this is true. I learned it the hard way when the women I thought were my closest friends scattered to the winds once our daughters were no longer a friend group (midway through DD's 8th grade year, after lots of drama). I was naive, and it took a long time for me to recover and to build new friendships elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

I agree. This girl has known OP's daughter for YEARS. Even if they aren't best friends, OP's daughter needs to be inclusive. Invite the girl to hang out until she finds her footing. It's the beginning of the school year/end of summer. Lots of friend groups are changing. Eventually the girl will find new friends or realize that OP's daughter doesn't want to be friends and start hanging out with only the other girls in the original group.

No, she doesn't. I'm starting to think some of you don't have kids or at least not t(w)eens.

I am not OP but I have a 7th grader, and there are friends my kid has known for YEARS, like since K... whom they talk to pretty much never. Friendly. Not enemies. But have drifted away. In different groups. No logical parent would say, "Oh yeah whatever you are doing now, you need to include those friends you have had since early elementary if they want to be included." I don't think the moms of even the most socially awkward kids I know would advocate for this.

Also - OP did not say that the other girl has no one to hang out with.

Sure she does, esp. in the moment. Unless the kid is wiling to explain WHY they're not hanging more or she's not invite. OPs kid is a coward and she took the easy way out. Just exclude. That's what's mean.

[Anonymous]

OP’s daughter invited the other girl to her birthday party, which seems to imply friendship. Then a few weeks later when the other girl asked if she could hang out with OP’s daughter and her new friends, OP’s daughter said no. It sounds like she was a little mean in the texts, or at least unkind

She should not have been unkind in the texts. But, for example, my son invites a boy almost a year younger (who we have known for a long time, who he was friends with for many years, and whose mom is a friend of mine) to his birthday get togethers (which are usually cookouts in our back yard with his friends and a few family friends). He does this because I ask and expect him to. If it were up to him, he would likely not extend the invite, even though he doesn't dislike this boy. If this boy asked him to hang out with him and his friends, he would likely say yes one time, but not be thrilled about it, and try to avoid extending a follow up invite. It's not because he has anything against the kid - he's just a childhood friend vs. a current friend, and also not as mature as DS and his friends due to age difference.

[Anonymous]

Also, my son has some social skills issues due to ADHD, and has had some former friends no longer want to hang out with him. It was somewhat hurtful at the time (I was not close with their moms, just hurtful for DS). However, realistically, he was better off being on his own for a little bit and ultimately connecting with boys he has more in common with than for these kids to have invited him along to things or agreed to let him come out of pity. There are people who legitimately want to be friends with him, just not those particular boys, and he deserves better than to be someone's pity friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

Sadly this is true. I learned it the hard way when the women I thought were my closest friends scattered to the winds once our daughters were no longer a friend group (midway through DD's 8th grade year, after lots of drama). I was naive, and it took a long time for me to recover and to build new friendships elsewhere.

Yep. Our implosion happened in 9th grade but same story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

Even OP admits the daughter wasn't nice. And is avoiding answering the question. So, what did she actually say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

They were hanging out not going to a formal dinner. You've never asked someone to tag along or go with someone in those circumstances? Especially with a friend? GTFOH. Of course you have and there is zero wrong with it. If OPs DD didn't want her to come she should have the ability to tell her why ("Sorry XX, it's just this group of friends tonight. I feel like we are going in different directions lately and I think I just need a break.") Or whatever, something that tells the girl why and where she stands. That is not asking a lot, esp when the alternative is just to be really mean with no explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

You already did.

Genuinely curious: How so? Are people supposed to meet in K and remain friends for life?

OP said her daughter was being exclusionary, and unkind in the process. OP also attributes the separation between the girls and the resulting exclusion to her daughter being more "cool" than the artsy girl (what kind of a 90's movie are we in, btw?). So her daughter is unkindly excluding people for not being cool according to the standard at their particular school - that's pretty much the definition of a mean girl.

Of course OP also says "it's nothing personal" and then a few lines later says her daughter doesn't like the girl. She's all over the place.

I agree. How mean of your DD and the other girls to drop a longtime friend. You “cool” daughter is awful.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have an opportunity here to teach your DD why it was so hurtful to do what she did.

I get the sense that you won’t do that, because it sounds like you’re pretty haughty about your DD being the cool one.

Try modeling kindness maybe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I am the mom of a very artsy, creative teen who was dropped by several “cooler,” sportier girls, some of whose mothers are also my friends. Being on the other side of this, I really think moms need to back off and let the kids work it out. Yes, feelings get hurt and it’s very hard to go through, but intervening is not going to help. They’ll discover what THEY want out of their friendships, not what their moms want them to want. Forcing kids to include others that they don’t want around just makes it so painful and awkward for everyone.

The schools mine go to or have gone to don’t think someone’s cool because of the activities they pursue. The “cool” group are a bunch of kids who hang out together usually because they have excellent social skills, they are into boyfriends/girlfriends earlier than most and usually start drinking and having mixed parties before anyone else. Based on my experience the mean spirited girls are egged on my crazy mothers who obsess about popularity. There was one girl, chubby, unattractive, no outside interests but she was very popular because her mother orchestrated basement parties in their huge house, alcohol allowed. Crazy

You are horrible for disparaging the female student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you have an opportunity here to teach your DD why it was so hurtful to do what she did.

I get the sense that you won’t do that, because it sounds like you’re pretty haughty about your DD being the cool one.

Try modeling kindness maybe?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, my son has some social skills issues due to ADHD, and has had some former friends no longer want to hang out with him. It was somewhat hurtful at the time (I was not close with their moms, just hurtful for DS). However, realistically, he was better off being on his own for a little bit and ultimately connecting with boys he has more in common with than for these kids to have invited him along to things or agreed to let him come out of pity. There are people who legitimately want to be friends with him, just not those particular boys, and he deserves better than to be someone's pity friend.

You are the one making the friendships pity friendships. I hope you are not passing down that kind of messaging to your son. He deserves much better than you thinking he is a pity invite to any event.

We are social beings. A huge part of being social is being graceful, kind and sometimes open to others who do not exactly fit your mold. These kids inviting yours in no way stops your son from seeking out friendships or from realizing that they are not the perfect fit for him. You can still enjoy the company of a group of people you are not in perfect sync with.

We all are going to be the odd one out at some point. This is life.

[Anonymous]

I can only imagine this post from the other mom. Y'all would be eviscerating her for getting involved and telling her to teach her kid that life isn't fair and to suck it up.