Friend group is blowing up due to rift between teen girls

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other mom: how dare you exclude my child!
Also other mom: let's exclude OP!

OP: Justifying why her kid is excluding and being a mean girl.
Also OP: I'm being excluded and other mom is being mean.

Nahhh. "other mom" made a mountain over a molehill. The other mom is off her rocker.

Brunch granny weighs in with her quaint, old-timey idioms. We missed you!

Stop trying to make brunch granny happen.

Then stop talking like an 80 year old meemaw.

You first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

If you’re an adult, you’re the absolute weirdo.

Kids are allowed to have preferences! Would you really invite a friend over again if she was awful the last time?

Where does it say the other girl was “awful the last time”?

They're just making stuff up at this point. Anything to support the idea that you don't have to tell your kid to behave kindly.

Honestly, even if OP's kid doesn't like this kid, even if she's weird af, even if she would destroy OP's kid's standing in her new social group in the first week of school if she was allowed to hang out with her - what kind of kid learns that their text sent another kid home in tears and . . . feels nothing? No apology from their own conscience, mom doesn't tell you to send an apology right now while I'm watching, no repercussions for hurting someone who has been a family friend for most of your life? Kids mess up. It's OP's refusal to correct her kid, and insistence that this is a side effect of "cool"ness, that is most strange. I'd expect my kid to apologize if she brought a stranger to tears, let alone one of my friends' kids who she has been friends with for years. Even if I thought the kid's tears were an over the top reaction.

+1.

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

There's no graceful tactful way to say no to that because it's a rude thing to do, to invite yourself along.

Right. No one seems to be addressing this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

Nobody is saying the other mom was right to do what she did. Nobody is saying the teens shouldn’t figure it out on their own.

I’m asking you, would you really say no to a friend (invited to your recent birthday party) who wanted to join you in hanging out with other friends? If you did, would it be mean?

Maybe it was a ticketed event. Maybe there were only so many seats in mom’s minivan. Maybe the friend group is going to make out with boys at the movie theatre and the other girl is still playing with her American girl dolls. Do you have teens or tweens? Girls mature at radically different rates than each other.

Yes, I have teens.

OP said “hanging out” twice, which makes me think there was room for another girl.

She also said, “It isn’t personal.” And then she said, “But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl.” That sounds kind of personal.

At any rate, it’s not about whether the girls are different, or more or less mature than each other, or anything else. It’s really just an opportunity to teach the DD about how to be nice. But instead, the OP seems much more focused on the fallout for herself.

This reminds me of a Supernanny episode.

Mother: Larla pinched Larlette!
Outraged Larla: I didn't pinch her! I hit her!

Lollll

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

Nah, it's not a thing.

People changing does not stop you from being friends with them. It might lead to less close friendships, but not stop you from doing something you actually enjoy. You stop being friends because they become too annoying in one way or the other.

I will give you an example: I like watching movies on the couch. I have a friend who thinks it's a boring thing to do. She likes going out with large groups of friends. I dislike most of her friends. We are growing apart in that sense. If she invites me out with her friends I turn her down every time. If I invite her to watch TV, she turns me down almost every time.

However, if I decided I wanted to hangout with her group, she will be thrilled. If she decided she wanted to watch TV with me, I will be thrilled. There is no reason why I would turn her down for an activity that I enjoy. And she won't turn me down fir an activity she enjoys.

In OP's case the other girl was not trying to do something different from what OP's DD already wanted. She wanted to join OP's DD in something OP's DD thought was fun. There is no growing apart there. OP's DD thinks this girl is annoying. Nothing wrong with it, but let's not pretend otherwise.

It's not a thing because of your personal experience? Because you think people changing doesn't stop you from being friends with them? Okay. Sure. Friends, at least close ones, are more than activity partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

Nah, it's not a thing.

People changing does not stop you from being friends with them. It might lead to less close friendships, but not stop you from doing something you actually enjoy. You stop being friends because they become too annoying in one way or the other.

I will give you an example: I like watching movies on the couch. I have a friend who thinks it's a boring thing to do. She likes going out with large groups of friends. I dislike most of her friends. We are growing apart in that sense. If she invites me out with her friends I turn her down every time. If I invite her to watch TV, she turns me down almost every time.

However, if I decided I wanted to hangout with her group, she will be thrilled. If she decided she wanted to watch TV with me, I will be thrilled. There is no reason why I would turn her down for an activity that I enjoy. And she won't turn me down fir an activity she enjoys.

In OP's case the other girl was not trying to do something different from what OP's DD already wanted. She wanted to join OP's DD in something OP's DD thought was fun. There is no growing apart there. OP's DD thinks this girl is annoying. Nothing wrong with it, but let's not pretend otherwise.

It's not a thing because of your personal experience? Because you think people changing doesn't stop you from being friends with them? Okay. Sure. Friends, at least close ones, are more than activity partners.

I took care of the bolded in the first paragraph. You don't have to be close friends with an old friend to enjoy their company.

Aren't most of us giving personal experiences here? Why is that an issue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other mom: how dare you exclude my child!
Also other mom: let's exclude OP!

OP: Justifying why her kid is excluding and being a mean girl.
Also OP: I'm being excluded and other mom is being mean.

Nahhh. "other mom" made a mountain over a molehill. The other mom is off her rocker.

Brunch granny weighs in with her quaint, old-timey idioms. We missed you!

Stop trying to make brunch granny happen.

Seriously. "Brunch granny" isn't a thing. NP to this discussion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hope my real friends (not "our kids know each other so we're a tight mom clique" friends) will punch me in the throat if I ever tell a story about how cool my DD has become that hinges on everyone agreeing with my definition of the difference between exclusionary and bullying.

I hope my real friends punch me in the throat if I start bellyaching in the group chat about how my kid has no resilience and start begging for head pats for raising a loser.

Is this OP?

OFC it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve decided that unfortunately mom friends have an expiration date. It’s almost always too awkward to continue socializing when your kids are gojng in different directions. It’s a huge bummer.
But I think you should go for a drink with the other mom. Just say you are bummed the girls aren’t as close as they once were but kids grow up and make their own choices and it looks like your girls just aren’t in the same place right now. But you hope you adults can still be friends because you do really like hanging out. And maybe some day your daughters will find their way back to each other as friends. I e seen that happen too — in 3 years they could be in the same club and want to hang out again. This age is particularly rough because kids are trying on new identities and stuff is very much in flux.

This is good advice.

I would not be intervening in teenagers' friendships; the other mom is setting a bad example for her daughter and putting you all in an awkward position. Encourage kindness, don't allow bullying, but also don't force your child to be friends with people she's outgrown. Women are told to just be nice and not hurt people's feelings too often . . . relationships are a two way street and no one should be forced to walk down the road with someone they don't really like.

There's no such thing as outgrowing a friend and you can never have too many friends. You don't have to stay besties, but there's no reason to completely drop a long time friend (without cause at least). Just keep being kind and respectful and let things fall where they may.

This is very naive and untrue.

Yeah I don't buy that outgrowing friends is a thing. If a friendship dissolves, it's usually for a bigger reason. Plenty of kids stay friends even if new friends are made and kids discover other interests

Yep. I still have friends from as far back as middle school, and I am in my 40s.

I have " outgrown" some friends. There are bigger reasons behind every friend I have outgrown.

You all don't think outgrowing friends *in childhood* is a thing? Huh? Kids grow and change - adolescents especially so. "Outgrowing" may not be the best phrasing - maybe growing along different paths? Growing apart? That absolutely happens, as kids/teens choose different activities, grow different parts of their personalities, etc. And my best friend is someone I've known since I was three years old (40+ years ago) - but I know that's not the norm.

I'm not saying the OP's DD handled the situation well, I have no clue. But thinking that people, particularly children, don't grow apart as they age is bizarre.

Nah, it's not a thing.

People changing does not stop you from being friends with them. It might lead to less close friendships, but not stop you from doing something you actually enjoy. You stop being friends because they become too annoying in one way or the other.

I will give you an example: I like watching movies on the couch. I have a friend who thinks it's a boring thing to do. She likes going out with large groups of friends. I dislike most of her friends. We are growing apart in that sense. If she invites me out with her friends I turn her down every time. If I invite her to watch TV, she turns me down almost every time.

However, if I decided I wanted to hangout with her group, she will be thrilled. If she decided she wanted to watch TV with me, I will be thrilled. There is no reason why I would turn her down for an activity that I enjoy. And she won't turn me down fir an activity she enjoys.

In OP's case the other girl was not trying to do something different from what OP's DD already wanted. She wanted to join OP's DD in something OP's DD thought was fun. There is no growing apart there. OP's DD thinks this girl is annoying. Nothing wrong with it, but let's not pretend otherwise.

It's not a thing because of your personal experience? Because you think people changing doesn't stop you from being friends with them? Okay. Sure. Friends, at least close ones, are more than activity partners.

I took care of the bolded in the first paragraph. You don't have to be close friends with an old friend to enjoy their company.

Aren't most of us giving personal experiences here? Why is that an issue?

No, you don't have to be close friends with an old friend to enjoy their company; this situation is not old college friends getting together because one is in town for work.

As for personal experiences, if they're someone's sole basis for belief in... most things, really, then their opinion's not credible. "It's not true because it didn't happen to me!" is not rational. Sharing personal experiences about how to handle a given situation, or how something made someone feel, sure.

I'm not defending the OP or her DD, either. The OP seems far too cavalier about her child hurting someone else's feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

OP please hear this.
They didn’t “grow apart”—your daughter ditched a girl she used to be friends with to hang with a cooler crowd. I know you want it to sound natural and mutual, but the entire event/upset as you described it was literally that the friend wanted to hang out with your DD *and her new friends* and your DD and new friends said no.
Now Imagine being the mom of the lone girl in the text thread who is asking to hang out and is being told by all the other girls on the text thread (including the daughter of one of your friends) that they don’t want her to hang out with them.
With that lens , can you possibly see where it feels cruel and very much like your DD was participating in bullying and ostracizing her?

I know you want it to just be a mutual organic breakup bc their interests took them in different directions. But that’s not what this is. Your daugher is the one doing the breaking up. And it’s hurtful to the other girl. And it wasn’t kind or gentle. It was public (in front of these other girls) and humiliating because all she was trying to do is continue to be included.

Yes, girls do grow apart and friend groups sometimes shift. But this wasn’t that.
You didn’t properly coach your daughter that she doesn’t need to be UNKIND in order to not spend as much time with the former friend as she used to.

Makes me sad that you can’t see the hurt that this other woman’s daughter is experiencing due to your daughters actions.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read all the replies but op don't worry. Your child has the right to be friends with who they want to be friends with. My time is spent with only people I enjoy spending time with.

You don't need a reason to end a relationship.

This applies to all relationships platonic, marriage or familial.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

There's no graceful tactful way to say no to that because it's a rude thing to do, to invite yourself along.

Right. No one seems to be addressing this.

+1. If artsy daughter were mine, I’d tell her not to spend time over people who don’t see her value, and to find friends who do. Keep up her self-esteem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot to unpack here but what type of example are you setting for your daughter?

If she was mean to the other girl and purposely exclusionary just because she's weird/wears glasses/braces/whatever silly reason she needs to apologize.

OP here. No, she just is not friends with her any longer and has no desire to hang out with her. There isn't a silly reason - they grew apart. I talked with her about how to pull away more gracefully, but she's not just arbitrarily dropping someone due to wearing glasses.

It sounds like the other girl actually asked to hang out with your daughter and her new friends, and your daughter said no. Is that right?

That’s not “drifting away” from old friends due to a lack of shared interests. It is actually a little mean. Exclusion is one of the key types of relational aggression that girls engage in, I think.

So the other girl was trying to invite herself along and it didn't work. And y'all are blaming OP's DD?

I’m the PP you’re quoting. I’m not blaming anyone - though the OP did basically acknowledge that her DD was mean.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes a minute. Say you had a long-time friend, and you invited her to your birthday party just a few weeks before. Then she asks if she can join you and your other friends to hang out - which she probably only knows you’re doing because you told her. Are you really going to say no?

Not everyone is going to be invited to everything every time. That’s just… life. It’s not the end of the world to learn that lesson. I bet the long time friend reached out, tried to invite herself, the OP’s kid didn’t know how to say no gracefully / tactfully. Because they’re kids! Maybe long time friend was an absolute weirdo at the bday party. This is the age where some kids mature way quicker than others.

Instead, long time friend’s mom brought a gun to a knife fight and kicked it up a huge notch. The long time friend getting an early dismissal from school over this is a huge red flag that the child is a bit socially immature. Tween / teen is an age where you have to let these kids figure it out (within reason, of course). A rude text isn’t going to kill anyone.

There's no graceful tactful way to say no to that because it's a rude thing to do, to invite yourself along.

Right. No one seems to be addressing this.

+1. If artsy daughter were mine, I’d tell her not to spend time over people who don’t see her value, and to find friends who do. Keep up her self-esteem

But it’s not artsy daughter’s mom who wrote the post.
Obviously that would be great if she had the self esteem to not want to be friends with someone who don’t see her value.
But that’s not who we are addressing.

We are addressing OP who is the mom of the child who (along with her new cooler friends) made it clear to the other child that she no longer has value to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been tight with about six other moms since Kindergarten. Our girls have always been close. Moms genuinely close too. But I know it's always a danger to meet through kids - though I thought our friendship transcended this. I was maybe naive.

My DD has begun pulling away from one of the girls in the group. It is not personal. They have different interests. However, my DD is seen as a "cool" girl because she is sporty, and the other girl is more artsy and creative. Well apparently, there was a text spat between the girls - or some kind of misunderstanding - where the former friend wanted to hang out with DD and her new friends and my DD said no. The girl became incredibly upset, left school early, came come in tears, and the mom -- my friend -- got mad at me for allowing my DD to "drop" and bully her child.

I saw the texts and immediately talked to my own DD. My DD should have and could have been kinder in declining hanging out. But she wasn't bullying. She was excluding. But they just don't have anything in common and she does not really like this girl. But now the other mom is asking our friends to pick sides, complaining about my DD to our mutual friends, and wants to invite me to drinks to discuss what to do going into the new year.

I just feel sick over this whole thing and have zero desire to get involved in my child's social life in this way. I also do not want to raise a mean girl, but I think my kid should be able to drift from friends as a relationship ages out without repercussions. Anyone BTDT? I do still like the mother but this is putting a strain on our longtime circle.

Exclusion is a form of bullying, so it it bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read all the replies but op don't worry. Your child has the right to be friends with who they want to be friends with. My time is spent with only people I enjoy spending time with.

You don't need a reason to end a relationship.

This applies to all relationships platonic, marriage or familial.

Sure, Hard-as-Nails, OP’s child has that right to end any friendship she wants. And she can even do it in a non-subtle, nasty callous manner, just as in this case.

But she can’t expect the relationships connected to that will be immune to any hurt or impact from it.

If we are friends, I can accept that your daughter has decided she is “too sporty” to want to be friends with my daughter that she has known since kindergarten, but don’t expect me to treat it as “they” grew apart. Do you ever notice that it’s always the moms of the daughters who do the hurting who are the ones making the rules about what everyone else should think is completely fine for their daughters to tolerate?