So tired of MIL acting like she’s the hostess in my home

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bad host. You obviously refuse to take responsibility as to why your MIL feels compelled to offer guests food. BECAUSE THEY ARE STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!@

You really need to take some medication. No one is starving at 3pm and requires wine and snacks. But go on with your crazy self. It’s amusing.

You're gaslighting. This hostess needs the meds for her severe OCD and rigid meal restrictions.

I’m gaslighting someone who posted in all caps that at 3pm, people are starving followed by 10 exclamation marks when none of that was true? Really? Yeah, no. Please enlighten us to the post where OP has rigid meal restrictions and where she says no one can eat outside of the regular meal times. What page and time stamp?

Un read the OP its right there. Not at 3. Only at 5 when the host will serve those things.

Yes, here is the quote: She starts offering people wine and snacks at 3 p.m., when DH and I serve those things at 5 p.m. Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.”

The issue is that the MIL is taking it upon herself to start serving others. OP isn’t here complaining that her MIL or any other guest is hungry and asking for a snack or that MIL went to the kitchen to help herself to something. The issue is that MIL is taking it upon herself as if she is the host to prepare and serve snacks to everyone. Mind you, no one is starving at 3pm. But hey, if MIL is hungry, she’s welcome to snack. What’s she’s not welcome to do is act as if she is the hostess and prepare snacks and wine to serve others. She’s a guest. That’s the issue OP and her spouse are having.

My interpretation was different. Just let the people eat. Sheesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bad host. You obviously refuse to take responsibility as to why your MIL feels compelled to offer guests food. BECAUSE THEY ARE STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!@

You really need to take some medication. No one is starving at 3pm and requires wine and snacks. But go on with your crazy self. It’s amusing.

You're gaslighting. This hostess needs the meds for her severe OCD and rigid meal restrictions.

I’m gaslighting someone who posted in all caps that at 3pm, people are starving followed by 10 exclamation marks when none of that was true? Really? Yeah, no. Please enlighten us to the post where OP has rigid meal restrictions and where she says no one can eat outside of the regular meal times. What page and time stamp?

Un read the OP its right there. Not at 3. Only at 5 when the host will serve those things.

Yes, here is the quote: She starts offering people wine and snacks at 3 p.m., when DH and I serve those things at 5 p.m. Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.”

The issue is that the MIL is taking it upon herself to start serving others. OP isn’t here complaining that her MIL or any other guest is hungry and asking for a snack or that MIL went to the kitchen to help herself to something. The issue is that MIL is taking it upon herself as if she is the host to prepare and serve snacks to everyone. Mind you, no one is starving at 3pm. But hey, if MIL is hungry, she’s welcome to snack. What’s she’s not welcome to do is act as if she is the hostess and prepare snacks and wine to serve others. She’s a guest. That’s the issue OP and her spouse are having.

My interpretation was different. Just let the people eat. Sheesh.

It's a bit unclear. Offering food and wine could mean actually serving it. Or it could be simply asking if people are hungry/thirsty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing that in your MIL's mind she's just trying to be helpful and feels guilty that she is not hosting (even if she doesn't actually want to be hosting). Maybe she's just bored sitting around your house and is trying to busy herself. It doesn't make it less annoying. I think you just need to keep running interference and not let it get you upset. It helps me deal with my parents/ILs annoying behaviors to just expect them and decide in advance not to let it bother me.

And since OP is getting some flack I'll add that generally 5pm is when we serve drinks and cheese/crackers too. That's also how my parents entertain. My Dad has been known to watch the clock and will have martinis made by 5:01.

So many people on here argue just to be contrary. The people who insist that in order to be a decent host, OP must offer a full bar from the moment her guests arrive are likely the same people who in another thread will be scolding people that any amount of alcohol consumption is a sign of alcoholism. It’s perfectly alright, and likely quite common, to refrain from offering booze until 5.

A good host makes guests comfortable. Not impose their morality. Why not give guests what they would like?

Waiting until 5 to offer drinks isn’t imposing morality. I’m simply saying that it’s not freaky weird to not start drinking until 5. If someone came to my house in mid-afternoon, I’d probably offer them coffee or tea, and cake. It would be a bit rude for them to ask for something that wasn’t offered, whether it was wine or Wheat Thins.

Who eats tea and cake before dinner? What country are you in? I eat appetizers and drinks before dinner. Restaurants offer the same. A waiter comes and asks if we'd like drinks and appetizers.

I’m in the US, and I don’t eat dinner until 8 or 8:30. I don’t know anyone who eats dinner at 5. There’s plenty of time between 3 and 8 to digest a slice of cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I got invited to a 4pm mom gathering once of about 10 people that had 1 lonely appetizer - a small few frozen TJ's taquitos. And no beverages. We talked about how awful a host it was and how we starved. She did have an already eaten cake displayed, but nobody wanted it.

Cool story, bro. OP and her husband host frequently and stock up and have an open kitchen policy. She said their meals get compliments and the family gathers at their central location time and again. If someone finds their hospitality lacking, they need to step up and host for once.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got invited to a 4pm mom gathering once of about 10 people that had 1 lonely appetizer - a small few frozen TJ's taquitos. And no beverages. We talked about how awful a host it was and how we starved. She did have an already eaten cake displayed, but nobody wanted it.

Cool story, bro. OP and her husband host frequently and stock up and have an open kitchen policy. She said their meals get compliments and the family gathers at their central location time and again. If someone finds their hospitality lacking, they need to step up and host for once.

I've seen MILs and parents show up with decoratons for events when the hosts or adult children have already decorated. One person went through a wine fridge-cupboard and decided to use a $300 plus bottle of champagne. I, not the host, took it back since we gifted it to the couple who were saving it for a special occasion. A MIL decides what to serve and brings stuff bumping apps etc from the serving area.

Basically you bring what you're asked to bring, provide what requested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing that in your MIL's mind she's just trying to be helpful and feels guilty that she is not hosting (even if she doesn't actually want to be hosting). Maybe she's just bored sitting around your house and is trying to busy herself. It doesn't make it less annoying. I think you just need to keep running interference and not let it get you upset. It helps me deal with my parents/ILs annoying behaviors to just expect them and decide in advance not to let it bother me.

And since OP is getting some flack I'll add that generally 5pm is when we serve drinks and cheese/crackers too. That's also how my parents entertain. My Dad has been known to watch the clock and will have martinis made by 5:01.

So many people on here argue just to be contrary. The people who insist that in order to be a decent host, OP must offer a full bar from the moment her guests arrive are likely the same people who in another thread will be scolding people that any amount of alcohol consumption is a sign of alcoholism. It’s perfectly alright, and likely quite common, to refrain from offering booze until 5.

A good host makes guests comfortable. Not impose their morality. Why not give guests what they would like?

Waiting until 5 to offer drinks isn’t imposing morality. I’m simply saying that it’s not freaky weird to not start drinking until 5. If someone came to my house in mid-afternoon, I’d probably offer them coffee or tea, and cake. It would be a bit rude for them to ask for something that wasn’t offered, whether it was wine or Wheat Thins.

Who eats tea and cake before dinner? What country are you in? I eat appetizers and drinks before dinner. Restaurants offer the same. A waiter comes and asks if we'd like drinks and appetizers.

I’m in the US, and I don’t eat dinner until 8 or 8:30. I don’t know anyone who eats dinner at 5. There’s plenty of time between 3 and 8 to digest a slice of cake.

You clearly don’t have young kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are a bad host. You obviously refuse to take responsibility as to why your MIL feels compelled to offer guests food. BECAUSE THEY ARE STARVING!!!!!!!!!!!@

You really need to take some medication. No one is starving at 3pm and requires wine and snacks. But go on with your crazy self. It’s amusing.

You're gaslighting. This hostess needs the meds for her severe OCD and rigid meal restrictions.

I’m gaslighting someone who posted in all caps that at 3pm, people are starving followed by 10 exclamation marks when none of that was true? Really? Yeah, no. Please enlighten us to the post where OP has rigid meal restrictions and where she says no one can eat outside of the regular meal times. What page and time stamp?

Un read the OP its right there. Not at 3. Only at 5 when the host will serve those things.

Yes, here is the quote: She starts offering people wine and snacks at 3 p.m., when DH and I serve those things at 5 p.m. Then she gets miffed when DH says “No, mom, we’re going to do X and Y at 5 o’clock, and that wine is actually for dinner.”

The issue is that the MIL is taking it upon herself to start serving others. OP isn’t here complaining that her MIL or any other guest is hungry and asking for a snack or that MIL went to the kitchen to help herself to something. The issue is that MIL is taking it upon herself as if she is the host to prepare and serve snacks to everyone. Mind you, no one is starving at 3pm. But hey, if MIL is hungry, she’s welcome to snack. What’s she’s not welcome to do is act as if she is the hostess and prepare snacks and wine to serve others. She’s a guest. That’s the issue OP and her spouse are having.

Exactly this. We have an open kitchen policy, so if my cousin wants to make himself a sandwich at 3, he’s welcome to it. If he started setting out the shrimp, cheese and crackers, and other appetizers and beverages we had planned for cocktail hour, that would be overstepping and I’d need to clarify that I’d be serving that later. The problem is MIL is acting like the hostess, instead of acting like a guest. If a guest is hungry, they should help themselves, but not to the specially planned food and beverages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got invited to a 4pm mom gathering once of about 10 people that had 1 lonely appetizer - a small few frozen TJ's taquitos. And no beverages. We talked about how awful a host it was and how we starved. She did have an already eaten cake displayed, but nobody wanted it.

Cool story, bro. OP and her husband host frequently and stock up and have an open kitchen policy. She said their meals get compliments and the family gathers at their central location time and again. If someone finds their hospitality lacking, they need to step up and host for once.

Dude the kitchen isn’t open if you cannot have snacks at 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing that in your MIL's mind she's just trying to be helpful and feels guilty that she is not hosting (even if she doesn't actually want to be hosting). Maybe she's just bored sitting around your house and is trying to busy herself. It doesn't make it less annoying. I think you just need to keep running interference and not let it get you upset. It helps me deal with my parents/ILs annoying behaviors to just expect them and decide in advance not to let it bother me.

And since OP is getting some flack I'll add that generally 5pm is when we serve drinks and cheese/crackers too. That's also how my parents entertain. My Dad has been known to watch the clock and will have martinis made by 5:01.

So many people on here argue just to be contrary. The people who insist that in order to be a decent host, OP must offer a full bar from the moment her guests arrive are likely the same people who in another thread will be scolding people that any amount of alcohol consumption is a sign of alcoholism. It’s perfectly alright, and likely quite common, to refrain from offering booze until 5.

A good host makes guests comfortable. Not impose their morality. Why not give guests what they would like?

Waiting until 5 to offer drinks isn’t imposing morality. I’m simply saying that it’s not freaky weird to not start drinking until 5. If someone came to my house in mid-afternoon, I’d probably offer them coffee or tea, and cake. It would be a bit rude for them to ask for something that wasn’t offered, whether it was wine or Wheat Thins.

Who eats tea and cake before dinner? What country are you in? I eat appetizers and drinks before dinner. Restaurants offer the same. A waiter comes and asks if we'd like drinks and appetizers.

I’m in the US, and I don’t eat dinner until 8 or 8:30. I don’t know anyone who eats dinner at 5. There’s plenty of time between 3 and 8 to digest a slice of cake.

You clearly don’t have young kids.

I do have young kids, and cocktails at 5 and dinner at 6 is totally normal for holiday dinners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got invited to a 4pm mom gathering once of about 10 people that had 1 lonely appetizer - a small few frozen TJ's taquitos. And no beverages. We talked about how awful a host it was and how we starved. She did have an already eaten cake displayed, but nobody wanted it.

Cool story, bro. OP and her husband host frequently and stock up and have an open kitchen policy. She said their meals get compliments and the family gathers at their central location time and again. If someone finds their hospitality lacking, they need to step up and host for once.

Dude the kitchen isn’t open if you cannot have snacks at 3.

A “snack” is get yourself some chips or make yourself a sandwich, not take it upon yourself to put out the specialty items your host had planned for cocktail hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got invited to a 4pm mom gathering once of about 10 people that had 1 lonely appetizer - a small few frozen TJ's taquitos. And no beverages. We talked about how awful a host it was and how we starved. She did have an already eaten cake displayed, but nobody wanted it.

Cool story, bro. OP and her husband host frequently and stock up and have an open kitchen policy. She said their meals get compliments and the family gathers at their central location time and again. If someone finds their hospitality lacking, they need to step up and host for once.

Dude the kitchen isn’t open if you cannot have snacks at 3.

A “snack” is get yourself some chips or make yourself a sandwich, not take it upon yourself to put out the specialty items your host had planned for cocktail hour.

Cocktail hour is when people want it. Usually 3-6 anyway. Why be such a stickler about the time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got invited to a 4pm mom gathering once of about 10 people that had 1 lonely appetizer - a small few frozen TJ's taquitos. And no beverages. We talked about how awful a host it was and how we starved. She did have an already eaten cake displayed, but nobody wanted it.

Cool story, bro. OP and her husband host frequently and stock up and have an open kitchen policy. She said their meals get compliments and the family gathers at their central location time and again. If someone finds their hospitality lacking, they need to step up and host for once.

Dude the kitchen isn’t open if you cannot have snacks at 3.

A “snack” is get yourself some chips or make yourself a sandwich, not take it upon yourself to put out the specialty items your host had planned for cocktail hour.

If any persons butt hits a chair in my house, some snacks are put out for them, even if it's just nuts, and I offer a beverage. This is common courtesy. Didn't everyone's parents teach you all these things?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got invited to a 4pm mom gathering once of about 10 people that had 1 lonely appetizer - a small few frozen TJ's taquitos. And no beverages. We talked about how awful a host it was and how we starved. She did have an already eaten cake displayed, but nobody wanted it.

Cool story, bro. OP and her husband host frequently and stock up and have an open kitchen policy. She said their meals get compliments and the family gathers at their central location time and again. If someone finds their hospitality lacking, they need to step up and host for once.

Dude the kitchen isn’t open if you cannot have snacks at 3.

A “snack” is get yourself some chips or make yourself a sandwich, not take it upon yourself to put out the specialty items your host had planned for cocktail hour.

Cocktail hour is when people want it. Usually 3-6 anyway. Why be such a stickler about the time?

I have never once been invited to a cocktail party or have been served cocktails in someone’s home earlier than 5 p.m.

And if you want wine or whatever, ask your host. Some people are very thoughtful about wine and may have picked a few special bottles to be paired with dinner. I don’t know of anyone so rude as to start digging through their host’s liquor cabinet at 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got invited to a 4pm mom gathering once of about 10 people that had 1 lonely appetizer - a small few frozen TJ's taquitos. And no beverages. We talked about how awful a host it was and how we starved. She did have an already eaten cake displayed, but nobody wanted it.

Cool story, bro. OP and her husband host frequently and stock up and have an open kitchen policy. She said their meals get compliments and the family gathers at their central location time and again. If someone finds their hospitality lacking, they need to step up and host for once.

Dude the kitchen isn’t open if you cannot have snacks at 3.

A “snack” is get yourself some chips or make yourself a sandwich, not take it upon yourself to put out the specialty items your host had planned for cocktail hour.

If any persons butt hits a chair in my house, some snacks are put out for them, even if it's just nuts, and I offer a beverage. This is common courtesy. Didn't everyone's parents teach you all these things?

It has been said over and over that OP is taking about overnight houseguests are staying with her multiple days. She serves three full meals plus cocktail hour *and has an open kitchen policy.* If you are staying in someone’s home for several days and expect snacks to be formally set out for you “every time your butt hits a chair,” I bet your butt won’t fit into a chair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL is stepping in because of OP’s weird, stringent food rules. If you have house guests, feed them. “We eat at 5” and not allowing food and drink otherwise is being a bad host.

Are you really unable to read? I have said numerous times that I am hosting houseguests for multiple days. We serve breakfast, lunch, cocktail hour with appetizers and dinner, and the kitchen is open any time someone wants anything. But you tried it!

Oh yes, I see now that you posted almost this same exact comment earlier! There is no way that someone like you is the easy-going hostess you’re trying to portray yourself as. You’re being too controlling with what and when your houseguests can eat/drink. Your MIL feels the need to step in, apparently with good reason.

Nope. It’s not he house, she’s not the hostess and she is RUDE.

It's normal for several female family members to pitch in to help on a holiday. Your "rude" is other people's normal. If you really want all guests to stay away from handling any food or beverages, then hire a catering team. That serves food and beverages to guests the entire time. And dinner at a normal time. Then it's all solved rather than just blame everybody for starving or being thirsty or for offering those folks items.

Who are you people that don’t think eating breakfast around 7, lunch around noon, cocktails around 5, dinner around 6 and an open kitchen where anyone can help themselves is somehow eating at “abnormal” times or not providing enough food? Even my literal linebacker brother doesn’t need someone to bring him a sandwich every 45 seconds.

Not everyone eats 3 square meals, some skip breakfast and eat smaller meals during the day. I also don’t like people telling me when i can eat.

So then OP’s open kitchen all day would work well for you.

Except for when it’s 3, and no not that wine. But otherwise sure, wide open, help yourself.

Tell me you buy cheap wine with no thought to food pairings without telling me you buy cheap wine with no thought to food pairings.

Hey hey hey. PP likes her box wine and there’s plenty to go around!