Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img] OP

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your neighborhood/E.S. feeder area is toxic. I'd consider moving. At the same time, you work full-time with 2 young kids. You're in the working mom grind. The chummy moms are usually the ones who don't work and have time for 10am coffee or park meet ups. You need to see a mom regularly, outside of school, to build a friendship. To get to that point, you obviously have to see them outside of school a bit. It's hard. Try connecting with working school moms, and coworkers. Invite people over for dinner or drinks. As for your husband, I think he's doomed. He will need you to provide buddies.

I would not invite coworkers over for dinner and drinks, but that’s just me. I
prefer to be friendly with my coworkers, but I don’t want them to be the type of friends I invite into my home.

Same. Do not mix work with friendships. Bad idea.

Yep, I also don’t mix work people with my spouse. None of them have ever met my spouse and I prefer that.

Completely disagree! This is yet another example of why people complain about loneliness. It’s okay not to invite people inside your home until you are close. But not to form any friendships with work people or ever seen them outside of work is extreme. I’m skeptical that people who are so rigid have good solid professional networks as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live an 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

You have no evidence that OP was happy in her hometown. I’d say she wasn’t happy which is at least part of why she left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this came up in the other thread about why people want victims to just "get over it" and not cause awkwardness. OP what do you do for other people and their families? As someone asked whether you are "intense", think hard about that. In the best colleges you get really two sorts of people. You get most who have done great in high school and are cool people and come from excellent families and have built excellent records and know how to socialize and they go to their highly selective institution, find their people and fit in brilliantly. They do so because they know what it means to be successful, they know how to talk to people and how to be low-key and relaxed and not make things weird or awkward.

Then you get the strivers. The dishwasher's kid on Pell grants, the scholarship kid from the inner city, the farm kid from the sticks who has never distinguished between a dinner and salad fork in his life. If you're hot or a good athlete you'll be OK, people from the first group will take you under their wing and let your looks or sports skills carry you while you figure out how to behave.

But if not, if you're just intense and determined and a striver and all that, you're just going to turn people off. You won't know that you're being judged in every class session, cafeteria meal and trip to the library. You won't know that your JC Penney jeans and your parents flannel shirts pegged you as a loser the moment you walked onto campus. You won't realize that no, your whole family doesn't need to bring you to your first day in college. You won't realize that no, you don't go standing up for someone just because they've been "mistreated" or "bullied" because that can boomerang onto YOU. You're too intense, you don't act like you've been there, you think every stupid conversation or moral choice matters.

So who are you? Are you the person who would make a scene, push some cause just because it's "right"? Why do you want to make people think you're somehow better than them? Why do you think it matters? Just chill already and smoke a joint or have a drink. Be fun. Don't tell us about children in Africa. Thanks.

Well this PP is obviously still in college. Some of us understand the world beyond college. I'll read your future, PP: one day you will take your daughter to the ER for a gash or a high fever. She's about four or five, born to a former GF, a fling really, a woman not of your stature. After ghosting her for 9 months, you got the surprise of your life in the form of papers served. And at your new GF's place no less, the one you were thinking you might marry.

You're nervous because you don't know your DD's insurance info; her mother has that. You've texted her a few times but she's blocked you: it''s her girls weekend, you get the kid. Be a man for a change, she said.

Your hair is a bit too long, in a way that was once cool but now just looks neglected. While you waited in the emergency room you pushed your dirty hair across your forehead with your palm, hair between your fingers, in a practiced, distracted gesture that was once considered casually attractive. Now it's just weird. The nurse pretended she didn't even look at you as she lead you and your DD back to the exam room.

When the doctor comes into the room you ready to shake his hand by wiping your sweaty hand on your cordoroys, the ones that looked like casual wealth when you were young but now look sadly out of date, with shiny marks on the thighs from all the nervous wiping. You read the doctor's name tag -- upper class men know to call the doctor by his name right away, to show you're on equal footing -- and holy crap, it's the thriver from college. The one who had no time for socializing, who just studied day and night, all the way through college and into med school. And here he is, head of the pediatric department, those JCPenney jeans a distant memory. He looks at your as if you don't ring a bell, but pretends he remembers you by making pretend-personal chit chat: he goes boating on the weekends; he already has children in college, while you have "just the one." He nods, says, "Well, the nurse practitioner will come in to see you shortly" -- wtf, it's already been 45 minutes -- tugs on your DD's foot, smiles at her and leaves.

Your daughter is sitting on the exam table. You're never sure what she is thinking. But you're pretty sure she's on to you. You have the paranoid feeling she understands that you are a nobody compared to the doctor, the "striver." She will come to learn that a little striving never hurt anyone. In fact, it's how people get ahead in life. She will have you as her shining example of how not to squander all of life's advantages by not striving. She will be fine.

I need to read the rest of this novel. Hoping you will start a thread where you serialize it and feed us a chapter every day. Way better than SATC. Need to know more about the doc, the kid, Wiley corduroy guy, the girlfriend, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.

Or a religious organization.

+1. Best advice by a mile. Even if you're not super into whatever religion you and your husband were raised with, give it another chance, be positive, and I guarantee you will make some new friends. If nothing else, you're going to be surrounded by really nice people an hour or so every week.

I completely agree with this suggestion.

I found myself in a very similar place in 2022. I had a very successful career, money, lots of stuff — but very few real friends. My wife and I do not have children. Our friends from when we were younger all had kids and it was just incredibly hard staying connected with people who were just in a very different place in life. To the extent I had “friends” — my relationships with work colleagues always felt shallow and transactional to some degree.

I want to be clear too — the lack of friends was a BIG problem. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with another human being — even though I was technically more “connected” to people through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc than ever before.

Anyway, a series of very unexpected circumstances led me to start going back to church in May 2023. I had basically considered myself an atheist at that point but decided to give religion another try due to a personal crisis (which was exacerbated by a lack of friends). I had been raised in a Catholic Church that was very rote — go to church, sit through the rituals, try not to fall asleep when the priest talks, never really understand what any of it means. I decided to go to a church that was completely different — a mega church in the suburbs with Christian rock music, all that jazz. It was like going to a foreign land.

And you know what? I tried something different and I liked it! The music was actually quite good, the pastors were very engaging and gave fantastic sermons that had a lot of relevance for my life — and the personal crisis I was experiencing. And then I started to understand some of the serious theology behind Christianity and was blown away by what I was hearing. It was about as different from my experience growing up as I could imagine.

After going there for a few months, I joined a mid week “church group” — it is basically one half Bible study, one half support group. I didn’t know anyone and yet these strangers welcomed me with open arms and tried helping me with my problems in life. It was surreal in some ways — I had been so cynical and jaded about “friends” and now I was meeting the kindest people I had ever encountered in my life. And before long these people introduced me to other people in the church and those people introduced me to other people and so on. Moreover, our church is very diverse and I felt like I was meeting this incredible cross-section of people — people from different countries, different races, different socio-economic backgrounds. In a matter of a few months, I not only had more friends but they looked so different from my prior friends.

Now, I have an entire group of friends, we check in on each other, we bear each others burdens, we celebrate our successes. We also have real conversations all the time — not the surface level stuff that consumes my work friends (“what fancy city did you go visit this summer?” “what new television show are you watching?”). Having a true group of loyal friends like this has improved my mental well-being more than any drug or therapist, changed me as a person, and led me to have so much more happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment. It’s also led me to want to be a good friend to new people I meet at church. And so the circle is always expanding.

Whatever people say about religion — there is a reason churches and houses of worship have been popular for thousands of years. The community that you can build together is a major factor. Not too long ago, even in this country, it was incredibly common for people to belong to a church, and the community element was a big reason. When you all believe in something bigger than yourself — together — it forms an intense bond.

Again, I was basically an atheist. Three years ago I never would have imagined typing this post. But here I am. My advice is that more people should give it a shot. You might be surprised at the wonderful people that God ends up putting into your life.

I was wondering how this PP managed this long well written post -- until I got to the Mega Church part. Posting PR like this is sickening. It's lying.

OP if you want to go to a church and you are an atheist, you can go to any multi-denominational church or a Unitarian church (where you don't even have to believe in God). These Mega Churches are for being brainwashed and conned, as the fake post above confirms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.

Or a religious organization.

+1. Best advice by a mile. Even if you're not super into whatever religion you and your husband were raised with, give it another chance, be positive, and I guarantee you will make some new friends. If nothing else, you're going to be surrounded by really nice people an hour or so every week.

I completely agree with this suggestion.

I found myself in a very similar place in 2022. I had a very successful career, money, lots of stuff — but very few real friends. My wife and I do not have children. Our friends from when we were younger all had kids and it was just incredibly hard staying connected with people who were just in a very different place in life. To the extent I had “friends” — my relationships with work colleagues always felt shallow and transactional to some degree.

I want to be clear too — the lack of friends was a BIG problem. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with another human being — even though I was technically more “connected” to people through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc than ever before.

Anyway, a series of very unexpected circumstances led me to start going back to church in May 2023. I had basically considered myself an atheist at that point but decided to give religion another try due to a personal crisis (which was exacerbated by a lack of friends). I had been raised in a Catholic Church that was very rote — go to church, sit through the rituals, try not to fall asleep when the priest talks, never really understand what any of it means. I decided to go to a church that was completely different — a mega church in the suburbs with Christian rock music, all that jazz. It was like going to a foreign land.

And you know what? I tried something different and I liked it! The music was actually quite good, the pastors were very engaging and gave fantastic sermons that had a lot of relevance for my life — and the personal crisis I was experiencing. And then I started to understand some of the serious theology behind Christianity and was blown away by what I was hearing. It was about as different from my experience growing up as I could imagine.

After going there for a few months, I joined a mid week “church group” — it is basically one half Bible study, one half support group. I didn’t know anyone and yet these strangers welcomed me with open arms and tried helping me with my problems in life. It was surreal in some ways — I had been so cynical and jaded about “friends” and now I was meeting the kindest people I had ever encountered in my life. And before long these people introduced me to other people in the church and those people introduced me to other people and so on. Moreover, our church is very diverse and I felt like I was meeting this incredible cross-section of people — people from different countries, different races, different socio-economic backgrounds. In a matter of a few months, I not only had more friends but they looked so different from my prior friends.

Now, I have an entire group of friends, we check in on each other, we bear each others burdens, we celebrate our successes. We also have real conversations all the time — not the surface level stuff that consumes my work friends (“what fancy city did you go visit this summer?” “what new television show are you watching?”). Having a true group of loyal friends like this has improved my mental well-being more than any drug or therapist, changed me as a person, and led me to have so much more happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment. It’s also led me to want to be a good friend to new people I meet at church. And so the circle is always expanding.

Whatever people say about religion — there is a reason churches and houses of worship have been popular for thousands of years. The community that you can build together is a major factor. Not too long ago, even in this country, it was incredibly common for people to belong to a church, and the community element was a big reason. When you all believe in something bigger than yourself — together — it forms an intense bond.

Again, I was basically an atheist. Three years ago I never would have imagined typing this post. But here I am. My advice is that more people should give it a shot. You might be surprised at the wonderful people that God ends up putting into your life.

I was wondering how this PP managed this long well written post -- until I got to the Mega Church part. Posting PR like this is sickening. It's lying.

OP if you want to go to a church and you are an atheist, you can go to any multi-denominational church or a Unitarian church (where you don't even have to believe in God). These Mega Churches are for being brainwashed and conned, as the fake post above confirms.

Oh do shut up. The PP did not mention their church by name there are probably nearly 50 in the DMV area. They are not recruiting if they don’t even say the church name.

Obviously if you don’t want religion then you should avoid mega churches.

What is even the difference between a mega church and a “multi denominational” church, your post makes no sense. If you want to avoid Christianity you need to stick to the Unitarians or some type of humanism group.

-an atheist

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img] OP

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your neighborhood/E.S. feeder area is toxic. I'd consider moving. At the same time, you work full-time with 2 young kids. You're in the working mom grind. The chummy moms are usually the ones who don't work and have time for 10am coffee or park meet ups. You need to see a mom regularly, outside of school, to build a friendship. To get to that point, you obviously have to see them outside of school a bit. It's hard. Try connecting with working school moms, and coworkers. Invite people over for dinner or drinks. As for your husband, I think he's doomed. He will need you to provide buddies.

I would not invite coworkers over for dinner and drinks, but that’s just me. I
prefer to be friendly with my coworkers, but I don’t want them to be the type of friends I invite into my home.

Same. Do not mix work with friendships. Bad idea.

Yep, I also don’t mix work people with my spouse. None of them have ever met my spouse and I prefer that.

Completely disagree! This is yet another example of why people complain about loneliness. It’s okay not to invite people inside your home until you are close. But not to form any friendships with work people or ever seen them outside of work is extreme. I’m skeptical that people who are so rigid have good solid professional networks as well.

I keep my work and personal/family lives completely separate and I have lots of friends and a healthy professional network.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

You have no evidence that OP was happy in her hometown. I’d say she wasn’t happy which is at least part of why she left.

Living within comfortable driving distance from your hometown and family is not "in your hometown". If for example, you're from rather dreary Akron, Ohio, that would mean living in Columbus, Cleveland, or Pittsburgh. Abandoning your roots and family works out fine for many people, but often, it has depressing consequences -- not just for you, but your entire broader family. Grandparents die earlier when they don't get the joy of nearby grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some of this came up in the other thread about why people want victims to just "get over it" and not cause awkwardness. OP what do you do for other people and their families? As someone asked whether you are "intense", think hard about that. In the best colleges you get really two sorts of people. You get most who have done great in high school and are cool people and come from excellent families and have built excellent records and know how to socialize and they go to their highly selective institution, find their people and fit in brilliantly. They do so because they know what it means to be successful, they know how to talk to people and how to be low-key and relaxed and not make things weird or awkward.

Then you get the strivers. The dishwasher's kid on Pell grants, the scholarship kid from the inner city, the farm kid from the sticks who has never distinguished between a dinner and salad fork in his life. If you're hot or a good athlete you'll be OK, people from the first group will take you under their wing and let your looks or sports skills carry you while you figure out how to behave.

But if not, if you're just intense and determined and a striver and all that, you're just going to turn people off. You won't know that you're being judged in every class session, cafeteria meal and trip to the library. You won't know that your JC Penney jeans and your parents flannel shirts pegged you as a loser the moment you walked onto campus. You won't realize that no, your whole family doesn't need to bring you to your first day in college. You won't realize that no, you don't go standing up for someone just because they've been "mistreated" or "bullied" because that can boomerang onto YOU. You're too intense, you don't act like you've been there, you think every stupid conversation or moral choice matters.

So who are you? Are you the person who would make a scene, push some cause just because it's "right"? Why do you want to make people think you're somehow better than them? Why do you think it matters? Just chill already and smoke a joint or have a drink. Be fun. Don't tell us about children in Africa. Thanks.

Well this PP is obviously still in college. Some of us understand the world beyond college. I'll read your future, PP: one day you will take your daughter to the ER for a gash or a high fever. She's about four or five, born to a former GF, a fling really, a woman not of your stature. After ghosting her for 9 months, you got the surprise of your life in the form of papers served. And at your new GF's place no less, the one you were thinking you might marry.

You're nervous because you don't know your DD's insurance info; her mother has that. You've texted her a few times but she's blocked you: it''s her girls weekend, you get the kid. Be a man for a change, she said.

Your hair is a bit too long, in a way that was once cool but now just looks neglected. While you waited in the emergency room you pushed your dirty hair across your forehead with your palm, hair between your fingers, in a practiced, distracted gesture that was once considered casually attractive. Now it's just weird. The nurse pretended she didn't even look at you as she lead you and your DD back to the exam room.

When the doctor comes into the room you ready to shake his hand by wiping your sweaty hand on your cordoroys, the ones that looked like casual wealth when you were young but now look sadly out of date, with shiny marks on the thighs from all the nervous wiping. You read the doctor's name tag -- upper class men know to call the doctor by his name right away, to show you're on equal footing -- and holy crap, it's the thriver from college. The one who had no time for socializing, who just studied day and night, all the way through college and into med school. And here he is, head of the pediatric department, those JCPenney jeans a distant memory. He looks at your as if you don't ring a bell, but pretends he remembers you by making pretend-personal chit chat: he goes boating on the weekends; he already has children in college, while you have "just the one." He nods, says, "Well, the nurse practitioner will come in to see you shortly" -- wtf, it's already been 45 minutes -- tugs on your DD's foot, smiles at her and leaves.

Your daughter is sitting on the exam table. You're never sure what she is thinking. But you're pretty sure she's on to you. You have the paranoid feeling she understands that you are a nobody compared to the doctor, the "striver." She will come to learn that a little striving never hurt anyone. In fact, it's how people get ahead in life. She will have you as her shining example of how not to squander all of life's advantages by not striving. She will be fine.

Cringe. Get a freaking life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

You have no evidence that OP was happy in her hometown. I’d say she wasn’t happy which is at least part of why she left.

Living within comfortable driving distance from your hometown and family is not "in your hometown". If for example, you're from rather dreary Akron, Ohio, that would mean living in Columbus, Cleveland, or Pittsburgh. Abandoning your roots and family works out fine for many people, but often, it has depressing consequences -- not just for you, but your entire broader family. Grandparents die earlier when they don't get the joy of nearby grandkids.

And none of that was enough to keep OP close or return.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img] OP

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your neighborhood/E.S. feeder area is toxic. I'd consider moving. At the same time, you work full-time with 2 young kids. You're in the working mom grind. The chummy moms are usually the ones who don't work and have time for 10am coffee or park meet ups. You need to see a mom regularly, outside of school, to build a friendship. To get to that point, you obviously have to see them outside of school a bit. It's hard. Try connecting with working school moms, and coworkers. Invite people over for dinner or drinks. As for your husband, I think he's doomed. He will need you to provide buddies.

I would not invite coworkers over for dinner and drinks, but that’s just me. I
prefer to be friendly with my coworkers, but I don’t want them to be the type of friends I invite into my home.

Same. Do not mix work with friendships. Bad idea.

Yep, I also don’t mix work people with my spouse. None of them have ever met my spouse and I prefer that.

Completely disagree! This is yet another example of why people complain about loneliness. It’s okay not to invite people inside your home until you are close. But not to form any friendships with work people or ever seen them outside of work is extreme. I’m skeptical that people who are so rigid have good solid professional networks as well.

I keep my work and personal/family lives completely separate and I have lots of friends and a healthy professional network.

Sure, internet poster, sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

You have no evidence that OP was happy in her hometown. I’d say she wasn’t happy which is at least part of why she left.

Living within comfortable driving distance from your hometown and family is not "in your hometown". If for example, you're from rather dreary Akron, Ohio, that would mean living in Columbus, Cleveland, or Pittsburgh. Abandoning your roots and family works out fine for many people, but often, it has depressing consequences -- not just for you, but your entire broader family. Grandparents die earlier when they don't get the joy of nearby grandkids.

That is ridiculous. My grandma and great grandparents lived into their mid 90s. We were not nearby. There are no opportunities in an economically depressed place. Smart people leave. Others stay and work at a grocery store.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

You have no evidence that OP was happy in her hometown. I’d say she wasn’t happy which is at least part of why she left.

Living within comfortable driving distance from your hometown and family is not "in your hometown". If for example, you're from rather dreary Akron, Ohio, that would mean living in Columbus, Cleveland, or Pittsburgh. Abandoning your roots and family works out fine for many people, but often, it has depressing consequences -- not just for you, but your entire broader family. Grandparents die earlier when they don't get the joy of nearby grandkids.

My parents and my ln laws lived into their 90s with no kids or grandkids around in their economically depressed area.

Not everyone who had kids back in the day *wanted* to have kids, please remember that.

Some of us also end up moving to places like the DC metro because this is where the jobs are. For one brief moment during the pandemic it looked like a lot of us could work remotely, and then it was over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.

Or a religious organization.

+1. Best advice by a mile. Even if you're not super into whatever religion you and your husband were raised with, give it another chance, be positive, and I guarantee you will make some new friends. If nothing else, you're going to be surrounded by really nice people an hour or so every week.

I completely agree with this suggestion.

I found myself in a very similar place in 2022. I had a very successful career, money, lots of stuff — but very few real friends. My wife and I do not have children. Our friends from when we were younger all had kids and it was just incredibly hard staying connected with people who were just in a very different place in life. To the extent I had “friends” — my relationships with work colleagues always felt shallow and transactional to some degree.

I want to be clear too — the lack of friends was a BIG problem. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with another human being — even though I was technically more “connected” to people through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc than ever before.

Anyway, a series of very unexpected circumstances led me to start going back to church in May 2023. I had basically considered myself an atheist at that point but decided to give religion another try due to a personal crisis (which was exacerbated by a lack of friends). I had been raised in a Catholic Church that was very rote — go to church, sit through the rituals, try not to fall asleep when the priest talks, never really understand what any of it means. I decided to go to a church that was completely different — a mega church in the suburbs with Christian rock music, all that jazz. It was like going to a foreign land.

And you know what? I tried something different and I liked it! The music was actually quite good, the pastors were very engaging and gave fantastic sermons that had a lot of relevance for my life — and the personal crisis I was experiencing. And then I started to understand some of the serious theology behind Christianity and was blown away by what I was hearing. It was about as different from my experience growing up as I could imagine.

After going there for a few months, I joined a mid week “church group” — it is basically one half Bible study, one half support group. I didn’t know anyone and yet these strangers welcomed me with open arms and tried helping me with my problems in life. It was surreal in some ways — I had been so cynical and jaded about “friends” and now I was meeting the kindest people I had ever encountered in my life. And before long these people introduced me to other people in the church and those people introduced me to other people and so on. Moreover, our church is very diverse and I felt like I was meeting this incredible cross-section of people — people from different countries, different races, different socio-economic backgrounds. In a matter of a few months, I not only had more friends but they looked so different from my prior friends.

Now, I have an entire group of friends, we check in on each other, we bear each others burdens, we celebrate our successes. We also have real conversations all the time — not the surface level stuff that consumes my work friends (“what fancy city did you go visit this summer?” “what new television show are you watching?”). Having a true group of loyal friends like this has improved my mental well-being more than any drug or therapist, changed me as a person, and led me to have so much more happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment. It’s also led me to want to be a good friend to new people I meet at church. And so the circle is always expanding.

Whatever people say about religion — there is a reason churches and houses of worship have been popular for thousands of years. The community that you can build together is a major factor. Not too long ago, even in this country, it was incredibly common for people to belong to a church, and the community element was a big reason. When you all believe in something bigger than yourself — together — it forms an intense bond.

Again, I was basically an atheist. Three years ago I never would have imagined typing this post. But here I am. My advice is that more people should give it a shot. You might be surprised at the wonderful people that God ends up putting into your life.

I was wondering how this PP managed this long well written post -- until I got to the Mega Church part. Posting PR like this is sickening. It's lying.

OP if you want to go to a church and you are an atheist, you can go to any multi-denominational church or a Unitarian church (where you don't even have to believe in God). These Mega Churches are for being brainwashed and conned, as the fake post above confirms.

Well I found it helpful and gave me food for thought. I feel very isolated and lonely and struggle to make friends despite easily having friends and an active social life up until my 40s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I are both 40 and have been married for 15 years. We have two young kids. We both work-full time and are very successful at our jobs. We have a lot of qualities that make us good friends and are drama-free. Despite this, both of us have struggled to make friends during our entire marriage.

The issue is that my husband has no friends at all and I have one friend and a few acquaintances. Now granted my husband puts very little time and effort into making new friends, but he has been at the same job for 15 years and is well-liked, but has zero co-worker friends. He is very respected professionally at his job but has failed miserably trying to make friends. In fact he often experiences co-workers purposely excluding him, inviting everyone in the office to events/parties except him, and inviting each other out in front of him and excluding him.

I have also failed miserably in trying to make friends. I have been trying to make friends for over a decade, and when my kids were little I joined lots of moms groups. As they aged out of mom groups/playgroups I tried to make friends at preschool and through their activities. I made some acquaintances at preschool but no real friends. I never really had a "mom group." When they started elementary school I volunteered at school, was the room parent, and tried to meet other moms. I always felt like I never fit in. Now my kids are in 3rd and 4th grades and I still don't really have any mom friends.

Then we tried to make friends outside of kids' school/activities/work. My husband has played on a mens' rec sports league for 10 years and has made zero friends that way. I took lots of yoga and knitting classes and even started a neighborhood book club. I never met anyone who wanted to be my friend that way.

We have no couple friends and no family friends. No one ever invites us to do anything. The last time we were invited to do anything as a family with another family was probably 4 years ago. We receive very few holiday cards (though we send many) and no one has ever invited us to any kind of party.

We are not from here but we've lived here for over a decade already.

Why do both my husband and I have such difficulty connecting with others? What are we doing wrong and how can we start making friends? We are not socially awkward, are good listeners. We both had lots of friends in college and grad school but it's been a challenge since then.

This is very very common. People won't come out and say it, but the staggering number of men who have ZERO friends is extremely high. It's unfortunate, but it is a fact.

If you have boys please make sure they socialize with other boys and they don't isolate themselves.

There are a lot adult single, married, divorced men over 40 who do not have a single friend.

[Anonymous]

I think if you have one friend that's enough. In my 40s I realized I had no friends like I had growing up or in college/grad school. I just accepted that I had acquaintances and that they did not have the same depth. It was freeing in a way. I think it's just that time of life. In my 50s I made a close friend at work. We are still close friends ten years later and she is the best friend I've ever had and I didn't think I'd ever have a great friendship again, so you never know. My husband has had close friends through the years but really no one right now. I think if you have each other, that's the most important thing. We also do not drink and yes, that's a barrier with some people.