Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.

Or a religious organization.

+1. Best advice by a mile. Even if you're not super into whatever religion you and your husband were raised with, give it another chance, be positive, and I guarantee you will make some new friends. If nothing else, you're going to be surrounded by really nice people an hour or so every week.

I completely agree with this suggestion.

I found myself in a very similar place in 2022. I had a very successful career, money, lots of stuff — but very few real friends. My wife and I do not have children. Our friends from when we were younger all had kids and it was just incredibly hard staying connected with people who were just in a very different place in life. To the extent I had “friends” — my relationships with work colleagues always felt shallow and transactional to some degree.

I want to be clear too — the lack of friends was a BIG problem. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with another human being — even though I was technically more “connected” to people through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc than ever before.

Anyway, a series of very unexpected circumstances led me to start going back to church in May 2023. I had basically considered myself an atheist at that point but decided to give religion another try due to a personal crisis (which was exacerbated by a lack of friends). I had been raised in a Catholic Church that was very rote — go to church, sit through the rituals, try not to fall asleep when the priest talks, never really understand what any of it means. I decided to go to a church that was completely different — a mega church in the suburbs with Christian rock music, all that jazz. It was like going to a foreign land.

And you know what? I tried something different and I liked it! The music was actually quite good, the pastors were very engaging and gave fantastic sermons that had a lot of relevance for my life — and the personal crisis I was experiencing. And then I started to understand some of the serious theology behind Christianity and was blown away by what I was hearing. It was about as different from my experience growing up as I could imagine.

After going there for a few months, I joined a mid week “church group” — it is basically one half Bible study, one half support group. I didn’t know anyone and yet these strangers welcomed me with open arms and tried helping me with my problems in life. It was surreal in some ways — I had been so cynical and jaded about “friends” and now I was meeting the kindest people I had ever encountered in my life. And before long these people introduced me to other people in the church and those people introduced me to other people and so on. Moreover, our church is very diverse and I felt like I was meeting this incredible cross-section of people — people from different countries, different races, different socio-economic backgrounds. In a matter of a few months, I not only had more friends but they looked so different from my prior friends.

Now, I have an entire group of friends, we check in on each other, we bear each others burdens, we celebrate our successes. We also have real conversations all the time — not the surface level stuff that consumes my work friends (“what fancy city did you go visit this summer?” “what new television show are you watching?”). Having a true group of loyal friends like this has improved my mental well-being more than any drug or therapist, changed me as a person, and led me to have so much more happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment. It’s also led me to want to be a good friend to new people I meet at church. And so the circle is always expanding.

Whatever people say about religion — there is a reason churches and houses of worship have been popular for thousands of years. The community that you can build together is a major factor. Not too long ago, even in this country, it was incredibly common for people to belong to a church, and the community element was a big reason. When you all believe in something bigger than yourself — together — it forms an intense bond.

Again, I was basically an atheist. Three years ago I never would have imagined typing this post. But here I am. My advice is that more people should give it a shot. You might be surprised at the wonderful people that God ends up putting into your life.

[Anonymous]

New poster on the topic of trying religion. We tried religion. The people were nice and welcoming, but we were still non believers. We felt we couldn't make it and we quit. We actually eventually found some similar non believers who were in a similar boat and became friendly with them. That was after a decade of feeling like we didn't have many friends as a couple.

Divorces really shake things up. When a couple you're friends with divorces, hanging out with either half is tough.

On the other hand, my adult friendships improved after I divorced myself. People liked hanging out with me more.

[Anonymous]

[img] OP

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your neighborhood/E.S. feeder area is toxic. I'd consider moving. At the same time, you work full-time with 2 young kids. You're in the working mom grind. The chummy moms are usually the ones who don't work and have time for 10am coffee or park meet ups. You need to see a mom regularly, outside of school, to build a friendship. To get to that point, you obviously have to see them outside of school a bit. It's hard. Try connecting with working school moms, and coworkers. Invite people over for dinner or drinks. As for your husband, I think he's doomed. He will need you to provide buddies.

I would not invite coworkers over for dinner and drinks, but that’s just me. I
prefer to be friendly with my coworkers, but I don’t want them to be the type of friends I invite into my home.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you’ve been at it for a long time, but right now it seems like people are lying low. Due to major stresses and the political environment, no matter what side you’re on.

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and people just aren’t showing up right now. So much so I’m going to have to meet new people because I’m craving more connection and I’m an introvert!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:[img] OP

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your neighborhood/E.S. feeder area is toxic. I'd consider moving. At the same time, you work full-time with 2 young kids. You're in the working mom grind. The chummy moms are usually the ones who don't work and have time for 10am coffee or park meet ups. You need to see a mom regularly, outside of school, to build a friendship. To get to that point, you obviously have to see them outside of school a bit. It's hard. Try connecting with working school moms, and coworkers. Invite people over for dinner or drinks. As for your husband, I think he's doomed. He will need you to provide buddies.

I would not invite coworkers over for dinner and drinks, but that’s just me. I
prefer to be friendly with my coworkers, but I don’t want them to be the type of friends I invite into my home.

Same. Do not mix work with friendships. Bad idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[img] OP

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like your neighborhood/E.S. feeder area is toxic. I'd consider moving. At the same time, you work full-time with 2 young kids. You're in the working mom grind. The chummy moms are usually the ones who don't work and have time for 10am coffee or park meet ups. You need to see a mom regularly, outside of school, to build a friendship. To get to that point, you obviously have to see them outside of school a bit. It's hard. Try connecting with working school moms, and coworkers. Invite people over for dinner or drinks. As for your husband, I think he's doomed. He will need you to provide buddies.

I would not invite coworkers over for dinner and drinks, but that’s just me. I
prefer to be friendly with my coworkers, but I don’t want them to be the type of friends I invite into my home.

Same. Do not mix work with friendships. Bad idea.

Yep, I also don’t mix work people with my spouse. None of them have ever met my spouse and I prefer that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread made me realize how many mom friends I loathe because my kid became highly selective about his friends if not outright antisocial when he was about 7, and when he mellowed out after Covid (surprisingly; I think not having to go to school helped with what I now see as social anxiety) he was too old for arranged play dates. Covid also got in the way of my friendships and then the final nail in the coffin was all the conflicts since 2022 which took people apart politically.

You loathe mom friends because your kid in antisocial? You should reread your thread. This seems more like a you problem.

I have plenty of friends that I may have met through my kids but my kids are not friends. They are most opposite sex classmates though.

Not PP, but I think loathe was an an autocorrect for “lost”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread made me realize how many mom friends I loathe because my kid became highly selective about his friends if not outright antisocial when he was about 7, and when he mellowed out after Covid (surprisingly; I think not having to go to school helped with what I now see as social anxiety) he was too old for arranged play dates. Covid also got in the way of my friendships and then the final nail in the coffin was all the conflicts since 2022 which took people apart politically.

You loathe mom friends because your kid in antisocial? You should reread your thread. This seems more like a you problem.

I have plenty of friends that I may have met through my kids but my kids are not friends. They are most opposite sex classmates though.

Not PP, but I think loathe was an an autocorrect for “lost”

Yes!!! Thank you PP. I didn’t even realize lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread made me realize how many mom friends I loathe because my kid became highly selective about his friends if not outright antisocial when he was about 7, and when he mellowed out after Covid (surprisingly; I think not having to go to school helped with what I now see as social anxiety) he was too old for arranged play dates. Covid also got in the way of my friendships and then the final nail in the coffin was all the conflicts since 2022 which took people apart politically.

You loathe mom friends because your kid in antisocial? You should reread your thread. This seems more like a you problem.

I have plenty of friends that I may have met through my kids but my kids are not friends. They are most opposite sex classmates though.

Lost,
It should have been lost.
I did keep two friends after our kids grew apart but one moved and the other went a little crazy politically.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread made me realize how many mom friends I loathe because my kid became highly selective about his friends if not outright antisocial when he was about 7, and when he mellowed out after Covid (surprisingly; I think not having to go to school helped with what I now see as social anxiety) he was too old for arranged play dates. Covid also got in the way of my friendships and then the final nail in the coffin was all the conflicts since 2022 which took people apart politically.

How was any of the first 3/4s of this post the moms' fault?

Nah, it’s just some thoughts that I’ve had by association. I guess the idea is that you can lose friends just due to an unfortunate set of circumstances if nothing else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure what's up with your husband feeling specifically excluded at work, but you sound a lot like me, OP.

I still have a few very close friends from high school and college, though we don't live near each other. I feel like people don't get to know the "real me" without that kind of significant bonding experience, like being roommates or something like that. I'm the type of person where everyone says - oh, I thought you were so quiet and shy and now I know you're not!

Does this sounds anything like you?

I don't have any foolproof tricks, OP. I do think there's a difference between having friends and having a social life. You can do the latter by doing the heavy lifting. And hopefully 1-2 friends will click along the way. But it takes real work (if you're anything like me).

Or, maybe DH is a total boor and holding you back.

Exactly. While nothing in OPs message even indicated this, it’s clearly what is happening and it’s good this came up part way through the first page. Get your affairs in order now and divorce him. He’s probably using all his social capital with his AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

As if the only two options 20 years ago were stay in your dead rust belt coal town -or- move a thousand miles away for a pointless "Microsoft Office" job. The entire premise was a psy op; a scam. Not faulting OP, tens of millions of her generational peers were coerced into the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live an 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live an 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

To travel the world.