Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because your parents want to lay heavy guilt trips on you does not mean that you need to shoulder that guilt. Everything in life is a bit of a gamble. They had no idea if their DD would get into an Ivy or get a high paying job. They put all their eggs in one basket: you. Everything you write makes me more indignant about their expectations. (I am the PP at the top of this page, p. 14).

You can be loving but set boundaries. It must be hard to have no siblings, with parents putting so many pressures on you: Ivy education, high paying job, move to be near them, support them starting in your 30s. It is CRAZY and unacceptable for them to expect this. It seems normal to them but it is NOT normal in the world you grew up in. Life is too short to live it unhappily. Do what makes you happy. Find balance in your life. Make time for friends who can be more supportive than your parents can. Shut down these guilt trips. Really. Just shut it down. "This topic is closed for discussion. I will live my own life. Thank you for my upbringing. But no more guilt. It's over." You can do this. If they continue to guilt you, honestly, just say once again, "No more guilt. I'm done," and hang up. I think hanging up is terribly rude but protecting yourself is super important when you are at the breaking point and they refuse to thinof of YOUR best interests.

Tell me you’re white without telling me you’re white. It is NOT crazy and unacceptable for OP’s parents to have these demands. It’s pretty normal for East Asian immigrants to do what OP’s parents are doing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

PP here. My dad initially emigrated from Korea to another country where he worked as a miner before he was able to get an education and move to the States. I have so much respect for him.

Girl…I’m sorry. I think the bottom line is that you don’t like the hand that you were dealt. Your parents made huge decisions without asking you and are demanding that you fall in line. At the same time, you *have* benefited from their decisions. Plenty of non-immigrants are in the same boat. The question is, what are you going to do about it? If I were in your shoes, I would focus on your own financial and mental stability, because you can’t help anyone, including yourself, without that. Do you want to go back to b-school and transition into something else? Plenty of people use the skills they learn from their time in i-banking to go into other fields. Try to figure out what you hate about I-banking and what you think you’d enjoy doing instead. I think there’s a book called “What Color is Your Parachute“ that helps you think that through.

You also need to set some expectations for your parents. “Dad, I’ll pay you back $_____ for college.” Or, “Dad, I can give you $___ a month until I get married” (and then it’s best to make decisions jointly with spouse). “You will need to keep saving for your own retirement.” Does your company offer any kind of mental health benefit? I think it would be helpful for you to talk through all of this with a therapist. Good luck with everything. Glad we were able to connect, even anonymously. ✌️

I already told my parents that I’d pay back their 401k loan for them. I don’t think my parents are expecting me to give them money in my 20s beyond that, but they’ve told me that when they hit their 60s (and when I hit my 30s) that they need me to take care of them since their retirement accounts are paltry.

Stick to what you promised and tell them you can’t do more like support them in their 60’s. That way they can plan accordingly and know they cannot expect you to help out. They still have 10 or more years to save, your mom should go back to work, and they can look to downsize their house or move to a lower COLA area. Spell it out your boundaries now. I’m also the daughter of East Asian immigrants and my dad, in his 80’s, is impoverished. He made a number of bad life decisions (including leaving my mom for a gold digger back in the homeland and she left him high and dry). He came back to the US expecting me to care for him in my house. I let him stay a few months but he had a stroke and ended up in a hospital and then a Medicaid nursing home that I spent countless hours finding and applying for. Of course he wants to leave and come back to live with me but I’m like hell no. I have a full time job and he treated me like a nurse, Uber, personal shopper, financial planner, housekeeper, and landlord. No freaking way.

No respectable Asian child would do this. I’m calling troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because your parents want to lay heavy guilt trips on you does not mean that you need to shoulder that guilt. Everything in life is a bit of a gamble. They had no idea if their DD would get into an Ivy or get a high paying job. They put all their eggs in one basket: you. Everything you write makes me more indignant about their expectations. (I am the PP at the top of this page, p. 14).

You can be loving but set boundaries. It must be hard to have no siblings, with parents putting so many pressures on you: Ivy education, high paying job, move to be near them, support them starting in your 30s. It is CRAZY and unacceptable for them to expect this. It seems normal to them but it is NOT normal in the world you grew up in. Life is too short to live it unhappily. Do what makes you happy. Find balance in your life. Make time for friends who can be more supportive than your parents can. Shut down these guilt trips. Really. Just shut it down. "This topic is closed for discussion. I will live my own life. Thank you for my upbringing. But no more guilt. It's over." You can do this. If they continue to guilt you, honestly, just say once again, "No more guilt. I'm done," and hang up. I think hanging up is terribly rude but protecting yourself is super important when you are at the breaking point and they refuse to thinof of YOUR best interests.

Tell me you’re white without telling me you’re white. It is NOT crazy and unacceptable for OP’s parents to have these demands. It’s pretty normal for East Asian immigrants to do what OP’s parents are doing.

Her spouse could be white though. She doesn’t have to buy in. She truly doesn’t. In the US, where they raised her, money flows the other way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just because your parents want to lay heavy guilt trips on you does not mean that you need to shoulder that guilt. Everything in life is a bit of a gamble. They had no idea if their DD would get into an Ivy or get a high paying job. They put all their eggs in one basket: you. Everything you write makes me more indignant about their expectations. (I am the PP at the top of this page, p. 14).

You can be loving but set boundaries. It must be hard to have no siblings, with parents putting so many pressures on you: Ivy education, high paying job, move to be near them, support them starting in your 30s. It is CRAZY and unacceptable for them to expect this. It seems normal to them but it is NOT normal in the world you grew up in. Life is too short to live it unhappily. Do what makes you happy. Find balance in your life. Make time for friends who can be more supportive than your parents can. Shut down these guilt trips. Really. Just shut it down. "This topic is closed for discussion. I will live my own life. Thank you for my upbringing. But no more guilt. It's over." You can do this. If they continue to guilt you, honestly, just say once again, "No more guilt. I'm done," and hang up. I think hanging up is terribly rude but protecting yourself is super important when you are at the breaking point and they refuse to thinof of YOUR best interests.

It was not a “gamble.” Immigrant parents sacrifice for their kids, and their kids must sacrifice for them. That’s not a “gamble,” that’s a business deal that many parents in this area make.

And I’m sure with all the supplemental tutoring and intensive parenting that DD’s SAHM did for her, they were confident she’d get into an Ivy and get a high paying job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just because your parents want to lay heavy guilt trips on you does not mean that you need to shoulder that guilt. Everything in life is a bit of a gamble. They had no idea if their DD would get into an Ivy or get a high paying job. They put all their eggs in one basket: you. Everything you write makes me more indignant about their expectations. (I am the PP at the top of this page, p. 14).

You can be loving but set boundaries. It must be hard to have no siblings, with parents putting so many pressures on you: Ivy education, high paying job, move to be near them, support them starting in your 30s. It is CRAZY and unacceptable for them to expect this. It seems normal to them but it is NOT normal in the world you grew up in. Life is too short to live it unhappily. Do what makes you happy. Find balance in your life. Make time for friends who can be more supportive than your parents can. Shut down these guilt trips. Really. Just shut it down. "This topic is closed for discussion. I will live my own life. Thank you for my upbringing. But no more guilt. It's over." You can do this. If they continue to guilt you, honestly, just say once again, "No more guilt. I'm done," and hang up. I think hanging up is terribly rude but protecting yourself is super important when you are at the breaking point and they refuse to thinof of YOUR best interests.

It was not a “gamble.” Immigrant parents sacrifice for their kids, and their kids must sacrifice for them. That’s not a “gamble,” that’s a business deal that many parents in this area make.

And I’m sure with all the supplemental tutoring and intensive parenting that DD’s SAHM did for her, they were confident she’d get into an Ivy and get a high paying job.

The daughter had no agency in all of these decisions. She is not bound by some imaginary contract she never agreed to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

She will absolutely resent you. And her spouse definitely will. Especially when your daughter has to bust her a$$ as a working mom so her mom never had to work at all.

Many, arguably most, first-gen Korean women in this area give up their careers to be SAHMs and raise their kids to be high achievers. Besides, I’ve already mentioned before that my wife has worked part-time in the US in retail (and then full-time for one year before she got fired).

You know, there are first-gen Asian women who don't give up their careers to be SAHMS and their kids are still high achievers. It's called modeling behavior.
As a first-gen Chinese woman who went back to work after toddler years at home, I am always perplexed by all the other Chinese moms who don't do squat all day long but push and pressure their children relentlessly.

OP's mother CAN work but doesn't apply herself. I'm so tired of Asian parents talking about their "sacrifice". All parents make decisions based on what they think is best for the family but most don't put the liability on the children. My mother had to work due to economic circumstances. She expected to be a tai-tai but that didn't work out so she began working again as a seamstress. She saved up a lot in her 401K, her house is mortgage free. She didn't talk about "sacrifices".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

She will absolutely resent you. And her spouse definitely will. Especially when your daughter has to bust her a$$ as a working mom so her mom never had to work at all.

Many, arguably most, first-gen Korean women in this area give up their careers to be SAHMs and raise their kids to be high achievers. Besides, I’ve already mentioned before that my wife has worked part-time in the US in retail (and then full-time for one year before she got fired).

You know, there are first-gen Asian women who don't give up their careers to be SAHMS and their kids are still high achievers. It's called modeling behavior.
As a first-gen Chinese woman who went back to work after toddler years at home, I am always perplexed by all the other Chinese moms who don't do squat all day long but push and pressure their children relentlessly.

OP's mother CAN work but doesn't apply herself. I'm so tired of Asian parents talking about their "sacrifice". All parents make decisions based on what they think is best for the family but most don't put the liability on the children. My mother had to work due to economic circumstances. She expected to be a tai-tai but that didn't work out so she began working again as a seamstress. She saved up a lot in her 401K, her house is mortgage free. She didn't talk about "sacrifices".

[Anonymous]

I am the PP to whom the responses above are written. The reason I wrote it was crazy and unacceptable is not related to culture. They did not follow the norms of their OWN culture. They did not support their OWN parents in their elder years. That is an extra reason why I wrote that they can't have it both ways, though they are trying to. And it is crazy and unacceptable not to be beholden to their own parents but to guilt trip their DD to be beholden to them. That is part of why I wrote that they are hypocrites.

My two sisters and I all went to Ivy League colleges. My mother managed to maintain a career as a lawyer while also making sure we did our best work on everything. My parents paid every cent of our undergrad educations (except for my older sister who got tons of merit scholarships). My sisters and I did not have to take out any loans in our names or pay any of our own way. My parents never ever expected anything in return. You might argue that they didn't sacrifice. One could argue that OP's parents didn't really sacrifice either, not much. Her mother's career was low paying in the first place. Her parents have found some of their own benefits in living in this country.

One of our husbands' parents used to lay that guilt trip a little. "I gave up my career and stayed home and you don't appreciate my sacrifices, wah wah." It is not a "good look" for parents to guilt their kids. Parenting and sacrifices ARE gambles. There are no guarantees in life. Parental devotion and supports do NOT guarantee an Ivy education and a high paying job! Their DD could have taken drugs, gotten a life threatening illness, gotten pregnant, lots of things.

We parent as well as we can because we love our children and want good lives for them... not as a return on our investment. And in this country where their daughter lives, yes, it is crazy and unacceptable to insist on this return on one's investment, to regard a family as a business venture.

Especially when the parents did not live their OWN lives that way!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

My parents haven’t supported their own parents in their elder years since they have siblings (who all live in Korea and are thus much closer to my grandparents than my parents are). But since I’m an only child and probably won’t move out of the US, I’m the only one left to support my parents.

My parents have always told me that they’re sick and tired of me “trying to have it all.” That is to say, they repeatedly have told me that they’re sick of me whining about my brutal BB IB job when they sacrificed everything for me to come here. They are sick of having to pay back their 401k loan for an education that wasn’t theirs. They repeatedly tell me over the phone that they’re sick of me trying to assert my independence in “staying in the Northeast after graduation” when they wanted me to live near them in the DMV.

I agree that my mom refusing to work isn’t my problem, but she doesn’t see it that way. My mom constantly guilt trips me with the “I sacrificed my rewarding career in Korea so I could educate you to get into an Ivy,” so she expects me to take care of her in her old age.

OP, this was asked several times earlier - what does your mom actually do all day every day since you left home? Is she busy with volunteering and social stuff so doesn't have time to get a job? Or is she just literally staying at home doing nothing?

I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to do some type of work, even if minimal, just to have something to do and earn a little bit while waiting for you to turn 30 and start the retirement subsidy payments?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

My parents haven’t supported their own parents in their elder years since they have siblings (who all live in Korea and are thus much closer to my grandparents than my parents are). But since I’m an only child and probably won’t move out of the US, I’m the only one left to support my parents.

My parents have always told me that they’re sick and tired of me “trying to have it all.” That is to say, they repeatedly have told me that they’re sick of me whining about my brutal BB IB job when they sacrificed everything for me to come here. They are sick of having to pay back their 401k loan for an education that wasn’t theirs. They repeatedly tell me over the phone that they’re sick of me trying to assert my independence in “staying in the Northeast after graduation” when they wanted me to live near them in the DMV.

I agree that my mom refusing to work isn’t my problem, but she doesn’t see it that way. My mom constantly guilt trips me with the “I sacrificed my rewarding career in Korea so I could educate you to get into an Ivy,” so she expects me to take care of her in her old age.

OP, this was asked several times earlier - what does your mom actually do all day every day since you left home? Is she busy with volunteering and social stuff so doesn't have time to get a job? Or is she just literally staying at home doing nothing?

I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to do some type of work, even if minimal, just to have something to do and earn a little bit while waiting for you to turn 30 and start the retirement subsidy payments?

She worked until a couple of years ago when she got fired from her job for not speaking English. But she cannot get a menial labor job as her back pain is too severe. She spends most of her days socializing with her friends (other Korean SAHMs who are married to engineers like my dad). She has a very active social life and also goes to church several times a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

My parents haven’t supported their own parents in their elder years since they have siblings (who all live in Korea and are thus much closer to my grandparents than my parents are). But since I’m an only child and probably won’t move out of the US, I’m the only one left to support my parents.

My parents have always told me that they’re sick and tired of me “trying to have it all.” That is to say, they repeatedly have told me that they’re sick of me whining about my brutal BB IB job when they sacrificed everything for me to come here. They are sick of having to pay back their 401k loan for an education that wasn’t theirs. They repeatedly tell me over the phone that they’re sick of me trying to assert my independence in “staying in the Northeast after graduation” when they wanted me to live near them in the DMV.

I agree that my mom refusing to work isn’t my problem, but she doesn’t see it that way. My mom constantly guilt trips me with the “I sacrificed my rewarding career in Korea so I could educate you to get into an Ivy,” so she expects me to take care of her in her old age.

OP, this was asked several times earlier - what does your mom actually do all day every day since you left home? Is she busy with volunteering and social stuff so doesn't have time to get a job? Or is she just literally staying at home doing nothing?

I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to do some type of work, even if minimal, just to have something to do and earn a little bit while waiting for you to turn 30 and start the retirement subsidy payments?

She worked until a couple of years ago when she got fired from her job for not speaking English. But she cannot get a menial labor job as her back pain is too severe. She spends most of her days socializing with her friends (other Korean SAHMs who are married to engineers like my dad). She has a very active social life and also goes to church several times a week.

Sounds like a rough life full of sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

My parents haven’t supported their own parents in their elder years since they have siblings (who all live in Korea and are thus much closer to my grandparents than my parents are). But since I’m an only child and probably won’t move out of the US, I’m the only one left to support my parents.

My parents have always told me that they’re sick and tired of me “trying to have it all.” That is to say, they repeatedly have told me that they’re sick of me whining about my brutal BB IB job when they sacrificed everything for me to come here. They are sick of having to pay back their 401k loan for an education that wasn’t theirs. They repeatedly tell me over the phone that they’re sick of me trying to assert my independence in “staying in the Northeast after graduation” when they wanted me to live near them in the DMV.

I agree that my mom refusing to work isn’t my problem, but she doesn’t see it that way. My mom constantly guilt trips me with the “I sacrificed my rewarding career in Korea so I could educate you to get into an Ivy,” so she expects me to take care of her in her old age.

OP, this was asked several times earlier - what does your mom actually do all day every day since you left home? Is she busy with volunteering and social stuff so doesn't have time to get a job? Or is she just literally staying at home doing nothing?

I just can't understand why she wouldn't want to do some type of work, even if minimal, just to have something to do and earn a little bit while waiting for you to turn 30 and start the retirement subsidy payments?

She worked until a couple of years ago when she got fired from her job for not speaking English. But she cannot get a menial labor job as her back pain is too severe. She spends most of her days socializing with her friends (other Korean SAHMs who are married to engineers like my dad). She has a very active social life and also goes to church several times a week.

Sounds like a rough life full of sacrifices.

I can’t tell if you’re joking. But she does consistently harp on me about the sacrifices she made for me, which I think are and were very real and legitimate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

PP here. My dad initially emigrated from Korea to another country where he worked as a miner before he was able to get an education and move to the States. I have so much respect for him.

Girl…I’m sorry. I think the bottom line is that you don’t like the hand that you were dealt. Your parents made huge decisions without asking you and are demanding that you fall in line. At the same time, you *have* benefited from their decisions. Plenty of non-immigrants are in the same boat. The question is, what are you going to do about it? If I were in your shoes, I would focus on your own financial and mental stability, because you can’t help anyone, including yourself, without that. Do you want to go back to b-school and transition into something else? Plenty of people use the skills they learn from their time in i-banking to go into other fields. Try to figure out what you hate about I-banking and what you think you’d enjoy doing instead. I think there’s a book called “What Color is Your Parachute“ that helps you think that through.

You also need to set some expectations for your parents. “Dad, I’ll pay you back $_____ for college.” Or, “Dad, I can give you $___ a month until I get married” (and then it’s best to make decisions jointly with spouse). “You will need to keep saving for your own retirement.” Does your company offer any kind of mental health benefit? I think it would be helpful for you to talk through all of this with a therapist. Good luck with everything. Glad we were able to connect, even anonymously. ✌️

I already told my parents that I’d pay back their 401k loan for them. I don’t think my parents are expecting me to give them money in my 20s beyond that, but they’ve told me that when they hit their 60s (and when I hit my 30s) that they need me to take care of them since their retirement accounts are paltry.

Have you considered telling them to adjust their expectations because you will
not be doing that?

Therapy, OP. You need it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP to whom the responses above are written. The reason I wrote it was crazy and unacceptable is not related to culture. They did not follow the norms of their OWN culture. They did not support their OWN parents in their elder years. That is an extra reason why I wrote that they can't have it both ways, though they are trying to. And it is crazy and unacceptable not to be beholden to their own parents but to guilt trip their DD to be beholden to them. That is part of why I wrote that they are hypocrites.

My two sisters and I all went to Ivy League colleges. My mother managed to maintain a career as a lawyer while also making sure we did our best work on everything. My parents paid every cent of our undergrad educations (except for my older sister who got tons of merit scholarships). My sisters and I did not have to take out any loans in our names or pay any of our own way. My parents never ever expected anything in return. You might argue that they didn't sacrifice. One could argue that OP's parents didn't really sacrifice either, not much. Her mother's career was low paying in the first place. Her parents have found some of their own benefits in living in this country.

One of our husbands' parents used to lay that guilt trip a little. "I gave up my career and stayed home and you don't appreciate my sacrifices, wah wah." It is not a "good look" for parents to guilt their kids. Parenting and sacrifices ARE gambles. There are no guarantees in life. Parental devotion and supports do NOT guarantee an Ivy education and a high paying job! Their DD could have taken drugs, gotten a life threatening illness, gotten pregnant, lots of things.

We parent as well as we can because we love our children and want good lives for them... not as a return on our investment. And in this country where their daughter lives, yes, it is crazy and unacceptable to insist on this return on one's investment, to regard a family as a business venture.

Especially when the parents did not live their OWN lives that way!!!

+100 - OP, your parents felt free to do what they wanted/what they felt was best for their family, which was moving to the US while their parents stayed behind. They apparently feel no obligation to support their parents since they have siblings or whatever the case is that will support them. They gave you no such option by making you an only child and putting you in this position and that is not your fault at all. You deserve to have your own family if you desire and not be tied down to parents who have not planned sufficiently and frankly sound lazy in your mom's case.

As an aside, my MIL wanted nothing to do with helping her parents or ILs in their old age yet she expects the world from us. I find it to be the height of hypocrisy. Sorry your parents are treating you like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am the PP to whom the responses above are written. The reason I wrote it was crazy and unacceptable is not related to culture. They did not follow the norms of their OWN culture. They did not support their OWN parents in their elder years. That is an extra reason why I wrote that they can't have it both ways, though they are trying to. And it is crazy and unacceptable not to be beholden to their own parents but to guilt trip their DD to be beholden to them. That is part of why I wrote that they are hypocrites.

My two sisters and I all went to Ivy League colleges. My mother managed to maintain a career as a lawyer while also making sure we did our best work on everything. My parents paid every cent of our undergrad educations (except for my older sister who got tons of merit scholarships). My sisters and I did not have to take out any loans in our names or pay any of our own way. My parents never ever expected anything in return. You might argue that they didn't sacrifice. One could argue that OP's parents didn't really sacrifice either, not much. Her mother's career was low paying in the first place. Her parents have found some of their own benefits in living in this country.

One of our husbands' parents used to lay that guilt trip a little. "I gave up my career and stayed home and you don't appreciate my sacrifices, wah wah." It is not a "good look" for parents to guilt their kids. Parenting and sacrifices ARE gambles. There are no guarantees in life. Parental devotion and supports do NOT guarantee an Ivy education and a high paying job! Their DD could have taken drugs, gotten a life threatening illness, gotten pregnant, lots of things.

We parent as well as we can because we love our children and want good lives for them... not as a return on our investment. And in this country where their daughter lives, yes, it is crazy and unacceptable to insist on this return on one's investment, to regard a family as a business venture.

Especially when the parents did not live their OWN lives that way!!!

+100 - OP, your parents felt free to do what they wanted/what they felt was best for their family, which was moving to the US while their parents stayed behind. They apparently feel no obligation to support their parents since they have siblings or whatever the case is that will support them. They gave you no such option by making you an only child and putting you in this position and that is not your fault at all. You deserve to have your own family if you desire and not be tied down to parents who have not planned sufficiently and frankly sound lazy in your mom's case.

As an aside, my MIL wanted nothing to do with helping her parents or ILs in their old age yet she expects the world from us. I find it to be the height of hypocrisy. Sorry your parents are treating you like this.

You really think SAHMs are lazy?