Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ah. This whole is based on a lie. Why is anyone believing anything this OP says?
OP shame on you for making an entire group of immigrants look bad.

I’m skeptical even the updater posts are true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

My parents haven’t supported their own parents in their elder years since they have siblings (who all live in Korea and are thus much closer to my grandparents than my parents are). But since I’m an only child and probably won’t move out of the US, I’m the only one left to support my parents.

My parents have always told me that they’re sick and tired of me “trying to have it all.” That is to say, they repeatedly have told me that they’re sick of me whining about my brutal BB IB job when they sacrificed everything for me to come here. They are sick of having to pay back their 401k loan for an education that wasn’t theirs. They repeatedly tell me over the phone that they’re sick of me trying to assert my independence in “staying in the Northeast after graduation” when they wanted me to live near them in the DMV.

I agree that my mom refusing to work isn’t my problem, but she doesn’t see it that way. My mom constantly guilt trips me with the “I sacrificed my rewarding career in Korea so I could educate you to get into an Ivy,” so she expects me to take care of her in her old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

My parents haven’t supported their own parents in their elder years since they have siblings (who all live in Korea and are thus much closer to my grandparents than my parents are). But since I’m an only child and probably won’t move out of the US, I’m the only one left to support my parents.

My parents have always told me that they’re sick and tired of me “trying to have it all.” That is to say, they repeatedly have told me that they’re sick of me whining about my brutal BB IB job when they sacrificed everything for me to come here. They are sick of having to pay back their 401k loan for an education that wasn’t theirs. They repeatedly tell me over the phone that they’re sick of me trying to assert my independence in “staying in the Northeast after graduation” when they wanted me to live near them in the DMV.

I agree that my mom refusing to work isn’t my problem, but she doesn’t see it that way. My mom constantly guilt trips me with the “I sacrificed my rewarding career in Korea so I could educate you to get into an Ivy,” so she expects me to take care of her in her old age.

You need to help them pay back the 401k. That will put you on a more equal footing. Did they also provide the parental contribution?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

PP here. My dad initially emigrated from Korea to another country where he worked as a miner before he was able to get an education and move to the States. I have so much respect for him.

Girl…I’m sorry. I think the bottom line is that you don’t like the hand that you were dealt. Your parents made huge decisions without asking you and are demanding that you fall in line. At the same time, you *have* benefited from their decisions. Plenty of non-immigrants are in the same boat. The question is, what are you going to do about it? If I were in your shoes, I would focus on your own financial and mental stability, because you can’t help anyone, including yourself, without that. Do you want to go back to b-school and transition into something else? Plenty of people use the skills they learn from their time in i-banking to go into other fields. Try to figure out what you hate about I-banking and what you think you’d enjoy doing instead. I think there’s a book called “What Color is Your Parachute“ that helps you think that through.

You also need to set some expectations for your parents. “Dad, I’ll pay you back $_____ for college.” Or, “Dad, I can give you $___ a month until I get married” (and then it’s best to make decisions jointly with spouse). “You will need to keep saving for your own retirement.” Does your company offer any kind of mental health benefit? I think it would be helpful for you to talk through all of this with a therapist. Good luck with everything. Glad we were able to connect, even anonymously. ✌️

I already told my parents that I’d pay back their 401k loan for them. I don’t think my parents are expecting me to give them money in my 20s beyond that, but they’ve told me that when they hit their 60s (and when I hit my 30s) that they need me to take care of them since their retirement accounts are paltry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

My parents haven’t supported their own parents in their elder years since they have siblings (who all live in Korea and are thus much closer to my grandparents than my parents are). But since I’m an only child and probably won’t move out of the US, I’m the only one left to support my parents.

My parents have always told me that they’re sick and tired of me “trying to have it all.” That is to say, they repeatedly have told me that they’re sick of me whining about my brutal BB IB job when they sacrificed everything for me to come here. They are sick of having to pay back their 401k loan for an education that wasn’t theirs. They repeatedly tell me over the phone that they’re sick of me trying to assert my independence in “staying in the Northeast after graduation” when they wanted me to live near them in the DMV.

I agree that my mom refusing to work isn’t my problem, but she doesn’t see it that way. My mom constantly guilt trips me with the “I sacrificed my rewarding career in Korea so I could educate you to get into an Ivy,” so she expects me to take care of her in her old age.

You need to help them pay back the 401k. That will put you on a more equal footing. Did they also provide the parental contribution?

I’ve already told them that I will pay back their 401k loan. And yes, they provided some parental contribution on top of that, which they use to guilt trip me a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

Written expression and spoken expression are not the same thing. He writes professionally as one would expect from a professional with decades of experience in the US. But, someone who learned to speak English as an adult will always have an accent.

I'm an immigrant myself from Eastern Europe. I had some English in high school, but back then, I didn't have access to the internet and couldn't learn it too well. I came to US in my 20s. I still have an accent. I can write well in English, but I'm not excellent, the same with speaking ( I just don't use sophisticated words). I'm also surprised by OP writing perfectly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:2nd gen Korean American woman here. My parents immigrated here in their mid to late 30s before I was born and my dad worked in IT. He capped out with a salary below $110K when he retired. My mom stayed home once I was born to raise the kids.

What kind of car do you drive, OP? My parents always had a cheap car compared to the other Korean families I knew. My mom only bought clothes off the sale racks. I never had brand name clothes growing up unless it was handed down to us by another Korean family. We lived in a tiny 3-bdrm ranch house. They refused to try to “keep up with the Kims”.

My dad put us kids through good private colleges. We graduated with loans, but are all doing well as adults. I worked in finance in NYC. By the way, these jobs are hugely stressful. Wall Street firms routinely fire low performers. The pressure to perform and the long hours are intense.

My dad always says how grateful he feels that they do not have to ask us for money and we do not have to ask our parents for money. Your sacrifice is small to what my dad endured. He worked dangerous blue collar jobs to support himself and send money home before he got his education. Being underpaid in white collar corporate America was the most he ever achieved, and I am incredibly proud of him.

My parents have continued to live within their means as retirees. My mom doesn’t have any designer purses or clothes, nor does she value or expect them. They place no expectations or guilt on us kids to support them, although we took them on a big vacation this year that they unsuccessfully tried to help pay for.

I hope that you’ll adjust your expectations and your lifestyle, if appropriate. Your daughter was raised here, and she will feel resentment for having to help her parents financially, especially if you are living a lifestyle in which you are trying to keep up with flashy Korean families. It will hurt your relationship with her.

OP here. Okay, finally someone who gets it. We have only one car (which is rare in this area), and it’s a 12 year-old Toyota. We live as frugally as your parents, it seems like.

Also, how is it possible that your dad worked “dangerous blue collar jobs” but also worked in IT?

I get that NYC finance is hard. My daughter complains a lot about the hours. But I hope my daughter doesn’t feel resentment for trying to help me and my wife in retirement. It’s part of our culture, as you know. I hope that you don’t feel resentful towards your parents when you have to help them out as they age. They sacrificed a lot for you, as you know.

PP here. My dad initially emigrated from Korea to another country where he worked as a miner before he was able to get an education and move to the States. I have so much respect for him.

Girl…I’m sorry. I think the bottom line is that you don’t like the hand that you were dealt. Your parents made huge decisions without asking you and are demanding that you fall in line. At the same time, you *have* benefited from their decisions. Plenty of non-immigrants are in the same boat. The question is, what are you going to do about it? If I were in your shoes, I would focus on your own financial and mental stability, because you can’t help anyone, including yourself, without that. Do you want to go back to b-school and transition into something else? Plenty of people use the skills they learn from their time in i-banking to go into other fields. Try to figure out what you hate about I-banking and what you think you’d enjoy doing instead. I think there’s a book called “What Color is Your Parachute“ that helps you think that through.

You also need to set some expectations for your parents. “Dad, I’ll pay you back $_____ for college.” Or, “Dad, I can give you $___ a month until I get married” (and then it’s best to make decisions jointly with spouse). “You will need to keep saving for your own retirement.” Does your company offer any kind of mental health benefit? I think it would be helpful for you to talk through all of this with a therapist. Good luck with everything. Glad we were able to connect, even anonymously. ✌️

I already told my parents that I’d pay back their 401k loan for them. I don’t think my parents are expecting me to give them money in my 20s beyond that, but they’ve told me that when they hit their 60s (and when I hit my 30s) that they need me to take care of them since their retirement accounts are paltry.

Stick to what you promised and tell them you can’t do more like support them in their 60’s. That way they can plan accordingly and know they cannot expect you to help out. They still have 10 or more years to save, your mom should go back to work, and they can look to downsize their house or move to a lower COLA area. Spell it out your boundaries now. I’m also the daughter of East Asian immigrants and my dad, in his 80’s, is impoverished. He made a number of bad life decisions (including leaving my mom for a gold digger back in the homeland and she left him high and dry). He came back to the US expecting me to care for him in my house. I let him stay a few months but he had a stroke and ended up in a hospital and then a Medicaid nursing home that I spent countless hours finding and applying for. Of course he wants to leave and come back to live with me but I’m like hell no. I have a full time job and he treated me like a nurse, Uber, personal shopper, financial planner, housekeeper, and landlord. No freaking way.

[Anonymous]

Just because your parents want to lay heavy guilt trips on you does not mean that you need to shoulder that guilt. Everything in life is a bit of a gamble. They had no idea if their DD would get into an Ivy or get a high paying job. They put all their eggs in one basket: you. Everything you write makes me more indignant about their expectations. (I am the PP at the top of this page, p. 14).

You can be loving but set boundaries. It must be hard to have no siblings, with parents putting so many pressures on you: Ivy education, high paying job, move to be near them, support them starting in your 30s. It is CRAZY and unacceptable for them to expect this. It seems normal to them but it is NOT normal in the world you grew up in. Life is too short to live it unhappily. Do what makes you happy. Find balance in your life. Make time for friends who can be more supportive than your parents can. Shut down these guilt trips. Really. Just shut it down. "This topic is closed for discussion. I will live my own life. Thank you for my upbringing. But no more guilt. It's over." You can do this. If they continue to guilt you, honestly, just say once again, "No more guilt. I'm done," and hang up. I think hanging up is terribly rude but protecting yourself is super important when you are at the breaking point and they refuse to thinof of YOUR best interests.

[Anonymous]

Oh honey. I’m sorry. Your parents don’t deserve more than the repayment of the loan. And you need to get some distance from them.

It’s your life, despite that they wish they had it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

Yes. Her parents can have it both ways because they did not abandon their Korean values when they gave her an Ivy education on their dime. For this kid to reach an Ivy college, there were many years of investment of time, effort and money by the parents, that most American parents don't do. These parents probably denied themselves a more luxurious lifestyle to afford the enrichment for their DD. These parents were Koreans in the way they raised their child. Their child will probably be Korean in their attachment and bonding to her parents.

These parents were Korean parents who cared for their child, when the child was a minor, and gave her a brighter future. I am sure that the daughter appreciates everything that her parents did for her once she saw the reality of American students up close and personal in her college days. My own kids eyes opened when they realized how dysfunctional the home life of their dorm mates was when they went to college. Before that, they took for granted that their parents will always priortize their future because isn't that what parents do?

OP, you are doing fine. Don't get FOMO when you hear other people brag on DCUM. Most people are in precarious state regarding their finances, their marriage and their failure to launch children. Continue to take care of the mental and physical health of your child, continue to save money and think of ways to create alternate means of income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. I’m sorry. Your parents don’t deserve more than the repayment of the loan. And you need to get some distance from them.

It’s your life, despite that they wish they had it.

Who are you having this conversation with?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh honey. I’m sorry. Your parents don’t deserve more than the repayment of the loan. And you need to get some distance from them.

It’s your life, despite that they wish they had it.

Who are you having this conversation with?

The OP. But I assume you didn’t read the thread.

[Anonymous]

People, keep up! On page 12 or 13, OP confessed to being the daughter. So now we are advising the daughter, not the father.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP (daughter): Just curious, have your parents supported their parents in their elder years? (I still think you owe them nothing, just wondering.)

Also, my DH and I both had low-paying jobs we loved and couldn't save much. We took out large loans so our DD could have an Ivy college education. No financial aid because of other assets we had (from a divorce) which we could not touch during her college years (because I was helping to subsidize my own parents' elder years). DD did not have to take out a penny of loans in her own name. We would never dream of asking her to support us.

Your parents can't have it both ways: move to US so you can have US educational advantages but expect you to accept values of a culture you never lived in. You deserve to chart your own path in life. You are not beholden to them. Make it clear to them now so they can get busy on Plan B for their retirement. Your mom is especially hypocritical. If she won't work, that is NOT your problem.

Yes. Her parents can have it both ways because they did not abandon their Korean values when they gave her an Ivy education on their dime. For this kid to reach an Ivy college, there were many years of investment of time, effort and money by the parents, that most American parents don't do. These parents probably denied themselves a more luxurious lifestyle to afford the enrichment for their DD. These parents were Koreans in the way they raised their child. Their child will probably be Korean in their attachment and bonding to her parents.

These parents were Korean parents who cared for their child, when the child was a minor, and gave her a brighter future. I am sure that the daughter appreciates everything that her parents did for her once she saw the reality of American students up close and personal in her college days. My own kids eyes opened when they realized how dysfunctional the home life of their dorm mates was when they went to college. Before that, they took for granted that their parents will always priortize their future because isn't that what parents do?

OP, you are doing fine. Don't get FOMO when you hear other people brag on DCUM. Most people are in precarious state regarding their finances, their marriage and their failure to launch children. Continue to take care of the mental and physical health of your child, continue to save money and think of ways to create alternate means of income.

OP doesn’t have a child. She IS the child. And wait until she finds out how many of her Ivy League friends are getting parental support and quitting to be SAHM’s.