Tell me about your spouse’s limerent affair…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your wife is done. Get the divorce it sucks, but that's the truth. I know it's easier for you to think she's simply being tricked, but it's just as likely even more likely that she's in love with this new woman. Get a divorce, get therapy and move on. Dragging it out isn't helpful to you or your kids.

Where did you get all THAT?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've only seen this word limerance on dcum, and I don't understand its usage. (Or maybe l do lol.) It seems like the cheated-upon use it to downplay the severity of their spouse's affair. Or someone who wants to get over someone tells herself her feelings aren't real, they're just limerance. As if it's a clinical condition with no basis in real emotions.

IMO, limerance is another word for crush...and ALL romantic relationships start with a crush. So why differentiate, OP? Either their relationship will stand the test of time or it won't, but it is a relationship, and your partner is choosing to have that relationship with someone else. That is all that matters.

No, limerence describes a state of mind during a set of actions — so it’s more than a crush. A crush is “oh, I think the pool boy is hot and maybe I will daydream of becoming Mrs. Pool Boy.”

Limerence is going out of your way to try to seduce the pool boy, who is returning the interest on some way. It’s carrying on in that manner with no regard for your actual life responsibilities, believing you won’t get caught, engaging in revisionist history about your existing relationship to create unfavorable comparisons with the pool boy. It’s infatuation plus some kind of action and usually there is reciprocation of some sort, even if not physical.

Right. It's like an addiction, and there's a willingness to let everything else burn to the ground around you for it. My XH lost his job, his marriage, and any sort of normal relationship with his kids all to make the AP happy. He would feign work emergencies and leave the kids (who were preK aged at the time) at daycare just to get 15 more minutes with the AP. He got into a fistfight with his own brother when my former BIL told him he was behaving like a crazy person. He cut his best friend out of his life because the AP didn't like this guy that my XH had been friends with since babyhood. It was like watching the Hindenberg go down, as my ex just set his entire life and support structure on fire for this woman.

I'm not sharing this to let my XH off the hook - he made a series of deliberate and considered choices that led to that all-encompassing infatuation. His AP wasn't some sort of temptress or witch. She was just a normal person who may even have wondered what she got herself into. He could have stepped off that conveyer belt at any point before it hit a crisis point. But the folks talking about "crushes" are overlooking just how insane some folks behave while in the midst of these types of feelings.

This post describes limerence I think. It’s not just a crush- it’s absolute and total craziness and obsession that makes no sense. It’s not even necessarily reciprocated.

That's not what the OP described. The OP's DH keeps saying he's committed to his marriage. People can't help how they feel. No marriage lasts without some feelings for others, whatever you want to call them. What matters is the commitment to the marriage and not acting on those feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Current status: Separated with kids. ExW had an ongoing affair that turned physical. At first, we tried to work through it and realized that nothing I could do was right anymore. A lot of gaslighting occurred. Married for 16 years, together 22.

I don't think that people who have affairs think twice about the damage and carnage they leave behind. They're happy with their newfound love at the expense of their kids. I see my kids every day and my heart breaks for them. There's a fire that's missing from their eyes. I can't ever forgive her for that.

That's so sad. I'm so sorry.

And, I agree with you, that "most" people don't care about the damage and carnage. However, there are a few out there that truly do and spend a lifetime making up for it and changing their coping skills/ways. But, they certainly underestimate the damage and carnage when they first embark on cheating--they do mental gymnastics to justify it in their minds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Current status: Separated with kids. ExW had an ongoing affair that turned physical. At first, we tried to work through it and realized that nothing I could do was right anymore. A lot of gaslighting occurred. Married for 16 years, together 22.

I don't think that people who have affairs think twice about the damage and carnage they leave behind. They're happy with their newfound love at the expense of their kids. I see my kids every day and my heart breaks for them. There's a fire that's missing from their eyes. I can't ever forgive her for that.

That's so sad. I'm so sorry.

And, I agree with you, that "most" people don't care about the damage and carnage. However, there are a few out there that truly do and spend a lifetime making up for it and changing their coping skills/ways. But, they certainly underestimate the damage and carnage when they first embark on cheating--they do mental gymnastics to justify it in their minds.

+1 I am a person who cares and stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Current status: Separated with kids. ExW had an ongoing affair that turned physical. At first, we tried to work through it and realized that nothing I could do was right anymore. A lot of gaslighting occurred. Married for 16 years, together 22.

I don't think that people who have affairs think twice about the damage and carnage they leave behind. They're happy with their newfound love at the expense of their kids. I see my kids every day and my heart breaks for them. There's a fire that's missing from their eyes. I can't ever forgive her for that.

That's so sad. I'm so sorry.

And, I agree with you, that "most" people don't care about the damage and carnage. However, there are a few out there that truly do and spend a lifetime making up for it and changing their coping skills/ways. But, they certainly underestimate the damage and carnage when they first embark on cheating--they do mental gymnastics to justify it in their minds.

Your husband will do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Current status: Separated with kids. ExW had an ongoing affair that turned physical. At first, we tried to work through it and realized that nothing I could do was right anymore. A lot of gaslighting occurred. Married for 16 years, together 22.

I don't think that people who have affairs think twice about the damage and carnage they leave behind. They're happy with their newfound love at the expense of their kids. I see my kids every day and my heart breaks for them. There's a fire that's missing from their eyes. I can't ever forgive her for that.

That's so sad. I'm so sorry.

And, I agree with you, that "most" people don't care about the damage and carnage. However, there are a few out there that truly do and spend a lifetime making up for it and changing their coping skills/ways. But, they certainly underestimate the damage and carnage when they first embark on cheating--they do mental gymnastics to justify it in their minds.

+1 I am a person who cares and stopped.

How did you get yourself to stop? How long did it go on?

[Anonymous]

The limerence wikipedia article was pretty neat.

[Anonymous]

Ah the ruminative thinking… years later

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Current status: Separated with kids. ExW had an ongoing affair that turned physical. At first, we tried to work through it and realized that nothing I could do was right anymore. A lot of gaslighting occurred. Married for 16 years, together 22.

I don't think that people who have affairs think twice about the damage and carnage they leave behind. They're happy with their newfound love at the expense of their kids. I see my kids every day and my heart breaks for them. There's a fire that's missing from their eyes. I can't ever forgive her for that.

That's so sad. I'm so sorry.

And, I agree with you, that "most" people don't care about the damage and carnage. However, there are a few out there that truly do and spend a lifetime making up for it and changing their coping skills/ways. But, they certainly underestimate the damage and carnage when they first embark on cheating--they do mental gymnastics to justify it in their minds.

Your husband will do it again.

hey genius, it was the wife who had the affair. so according to your logic, SHE will do it again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Not all cheaters are serial cheaters. Sometimes they just meet the right person.

Keep telling yourself that. Let us know how it goes.

NP, indeed not all cheaters are serial cheaters, when we met my DH was in on-off LRT with HS sweetheart, they were long distance for the last few years also, both were lonely and got into other relationships before making it officially over; been together over 25 years with no infidelity issues and still in lust with each other, although had some periods of basically sexless marriage because of child care and disease; some relationships just run their course and it is difficult to let go of someone you care about and have history with, practically is part of your family, but what is the point of not letting it go when it becomes much more difficult to make it work then end it
I know of few such cases, got together like teenagers, went on to marry after college, so good people with good intentions, marriage was not happy, both felt lonely together and one of them inevitably gets to meet someone else that helps them take the decision to end it, no matter how hard it is for everyone
I don’t understand the situation where the spouse is barely connecting with the other but insists on staying together; children do not fare better in marriages with issues where the spouses fight constantly or barely talk to each other, sometimes, no amount of effort is enough to make it decent so better work together on the split; sadly, there is always one spouse that wants to go through hell before reaching for heaven …. none of the alternatives is ideal, either split, work the difficult details, feel lonely, hurt, whatever or stay together, miserable for the time being and faking it until you make it, either way has pain in it for all, including for the children. wonder why is so easy for rich people to separate when things get tough, because money does not matter, spouses are independent and assistants take care of everything, easy peasy, it hurts but there is alcohol and they still look good and can get out the next day and fall in love all over again

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: histrionic personality disorder. They equate drama and strife with love

Why would drama and strife be synonymous with love?

just psycho-babble, fancy words meaning nothing, if they use them we believe they must be smart to figure it out and so we pay their fee

stop shaming the cheaters, stop putting them in therapy and giving them pills to numb their feelings, let them live their lives the way they want it, it’s between them and their spouse
some people like it spicy, want adrenaline, want lust, want wild sex and blowjobs every morning and evening, that’s how they want their life, nothing wrong with it, just spouse may not like it, everyone is free to leave the relationship, divorce is legal, get self-sufficient and learn to live without latching on someone else, if there are children then that is your priority, keeping them safe and making them feel both parents love them no matter what happens between partners
nobody is destroying any lives, stop making it dramatic, only death destroys life, it’s traumatic but so are many things, seeing children get shot in schools that’s dramatic not your spouse getting sex somewhere else because of you are not in the mood for months or years, either take it or leave it

[Anonymous]

Most limerant affairs are emotional and not physical.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

For DCUM it's the new buzzword, used to convince themselves they can save their marriage, AP is evil and just tricked spouse and spouse could never truly have feelings for AP.

Sorry, Sweetie. It’s not love. He’s not leaving his wife for you.

and yet so many have … brangelina ring a bell? no kids, that’s true but lust for angie was stronger than love he had for jen, he was a decent guy
it shows that men will leave their wife pretty easy if no kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

For DCUM it's the new buzzword, used to convince themselves they can save their marriage, AP is evil and just tricked spouse and spouse could never truly have feelings for AP.

Sorry, Sweetie. It’s not love. He’s not leaving his wife for you.

and yet so many have … brangelina ring a bell? no kids, that’s true but lust for angie was stronger than love he had for jen, he was a decent guy
it shows that men will leave their wife pretty easy if no kids

It was temporary. Look at Brad and Angie now. Both pathetic. IT started on lies. She has always had mental health issues coupled with severe daddy issues. She's a perennial cheater---seems to have a penchant for engaged and married men. Speaks to low self-esteem.

Brad is just a dolt. He's not bright and smoked/smokes way too much weed and drinks too much. Now he claims he as facial recognition blindness. Ha. He killed his brain cells.

I don't think Brad was evil. He was just a kind of dumb Midwestern guy who was easy to dupe. His family still hangs out with Jen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is the difference between falling in love and limerence?

For DCUM it's the new buzzword, used to convince themselves they can save their marriage, AP is evil and just tricked spouse and spouse could never truly have feelings for AP.

Sorry, Sweetie. It’s not love. He’s not leaving his wife for you.

and yet so many have … brangelina ring a bell? no kids, that’s true but lust for angie was stronger than love he had for jen, he was a decent guy
it shows that men will leave their wife pretty easy if no kids

It was temporary. Look at Brad and Angie now. Both pathetic. IT started on lies. She has always had mental health issues coupled with severe daddy issues. She's a perennial cheater---seems to have a penchant for engaged and married men. Speaks to low self-esteem.

Brad is just a dolt. He's not bright and smoked/smokes way too much weed and drinks too much. Now he claims he as facial recognition blindness. Ha. He killed his brain cells.

I don't think Brad was evil. He was just a kind of dumb Midwestern guy who was easy to dupe. His family still hangs out with Jen.

Their kids are being used as pawns in their long drawn out battle. It's disgusting. She tried defamation as well. I don't think she expected that people wouldn't be 'team ang'. It seems to have come as a shock. But, that is a narcissist/borderline for you.