Tell me about your spouse’s limerent affair…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yep. He's slimy for sure. Although I think his new girlfriend is not as attractive as his ex wife, especially when you see pictures of her when she was younger.

Eh, when you trade in your used car for a newer model, you might remember how great your old car was when it was new, but it still has 200,000 miles on it now so time to say bye bye.

The new model loses half it's value as soon as you drive it off the lot (put a ring on it). . In five years new cars lose 60% of their initial value and sometimes you get a complete lemon. Good luck with that!

It’s pretty funny that 2nd marriages have a failure rate similar to the depreciation of a car (approx. 65%)!

For a second marriage your best bet is a reliable used model with low mileage and no major accidents : )

Sometimes the first is worth so much more and better to stick with, like a 1962 Ferrari GTO. Gets more expensive/priceless over time.

Totally agree

[Anonymous]

Some of us deeply wanted this and just did not find it for whatever reason.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My first spouse had a limerent affair, second spouse had a quasi-limerent affair, third spouse had a non-limerent affair. All the while I was having minimally limerent affairs. Very sad for all parties

There is no such thing as a minimally limerant affair. Maybe your constant infidelity is the source of your repeated relationship failure.

I was one of her minimally limerent APs. I can vouch that after the crush stage it was just meh and we got over it pretty quick.

[Anonymous]

Is it a limerant affair if the limeree does not realize they have been limerized?

[Anonymous]

What about a love bomb relationship where the limerer falls hard for a limeree that’s a psychopath. Would that be considered limerence by fraud?

[Anonymous]

This thread jumped the shark about five pages ago. I am putting a fork in it. Can we move on?

[Anonymous]

Well it's been a long long road. I discovered my husbands limerent affair 5 years ago. I can honestly say were not being mindful of our marriage. Over volunteering - raising 2 young kids. I found out when looking for his adult league softball schedule and his search bar said - understanding what its like to go through a divorce and novels about teachers who end up together. (spring 2018)
6 months prior he and a co-worker were talking and she told him about her failing marriage. For the next 8 weeks they spoke everyday (fall 2017). He was emailing her to check in on her. He noticed he had feelings so he said Im married and I can't be your friendly ear any more bc Im developing feelings for you. She immediately blocked him on social media, and she said she didn't want cobtact with him.
Then he became obcessed with knowing if she had feelings for him. He thought she was being so nice waiting until she divorced fully to tell him how great he is.

Well we did counseling (mostly separate he said be needed tp work through some stuff)and took some nights away. We worked hard. Our communication skills improved. We have 2 children who have very high IQ's and caring for them is more of a challenge then either of us ever thought it would be.

So I could feel some distance and he was acting strange ) (Winter 2020) He was still enamored with this woman. Fantasizing about her. Wanting to know what she thought of him. So we started the process all over again to recover. Marriage counseling this time.

(Spring/summer 2022) Well he passed her in the hall at work and she smiled so he became desperate to know how she felt. He left notes for her and she turned him in to HR. He was put on admin leave and will have to move to another building to keep his job.

So fall 2017 to Spring 2022. Each time he says he never was going to leave the marriage and apparently loved me the whole time. How can this be true?

I've read on Limerent Affairs and it all describes it to a T. We never had a bad marriage. We enjoy being together
. It was easier to be in a fantasy with this woman the deal with parenting our children. We actively worked on our marriage all od these years. It has come to my attention that it almost doesn't matter what I do - durong these years he wasn't honest about his struggle. He wanted someone to listen but wasn't being honest with me or the counselor. (so he never got what he wanted and neither did I) I really dont want a divorce, but I also will no longer be in a marriage that my husband feels the need to escape all the time. He struggles with perfectionism and low self esteem.
It has been very hurtful the time and energy he put into getting to know her and understand her feels crushing. He has ideas of us doing things together that would strengthen our understanding of each other and our bond, but has little to no follow through.

[Anonymous]

Um, whoa. Your husband is creepy as F.

[Anonymous]

Maybe we as a society need to stop sending people the message that they have to be married to be socially acceptable. Perhaps the institution of marriage just doesn’t work for a lot of people anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've only seen this word limerance on dcum, and I don't understand its usage. (Or maybe l do lol.) It seems like the cheated-upon use it to downplay the severity of their spouse's affair. Or someone who wants to get over someone tells herself her feelings aren't real, they're just limerance. As if it's a clinical condition with no basis in real emotions.

IMO, limerance is another word for crush...and ALL romantic relationships start with a crush. So why differentiate, OP? Either their relationship will stand the test of time or it won't, but it is a relationship, and your partner is choosing to have that relationship with someone else. That is all that matters.

No, limerence describes a state of mind during a set of actions — so it’s more than a crush. A crush is “oh, I think the pool boy is hot and maybe I will daydream of becoming Mrs. Pool Boy.”

Limerence is going out of your way to try to seduce the pool boy, who is returning the interest on some way. It’s carrying on in that manner with no regard for your actual life responsibilities, believing you won’t get caught, engaging in revisionist history about your existing relationship to create unfavorable comparisons with the pool boy. It’s infatuation plus some kind of action and usually there is reciprocation of some sort, even if not physical.

Right. It's like an addiction, and there's a willingness to let everything else burn to the ground around you for it. My XH lost his job, his marriage, and any sort of normal relationship with his kids all to make the AP happy. He would feign work emergencies and leave the kids (who were preK aged at the time) at daycare just to get 15 more minutes with the AP. He got into a fistfight with his own brother when my former BIL told him he was behaving like a crazy person. He cut his best friend out of his life because the AP didn't like this guy that my XH had been friends with since babyhood. It was like watching the Hindenberg go down, as my ex just set his entire life and support structure on fire for this woman.

I'm not sharing this to let my XH off the hook - he made a series of deliberate and considered choices that led to that all-encompassing infatuation. His AP wasn't some sort of temptress or witch. She was just a normal person who may even have wondered what she got herself into. He could have stepped off that conveyer belt at any point before it hit a crisis point. But the folks talking about "crushes" are overlooking just how insane some folks behave while in the midst of these types of feelings.

This post describes limerence I think. It’s not just a crush- it’s absolute and total craziness and obsession that makes no sense. It’s not even necessarily reciprocated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Um, whoa. Your husband is creepy as F.

NP - I think it is legit mental illness. I've seen it first hand. I think it ties to OCD and anxiety, so meds could help. I would not like to be on the receiving end. In the cases I've seen, after only receiving bread crumbs for months/years, one person feeling the limerence finally lost interest when dealing with a life emergency, and in the other, one person had to be forcibly removed from the situation (i.e. fired or sent through HR to move them to another location).

[Anonymous]

Current status: Separated with kids. ExW had an ongoing affair that turned physical. At first, we tried to work through it and realized that nothing I could do was right anymore. A lot of gaslighting occurred. Married for 16 years, together 22.

I don't think that people who have affairs think twice about the damage and carnage they leave behind. They're happy with their newfound love at the expense of their kids. I see my kids every day and my heart breaks for them. There's a fire that's missing from their eyes. I can't ever forgive her for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I've only seen this word limerance on dcum, and I don't understand its usage. (Or maybe l do lol.) It seems like the cheated-upon use it to downplay the severity of their spouse's affair. Or someone who wants to get over someone tells herself her feelings aren't real, they're just limerance. As if it's a clinical condition with no basis in real emotions.

IMO, limerance is another word for crush...and ALL romantic relationships start with a crush. So why differentiate, OP? Either their relationship will stand the test of time or it won't, but it is a relationship, and your partner is choosing to have that relationship with someone else. That is all that matters.

No, limerence describes a state of mind during a set of actions — so it’s more than a crush. A crush is “oh, I think the pool boy is hot and maybe I will daydream of becoming Mrs. Pool Boy.”

Limerence is going out of your way to try to seduce the pool boy, who is returning the interest on some way. It’s carrying on in that manner with no regard for your actual life responsibilities, believing you won’t get caught, engaging in revisionist history about your existing relationship to create unfavorable comparisons with the pool boy. It’s infatuation plus some kind of action and usually there is reciprocation of some sort, even if not physical.

Right. It's like an addiction, and there's a willingness to let everything else burn to the ground around you for it. My XH lost his job, his marriage, and any sort of normal relationship with his kids all to make the AP happy. He would feign work emergencies and leave the kids (who were preK aged at the time) at daycare just to get 15 more minutes with the AP. He got into a fistfight with his own brother when my former BIL told him he was behaving like a crazy person. He cut his best friend out of his life because the AP didn't like this guy that my XH had been friends with since babyhood. It was like watching the Hindenberg go down, as my ex just set his entire life and support structure on fire for this woman.

I'm not sharing this to let my XH off the hook - he made a series of deliberate and considered choices that led to that all-encompassing infatuation. His AP wasn't some sort of temptress or witch. She was just a normal person who may even have wondered what she got herself into. He could have stepped off that conveyer belt at any point before it hit a crisis point. But the folks talking about "crushes" are overlooking just how insane some folks behave while in the midst of these types of feelings.

This post describes limerence I think. It’s not just a crush- it’s absolute and total craziness and obsession that makes no sense. It’s not even necessarily reciprocated.

Yeah this poster pretty much nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it's been a long long road. I discovered my husbands limerent affair 5 years ago. I can honestly say were not being mindful of our marriage. Over volunteering - raising 2 young kids. I found out when looking for his adult league softball schedule and his search bar said - understanding what its like to go through a divorce and novels about teachers who end up together. (spring 2018)
6 months prior he and a co-worker were talking and she told him about her failing marriage. For the next 8 weeks they spoke everyday (fall 2017). He was emailing her to check in on her. He noticed he had feelings so he said Im married and I can't be your friendly ear any more bc Im developing feelings for you. She immediately blocked him on social media, and she said she didn't want cobtact with him.
Then he became obcessed with knowing if she had feelings for him. He thought she was being so nice waiting until she divorced fully to tell him how great he is.

Well we did counseling (mostly separate he said be needed tp work through some stuff)and took some nights away. We worked hard. Our communication skills improved. We have 2 children who have very high IQ's and caring for them is more of a challenge then either of us ever thought it would be.

So I could feel some distance and he was acting strange ) (Winter 2020) He was still enamored with this woman. Fantasizing about her. Wanting to know what she thought of him. So we started the process all over again to recover. Marriage counseling this time.

(Spring/summer 2022) Well he passed her in the hall at work and she smiled so he became desperate to know how she felt. He left notes for her and she turned him in to HR. He was put on admin leave and will have to move to another building to keep his job.

So fall 2017 to Spring 2022. Each time he says he never was going to leave the marriage and apparently loved me the whole time. How can this be true?

I've read on Limerent Affairs and it all describes it to a T. We never had a bad marriage. We enjoy being together
. It was easier to be in a fantasy with this woman the deal with parenting our children. We actively worked on our marriage all od these years. It has come to my attention that it almost doesn't matter what I do - durong these years he wasn't honest about his struggle. He wanted someone to listen but wasn't being honest with me or the counselor. (so he never got what he wanted and neither did I) I really dont want a divorce, but I also will no longer be in a marriage that my husband feels the need to escape all the time. He struggles with perfectionism and low self esteem.
It has been very hurtful the time and energy he put into getting to know her and understand her feels crushing. He has ideas of us doing things together that would strengthen our understanding of each other and our bond, but has little to no follow through.

I'm sorry; this must be really hard.

Your husband seems to be suffering from obsessive, intrusive thoughts, to the point that he has to switch job locations. That is a big deal. I really think he needs to be in ongoing therapy for this. Just idly suggesting the two of you spend more time together is not enough to address this. Obviously whatever he did in therapy five years ago was not enough. Has he tried EMDR?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well it's been a long long road. I discovered my husbands limerent affair 5 years ago. I can honestly say were not being mindful of our marriage. Over volunteering - raising 2 young kids. I found out when looking for his adult league softball schedule and his search bar said - understanding what its like to go through a divorce and novels about teachers who end up together. (spring 2018)
6 months prior he and a co-worker were talking and she told him about her failing marriage. For the next 8 weeks they spoke everyday (fall 2017). He was emailing her to check in on her. He noticed he had feelings so he said Im married and I can't be your friendly ear any more bc Im developing feelings for you. She immediately blocked him on social media, and she said she didn't want cobtact with him.
Then he became obcessed with knowing if she had feelings for him. He thought she was being so nice waiting until she divorced fully to tell him how great he is.

Well we did counseling (mostly separate he said be needed tp work through some stuff)and took some nights away. We worked hard. Our communication skills improved. We have 2 children who have very high IQ's and caring for them is more of a challenge then either of us ever thought it would be.

So I could feel some distance and he was acting strange ) (Winter 2020) He was still enamored with this woman. Fantasizing about her. Wanting to know what she thought of him. So we started the process all over again to recover. Marriage counseling this time.

(Spring/summer 2022) Well he passed her in the hall at work and she smiled so he became desperate to know how she felt. He left notes for her and she turned him in to HR. He was put on admin leave and will have to move to another building to keep his job.

So fall 2017 to Spring 2022. Each time he says he never was going to leave the marriage and apparently loved me the whole time. How can this be true?

I've read on Limerent Affairs and it all describes it to a T. We never had a bad marriage. We enjoy being together
. It was easier to be in a fantasy with this woman the deal with parenting our children. We actively worked on our marriage all od these years. It has come to my attention that it almost doesn't matter what I do - durong these years he wasn't honest about his struggle. He wanted someone to listen but wasn't being honest with me or the counselor. (so he never got what he wanted and neither did I) I really dont want a divorce, but I also will no longer be in a marriage that my husband feels the need to escape all the time. He struggles with perfectionism and low self esteem.
It has been very hurtful the time and energy he put into getting to know her and understand her feels crushing. He has ideas of us doing things together that would strengthen our understanding of each other and our bond, but has little to no follow through.

I’m so sorry you had to go through this. Life can be so hard sometimes