I will always love my husband, but my hatred is growing

[Anonymous]

Please pray for our marriage. We have been together a long time. Usually when we have fights we come out stronger and more connected. While this time I was willing to show kindness after and make up and he was too, there were no apologies and my resentment is growing. I am finding him more and more passive agressive. I feel like the close friendship is being chipped away at each time he says one thing and does another or each time he does something hurtful. I don't think he has the inegrity he used to have. I am not liking who he is becoming. I feel like I am the one making the sacrifices or at least if I make a sacrifice it's expected, but when he does, he's a saint.

I don't want my kids to ever go through a divorce of parents. DH is screwed up from his own parent's divorce. I just feel myself disengaging the more disillusioned I get. He has gone from my best friend to a friend and I have zero interest in sex with him until we get some resolution. He can share with me what pisses him off, but when I share something it turns into "ohhhh well I guess I'm just a bad husband." He shows more contept. We are fighting more than we have in a very long time.The good has always far outweighed the bad, but slowly that is shifting and I don't want this to happen.

If the decline continues I'll push harder for marriage counseling.For now I just seem to be lowering my expectations. The problem with the whole marriage counseling thing is he says "ohhhh you are just going to find someone who agrees that I am a bad husband and if the counselor takes my side you won't want to go back." He has a point because if I don't feel heard and understood it will be hard to continue.

I HATE that I am hating him right now. I still want him to be happy and I will always care deeply about him, but I feel my own resentment growing and I feel taken for granted and like I don't have anything more to give. I am feeling less like a team.

He is always the worst over holidays, partly because the in-laws erupt and he has such mixed feelings. He was supposed to help me prepare a special dinner, help me clean and help me with occupying the kids. Instead he just spent his time on the sofa either playing video games, going on the internet or pouting. He got annoyed at me for losing it at the kids when I was exausted from cleaning and prepping and cooking. It's OK if he yells at the kids for doing something dangerous or whatever, but if I do it I am upsetting everyone.

I am really praying this improves because that's all I've got. With each fight I have made concrete changes as a result, but this time I have nothing left to give him. I think he's unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Please provide more specific details so we can understand your issues. [/list][list] It sounds like you are generally dissatisdied with DH, and that you are both disengaging. I recommend counseling ASAP. On the other hand, esp with young children, I think it is normal to go through periods of hating your spouse..... But: is he cheating? Abusing substances? Other addictions or debt? Abusing you? Or just "checked out of the marriage? Look at the spectrum of his behavior, and if he is worth hating, or if there ar eother things you are projecting on to him..... From your description I can't tell enough of the situation...

[Anonymous]

No, no cheating or physical abuse or any of that. in many ways he is a good man. He is a good father overall. He is a good citizen and a hard worker.

This is about boundaries he promised with his emotionally abusive family and he has change his story completely. He now denies his horrible childhood and denies all the times he has relied me for support after their outbursts and he has rewritten history. Now we are supposed to see them as though nothing has happened. He has never once defended me when they have been nasty.

I don't trust him anymore because so many things he was promised with them (he'd stand up to them, ask for apologies, take a time out from them, etc) he has taken back and he won't even admit he flat out lies. He had a traumatic childhood and his siblings are a mess, he hates all his step siblings, and yet he sees no issues with exposing our kids to all the drama. Before I married him we barely saw these people. Once we were married we saw them, but a few years later when we had our first child it became a nightmare. Before the second child he made all sorts of promises and it was all lies.

The whole holiday season has been passive aggressive pouting and resenting me, but denying anything was wrong. He told me he would help with meal prep and cleaning, but pouted instead. I tried doing all sorts of things to soothe him because at first he only admitted work stress. Then finally it all comes spewing out in a nasty fight where he accuses me of all sorts of things. Yes, I am the evil shrew keeping the family from these saints. 99% of the fights we have had have been about inlaws and his inability to stand up for himself or me and his refusal to let me set them straight. The most peaceful time in our marriage was when they stopped talking to him. I don't trust a word he says when it comes to them and once again I am the scapegoat and he won't get help.

I have had all kinds of health issues that have propped up right after his family erupts into chaos (appendix rupture, gallbladder removal, severe migraines, cancer scare, but the lump was benign etc) and he refuses to see any link between them, my stress level rising and me ending up in excrutiating pain.The last time he was annoyed to take me to the hospital and was stunned to find out I needed another surgery. I didn't grow up with this drama and emotional abuse and when I dated him he barely had a relationship with them. Kids came and everything changed. He won't do couple's counseling and all I got from counseling is boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.

There are other things, but nothing divorce worthy. Just push and pull with kid stuff and dealing with special needs issues with one child. Lately I feel like many times when I have bent over backwards for him without a thank you. He only becomes appreciative when he talks to his friend who is going through a divorce, or his other friend who's wife left him or his single-never married and very lonely friends. Then suddenly he sees the things I do and is soooo appreciative and loving.

The happiest I have been since the holiday season started in october was when he went on a work trip for over 2 weeks or when he has met up with friends at their place. My kids exhaust me and I need support, not a 3rd child.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he has been honest with you about his family, but that's a lot of tough stuff to deal with. And now you are pointing the finger at this messed up childhood as the cause of marital discord, so he's getting defensive about it. So sure, he's changing the story.

If he trusts you with the bad stuff, you can't throw it back at him. You have to deal with it in a patient and supportive way, even though it is tough. If he's the type who was abandoned or grew up unable to trust his family, then if you turn this stuff on him he will be very threatened because it will feel like the same abandonment/distrust coming from a different corner.

I don't know the answers, I am going through a similar thing, although with a counselor. But his family is his vulnerability. If he feels caught between you and them, it's not going to go well. He needs to feel that you are his partner in dealing with this stuff.

[Anonymous]

Armchair psychologist here.

It's not you. It's him struggling with his childhood baggage. Children of abuse protect themselves by following the false image projected by their disfunctional families. He's not pouting, he's dealing with a wind storm of emotions, like guilt and anger. He knows his family is a nightmare. Somehow though, it's sewn into the foundation of his psyche that he should remain loyal to them. This appears to be tied to their access to the kids.

He needs to work this stuff out on his own. I would suggest you and he EACH go to a counselor in order to get to a place where this BS can be dislodged from your marriage.

I would also definitely write a letter to Cary Tennis (Since You Asked, Salon). He'd have a whole lot to say.

[Anonymous]

Agree with 4:25: it's not you, it's him. But the health issues that you mention are worrying. This situation is tearing you apart literally. It's dangerous.

As 4:25 suggested, you and DH both need to see therapists, and, I would add: pronto. You can't afford to treat this conflict as anything but an urgent matter - your husband's response to his childhood issues are traumatizing the family, and your response to his response is causing you very serious harm.

Good luck. I hope the new year sees good changes in your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Useless advice if her DH refuses to see a therapist. OP, You know you need to give him an ultimatum. If he would have responded to something else you would not have this problem. Pretend he is an alcoholic. Would you allow him to get drunk periodically and pass out in front of your kids? Would you accept his refusal to seek therapy? Or would you insist that he change his behavior or risk losing you?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I really appreciate all the rational ans well thought out advice on here. I think what has me so distraught is I no longer trust him. He promises things and assures me and is offended when I express concern that his actions won't fit his words, then once again the actions don't fit the words.

Who is Cary Tennis?

I completely agree if he feels caught between us it isn't going well and I think the heart of the matter is just when I am convinced we are a team, he turns me into the oponent.

Re:therapist. I agree. I have been to one. With him my concern is one of 2 things...he's say he is going to shut me up, but won't go or he will share his rewritten story about life. Sometimes at social gatherings he tells complete fabrications about his extended family to make it sound like we are just one big Norman Rockwell paiting.

I also fear when any of them get ill or when their time comes to pass I will be demonized.

I guess I'm feeling the way I sometimes feel raising a child, but the rewards aren't as great. My kids will challenge me, push buttons and do all sorts of things they would never dream of doing to anyone else. They also want all the support to come from me and dad is the one to play around with every now and then. That is fine with me. I truly think parenthood has to be selfless and it is gratifying to see nurture them and see them progress. I expect the relationship to be all give. It's when my marriage turns into me being mommy which is a problem. I know there are phases when it's all about supporting your spouse and not expexcting much in return. That I can handle, but lashing out at me (verbally, not physically) is wearing me down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Armchair psychologist here.

It's not you. It's him struggling with his childhood baggage. Children of abuse protect themselves by following the false image projected by their disfunctional families. He's not pouting, he's dealing with a wind storm of emotions, like guilt and anger. He knows his family is a nightmare. Somehow though, it's sewn into the foundation of his psyche that he should remain loyal to them. This appears to be tied to their access to the kids.

He needs to work this stuff out on his own. I would suggest you and he EACH go to a counselor in order to get to a place where this BS can be dislodged from your marriage.

I would also definitely write a letter to Cary Tennis (Since You Asked, Salon). He'd have a whole lot to say.

OP again, this helped me so much. Every post here has helped, but something about this just gave me a sense of relief. I know this all about children of abuse and have read it many times, yet something about how this is worded just really resonated. Thank you.

Oh and in his mind these days, he is not a victim of emotional abuse (and neglect in childhood or at least what is considered neglect according to law today). He has made me into the abuser and the controlling one and they are the saints. Part of the problem is the cycle ofg abuse. When it's bad, it's so bad, but after the storm comes the beautiful peaceful time and that is what they are doing now and it's addictive for him. He supposedly hates drama, yet I feel like he is creating drama for us and the cycle with us is after he unleashes and I fall apart, things get better. I DO NOT think he is abusive. Heck you should hear some of the things I say back to him when attacked. I just think he has no self awareness about this.

Marriage can be some bumpy sometimes. I must say again I am truly surprised and gratified to see how helpful this thread is. I was expecting someone to come on here and tell me off and so far it hasn't happened.

[Anonymous]

You don't believe in divorce, this sounds crazy but do you believe in separation? Had a friend in a similar situation who could not and would not get divorced but had the husband move out and essentially worked on the marriage with a bit of distance. It worked out well and they reunited.

Agree with previous posters that he is recreating a childhood that he knows. This is the only family he has. I would make sure that you are financially protected.

I also think you need to go back to therapy to get some detachment and peace with whatever happens. I think it's important that you are better able to manage your stress without getting sick.

[Anonymous]

OP here-We don't believe in divorce for us, but no we don't plan to get separated ever. We do plan to get help as a couple. I agree with all of you about recreating the childhood he knows.

Re:make sure I'm financially protected-yes that probably is a good idea. I think I already am, but will look into that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I really appreciate all the rational ans well thought out advice on here. I think what has me so distraught is I no longer trust him. He promises things and assures me and is offended when I express concern that his actions won't fit his words, then once again the actions don't fit the words.

Who is Cary Tennis?

I completely agree if he feels caught between us it isn't going well and I think the heart of the matter is just when I am convinced we are a team, he turns me into the oponent.

Re:therapist. I agree. I have been to one. With him my concern is one of 2 things...he's say he is going to shut me up, but won't go or he will share his rewritten story about life. Sometimes at social gatherings he tells complete fabrications about his extended family to make it sound like we are just one big Norman Rockwell paiting.

I also fear when any of them get ill or when their time comes to pass I will be demonized.

I guess I'm feeling the way I sometimes feel raising a child, but the rewards aren't as great. My kids will challenge me, push buttons and do all sorts of things they would never dream of doing to anyone else. They also want all the support to come from me and dad is the one to play around with every now and then. That is fine with me. I truly think parenthood has to be selfless and it is gratifying to see nurture them and see them progress. I expect the relationship to be all give. It's when my marriage turns into me being mommy which is a problem. I know there are phases when it's all about supporting your spouse and not expexcting much in return. That I can handle, but lashing out at me (verbally, not physically) is wearing me down.

OP, I think you need to at least consult with someone who works with PTSD and child abuse issues. Kris Halstead is very good, she is in Bethesda. If the location doesn't work for you she can give you names. I was in a similar situation and waited too long, you need the right kind of expertise here. Best.

[Anonymous]

I think you need counseling from a clinical psychologist.

[Anonymous]

Exactly how long has it been since you had sex?

[Anonymous]

To 6:35 and 7:12, you do realize that the thread is December 2011, right? Jesus Christ, do you think OP has been waiting by her computer hoping for your brilliant words of advice after nearly 3 years????