Depressed about my kid

[Anonymous]

OP, you are an anxious mess. Why is it surprising that your child is having issues. Your child has a 3.7 at Columbia.

Get a grip. Get therapy. Will you child be the CEO of a fortune 100 company, probably not. Will your child have a good job and make a good life for herself, probably. Will she be happy, I do not know but it seems like she was raised in a high pressure home and is making good decisions despite that so maybe.

Your child is not you. I cannot stress enough how many red flags your post has. In 10 years your child may be posting on a mommy forum with questions about how to grey rock her overbearing mother for whom nothing is ever enough.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP - have you considered whether the stress/pressure from HS to get into the Ivy (and perhaps the striver classmates at the Ivy) has led your DC to find friends that are more low key to preserve their mental health? It sounds like you are only adding to that stress - especially if DC has been at home during the pandemic. Some people strive on stress and achievement but others don't.

Another thing to consider is maturity. Not everyone has maturity to fully take advantage of college opportunities, even if they very bright. I know more than a handful of people who have told the story of slacking (whether that be HS or college) and then woke up to realize their slacking had a consequence. Then...with that maturity, they had the skills from a good education (along with their own intelligence) to take steps to kick into gear and take charge of their future. But the key is that they did it themselves, not because of pressure from parents. And they did something THEY wanted to do, not something defined by someone else.

In the end, you need your DC to be an independent adult who can support themselves and be mentally healthy.

It seems like they are doing just fine academically. It may not be top of class but is not bad either. (And this may just be their level when compared to college classmates vs their HS classmates). And 50 applications sounds like they put in a big effort.

There us much to be learned as a counselor in terms of personal skills and leadership skills. And it's probably a very nice dose of mental health to be outside in the sun with people all day.

If I were you - I think my primary concern here would be whether your child is participating in drug/alcohol use that could eventually lead to addiction issues. I can't tell from your posts whether that's a potential issue.

Try to take a step back and let them grow up without you over their shoulder.

OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair.

OP, if you are that driven and adaptable yourself, how come you are only middle class? Why didn’t you apply your energy to have a better career to provide your child with the connection and safety net that they need?

Because I’m a SAHM who gave my up my career to raise my kid. And because DH and I immigrated to the US when DC was a toddler so we can provide a better life for them. But it’s so disappointing to have an ingrate as a kid who refuses to acknowledge our sacrifices. We literally moved halfway across the world all for this kid, and they refuse to even major in something employable! I’m sure all the white DCUM posters can’t relate, but if you’re an immigrant too, this will deeply resonate with you. My kid has become my biggest fear. I wonder if there’s a way to ignore all the posts from non-immigrants on here.

Your kid didn’t ask you to do this, so “ingrate” seems unfair. And I’ve watched an immigrant kid driven to suicide attempts by parental attitudes like yours — please do both you and your kid a favor by seeking out a mental health professional to work through these powerful emotions. And maybe consider going back to work. It’ll give you more money, something else to focus on, maybe a different vantage point on what constitutes worthwhile employment.

How weak does a kid have to be to become suicidal over parental conflicts? Seems like the kid is the problem, not the parents.

Imagine you’ve been told your whole life that your parents made huge sacrifices for you to go to an elite college and that your whole family (including a sib with long-term disability) depends on your success in a particular field/job search and you’re first-gen in a high-pressure school busting your ass to stay afloat. You don’t go to office hours, or ask for extensions, or seek mental health support when you need help. That would be a sign of weakness or failure. You just put in even more hours working and fewer hours sleeping. You’re actually pretty good at what you do (certainly good enough to get a job after graduation). But you’re at a school and in a department where the curve is vicious. So you have a 3.7. You are a first-gen college student and you watch classmates who seem to have everything under control. Their parents were profs, or went to the same school you’re at now, or they have friends and relatives working in the same field/companies you want to work in. One weekend, after learning you botched a test, you also get the news that none of the three internships you interviewed for came through….

My child is a first-gen college student and they had a private college counselor in high school. Dc is doing great. Don’t make assumptions about people.

I (immediate PP) was a first-gen college student and did great. I’m not making assumptions about people. I’m explaining how OP’s attitudes could lead her kid to the brink of suicide. Based on a true story.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP is the only purpose of college to get a high paying career? Not to be a well educated person? You realize that’s the purpose of Columbia’s Core right?

We are not independently wealthy. The main purpose of college for all but the 1% is to get a stable high paying job after graduation (or get into law school or med school). Frankly, we chose Columbia in spite of the Core — colossal waste of time making my kid take useless classes like Art History or African Lit.

If you really want to make it (top of your field) you need cultural capital, which classes like art history confer. Class distinctions go beyond income.

Boom. +1

Oh please. I took art history one summer at Montgomery Community College None of my rich pals took it at our expensive university. This is really hilarious. Nobody gives a F if you took a course in art history

First of all, I said classes LIKE art history. You're concrete thinking is concerning. Your rich pals already had the cultual capital and all expensive private universities make students take core or liberal arts courses beyond your major. My point is that classes in the Core confer cultural capital. In the upper circles that type of knowledge is important to success. Because you don't seem to understand this I can only assume you may have a high salary and but your SES (mentality, norms, etc) is still working or middle class. Nothing wrong with that but different circles.

[Anonymous]

I love how OP said - We chose Columbia. That says a lot. I’m an immigrant and we are unfortunately paying full but ultimately my kid chose their college. My husband and I gave advice but the final decision was my kid’s to make, not ours.

OP, please give your kid some time to breathe. Sounds like a smart kid. Let them figure it out. Bumps in the road are nerve wracking but totally normal

[Anonymous]

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OP here. I know for a fact that my kid isn’t abusing drugs or alcohol. And guess what— it doesn’t matter if my kid is feeling “stress” or “pressure” and needs to “preserve their mental health” from high school or college. The job market doesn’t wait for you to gather you to stop being stressed. My kid needs to learn to deal with the stress and pressure, push through, and get a good career started. Nothing else matters in college because the point of Columbia is social mobility. And they’re not doing that, which is frustrating beyond belief. They need to be the one that thrives in stressful situations because there’s no other way middle class kids can move up if they can’t deal with that. But clearly they can’t. I feel like I’ve done something very wrong in raising my kid. I’m in despair.

Listen OP. Reliance on a summer internship for a job after college is so middle class. That is what public college kids do. Your son's real leg up in life, other than obviously having Columbia on his resume, will be the other kids knows from Columbia. His social network will be everything. So stop focusing so much on the weeds that you miss the forest. The best thing your son can do is get out there and meet people. Make lots of friends. They all have mommies and daddies at companies and firms, or who own them. This year has been an off year too. I cant imagine offices teaming with interns right now.

Also, I would get to know the rules about withdrawing from courses, like how late he can do it and retake so a bad grade won't stick. Maybe he can retake classes he didn't do well in after grades posted for the year too. Change major? Can he talk to older students who might suggest easier courses to boost his GPA? Frat guys? Part of success in college and beyond is resourcefulness and working it. Get in the solution, not obsessing over the problem.

This is such horseshit. Two of my kids are at elite colleges and all of their rich friends have prestige summer internships. In the age of linked in your resume is fully transparent to everyone.

+1

Internships are super super important (arguably the main point of going to college if you’re not planning on grad school immediately afterwards). If my kid was at an Ivy and didn’t get good internships, I would consider it a total waste of money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are an anxious mess. Why is it surprising that your child is having issues. Your child has a 3.7 at Columbia.

Get a grip. Get therapy. Will you child be the CEO of a fortune 100 company, probably not. Will your child have a good job and make a good life for herself, probably. Will she be happy, I do not know but it seems like she was raised in a high pressure home and is making good decisions despite that so maybe.

Your child is not you. I cannot stress enough how many red flags your post has. In 10 years your child may be posting on a mommy forum with questions about how to grey rock her overbearing mother for whom nothing is ever enough.

Most first gen immigrants tend to be anxious messes….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how OP said - We chose Columbia. That says a lot. I’m an immigrant and we are unfortunately paying full but ultimately my kid chose their college. My husband and I gave advice but the final decision was my kid’s to make, not ours.

OP, please give your kid some time to breathe. Sounds like a smart kid. Let them figure it out. Bumps in the road are nerve wracking but totally normal

OP here. DC also was thrilled to go to Columbia (which is why it’s so sad seeing them tank). First choice out of all the accepted schools. And to those of you saying I’m a fake troll…. I wish.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't hire an IVY grad with a low GPA no matter which top Ivy they graduated from. That's a red flag that the couldn't care less and didn't put effort into the college work. There are so many other graduates to choose from--Ivy and non-Ivys--why should I take a chance on a low performing grad?

Do you really ask for transcripts from colleges of your hires??? Where do you work?

Have been working 30 years and have never once asked for, nor been asked for, a GPA or transcript during the hiring process.

OP here. Most of the 50 internships DC applied to required him to submit a transcript, his GPA, and (for some) SAT scores.

My son interned for JP Morgan Chase research investment division with a 2.1 GPA from Penn State as a D1 golfer. The hiring manager didn’t care about his GPA.

Different standards for athletes.

How so?

Duh, the intern candidate plays golf. That's a perfect venue to meet potential clients for the firm.

So basically grade is essentially useless if you have something to bring to the table?

Yup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how OP said - We chose Columbia. That says a lot. I’m an immigrant and we are unfortunately paying full but ultimately my kid chose their college. My husband and I gave advice but the final decision was my kid’s to make, not ours.

OP, please give your kid some time to breathe. Sounds like a smart kid. Let them figure it out. Bumps in the road are nerve wracking but totally normal

OP here. DC also was thrilled to go to Columbia (which is why it’s so sad seeing them tank). First choice out of all the accepted schools. And to those of you saying I’m a fake troll…. I wish.

Hold on, I didn't wade through all the pages of crazy.
A kid with a 3.7 is considered to be "tanking?"
They are not tanking, they may be taking some time to figure out who they are without a neurotic and overbearing parent harping over them 24x7.
Give them some space and encouragement, not constant judgement and haranguing.

[Anonymous]

My kid went to a public magnet with a high percentage of Asian-American kids with immigrant parents. I'd like to think the OP is a troll, but she may not be.

The OP's kid is doing just fine. It may take a year or two for her to figure out the course of life, but long term, the outlook is good.

My kid went to a different Ivy. The kid with the least employable major was the first to get a great job. It was a fluke, but the kid was in the right place to benefit. Job was for a limited one year period. During that year, kid made a connection that lead to the next job.

if she’s paying for college, it’s perfectly reasonable to demand a certain GPA and an employable major.

It is not reasonable to demand a gpa above a 3.7. As for major, very few Columbia College majors are "employable" in the usual sense of that word. You can't major in nursing or accounting. Lots of STEM majors, especially biology, are less employable than philosophy.

[Anonymous]

This woman is mentally ill. I wish people would stop engaging her. She takes up this rant again and again, over time, with different headings.

Her poor poor child has endured abuses in multiple forms. I hope she finds a way to escape her parents in the very near future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid went to a public magnet with a high percentage of Asian-American kids with immigrant parents. I'd like to think the OP is a troll, but she may not be.

The OP's kid is doing just fine. It may take a year or two for her to figure out the course of life, but long term, the outlook is good.

My kid went to a different Ivy. The kid with the least employable major was the first to get a great job. It was a fluke, but the kid was in the right place to benefit. Job was for a limited one year period. During that year, kid made a connection that lead to the next job.

if she’s paying for college, it’s perfectly reasonable to demand a certain GPA and an employable major.

It is not reasonable to demand a gpa above a 3.7. As for major, very few Columbia College majors are "employable" in the usual sense of that word. You can't major in nursing or accounting. Lots of STEM majors, especially biology, are less employable than philosophy.

But bio majors can go to med school.

[Anonymous]

And the rest can go to law school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This woman is mentally ill. I wish people would stop engaging her. She takes up this rant again and again, over time, with different headings.

Her poor poor child has endured abuses in multiple forms. I hope she finds a way to escape her parents in the very near future.

Yes, I recognize the style, too. I just don’t believe the kid exists, everything about OP’s responses seems like making it up as she goes. I don’t think it’s mental illness just an obnoxious world view with no natural outlet. I do believe OP’s an immigrant, ivy obsessed is enough to confirm that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid went to a public magnet with a high percentage of Asian-American kids with immigrant parents. I'd like to think the OP is a troll, but she may not be.

The OP's kid is doing just fine. It may take a year or two for her to figure out the course of life, but long term, the outlook is good.

My kid went to a different Ivy. The kid with the least employable major was the first to get a great job. It was a fluke, but the kid was in the right place to benefit. Job was for a limited one year period. During that year, kid made a connection that lead to the next job.

if she’s paying for college, it’s perfectly reasonable to demand a certain GPA and an employable major.

It is not reasonable to demand a gpa above a 3.7. As for major, very few Columbia College majors are "employable" in the usual sense of that word. You can't major in nursing or accounting. Lots of STEM majors, especially biology, are less employable than philosophy.

NP here. I think it is. Humanities majors should have 3.8+, but I wouldn’t worry if I were OP—GPAs almost always go up the last two years of college.