Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be interesting to see a survey to determine what % of the population sees cheating as always wrong no matter what vs. those who aren't surprised and accept to some degree that cheating is going to happen if one spouse cuts the other one off from sex and intimacy. My guess is the extremes on this board are not representative of widespread opinion.

I know lots of cheating men. Every single one of those is in a sexless marriage. These men would not be cheating otherwise.
Most men are opposed to cheating, but most men exclude sexless marriage as a separate category that is not cheating but necessary to avoid divorce.

This is whacked. I know many divorced women who were sleeping with their DHs who were having affairs. Also, if it’s just about sex then why are some of these affairs long term and involve emotional attachments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To “Mrs. What if this happened to your daughter, lady?”

It can’t happen to my daughter because she has an IQ above 3 which means she understands what happens if she stops having sex. My daughter has also been raised with enough common sense and gratuitude that she would send her husband’s AP a nice gift every year on their wedding anniversary as a Thank You for preventing divorce and allowing happiness in their marriage.

Sorry to hear about YOUR daughter.

You make yourself sound worse with every post you write. Your disdain for women is clear. Women’s IQ is tied to their desire to have sex with their spouse, a daughter’s role is to serve her husband in bed, a son is owed sex by his spouse no matter what. APs deserve gifts from spouses for “saving” marriages. Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for anyone else’s kids, as your own are bound to need therapy to counteract your influence.

The Low IQ problem has nothing to do with a woman's desire for sex. Low IQ is when, in the absence of sexual desire, the woman thinks her husband will remain faithful.
A husband is NOT owed sex. Neither is a wife owed fidelity. These are directly related. You can't have one without the other. This is the entire point.

Yes, in a sexless marriage, the sexless rejecting spouse owes gratitude for the AP who enables marriage to continue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It would be interesting to see a survey to determine what % of the population sees cheating as always wrong no matter what vs. those who aren't surprised and accept to some degree that cheating is going to happen if one spouse cuts the other one off from sex and intimacy. My guess is the extremes on this board are not representative of widespread opinion.

I know lots of cheating men. Every single one of those is in a sexless marriage. These men would not be cheating otherwise.
Most men are opposed to cheating, but most men exclude sexless marriage as a separate category that is not cheating but necessary to avoid divorce.

This is whacked. I know many divorced women who were sleeping with their DHs who were having affairs. Also, if it’s just about sex then why are some of these affairs long term and involve emotional attachments.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People cheat because they can. We want to figure it out and reason it out and try to rationalize it and make it make sense: they cheat, because they can. It is that simple.

Thanks for the insight, but lots of people have the opportunity to cheat but don't, so this doesn't really hold up. Everyone who cheats "can," but not everyone who "can" cheats.

So true. Cheaters always want to pretend they "couldn't" stop themselves (like nobody would be able to) or they just stumbled into an opportunity. Neither is really true. It's just what they tell themselves to make themselves feel better. It's that mentality -- the ability to tell oneself a self-justifying story regardless of the actual reality of a situation -- that makes cheaters cheat.

After I found out about DH's cheating and confronted him, he was desperate to keep our relationship. He agreed to therapy and went with and without me. I went away for the summer to work and several perfect opportunities to cheat. He never would have found out.

I decided that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be. I would have been justified in cheating since DH had. I knew our relationship likely wouldn't survive because I knew DH didn't have it in him to be the kind of person that doesn't cheat. I like sex a lot, so having an affair was very tempting because the cheating made what was formerly great frequent sex with DH feel gross. But, I'm not the kind of person who lies and hides and has a secret life. I'm also the kind of person who has some self-restraint. So, I didn't cheat. It is as simple as that. I have control over my body and emotions. I made a decision. I stuck with it.

Despite giving DH about 2 years to pull his shit together, he never did. But, I never cheated on him, despite numerous opportunities.

Same story here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was a wayward wife and can only speak to my experience. It was a gradual thing...I kept moving the goalposts and then justifying things in my head to make my choices okay. I would rewrite current and past history to make my actions fit my own narrative I created. Of course I knew what I was doing was wrong...but my brain did mental gymnastics in order to make everything "okay." I didn't want to divorce, and I convinced myself that I deserved something "extra". At first that extra was just talking online but then I found someone I "connected" with and again I created a narrative in my head that we were soul mates. Which led to meetings and PA. It's mind-boggling to me now the things I told myself to make my choices okay, because they were not. They were selfish and self-centered and hurtful and I regret each one.

I am telling your husband next week. If you are the one that was just doing this with my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok

Not all of them do. Narcissistic sociopaths don't.

Others find a way to rationalize it, usually by blaming their SO. Often involves revising the past such that their SO was "bad" and therefore deserves to be cheated on.

+1

Married to a charming narcissistic sociopath that would psychologically torment his AP by telling her how smart, successful and intelligent i was. He even sent photos of me to her. He thought that should make it ok. That he was committed to the marriage and proud of me. We were still having sex 3-4 times per week.

Yeah. Didn’t work for me. But, it’s chilling how they can compartmentalize and lie so seamlessly.

[Anonymous]

Narcissists will always blame everyone else and never take any responsibility.

They will cheat and blame the partner and feel justified in cheating rather than understanding or admitting that their actions are wrong.

Their mindset is to twist everything. This is why they don't have any empathy for anyone else it's all about their wants and their needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To “Mrs. What if this happened to your daughter, lady?”

It can’t happen to my daughter because she has an IQ above 3 which means she understands what happens if she stops having sex. My daughter has also been raised with enough common sense and gratuitude that she would send her husband’s AP a nice gift every year on their wedding anniversary as a Thank You for preventing divorce and allowing happiness in their marriage.

Sorry to hear about YOUR daughter.

You make yourself sound worse with every post you write. Your disdain for women is clear. Women’s IQ is tied to their desire to have sex with their spouse, a daughter’s role is to serve her husband in bed, a son is owed sex by his spouse no matter what. APs deserve gifts from spouses for “saving” marriages. Don’t waste your time feeling sorry for anyone else’s kids, as your own are bound to need therapy to counteract your influence.

I think this post refers to both the 4/23 22:09 poster and the above poster (I assume they're different).

So I'm the what if this happens to your daughter lady who used to post this in previous threads (I haven't posted that on this thread so far). Clearly, more than 1 woman is concerned abut these types of attitudes and actions on their daughter (and son).

When you rationalize your actions, please go read that other thread on how many wives were surprised by their husband's cheating. Go read blogs where wives who have been cheated on post about how painful all of this discovery is for them. If this doesn't move you, nothing will and in that case I hope I don't have someone close to me in my orbit like you.

Please, no insulting women and telling them their IQ is 3 if they don't know that men will stray if there is sexless period. You don't know anything about my daughter so please don't speak of her. You suck for doing that. This is the lowest that I've seen in terms of what is posted.

You can do as you wish with your daughter (and BTW your son). I don't plan to teach my daughter to expect so little of men and teach them that men will cheat (regardless of sex) since it's biology. I don't plan to teach my daughter that she should accept men treating her like a child because a man knows what's best for his wife and kids and that includes lying/cheating. I want my daughter to expect more from herself and from her partner. I've been fortunate in the type of men I've had in my life and so I expect more. Men have been a positive force in my life and so what I hear on here seems antithetical to what I see.

You do you but you need to take care of your anger and your attitude toward women. It's horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

that they obviously know that sex outside of their relationship is not ok

Not all of them do. Narcissistic sociopaths don't.

Others find a way to rationalize it, usually by blaming their SO. Often involves revising the past such that their SO was "bad" and therefore deserves to be cheated on.

+1

Married to a charming narcissistic sociopath that would psychologically torment his AP by telling her how smart, successful and intelligent i was. He even sent photos of me to her. He thought that should make it ok. That he was committed to the marriage and proud of me. We were still having sex 3-4 times per week.

Yeah. Didn’t work for me. But, it’s chilling how they can compartmentalize and lie so seamlessly.

Ashley Madison. A whore and my whore husband just crashed my family by their sicko affair. I was still having sex with my husband 3-4 times per week. I have to go get tested for stds now.

This was the whore’s 2nd affair. My husband’s first. It lasted 3 years. I stumbled on a stupid mistake he made. My kids are going to suffer so much from this.

I am telling this whore’s husband. She would screw mine in her husband’s bed— about 3 times per month, meet for coffee. I found out my husband is a narcissist sociopath after 22 years.

They have wrecked 3 families between them. My family has zero divorces down either side. I will be the first to be divorced.

It is the most cowardly selfish vile thing for married people to do. Just leave.

They will rot in hell.

[Anonymous]

I have long been struck by the fact that serial cheaters I have had as clients (mostly men) are usually married to beautiful women. Often these women are also accomplished and very bright. These addicts are not looking for something better and in fact often cheat with someone less attractive and less desirable than their spouse. As one addict put it: “I married a 10 and I cheated with 2s”.

[Anonymous]

• Some cheaters feel intimidated by their spouse. This is not anything the spouse is doing, the addict simply feels inadequate and seeks out a sexual connection of some sort with an inferior companion. This could be an affair partner who is less attractive, has fewer resources or has a lot of problems. Or it could simply be a commercial sex worker or a casual hook-up of one sort or another who is non-threatening. Any of these kinds of cheating can serve to temporarily make the addict feel more powerful and less insecure. Instead of wondering if he is good enough, the addict who cheats gets to feel like a big shot. In some cases the cheating is also an expression of resentments against their spouse whom they see as too powerful. These addicts may carry on long term liaisons which seem to defy understanding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have long been struck by the fact that serial cheaters I have had as clients (mostly men) are usually married to beautiful women. Often these women are also accomplished and very bright. These addicts are not looking for something better and in fact often cheat with someone less attractive and less desirable than their spouse. As one addict put it: “I married a 10 and I cheated with 2s”.

Yes!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have long been struck by the fact that serial cheaters I have had as clients (mostly men) are usually married to beautiful women. Often these women are also accomplished and very bright. These addicts are not looking for something better and in fact often cheat with someone less attractive and less desirable than their spouse. As one addict put it: “I married a 10 and I cheated with 2s”.

I am married to a beautiful woman who stopped wanting sex or any physical touch. It's not that uncommon. Look at the thread of what would people be surprised at in your marriage. Many people describe themselves and their spouses as attractive and sexless.

There's no one size fits all, so the mindset is individual

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have long been struck by the fact that serial cheaters I have had as clients (mostly men) are usually married to beautiful women. Often these women are also accomplished and very bright. These addicts are not looking for something better and in fact often cheat with someone less attractive and less desirable than their spouse. As one addict put it: “I married a 10 and I cheated with 2s”.

Yes!

A wife’s attractiveness is completely unrelated to cheating.
The only variable that matters is the sexual fulfillment within the marriage.
Simple formula that is 99% accurate: men who are sexually fulfilled don’t cheat. Men who are not sexually fulfilled get that elsewhere.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have long been struck by the fact that serial cheaters I have had as clients (mostly men) are usually married to beautiful women. Often these women are also accomplished and very bright. These addicts are not looking for something better and in fact often cheat with someone less attractive and less desirable than their spouse. As one addict put it: “I married a 10 and I cheated with 2s”.

2s are easy pickins’ for 8-10s.