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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again. “Operate as a family” means spending a weekend of spring break together—as an example.  Again, not crashing their entire spring break but being able to join them for the last weekend and do Easter with them.  Also, I’ve met the rest of my boyfriends family and everyone is very welcoming. They want me there. It wasn’t my idea.[/quote]

Can't you understand that a weekend with you and your younger children is not very appealing to her?  She doesn't want to share her already reduced time with her father!  Get a clue.[/quote]

Op here. Spring break would be just ME. Again, no one is intermingling our kids. [/quote]

But you want to intermingle eventually, and she knows it.  She has a better grasp of this situation than you do, and she doesn't want to give you an inch because you'll take a mile.[/quote]

Ok. So she wins. Her dad and I can break up. Is that what you’re suggesting? Or do we stay in some sort of relationship limbo?[/quote]

Yes, I think those are the choices: Breaking up or “limbo” as you put it. Which brings us back to the question you are avoiding: What does HE want in the relationship? It sounds like you have grown impatient with status quo. He may be perfectly fine with it. You are pushing for something “more” and the daughter senses it and doesn’t like it.

You may THINK you are being respectful and may intend that. But your actions may send a different signal.[/quote]

OP here---HE wants to move forward because HE is tired of always being away from his house. HE wants me to come over more often because HE doesn't always want to be away from his community, his home and his chores.  HE wants to be able to spend time with me and his children. He is tired of living the separate worlds we have been living so HE wants to move forward also.  So that's what he wants.  Again, we have been dating for 4 years. This has been well thought out--or so we thought. HE doesn't want her to be unhappy but HE is also upset and aghast that she's behaving this way. SO IS HER MOM.    So you guys can pile it on me all you want but I will pick and chose between your advice. I very much understand this isn't ideal and I get that you dont get ideal with blended families.  My younger kids very much also prefer their time alone with me (because their dad remarried a woman with lots of kids) and I respect their wishes. SO BOTH MY BF and I very much have our respective homes and lives but we also would like to inch this forward.  His other kids and my kids do their best to tolerate it, even enjoy it.  His older son (senior) has a very "IDGAF" attitude but he's always polite and doesn't run away in a huff.   [/quote]

Wow.  Your boyfriend is all about what he wants.  You are all about what you want. You two are perfect for each other.  I feel sorry for the girl whom everyone wants to force into a relationship she has clearly expressed she has no interest in participating in.

Speaking of forcing into relationships - there is a principle of consent at play here.  The girl has expressed that she doesn’t fee comfortable around you. She has said, “No” but neither you nor Dad are listening to her. You are too busy explaining why she should accept you, how she should behave in the way you consider polite, how she is a drama queen, how she misunderstands who is at fault in the divorce and whether she is depressed. BF is too busy focusing on how he wants his life to be.  Neither of you respect the “No”.  You two are not that different than a creepy guy who keeps asking for a date and explaining why the girl shouldn’t say no. [/quote]

OP here--ok, let's go with respecting her "no".  What now? Do we break up?   Everyone says wait until you're dead serious to meet the kids, we did.  But at this point, i wish i knew there would be an issue before we were so invested [/quote]

I think you both have a choice -- do each of you want to continue the relationship as it is but minus being involved in each other's family life?  (Or at least you in his.)  I am still unclear exactly how much time he does not have his kids -- but it sounds like it is at least 30% of the time.  That's seeing each other 2-3 times a week.  For a couple who already has kids with other partners and other responsibilities like jobs, friends and extended family, that seems like a good amount.

Or, either one of you can decide that you aren't interested in having a relationship if you can't be part of their family.  Then, you break up.

You have no ability to force her to like you or to welcome a relationship with you.  You can try push her, in which case you and the father run the risk of alienating her.  Or you can simply wait until she is at college, and when she is not in the house as much, you will be able to increase the time you spend together.

This is the reality of second families -- you can't make people like or accept you into their family.  [/quote]

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