Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

[Anonymous]

What parts don't add up? Maybe I could help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was more beautiful than the DW.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and it is not everything. When someone is willing to listen to you and provide comfort and support, that person becomes a focal point and it is difficult to not feel an attraction. In fact, I once read that one of the main reasons men utilize high-priced call girls is that they want someone to talk to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another anecdote, but that was one thing that really bugged me about the woman my husband had a mini-affair with (it happened over a week while he was on a trip). She was older, thin but sort of haggard looking. Not intelligent or funny. and her life was (and continues to be) a total mess. Her husband has cheated on her for years and she just always seemed to be a complete emotional disaster. We knew her socially for a couple of years before and always marveled over her train wreck stories. And then my husband slept with her. So weird.

Not weird at all. Men want to feel that they are going to take a woman away from all her problems and be a knight in shining armour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Actually I was much more pleasant. I was really happy all the time and was able to spend a lot of energy on my children. I was basically living on a cloud and everything just felt fun. Not so much after it ended though. I was in a lot of pain/guilt etc. It's only starting to get better now.

Were you coworkers? Do you still have to see each other at work? Did you meet secretly or did it never get that far?

It sounds like you were trying to fill an emotional void in your marriage with the affair. But r or no?

Also sounds like you and his wife were friends, do you run into each other now ever? That was my big fear after it al came out. Seeing her somewhere.

There is still more info I want from my dh and a few things that don't fully add up, though overall I believe him. But once things started getting good with us I stopped asking. Just want to move forward. So forums like this are nice.

We were/sort of are coworkers. I was transferred out to Reston before we were found out. Actually that's probably part of how we were found out bc we had to email so much more since we didn't see each other during the day anymore. Even though we're part of the same company it is unlikely we will cross paths through work.

We did go out secretly. We even traveled once together.

I was friends with the wife. I feel more guilt towards her than I do my DH. I was really angry at him for awhile for not noticing and just not making an effort for so many years. I was asking him to go to counseling for 5 years.

I got a lot of emotional support/validation from the OM. But obviously it wasn't real.

I worry about running into her but it's not likely though could happen. I just wouldn't know what to say.

Thanks. Your EA sounds very similar to my DH's but there are some glaring difference as well, namely, the OW didn't love her DH and in fact they are likely divorcing. She also openly dated someone else during the EA, toward the end as things were cooling off with my DH. So I'm not sure she has the same level of self-reflection as you, seems she is just bouncing from one thing to another and I'm not sure she was all that into my DH. Otherwise she seems like a nice, sane person, which is why I was so shocked when all this came out.

Question: if you were your OM's DW, would you take him back? EAs are so messy but I think a lot of them are unintentional (not justifying it but I can understand to some degree how they happened). I have forgiven my DH but for a while, I thought, maybe it's not worth all this. I'm glad I stuck it out though it's been so hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I am not sure about the whole husbands looking for a mess because it makes them feel powerful. I think it's more like smelling out someone who is sad and lonely and will take them up on it. That sad person is just as likely to e hot as not, but of course, wives who have been cheated on will dispute this and husbands who have btdt will say their wives are soooooi much more attractive. Very reliable, right.

What do you mean reliable? In an EA the wife often knows the OW, as she is often a co-worker or mutual friend. Was in my case. I could see a one night stand or fling, having to believe the husband when he says "she is not as attractive as you honey" but for many of us, we actually know the woman and can vouch for her attractiveness. In fact that is why it got so far with my DH, I just blindly trusted the whole thing because the woman is just so not his type and was not the woman you think your husband will risk everything for. In his case it wasn't about looks but the way she made him feel when he was at a very low point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I am not sure about the whole husbands looking for a mess because it makes them feel powerful. I think it's more like smelling out someone who is sad and lonely and will take them up on it. That sad person is just as likely to e hot as not, but of course, wives who have been cheated on will dispute this and husbands who have btdt will say their wives are soooooi much more attractive. Very reliable, right.

What do you mean reliable? In an EA the wife often knows the OW, as she is often a co-worker or mutual friend. Was in my case. I could see a one night stand or fling, having to believe the husband when he says "she is not as attractive as you honey" but for many of us, we actually know the woman and can vouch for her attractiveness. In fact that is why it got so far with my DH, I just blindly trusted the whole thing because the woman is just so not his type and was not the woman you think your husband will risk everything for. In his case it wasn't about looks but the way she made him feel when he was at a very low point.

As a DH I can tell you looks count for so much less than you think. Show me someone who is a good listener, supportive, and has empathy and I will show you someone who is affair material. The OW makes the man feel important and worthwhile, period. We are not looking for a supermodel to do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I am not sure about the whole husbands looking for a mess because it makes them feel powerful. I think it's more like smelling out someone who is sad and lonely and will take them up on it. That sad person is just as likely to e hot as not, but of course, wives who have been cheated on will dispute this and husbands who have btdt will say their wives are soooooi much more attractive. Very reliable, right.

What do you mean reliable? In an EA the wife often knows the OW, as she is often a co-worker or mutual friend. Was in my case. I could see a one night stand or fling, having to believe the husband when he says "she is not as attractive as you honey" but for many of us, we actually know the woman and can vouch for her attractiveness. In fact that is why it got so far with my DH, I just blindly trusted the whole thing because the woman is just so not his type and was not the woman you think your husband will risk everything for. In his case it wasn't about looks but the way she made him feel when he was at a very low point.

As a DH I can tell you looks count for so much less than you think. Show me someone who is a good listener, supportive, and has empathy and I will show you someone who is affair material. The OW makes the man feel important and worthwhile, period. We are not looking for a supermodel to do that.

Exactly my point. It's not about looks. But I can tell you as a wife it certainly offered at least a small amount of comfort knowing she was not that attractive! I know, petty. But really, the point is, it's about HIM, the DH, not about her. In my DH's case anyway, he totally admitted that. I got to the point where I was not really jealous of her any more because I realized the relationship was built on selfishness. He was mainly taking from her, and she him, they weren't giving each other much of anything real. It was a fantasy. Was a small comfort to me, during a hard time, anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What parts don't add up? Maybe I could help.

I don't think he was completely truthful about his extent of his feelings for her. And maybe that's okay, since feelings fade, and love is about actions, day after day. Does it really matter if he felt one way about her for a year? He would have felt differently about her if they had pursued a relationship in the real world. Relationships are hard, especially at our stage of life, with kids and growing careers, financial realities, aging parents, and so forth. And I can tell already his feelings have changed, since he chose us over them. So maybe it doesn't matter.

Also, there were times he would run errands at night, and while I believe they did not get physical, wondering if he talked to her during those errands (he actually would come back with stuff, so pretty sure he was actually running the errands). He claims they never talked feelings, sex, etc., and I'm not sure if I believe him.

And I'm not sure I believe the extent of the relationship, in that even though it wasn't physical, maybe they got together more than he said, met for a drink or went on a run or whatever. That type of thing. There are times that are unaccounted for.

[Anonymous]

To 17:41...too much to quote.

It was unintentional at first but then it just escalated and then it was intentional. Yes. I would take him back especially since he chose her/you. Especially if it didn't get physical. I know that's how I justified it in my head, but I think if it's not physical then there really was a void he was trying to fill but he wasn't looKing to replace you.

Honestly I never thought I'd be "that" person, but here I am. So maybe he isn't Really "that" person but it was just a rough time with poor decisions. I hope you can find peace with it.

[Anonymous]

Just curious... If they didn't talk feelings/sex etc what makes you feel that it was an EA instead of a crush or something less serious. Maybe it was on it's way to an EA but not there yet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just curious... If they didn't talk feelings/sex etc what makes you feel that it was an EA instead of a crush or something less serious. Maybe it was on it's way to an EA but not there yet?

I have no idea what it was. I know it caused harm, in that it created distance and secrecy. He kept stuff from me and told stuff to her. So that's not great. I'm not caught up in semantics, just wish it hadn't happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To 17:41...too much to quote.

It was unintentional at first but then it just escalated and then it was intentional. Yes. I would take him back especially since he chose her/you. Especially if it didn't get physical. I know that's how I justified it in my head, but I think if it's not physical then there really was a void he was trying to fill but he wasn't looKing to replace you.

Honestly I never thought I'd be "that" person, but here I am. So maybe he isn't Really "that" person but it was just a rough time with poor decisions. I hope you can find peace with it.

Thanks. I'm getting there, slowly but surely. I hope you can too and I hope stuff continues to improve with your DH.

[Anonymous]

And do what. If fuck him out of spite if you pulled that crap. She owes you diddly squat. He's the one who made a commitment to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And do what. If fuck him out of spite if you pulled that crap. She owes you diddly squat. He's the one who made a commitment to you.

If should be I'd.
In addition if she has a bf how much of an affair is she having with your "dh"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmmmm. I am not sure about the whole husbands looking for a mess because it makes them feel powerful. I think it's more like smelling out someone who is sad and lonely and will take them up on it. That sad person is just as likely to e hot as not, but of course, wives who have been cheated on will dispute this and husbands who have btdt will say their wives are soooooi much more attractive. Very reliable, right.

What do you mean reliable? In an EA the wife often knows the OW, as she is often a co-worker or mutual friend. Was in my case. I could see a one night stand or fling, having to believe the husband when he says "she is not as attractive as you honey" but for many of us, we actually know the woman and can vouch for her attractiveness. In fact that is why it got so far with my DH, I just blindly trusted the whole thing because the woman is just so not his type and was not the woman you think your husband will risk everything for. In his case it wasn't about looks but the way she made him feel when he was at a very low point.

This. The women here who have posted that they are better looking than the OW actually know the OW. Of course no one would believe a cheating husband who says his wife is hotter. But these are women who are just objectively saying that the OW wasnt that hot.