Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:double barreled names are so tiresome especially when doing paperwork. If you have a different name from your children you are also forever questioned by authorities when traveling. Just break up, let this man find someone else to marry.

Double barrelled names only add two extra seconds to the paperwork. Stop being so lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tell him you’re keeping your own name and the kids that come out of your body will also have your name. (This is very normal these days.) He’s welcome to join if he wants consistency.

I already told him that and he didn't like it. He found the proposal offensive.

Love love love.

I wish I had done this. I caved to make him happy just like I caved on our wedding, where we lived, where we traveled. 20 years later, I grew a set of balls and right before our children graduated from high school, I changed their names (double barrel) and took my name back (court order with kids agreement). No big deal. Their high school and college diploma now have both names. It took 20 years of me being disrespected for me to decide to respect myself.

In retrospect, it was a red flag with sirens — Not that he didn’t want to change his name but that he was insistent that I had to change mine and kids could only have his. I made more money, had more net worth, had a better career and he was always threatened by me so he was constantly controlling me. He’s gone now and no regrets here. But this was in the dark ages. Young people should not put up with aholes like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Burden how?

Bubbling in all those letters on the SAT, not being able to complete it on written forms (running out of boxes), which can lead to inconsistency across documents, what to do when they themselves get married...
No dog in this fight, but I knew I didnt want to hyphenate for this reason.
Almost all of the moms in my neighborhood kept their names, and most of the kids have dad's last name (one hyphenates but they have short names)

Omg. You are 100 years old. The SAT is on the computer.

We are not talking about the middle-aged baby boomer moms in your neighborhood who don’t hyphenate. We are talking about people getting mated in 2026 — people who weren’t even born yet when you got married.

No one hyphenates — that’s a 90s thing (e.g. “Jolie-Pitt” and their oldest is 25). You just use both names (Jolie Pitt). It’s much less complicated as it’s two names so just like the Spanish population, you can drop the second one. Just put the woman’s first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Burden how?

Bubbling in all those letters on the SAT, not being able to complete it on written forms (running out of boxes), which can lead to inconsistency across documents, what to do when they themselves get married...
No dog in this fight, but I knew I didnt want to hyphenate for this reason.
Almost all of the moms in my neighborhood kept their names, and most of the kids have dad's last name (one hyphenates but they have short names)

Omg. You are 100 years old. The SAT is on the computer.

We are not talking about the middle-aged baby boomer moms in your neighborhood who don’t hyphenate. We are talking about people getting mated in 2026 — people who weren’t even born yet when you got married.

No one hyphenates — that’s a 90s thing (e.g. “Jolie-Pitt” and their oldest is 25). You just use both names (Jolie Pitt). It’s much less complicated as it’s two names so just like the Spanish population, you can drop the second one. Just put the woman’s first.

DP

Imagine you're taking an admissions test designed to measure academic preparedness and you can't manage to enter hyphenated words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is probably a troll, but I had a coworker ask me that same question.

A coworker who had been married and divorced twice and changed her name each time. Each of her kids had a different last name from her.

So I told her it wouldn't be any problem for my potential kids to have my dhs last name and for me to keep mone, because most of the kids in the class would be from broken homes like hers. She shut up and never asked me about it again.

why would you assume that?

DP. This board has been taken over by conservative women-hating trolls and this is a perfect topic to bring them out. Don't think real unmarried women look to a DC mommy blog for advice as opposed to the myriad sites with people closer to her age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is probably a troll, but I had a coworker ask me that same question.

A coworker who had been married and divorced twice and changed her name each time. Each of her kids had a different last name from her.

So I told her it wouldn't be any problem for my potential kids to have my dhs last name and for me to keep mone, because most of the kids in the class would be from broken homes like hers. She shut up and never asked me about it again.

why would you assume that?

DP. This board has been taken over by conservative women-hating trolls and this is a perfect topic to bring them out. Don't think real unmarried women look to a DC mommy blog for advice as opposed to the myriad sites with people closer to her age.

You do have a point there....

[Anonymous]

This is obviously not a communication problem. If you proposed several solutions and the only thing he can accept is for everyone to have his last name then not much can be done. You gotta decide whether you accept his name or whether you move on.

[Anonymous]

so do you use the em dash or the hyphen, watch the autocorrect reak havoc as systems won't be able to chose between. Not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

Make your own family name for your new family. If you are Jill Obama and he Bill Trump, become Jill Trumama and Bill Trumama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so do you use the em dash or the hyphen, watch the autocorrect reak havoc as systems won't be able to chose between. Not worth it.

Oh ffs you are insuferable. Please learn how to write, spell and punctuate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so do you use the em dash or the hyphen, watch the autocorrect reak havoc as systems won't be able to chose between. Not worth it.

Oh ffs you are insuferable. Please learn how to write, spell and punctuate.

Typos in a forum post do not change the point.

The issue is not whether I personally typed perfectly. The issue is that names with hyphens, spaces, apostrophes, multiple surnames, or special characters are handled inconsistently across real systems. Airline tickets, boarding passes, TSA, passports, school records, insurance, banks, HR systems, medical portals, background checks, and government forms often do not format names the same way.

Sometimes the hyphen is dropped. Sometimes the names are merged. Sometimes one part is treated as a middle name. Sometimes the name is truncated. Sometimes the boarding pass or profile does not match the ID cleanly.

That is the practical point. Attacking spelling does not refute it.

[Anonymous]

Write your, his and hyphened names on cards and do a lucky draw.

[Anonymous]

Start a new tradition and have no last names in your new family.

[Anonymous]

Are you also into gender norms? Did you want an engagement ring? Does he pick up the bill more often? Doe he buy you flowers?

If you like gender norms traditions when they benefit you, then you have to accept ones that matter to him too.

[Anonymous]

As you also kept your dad’s last name, didn’t take your mom’s or hyphened it, this isn’t an issue of matriarchal vs patriarchal.