Reply to Failure to Launch Daughter Is Unemployed and Blaming Me for All of Her Problems

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP and I’m gonna say that struggling with a “difficult child” who is “entitled” is real. As is the sheer frustration of feeling like you’ve sacrificed and worked very hard to give every possible advantage to a child who has not utilized that privilege to lift off into adult independence and self sufficiency.

But OP, I say this with good intentions…your DD probably has some kind of undiagnosed mental health disorder that she has likely  struggled with her whole life. Her “unlikability” is probably not just your opinion but a symptom of BPD.

You probably think she is just an entitled ungrateful brat. At least, that’s what you have conveyed. And her being overweight bothers you, which you’ve made clear multiple times here—and probably to her—but framing it as concern for her health isn’t really fooling anyone.

You seem to be a religious family, so I strongly recommend that you read a book called “The Blessing” so that you can understand how your approval of your son and disapproval of your daughter has forever impacted family dynamics. He is “easier to love” and you have treated him as such and they both know it.

Most of this thread thinks you’re a horrible parent (based on your own tone and choice of words), and I get that it’s easy for us to say that bc we don’t know your DD nor do we interact with her ir experience the frustrations that some of her behaviors might cause.
But you are her mom. It’s time to abandon the tough love stance and address the underlying issues through counseling. For everyone.[/quote]

The other thread said daughter has anxiety and depression and did DBT-- and this thread says she also has ADHD-- [b]aka it is obvious she is having a hard time at life and needs support-- but mom hated DBT as the therapist encouraged her to validate and support her child and she thinks her child is pathetic and if she just went to church and lost weight everything would be better[/b][/quote]

I'm going to ignore all the insults here and respond to this. We did not believe that DBT was effective and made DD's mental health worse (clearly, as evidenced by her stealing from me). I don't think that validating DD's insane delusions (ie: that her father/DH was "abusive" to her, or that we "financially coerced her" by tying her college funding to going to church), which is what the DBT therapist did and also encouraged us to do, was helpful for building her distress tolerance. [/quote]

Op please explain more about how you daughter thinks your husband abused her?[/quote]

OP here. Most of her complaints are that DH and I did not "validate" her enough growing up, that we forced her to play a team sport for all 4 years of high school when she didn't want to ([b]this was for HER own good! Not because we wanted to waste our weekends watching her field hockey games, lol[/b]), and that we made her college funding contingent on her attending church. [/quote]

Yikes. You reveal a lot about yourself in those two sentences.[/quote]

The fact that you view watching your kid's activity a waste of time I'd disgusting but the bigger concern in every single one of your posts is the idea that [b]you keep saying you're doing things for her own good- as though you always know best and she's doesn't know ( because she's clearly so pathetic) what is good for her. [/b] If we were talking about making a kid get vaccinated despite not liking needles, sure, but all your examples are just you sharing how you think your way is best ( tech jobs, specific schools, specific activities, specific foods, church, etc) and that you hold the fact that you paid for her childhood ( um don't all parents expenses unless they cant afford to?) [b]Over her any time she objected to your preferences. [/b]I get why the therapist would want you to validate her perspective. And as someone who has led dbt groups- the goal isn't to validate the invalid- but to find the kernel of truth you do understand and let them know you get it.  " yea I know team sports are hard for you and you didn't like going- I get that you're frustrated we didnt make it optional" - you don't need to agree with someone to validate. I can validate someone's fear of vomit without agreeing that vomit it scary.  If you still want a relationship with your daughter I do think trying to find the kernel of truth in her perspective would go a long long way[/quote]

THIS is why I hate therapists. More BS about how we, as HER PARENTS, are not the ones who know best for her.

Since you've led DBT groups, I'm assuming you're familiar with how immature and entitled people with BPD can be. Yes, we cannot let DD assume normal age-appropriate decisions because she's done NOTHING but shown us again, and again, year after year, DBT group after DBT group (Yes! You people are ineffective!), that she CANNOT handle adult responsibilities.

So yes, we are going to dictate her adult life for her. Because she lacks the maturity and executive functioning skills to really succeed at anything of her own volition (including her insane, delusional, navel-gazing "poetry" that everyone in our family rolls their eyes at). [/quote]

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